Edward's POV

I refused to believe that this was normal. That this feeling in my stomach is normal. It was suffocating me, so how could it be normal.

Could she hear me scream from where she is? Could she feel this pain from miles away? If she could I wouldn't be surprised. I've been with her forever, that must mean something. I thought what we had was strong, but now I wonder how easily it can be erased. Never in my wildest dreams did I think someone could just come and take it all away. Leaving me with nothing but this empty and hollow feeling inside.

….

She had promised to meet me at the cliff edge on Tuesday. But when I went to the spot, she wasn't there. I only found Scout sitting alone, in the spot where Bell should have been. She sat looking out over the edge, watching the sun falling slowly into the horizon.

I looked in other places where we sometimes met, but nothing. Then I was afraid that she would show up if I left.
Deep down I knew she wasn't near, Scout wouldn't be here if she was close by. But still, I couldn't leave. I couldn't bring myself to go home to that empty room. I realised that waiting for the mere chance of seeing her, was better than that empty bed. So, I leaned up against a tree and waited for hours.
As it got late into the night I knew mum and dad would be worried, so I reluctantly pulled myself up from the ground.
My feet never moved as fast as they used too, they dragged and stalled. Even in the middle of the night I held on to the hope that she may show up, that I would hear her call for me.

I made my long journey home alone, wondering in the woods that were too dark to see through, but I could feel the rocky dirt track beneath my feet and I knew I was close.

I approached home and saw a small red flicker. Dad was sitting on the front step, waiting for me as always.
He patted the spot next to him and flicked the cigarette that he usually hid from me, waving the settled smoke away.

"Don't tell your mother" he said with a smile, nodding in the direction of the fading red spark that shone from the flower bed. I smiled as I sat next to him, while he continued to wave the air around him. He let the silence surround us and I waited, knowing he was trying to find the words he needed.

"You know its 9.30"

He didn't sound angry or sad, in fact he sounded kind of clueless. It was as if he was trying to understand what that fact meant to me, if anything.

I had been waiting for this talk for a while. They used to freak out about Bell running between her house and ours, but now she would run for miles and so would I. I would sit for hours on end at the possibility that I may get to spend even a second with her. The idea that I could feel whole for a second was far too tempting.

"I don't even know what to say to you" he said hopelessly looking down to his feet, as if the answer lay there on the cold concrete beneath him.

"I'm sorry dad" I quickly apologized but he shook his head, closing his eyes at the sound of my voice. As if my words hurt him somehow.

"No son..., I'm sorry. She's in his custody now. I don't think you'll be able to keep seeing her. Sooner or later you are going to have to except that..." Even in the dark could see his eyes glisten and I could see the pain in them. I felt closer to him, I thought maybe he did understand. Maybe he knew this was killing me, because he felt the same way.

"She wasn't there today. She promised she would be" I said looking at my own feet now, wondering if he had done this action because he felt the shame that I felt. He couldn't bring her home and I'm the one who was responsible for her being taken in the first place.

I looked up when he lit another cigarette with an anxious, hard inhale. I knew what he was thinking. I had been gone for seven hours; I had sat alone in the woods for seven hours, alone.

"This shouldn't be happening." he whispered, his tone assuring me that he was just as hopeless as I was. It didn't give me much faith. I reached over and took his hand not knowing what else I could do for him. But the gesture seemed to only make it worse.

"Dad there has to be something I can do" I started babbling, my words fast and jumbled.

Usually he would have stop me, but instead, he joined me. He started anxiously jabbering, so fast I could barely keep up. Until he said something I will never forget.

"As long as we're here, it's going to be hard for her. Maybe it would be easier for you both if we left."

I went from calm to furious in a split second. I snatched my hand back and jumped to my feet in front of him. His head snapped up to look at me and see my blood boil.

"So, what... are we going to just leave her here? I won't survive that. Look at me" I said opening my hands open in front of me. Knowing he must see what I do, every time I look in the mirror.

He watched silently, as my open hands snapped closed into fists. He examined me closely, as if he were trying to figure something out. That's when I saw his eyes filled with pity. I couldn't take.

I started to run up the steps to the front door when I heard his calm voice.

"That's what scares me, how much more can you take Eddie? This is killing you" he added, causing me to pause for a second.

He didn't move or try to stop me. How could he think leaving her here was better? Why? Would suddenly forget her?

This sensation in my stomach, this knot that has always twisted when I'm away from her. Will it disappear?
I don't believe that for a second.

I slammed my bedroom door behind me and lost it. This dark piece of me emerging, without me trying to stop it. I could feel my hands squeezing so tightly, knowing without her, I was shit. Nothing made sense. But they were all too stupid to see that. They were too blind to see that nothing works without her.

And I realized that more and more, as I looked around at everything.

I smashed everything in my room.
I pulled the mattress of the frame onto the ground.
I punched walls.
I grabbed a book and I immediately hurled into the mirror, breaking it into pieces. Just so I didn't have to see this stranger staring back at me.
No one came in to stop me.

I left nothing intact. I screamed and screamed, realising there was nothing left to break. I started smashing my fist into the wall again, realizing that I was yelling out her name in agony, over and over. Until they were just screams and cries of the pain that flooded me. Finally, I collapsed on the mattress, struggling to breathe.

Imagining her alone just made me so sick. My stomach turned and I laid there wishing I had jumped of that cliff with her.

…..

Days passed and I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, falling from reality. There were never notes left and no matter how long I waited in the woods, she never showed.

I laid in bed all day and night, desperately trying not to sleep. When I did pass out, I had horrible nightmares about not being able to get her seat belt off or Charlie crushed in that truck.

…..

Dad stopped trying to force me to go to school, knowing he couldn't send me anywhere like this. He told me over and over that I needed to rest and eat, but I just couldn't bring myself to.

He watched my every action and reaction, always with an odd look in his eyes that I couldn't decipher. The quieter I was, the more he seemed to worry. I didn't get it.

I just wanted to be left alone. If I couldn't have her, I didn't want a distraction from it. Couldn't they get that. She's it. I have nothing else without her. Nothing ever made sense to me the way she did. And now she's gone.

I thought about how I should have dragged him out of that car, even if I had to die saving him. She was so much more important to me than anything, I should have saved him for her. How could I think of anything else? How could anyone expect me to?

I didn't want anyone to talk to me, I just wanted to lay here until she came back. Even though the days turned to weeks and it was obvious she might not return. But still, I waited. I couldn't help myself.

When I would go to the reservation and sneak up to Billy Blacks house, I only ever saw Billy. He spent allot of time drinking in his back porch, right next to Bella's bedroom window.

It was impossible to get close without him seeing me. I would settle for at least knowing I was close to her. I would always take Scout with me, but never left with her. I would leave and watch her slowly and gracefully make her way under Bells window to sleep. She just couldn't bring herself to leave. Even if Bell didn't know she was there.

Carlisle would always be sitting on the step when I got home. Some nights I would talk to him and others I would walk past him. I would leave him sitting there alone, because I just couldn't bear to talk about it anymore.

I lay on the ground where my mattress was, I refused to let anyone clean or move a thing. I wanted everything out of place. Why shouldn't it resemble my life? Why should I pretend everything was fine? Just because they waited until the late hours of the night to fight in the kitchen while they thought I slept, why I should be the same them.
It's all right in here, everything is broken and smashed on the floor around me. It's real and honest. I have no energy to pretend.

As I laid there I heard a knock at my door. I didn't answer or move. I just laid staring at the ceiling.

"Edward"

It was Emmett. He often came in and sat with me. He never pressed or questioned, he just sat with me. I felt the mattress sink before his hand rubbed my arm lightly.

"Want some company little brother"
It wasn't a question, he had no intention of leaving me alone. I closed my eyes for a long second, but still couldn't bring myself to answer. He leaned with his back up against the wall in silence, staring out the window.

He often did this. He would stay with me well into the night. Nothing but time filled with hours of silence.

Finally, I would let him think I was asleep, just so he didn't feel bad about leaving.

I knew he could see what was happening to me in here. The days were fading away as if nothing was big enough or strong enough to make them mean anything. They merged together until I couldn't tell them apart from each other. Until I was just lost in time.
I imagined her coming through the window, smiling at me while she pulled the covers back. But her ghost always disappeared and left me wishing for her even more. These day dreams hurt. But I did it anyway.

…..

I sat on the edge of my desk looking out the window. I hadn't slept all night, just sitting her for hours watching as the sun got higher. I listened to the sounds that surrounded me and remained unmoving. I listened to my brother's rush down the hallway and into the kitchen, listened to the distant sounds of their laughter and the murmurs of their voices before they rushed outside. I watched them jump into mum's car, so she could drive them to school.

I heard my door slowly open behind me and even though I was still mad at him, I turned quickly to look at him. I just wanted to see someone who resembled me.

He had been doing night shift for years but lately it had been hitting him harder than usual. Now his exhaustion was covered in complete distress.
I watched him walk in slowly, as if there were landmines hidden in the mess on the ground. He sat down on the edge of the empty bed frame and rubbed his hands together nervously.

I felt my heart pump through my chest, harder and harder, with every second that passed. Wondering if he was here to deliver bad news.

I looked down at his hands and how they rubbed over each other nervously and I couldn't take waiting anymore.

"What is it?" I snapped, making him flinch at the sound of the hostility that flooded my voice now.

"It's your birthday in a few days and I was thinking that we could go out for dinner"
He spoke so carefully and I could tell he wanted this, but I couldn't give it to him. I had nothing left to give him or any of them.

"I don't want to dad, sorry." I said, turning back to look out the window. I wanted him to let it go but I didn't hear him move from the bed frame.

"It would just be the family." I know he kept talking after that. I'm sure of it. But I couldn't hear a thing after the word family. He was unknowingly making me aware of something that deep down I already knew. She was just as gone to me as Charlie was, completely out of my reach. Out of my life. I wondered if this was why he walked in so carefully, that he knew I wasn't balanced anymore and one false move would set me off. And he was right.
I jumped from my desk shaking. I felt his hands barley graze the skin on my arm, attempting to stop me, before I jumped out my window and hit the ground running.

I couldn't hear him call after me though, I'm sure he did but I could hear nothing but my pulse throbbing in my ears.

I ran as far up the mountain that I could, the thick forest eventually thinned revealing the old rocky cliff. I didn't stop until I hit the edge, then I yelled with my fists squeezed so tightly I could feel my finger nails start to cut into my hand. I yelled until it hurt, until my chest resisted each outburst and I fell to the ground.

I didn't know who I was anymore. The person I knew wouldn't be in the dirt, slamming his fists into the ground. As if I could somehow blame the earth or what had happened. That I could punch ground hard enough to make it give me back what I lost.

It couldn't be over. If it truly were, I wouldn't be here. I'd be dead in the water below. But instead I was here with my face pressed into the rocky, muddy ground.
The thought, that there was still so much to do, was both good and bad. I needed hope, I needed to know that I could save her. I had to hang onto her, that was beyond my control. But for the first time in my life I wish I had the power to let her go. I hated myself for wishing that. I pressed my face into the dirt screaming and crying, but it was never enough. I laid there for what felt like hours, breathing heavily into the dirt until I finally fell asleep.

Even in the night I could still see the flowers that surrounded me. I could see her in the dark, dancing through them, under the light of the moon. I didn't feel anxious or mad anymore. I could hear her laugh and see the white wolf following her through the mist.

"Bell?" I said softly sitting up. She turned slowly and looked at me smiling, her grin wider than I had seen her in a long time.
I got up to my feet and took a step forward, as she ran towards me and wrapped her arms around me. I held her in my arms her as she buried into me,
"It feels like home here" she whispered so lightly that I wasn't sure if I heard her right.

It wasn't a dream, it had happened, but not on this night. It happened on a night that was strong enough to make sure that every moment stuck out. I got up from the dirt and looked around to see that it was dark, I had slept here all day, afternoon and evening.
But no one had found me here.

I got up and walked home to find everyone hysterical because they had been looking for me, for hours. They had been looking everywhere.

At least my outbursts meant there would be no party or recognition of my birthday. They consoled me for not having her there with me, then left me alone when I asked. They were just happy that I didn't wonder off. But they didn't see that I was exactly where I was meant to be.

I sat with them all at dinner and then told them I wanted to go to bed. But, I was waiting. As always.

I sat in the dark for hours, staring at the window. I knew it looked naïve. If anyone could see me they would think I was stupid. But I knew her, she wouldn't let this happen. By 1am I had gotten anxious and leapt out the window, to pace alongside the house.

It was too dark to see through the field, but I heard her. Suddenly I felt the world freeze still. Through the darkness she came flying into my arms and finally I could breathe.

I stood there with my face burred in the soft curls of her hair. I didn't want to let her go, because I knew she wasn't staying long. Eventually she pulled away and I knew she had to leave me. She didn't say anything she just looked in my eyes, my hands still firmly hanging onto her waist.
I could see her eyes had filled with tears, before spill over onto her cheek. I lifted my hand to wipe them away, when her face pressed into my palm. I couldn't help but pause at the pressure of her cheek on my skin. Suddenly she tangled her fingers into my hair and pressed her lips to mine. She had never kissed me like that. Her lips lingered for longer than they ever had before and the warmth of them melted the cold feeling in my chest.

She didn't say goodbye. She just put her hands on the side of my face and forced a small smile. I tried let go of her waist, but it hurt too much. I just couldn't do it.

"I love you" she said sadly but desperately, trying to maintain her smile.

"I love you too"

She held my face firmly, her thumb gliding over my cheek.

"Close your eyes" she whispered as she wiped my hair from my face.

I looked at her one last time and did as she asked. I was trying to hold back the tears that burnt behind my eyes, but it was useless. I felt her hands cover mine, the anchors that were keeping her from leaving. She removed them slowly from her body. Before I could get anxious, I felt her lean in so close that her breath hit my ear.

"You're ok Eddy, just breathe" I wanted to believe her, more than anything. Her hands moved mine, placing them down by my sides slowly.

"it's not over, it's never going to be over"

And that was it.

Her hands disappeared and her warmth along with it.

It left me in this daze for a week, it left me wondering around the woods more than I used too. Going further and running faster. It made the bomb inside of me tick, but now I had a better idea of what would happen when it exploded.

…..

The night of her birthday, I laid in bed pretending to be asleep until I heard them all go to their rooms.

I stuffed pillows under the blankets to make it look like I was sleeping. Then I grabbed my bag and left.

I couldn't think clearly, I just acted. I had too.

I just needed to see her. I kept telling myself that over and over while I'll crept up through Billy Black's yard. Even if I couldn't get her out I had to see her.

The back yard was full of flowers and thick grass and almost completely empty except for the old garage. An old motor bike leaned up against it with a pile of rusted tools surrounding it. I waited by its wall, crouching near the bike to see if it was safe.

I took a deep breathe, before making the final sprint. I was sweating bullets and wished for her courage more now than ever. The room was black like I had expected, I exhaled harshly and tried to stop being so nervous about getting caught, but I wouldn't let it stop me. I tapped lightly on her window and waited.
I could faintly see movement in the room and I prayed I had the right window. My heart stopped as she rushed at the window suddenly pressing her hands to the glass crying and looking around as nervously as me.

I panicked trying to open the window, but it wouldn't budge. I looked at her tear soaked face and waited for her to help me. She stared at me hopelessly rubbing at the glass with her tiny fingers.

"Its nailed it shut" her weak whispers broke faintly through the barrier between us. I examined the window closer to see the long nails bending out. I looked around in a panic trying to find something I could use.

"I'll be right back" I said before running over to the garage. I scavenged through the old tools that sat by the bike, until I found the hammer.

I ran my fingers around the window, trying to find them and just as quickly pull them out. I started to panic, like she was tied in rope and I had to get her free. I pulled the heavy window up but it stopped, I could have screamed in frustration.

"Let's get out of here" I said still trying to remove the last nail. She nodded and I watched her eyes leave what I was doing and search the floor around her. She was back at the window before I was finished. She shook waiting for me to finally remove the only thing that was standing in our way. Pressing her palms into the glass in anticipation, trying to get to me as soon as she possibly could. I yanked the window open and crushed her to me, pulling her out of the room and dragging her legs over the windowsill.

I held her only for a second, before I squeezed her hand tightly and started pulling her with me. She ran alongside until we were far from Billy's house. The moon light lit the Forrest up, as we darted through the trees. My adrenalin was pumping, making it easy to keep up with her. Every now and then she would look back and laugh. But I didn't know how she could bare to pretend that everything was ok.

We approached our meadow, near the cliff edge.

She didn't say anything when we finally stopped. I pulled the sleeping bag from my pack and laid it on the ground. She crawled in and I followed. I made sure she was tucked in tightly and then I snuggled up to her and pulled her to my chest rubbing circles on her back, like I always did. And I tried enjoyed the calm before the storm.

"Warm enough?" I asked when she cuddled up closer, but she just nodded into my chest with a small hum of approval. I waited for her to say something, but she just laid their holding onto me.

"Bell what's going on" I tried to keep my voice calm but I knew she wouldn't buy it.

"They watch me like a hawk" she stuttered and shook while she explained. She had gotten back after seeing me and everything had changed. They had locked the whole house up and never let her out of there sight. I dreaded her having to go back there, even though I knew it was inevitable. What could I do for her but make things worse, like I was doing right now by dragging her out here. All because I couldn't take being away from her. It was selfish and for the briefest of moments I wondered if Dad was right.

"Bell, I promise I won't stop until we're together again. We will be ok again. I swear to god, I'll make it ok one day " my words shook at the end; I had to pray she could hear my determination.

She lifted herself of my chest and looked deep into my eyes. I could feel my hands shake on her back where they held her and I realized I felt nervous. I didn't know why, it was Bella. But there was something else in that moment; the feeling was stronger and unfamiliar. She reached up and put her hand on my face so that her fingers could glide lightly over my cheek before she rested back down again.
I knew it right then and there.
This ache, this heart-breaking pain, it was love. I was sure of it, what else could it be. I wanted her. I needed her. Hell, I craved her mere presence. I had just never tried to label it before.

But what do you do when you love someone like this, I was too young to know. I'm sure I'm meant to do anything I can to make sure she was safe.

"Edward"

For some reason, my thoughts halted at the sound of her voice, as if she could hear what I was thinking.

"Why haven't you been going to school?"

I still hadn't moved. I didn't know what to say. If I knew she was going to find out, I would have put in more effort to pretend everything was ok.

"I don't want you to worry, I'll go soon. I'm fine" I trailed off not wanting to say any more than that. She knew me better than anyone, she knew me well enough to just pull me closer.

"Are you going to be ok Eddie" she whispered lightly.

"I'm just not me when were apart...and I don't know how to do this " The words just came out. And I knew she could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I felt anxious revealing this to her, but I didn't know why.

"I'm here"
I didn't understand why she was trying to calm me at first then I realized my breathing was out of control and my whole body seemed to shake.

"I'm right here"
I could hear her, but still I had to repeat it to myself over and over in my head. She's right here.
I felt like I was losing control of my emotions, I couldn't hide the shock or grief. It owned me, it was so much stronger than any part of me.

"I don't want you to feel how I feel." She confessed.

"And how's that" I asked as lightly as I could, hoping she'd trust me like I did her and tell me how she feels, even just once.

"I feel sick, scared, alone. I don't want to go mad and realize I'm alone" she panicked in moments of starting to talk.

"You're not going alone, you'll always have me." I promised with everything I had. I didn't care anymore that I was losing it. 'fuck it' I thought, I'll embrace it and go mad with her. I didn't want her to be alone and the fight for sanity was just too hard.

It was overwhelming that I couldn't save her, because I wasn't strong at all. Without her, I wasn't sure what I was. I became surer of that with every second that passed.

I knew her well enough to know I couldn't get much more out of her. She would think she was sparing me, by saving me from the truth.

I felt like I had to tell her everything, because I always had. But she never told me anything, not really. She had been like this for so long that she had forgotten how to open up. It never mattered before now. It was always just desperate curiosity, just wondering what she was thinking. Now there was a frustration and aching to know what was going on in her head.

…..

She had fallen asleep hours ago, but I couldn't bring myself to follow her. As the sun rose she began sweating in the sleeping bag and started to squirm. I gave her space as her face scrunched and she started to pull of her sweater off, taking her shirt along with it. I had seen her in a singlet before, millions of times. I knew every scar and freckle on her like the back of my hand. But as I helped her free her herself from the sweater, I could see her exposed arms. Her beautiful, soft skin had a faint set of marks, that were barely visible now. When I looked closely at them I could see that they were faded bruises, hand marks from where she had been grabbed and squeezed. Everything in me wanted me to jump to my feet right now. I wanted to run home, go into the attic and find Charlies old guns. I knew how to use them. I could stop this right now.

It was my breathing that woke her, I knew because I could feel the rage and the panic running through me like fire. My hand rested on the end of her arm and even though I knew she was awake and looking at me, I couldn't calm down. I felt my legs want to run beneath me, I felt myself lift from the ground but she pulled me back down by the fabric of my jumper, even when I struggled against her.

"Eddie stop" she screamed at me over and over until I hopelessly gave in. I turned to look at her to ask why, but when I saw her face I finally found the will to stop moving. She wasn't crying or sad, she was angry and tormented, so much more than she had ever let me see before.

"You have to stop" she choked out; I realized I was still pulling away from her, trying to get to my feet. My hands were balled into hard tight fist and chest heaved heavily and hard with every breath.

"I can't just..." I stopped trying to talk when I heard my words come out and the sound they made. She gripped on to me tighter trying to pull me back down to the ground from the crouching position I was frozen in.

I didn't want to listen. I wanted to run. I wanted him dead.

There was no more pretending that we were like we used to be.

"I've gotta get you out of there" I said, my eyes still fixed on the faint marks.

"and if it doesn't work?" she said cutting me off, making me meet her gaze.

"everything could go so wrong, it could get so much worse"

The idea that it could get worse had never occurred to me, I didn't think we could go any lower than we were right now, but she was right. I was ill-equipped to handle this.

"We need to get you back there before he wakes up" I said hopelessly defeated.

I left my bag and everything here and ran back to Billy's house with her. I helped her back through her window quietly and slid the nails back into their holes, as if I had never been there. The worst part was that she stood there and watched me run of, watching me leave her there. That was something that just stabbed at me a little bit more, making the pain worse than it already was.

…..

He stood at the end of my bed staring down to me and for the first time he made me nervous. I never really thought about his reaction to my leaving.

"What the hell were you thinking?" his voice was hard and stern, but it was lost on me.

"I wasn't...thinking"
That was the point. I honestly didn't really think any of it through.

"Anything could have happened Eddie, what if"

"Stop" I yelled cutting him off, unable to stop myself from glaring at him.

"Don't you dare say 'what if' to me; my entire life revolves around 'WHAT IF". But the harshness of my words seemed didn't seem to hurt him. He quickly sat on the edge of the mattress and wrapped his hands around my upper arms, rubbing them soothingly, trying to calm me.

"Stop, ok, I'm sorry"

His expression softened but I knew he was still angry.

"Things have to change Eddie. You need to tell me what happened that night. Whatever it is son you can tell me".

I stubbornly starred him. With my lips pressed firmly together, letting him know I had no intention of talking.

He stared right back into my eyes. It was like a standoff between he would lose.

After a few minutes, he sighed and let go of me.

I looked away from him while he got up and walked towards the door, turning back to see me once more before he left.

"This isn't over Eddie."

I looked up at him determined.

"You're Right. It's not. Not by a long shot."

He paused in his steps at my words but then carried on out the hallway.

…..He sat with me in silence until I suddenly felt a smack in the back of the head.

"Ouch! What's your problem Emmett" I demanded rubbing my head.

"What the hell is your problem Edward? Dad and Mum might be worried about your feelings, but I think the hell with your feeling seeing as you obviously don't give a shit about there's. Stop this crazy shit and snap out of it. Try thinking about our mother, she was up all night looking for you.
I love you Eddie. You know I do. But snap out of it."

I sat glaring at him but he just walked out unaffected by my reaction.

…..

I knew with every move I made that I was making things worse for her and mom. This approach wasn't working; I had to try something else. Something smarter.

I tried to do what everyone wanted. I ate dinner with my family and went to school. Even though I didn't talk to anyone, or do anything while I was there. It didn't matter. It was a show. An act.

Mum and everyone else got to watch me go and think I was doing ok, and it would eventually get back to Bell. I felt better at the thought of her and mum not worrying about me, which was the only reason I tried at all.

But when I wasn't at school or playing happy family, I would sit in the Forrest by her house. And every night I would find Dad sitting on the step sneaking a cigarette from mum.

I knew he was using these times to talk to me. To try to get me to talk to him. But also, I wondered if he just wanted to know that she was ok, because he always asked about her.

I sat beside him and reached over to pull the burnt-out cigarette from his fingers, flicking it into the garden with the rest.

"How was School" he asks softly.

"Amazing, Schools just..."

"How about without the sarcasm son" he added cutting me off.

"Its fine" the words flew out of my mouth without any emotion behind them.

"You're not getting into fights?"

I shook my head, wondering why my temper was always on his mind, but I didn't ask.
He was so sad and worried. It made my heart ache to see him like this. So defeated. I could hear it in the tone of his voice, no matter what he was talking about. And I knew, there were things he wasn't telling me too, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets.

"Do you see her?" he asked curiously almost whispering.

"Not much. I don't wanna get her in trouble" I shook my head dropping it onto my folded arms that rested over my knees.

"At least if he had of left her in the school in forks you could still see her everyday" he added frustrated once again with Billy. I smiled to myself at the obviousness of it. That's when it clicked.

School.

She went every day.

No Billy.

I could at least see her there and check on her.

…..

I woke early in the morning and got ready for school. Not mine of course, but still.

I left a note on my bedroom door for Esme and Carlisle, telling them that I wanted to bike ride before school, that I would make my own way there.

I hid in the cover of the woods, surrounding the school at the reservation.

It didn't take long to spot her. She walked alongside a boy who was laughing loudly at something she said. I didn't notice the lady walking behind her until Bell and the boy stopped and turned to face her.

She straightened Bella's hair and done up a button on the boy's shirt.

It was Jacob and Samantha, and together they all looked like a family.

I felt overwhelming jealously. I couldn't help it.

I watched as Jacob put his arm around her shoulder and walked her into the school laughing.

Suddenly I was on my feet running to where I had dumped my bike. I wanted to get to school as fast as I could. I wanted to pretend none of it happened.

I saw her and I know she's ok.

She's fine. He hadn't killed her, she was walking and breathing.

She looked happy. That was more than I had hoped for.

So why did I feel betrayed.

Why did I feel like punching that Jacob kid right in the face when I saw him put his arm around her?

She's not alone.

I'm happy for her.

I am.

I wasn't watching where I was walking when I charged down the school hallways. I was too busy thinking about how 'happy' I am for them, when I felt a sudden hit to my arm.

"Watch it Cullen "

I didn't even take the time to see who he was. After the first couple of hits I realized it was James. It didn't make things better, it just made it easier to just keep going.

He never got a punch in, but it didn't stop me, even when blood was pouring from his lower lip and nose.

I was yanked off him by a teacher and dragged into the principal's office.

Mom and Dad both came in, they were told by the principal I was suspended from school. Like I cared. He said this was my last chance. One more assault towards a student and I was out for good.

My parents looked at me in horror. It wasn't until I got home and went into my bathroom that saw my reflection. I was covered in his blood. It was on my shirt, face and hands. I starred at the stranger and noticed how it all seemed so appropriate, that this boy looks the way he does.
Like it showed him for what he was, this horrible, violent monster.

"Edward"

Emmett's voice came from behind me. I turned to find him coming through my door. His huge form approached me carefully. He didn't flinch at the sight of me, he didn't look frustrated or angry, he just walked over to my side. He grabbed the towel from the rack as he passed it, letting out a sigh as he turned the tap on.

"You got to get your head straight brother, you keep losing it like this and they'll lock you up" he said lightly as he ran the towel under the hot water. Then I realized I was wrong, he was scared. But he was trying to hide it from me.

"I don't care anymore Emmett; they can do whatever they want"

Emmett looked over me and reached out, taking my hand from my side, realizing I was staring at them in the mirror as he spoke to me.

He started to wipe the blood off and I just stared at him while he did it. I didn't want him to wipe it off. I wanted him to leave it there to dry and crack on my skin.

But I just couldn't explain that to him. He wiped all the blood and dirt from my face and pulled my shirt over my head. He grabbed one of my shirts that was hanging on a hook behind the door and passed it to me silently.

I put it on and kept staring at him seeing the pity that was filling his expression.

He cared for me.

Loved me.

He understood me. But pitied? Never.

My fists shook and my voice rose with defeat and irritation.

"Don't look at me like that, you no James is a shit head. Why do you care? You think I'm losing it because I beat up James? Fuck him"

"I followed you this morning" he said simply and softly, interrupting my outburst. I froze staring at him, my hands that were in the air, slowly dropped down.

"I tried to catch you after...but you ran off to fast. By the time I made it back to school you were already in the office"

I was speechless and I felt exposed. I knew he would see through me like glass.

"She lives with him Eddie. You had to know that things would change eventually."

I simply shook my head at the words. Because I didn't know that. I never pictured her with anyone else but me. This wasn't some crush, this was my life, this was every breath I had taken.

"She looked..."

"Happy" I added, finishing his sentence for him.

"She's not replacing you with him Eddie. She loves you. You've got to know that"

I knew he was right, she loved me and I knew that. But I looked back down at my hands and focused on them. Because I also knew I'd failed her, my hands that pulled her from that truck but never made it to her father. The man who taught me how to ride a bike and throw a football. They weren't even strong enough to hold on to her when they dragged her away from me over and over.

"Edward, you need to let it go"

"You want me to let her go" I added, upset by the mere thought of it.

"No Eddie. I want you to let the past go. I've sat here with you, watching you fade further and further into this hole. Let go of what was and except what is. Except that, that's just not our life anymore. I love them too Eddie, but we can't get them back. I don't want to lose my little brother too"

I didn't want to look at him.

I didn't want to be angry at him, but I was. Because he was right.

He pulled my head over to his chest and kissed my hair, before getting up and leaving me alone.

…..

I curled up on my mattress and pulled her pillow close to my chest, inhaling deeply, searching for any scent that belonged to her. I still cursed Dad repeatedly in my mind for the 'what if' remark. I don't know why, he didn't mean it like that. But still it played over and over in my head.

What if.

What if.

What if I stopped that car before it hit Charlie's

What if I had of got Bella out straight away and went back to him. But as that thought crossed my mind, something stung me, something burnt in my chest. But the reasons why were out of my reach. I couldn't figure it out. Why did that reoccurring thought seem to always be the one that lingered like a question I had an answer too, but didn't remember what it was.

As I laid there driving myself mad with 'what ifs'. Until I heard scratching at my window. Like nails were being dragged along the glass.

Before I could register it, she was in front of me. Her face was covered in blood. I could see bloody hand prints that covered the windowsill and walls, leading to where she stood.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move or breathe. She looked like she had been hit by a train.

Her eyes were full of agony and her tiny fists were clenched, even as she leaned down to crawl onto the bed, to her usual spot. She looked deeply into my eyes as she moved closer to me.

She was suddenly right next to me, so close I could smell her scent again.

I desperately wanted to reach out and touch her, but as soon as my fingers grazed her cheek she dropped lifelessly onto the mattress. In an instant, she was cold and her lips were blue. I shook her over and over screaming and demanding that she wake up, telling her over and over that she wasn't dead.

I woke up sweating and screaming. In the dark, I couldn't see that what I was clutching was my pillow, and not her dead body.

The light was flicked on and my mother pulled me into her arms, squeezing me and running her fingers through my hair.

" it's just a bad dream, everything's ok"
She desperately tried to calm me, but how could she. The damage was done.

The image of her dead, lifeless body was just another to add to the dark photo album in my mind. It was full of the things I will never be able to forget. She looked so empty, like her light was gone. How could my brain ever create something so incredibly horrible?
Why would it, unless I deserved it.

…..

I hadn't seen Bella in almost 2 weeks, though I tried almost every night. But every time I went to Billy's house all the lights were on and I couldn't risk her getting in trouble. But it was messing my head up, that was obvious.

Dad had taken me downtown to go shopping with him, thinking it would help to get me out of the house. I walked alongside him, up to the entry of the mall That's when I saw Mike twirling his finger around his, mouthing 'psycho' at me.
Dad was in the middle of a conversation with me and didn't notice me run off and jump him. I started laying into him with my fists and I hated to admit it, but it felt good.
Dad quickly pulled me off him, yelling at me with Mike's father who I hadn't noticed was there. Dad dragged me away as I tried to lunge at him every chance I got, desperate to take my frustration out on him. As long as I live, I will never forget the look on my father face, like he didn't know me anymore.

It wasn't even two days later that I got in another fight with a kid, I was on the way home from school. He made one small comment, nothing that was worth the punches I threw. I barely knew him, but I wanted to hurt someone.

…..

I walked a very fine line at school. Known as a violent little psychopath wasn't exactly making me any new friends. Not that I cared. The anger seemed to radiate off me, the most I could do was avoid fighting at school, knowing that my mother and Bella would be crushed if I got expelled.

I ate lunch outside, alone, even though Emmett and Jasper wanted me to sit with them and their friends, I never did. I tried once, but when I got to the lunch room it was just so much louder than I remembered, they were all so happy and chaotic, so I never went in there again. I didn't trust myself not to lose it. I could feel it inside of me boiling, something big, that is just waiting for its chance to be set free again.

I sat against the wall for my lunch break, on the far side of the library, alone and out of sight. I rarely ate, I mostly just sat and looked at the hills and tree tops. But today I was staring into the Forrest at Scout. She stood looking back at me from miles away, I just watched her watching me, lost in a daze when I heard a voice

"Hey, Your Edward, right?"

I instantly got defensive.
"Yeah, what's it to you?" I looked away from Scout to see a lanky blonde boy. He looked at least three years older than me. But I didn't know him; he had a ruffled mess of blonde hair and a group of freckles covering his noise and cheeks.

I could tell my tone had startled him and I felt bad.

"What do you want?" I asked a little nicer this time.

He walked over to me and put his hand out.

"I'm Xavier, I'm friends with Seth, Leah's little brother" before he could finish his sentence I was on my feet shaking his hand.

"She ok?" I panicked asking him straight away before I even released his hand.

"Isabella? "I nodded at him while he spoke.

"She's fine, she asked me to come and talk to you"
He looked kind of nervous. I did my best not to look like crazy psychopath and smiled at him.

"What did she say" I tried not to sound anxious but it wasn't easy.

"Well she told me to do something first, but...You've got to promise you won't break my nose"

"What?" I almost yelled. Then Xavier kicked me as hard as he could in the shin.
"Fuck" I yelled, as I dropped to the ground rubbing it.

"Please don't punch me. I promised her. And I'm just as scared of her as I am of you"
He was a lot stronger then he looked.

I couldn't help but laugh. I sat up and patted the ground next to me.
"Sit please, its fine really" I said, still laughing.
He looked at me for a long moment debating whether to believe me, before finally dropping down next to me.

"She wanted me to give you this" he shuffled through his bag and finally removed an envelope from it with my name on the front.

I stared at the crumpled paper before my shaky hand reached out for it.

"She's worried about you. She heard about the fights, that's what the kick was for. "

Xavier done his bag up and stood up looking down at me as he put it back on.

"If you wanted to write back to her, I could meet you here on Friday and I can give it to her on Saturday when I see her. If you want"

"Yeah that would be great" I said squinting at him through the sun.

"Well I'll leave you to read your letter " he said as he started to walk off.

"Xavier..." I choked out. He looked back over his shoulder at me.
"Thanks." I said gratefully, knowing he didn't have to do it and from how scared he was, he wasn't too keen to meet me. So, I decided to be extremely nice to him seeing as he was so willing to help me stay sane.

I just looked at the letter and could feel my heart pound and my face sweat, before stuffing it in my bag. I couldn't help but watch Xavier walk through the quad to see what class he went to. I watched as he approached Mrs. Cleaver's room. It was weird, that would mean he wasn't too much older than me. I walked off, wondering if the kid was just big for his age.

I had every intention of skipping class and going to read my letter, but I couldn't bring myself to read it here. Not knowing what emotions, it could stir up inside.

It wasn't until the very late hours of the night when everyone was asleep that Scout jumped through my window to sit on my bed beside me, that's when I finally got the guts to open it.

To Eddie.

Sorry about the kick, but you deserve it.

I miss you. I've really wanted to talk to you.

I'm ok though. Really, I am. I'm doing much better.

I'm finally starting to sleep and everything is going well.
The only thing I'm worried about now is you. I know your just freaking out because, you think I'm not safe. But really Eddie, I'm fine.

I love and miss you so much.

You need to stop trying to fight your way out of this. It's over; all we can do is wait until I can get out of here the right way.

I wish I was with you like it used to be.

But we both have too except what is, if we ever want to be happy.

I need you to be happy. More than anything.

So maybe it's best you stay away.

"Huh"

I just dropped the letter and went straight to my window, grabbing my bag before I jumped out. I moved fast down to the garage grabbing a hammer and put it in my pack.
"Scout" I whispered, waking her while I jumped on my bike and watching as she took off in front of me. I think she knew where we were going. I rode as fast as I could, even though the freezing cold air hit me and felt like it burnt through my skin to my bones.

I got to the back of her yard and dumped my bike. I walked straight through the yard up to her window. It was like the thought of being caught didn't even occur to me. Scout followed confidentially behind me, much more nervous than I was. Because I wasn't thinking.

When we got to her window I didn't knock, I just started to pull the nails out and left them on the ground near my hammer. I could see her sitting on the end of her bed with her knees pulled to her chest, staring at me through tear soaked eyes.

After I got the three nails out of the windowsill I slid the window up and climbed in, dropping the last nail with the rest.

She didn't move. She didn't even seem that shocked. Through her teary, red eyes, I could even see amusement.
I could see the hesitation in her. She budged slightly but then remained unmoving, as if she thought I was angry. I knew she only wrote it because she loved me. When I read that letter, it soothed the sting of seeing him with her. I knew she loved me. Enough to care more about me more than herself.

I looked down and weakly smiled as I opened my hands to her.
"come here"

She jumped off the bed and ran the few steps to me. She collided with me so hard that it almost knocked me off my feet. I stood there with her for a very long time, before I lifted her of the ground and took her the few steps to her bed, laying her down with me.

I knew she had just woken from a nightmare, sitting here alone trying to console herself.

Suddenly her weak whisper broke through the darkness, but I didn't need to her apologies.

"Edward, I...I'm"

"it's ok, get some sleep."
Nothing I had to say mattered when she looked how she did; she obviously needed a good night's rest. As soon as I started to run my fingers through her hair and pressed my lips to her forehead she drifted off.

She slept for hours and hours and I just squeezed her close to my body, wishing once again I could absorb her into my veins. Breathing in her scent and rubbing circles on her back, like she loved me to do.

I tried to take my chance to relax, but I found myself examining every inch of her. Checking for any marks or bruises. I found nothing but a graze on her shoulder, the kind you'd get on your knees when you fall on concrete, all I could do was wonder how it got there.

I was not sure how many hours had passed but I could tell by how the room was lighting up that it wouldn't take long until morning and everyone would start waking up. I had to leave.

"Bell?" I whispered lightly into her ear.

Her nose and forehead scrunched and her eyes squinted open to look at me.

"I've got to go"
She nodded and continued to look in my eyes as if she was taking a mental picture of my face.
"first, I need you to listen to me" she was still half asleep but she looked at me seriously knowing I needed to talk to her, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with her tiny, closed fists.

"Don't lie to me Bell and don't listen to Emmett either." she looked shocked by what I was saying, wondering how I figured it out.

"I'm not stupid Bell. I love you. No matter what. Even when things are bad. I am what I am, you lying to me won't change that" I held her face lightly looking deep into her big brown eyes. She nodded slowly and pressed her forehead to mine. I slowly leaned in and gently pressed her lips to mine.

"I'll come back soon" I whispered. She smiled weakly before dropping her head down into my chest nodding.

…..

I got home just as the sun was starting to rise.

I did my best to be as quiet as possible climbing into my bedroom window. As soon as I was back in my room I stood for a second before taking a deep breath and walking straight for the door.
I snuck down the hall into Emmett's room, to find him still fast asleep. I sat on the side of his bed and shook him harshly trying to wake him.
"Emmett"

He waved his arm around to stop me from shaking him, struggling to open his eyes to look at me.

"What did you say to her?" I demanded in a low but firm voice.

"You should know Eddie, you've been gone all night right?..., you were with her weren't you" he said, trying to turn it around on me.

I growled harshly at him "Stay out of my life, you don't know what your messing with" I said as I got of his bed and went to leave.

"why do you think I'm against you"

I turned back to face him before opening the door.

"Just leave it alone" I said through my teeth, before leaving him there.

I felt bad about talking to him like that, but I couldn't just let him ruin what I had left.

I needed him to stay out of it.

Without thinking I went back to my room.

I didn't want to do it, I didn't even like the thought, but I would do it anyway.

I dragged the mattress back where it was meant to be and made the bed.

I started cleaning the destruction I had created while Scout sat in the corner watching me, realizing I was losing it. I put everything back in its place and picked up the broken pieces that covered the ground. It was back to its neat and tidy self.

Exactly like it used to be.

…..

Bella and I went on like that for almost a year. By the time we were 12, I was used to the routine of sneaking into her room. But every morning when I was leaving, I still couldn't help but stare at her. It was like I was trying to prove to my brain that she was alive, show it that the nightmares were wrong. I examined her features bit by bit, before climbing out the window, leaving her curled up under the covers.

I moved fast. I was a pro at it now. I would slide the nails back into the holes and use the hammer to press them in place, so Billy wouldn't notice.

I always looked at her through the closed window. Throwing her one last smile, before I kissed two fingers and pressed them to the cold glass.

I still felt sick leaving her there each day. But I had to do this smart... I had to be smart. This way I could keep an eye on here. I could still see her. If I had of kept going like I was in those first few months, it would only get worse for her. If he was willing to nail it shut, I'm sure he would have no problem with bars. I couldn't really work with bars.

I would learn, don't get me wrong.

…..

I knew I didn't have long until they sent me to a psychologist against my will. It had been too long and I showed no real signs of improvement. I still got violent and had nightmares, so Dad was constantly trying to convince me to go. He also knew that right now, he could send me to the best doctor in the world and they wouldn't get a word out of me.

The dreams about Charlie were probably the worst. Because when I woke, there was no rush of relief. At least when they were about Bella I could remember that she alive. But not Charlie, he was gone. But I still couldn't except it. It still hurt so much when my mind would scream that fact at me, every time I close my eyes I was reminded of what happened that night.

Some of my dreams would return over and over. Recently, they would start with me upside down in the car, staring into his dead eyes.

It would feel like he was looking at me, but I knew in my gut that he was dead.

I wouldn't be able to move, because I was overcome with fear.

It felt like I hung in there for hours watching Charlie's and Bell's blood flood the car.

I would scream his name and disparately try to reach out to him. Begging him to wake up. But as I stared at his hollow expression, his eyes would slowly move until locked with mine. I would become silent. He would stare into my eyes for the longest time. Then he would start screaming in agony. Screaming that I save him, telling me that he was being crushed and needed my help. Blood would gush from his mouth, nose and eyes, while he screamed and begged for my help. But I could never get my seat belt off. I could never save him.

This what it feels like to go mad, I thought. It was like I was a spectator in my life.

The days without her were long and I couldn't bring myself to talk, so I started to spend my time just watching everyone. Anything to try to distract myself from what's in my head. I started to sit in the lunchroom again, for no other reason than I was horrified of being left alone with my thoughts, besides watching these kids was like watching a soap opera.
It just seemed so stupid, all of it. Everything they did and talked about was so fucking boring. I just watched, listened and rolled my eyes. And even though I knew it was crap, I kept watching.

I didn't feel the need to talk to any of these kids, what was the point? In the end, there really wasn't any that I could find. They were no use to me. They annoyed me in fact, so why tolerate any of it. I was happy Bella made new friends. She was the best person I knew and I'm happy more people can see that now. I had to be happy she had friends like Jacob, Leah, Seth and Xavier, because I was completely alone now, I could feel it. And I didn't want this for her.

When I was with her, I think I was a better person. I only ever felt like punching the people who hurt her, but now I want to kill anyone who crossed me. I'm worried that without her maybe I'm not going to end up being a very good person. I feel bitter at best and suicidal at worst.

In the afternoons, I would read. I would read anything and everything to try and occupy my thoughts, to keep out the bad ones and fill my head with someone else's.

I just wanted to 'snap out of it' like Emmett said. Why did everything revolve around it? Even when I wanted to think about something else, I couldn't. It all came back to her in the end. A year later and there was no sign of their being any light at the end of this tunnel.

So, I decided to just sit back and relax into it.

…..

I stood outside of the library on the lunch break waiting for Xavier, tapping my foot and rubbing my hands together.
After I had become anxious enough he finally strolled around the corner, walking with his hands in his pockets and a Hood covering most of his face.
"hey" he said greeting me with a comforting smile that I returned.

"Hey, what's going on"...

He explained that his father was going on a fishing trip with a few guys from the reservation including Billy. A huge smile swept across my face in an instant. I got the finer details of him and tried to figure out the rest.

Xavier was always more than willing to help. I felt like I owed him for all his help but, he said he didn't want anything. Xavier was probably my only friend but there was something about him that bugged me.

I hated the way he said her name.
Is-a-bell-a.
ugh, it sounded wrong.

It was like he was talking about someone else. I had never called her that, because she'd smack me in the back of my head. But also, because it sounded weird. Maybe she didn't like being called 'Bella' anymore.

Isabella. Isabella. Isabella.

I could say it over and over in my head as many times as I like...it's still going to sound wrong to me. It sounds like someone else.

It was weird, I don't know why it pissed me off so much. It was her name. All through the rest of the day it hung over my head, but I didn't know why it mattered.

I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. I wanted to waste as much time as I could before I could go and see her, but I realized after walking through town that I shouldn't have.
I walked past the library then over to the park, heading for the woods to take my usual shortcut home. That's when I saw them. James's and Mike had always been best friends, so it wasn't a surprise to see them together.

Mike's ego had been bruised harshly when I beat him up at the Mall and I knew he would have something to say. He leaned against the swing set with his friend Victoria who was swaying lazily from side to side, while she starred up at Mike and James.

I started to understand Mike, the more I watched him. He hung around these people to make him feel smarter. Thinking of himself, as a leader. In reality, he was boring and average and he hated it. He was a leader to a pack of idiots and he was at least smart enough to know that. He was just smart enough to know he was weak and dull.
I decided to just walk past him and do the right thing no matter what. I tried to walk fast hoping he would just let me go with no problems.

"Hey loner" he yelled laughing.

Wow, good one. I kept my head down and kept walking.

"What wrong Psycho, in a hurry to get home to your mummy"

Seriously, 'my mummy' I smiled at him and shook my head and gave him a smug smile that I couldn't hold back, but I forced my feet forward.

"I know you're not going to hang out with all your friends, or maybe you're going to see Xavier, you and that loser go well together. He's been held back how many times now?"

My arrogant silence seemed to be making him angrier, I couldn't help but keep it up. I understood now why Xavier looked older than me, I didn't care about the rest. No matter what the education department thought, he was a hell of a lot smarter than these morons. But even with knowing that, Mike was starting to get to me. I covered it all up with the conceited smile, that seemed to work so well at pissing him off.

He looked over his shoulder at Victoria.

"Maybe he's going to hang out with his little orphan girlfriend. Oh, wait they won't let you near her will they psycho"

I couldn't tell you when I decided to do anything, because I don't remember thinking it over. I don't remember thinking anything he said after that.

I ran at him with full force, lifting him off the ground as I collided with him. Started hitting him over and over until he cried and screamed that I stop.

All I could think about was her, that I couldn't take anything being said about her.

Not fucking ever. No excuse.

She never done shit to anyone, so anyone who would dare say anything about her can go to hell. Fuck what anyone thinks of me.

But I heard a snap and I felt something shatter under my fists, that stunned me and brought me up to my feet.

Victoria grabbed at me and pushed me away from him, so she could see he was ok. He laid on the ground holding his chest, crying hysterically in pain.

Now I've done it. I'm so screwed.

…..

I was waiting all night for a knock at the door or the phone to ring, but nothing.

I sat on the end of my bed after saying an early goodnight to everyone. I was happy Emmett had decided to go camping with a friend's family. I didn't want to have to worry that he would hear me sneak out. Hell, I didn't want to have to worry about him, worrying about me.

I checked my bag to make sure I had what I needed.
I tapped my foot and paced back and forth.
Then I checked my bag again. And tapped my foot some more. Then I paced some more, and then I thought I'd mix it up a bit and started tapping my foot again. I never used to be anything like this. It happened so gradually. But lately I started to notice. I started to notice myself. To stop watching everyone else and start watching my own actions.
I know that sounds odd, but I did. I could look in the mirror at my eyes and the dark irises that surrounded them from living a life with no sleep. It felt like I was always moving, even if it was only slightly.
tried a few days ago to just sit completely still. I should be able to do that right?
So then why did I almost pull my hair out of my skull just trying?

Why did I have these dreams, that's only purpose seemed to be, to drive me insane with guilt and make me sick to the core of my soul?
Even hitting James today was almost like a release of my anger, it made me feel good. I wanted to do it every day.
I never thought I'd think like that.

There were so many more little things that I started to notice. I was far too scared to ask Carlisle about any of it; it seemed like good enough reason for a doctor to dope me up and turn me into a zombie.

I waited until seven o'clock to leave. I should have waited longer to be safe but I just couldn't sit in that room any more.

…..

As I approached the house, I slowed down. Even though Billy was gone I still had to be careful. If Sam saw me and told Billy, he would make it harder than it already was. I wanted him to keep thinking that I was too scared to go anywhere near his house.

I waited in the Forrest for a while to make sure I wasn't going to get caught. It almost seemed too easy and I was sure like everything else it wouldn't last long.

I wished more and more to be agile like she was, to be able to set out a plan and find the best way to get from A to B. I always felt so uncoordinated, especially lately. She was quick, quiet and brilliant. I was just Edward. Always two yards behind her when we ran, the one who couldn't hack it and went mad, the one who needed to be strong, but couldn't.

It was darker than usual, for that I was grateful. I made my way up to the shed in the yard and paused again. The sneakier I tried to be the more nervous I got. I couldn't bear the thought of creating anymore problems for her, so I had to do this right each time.
It felt like even my breathing was too loud, but I could see that her light was on. I took one last breath before I ran as fast as my feet would carry me to the side of the house, before throwing myself soundlessly under her window. I closed my eyes for the longest time, waiting to see if someone had heard me.
My hands shook uncontrollably. But why, why couldn't I stop them. I starred at them for a moment willing them to stop, begging them too. I rubbed them into my knees that were pulled up towards my chest, as if I could remove the tremor by rubbing my hands into my jeans.

"Eddie?"

I shook my hands violently before standing quickly and pulling the nails out with my fingers before I even looked at her.

My gaze met her shocked expression, she didn't say anything but I could tell I surprised her.

I slowly pulled the window up,
"sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" I whispered.

"Don't be stupid. Get in here" she laughed out quietly as she started pulling me through the window. I almost feel through, in a rush to reach her, but before I did she wrapped her arms around me and dragged me to my feet.

"I missed you." She said as she squeezed me so tightly I could hear her heart beating into my chest. No one else would have noticed the difference in her voice. It sounded desperate, more broken...if it was possible.

"Hey" I pulled her back to stare into her eyes; I searched them deeply trying to determine if everything was ok. I found I was getting straighter answers from them more than her lately.

"You need to get some sleep"

I picked her up playfully, making her giggle as I took her over to her bed. I didn't need to talk to her; I just needed to be with her. I needed her close to stop myself from going mad.
I was kind of happy we didn't want to sit up and talk. I didn't want to tell her what I had done on my home from school today, it would seriously piss her off and I didn't want to lie when she asked about my day. Unlike her, I couldn't bring myself to spin bullshit to her. But that was only because I owed her so much, I had to at least give her the truth.

I loved holding her and running my fingers through her hair, rubbing her back, soothing her into a safe sleep, that she obviously craved. It was the least I could do, the only thing I could do.

I watched her sleep and realised that her light was fading, that was obvious. But there's nothing I can do for her now, all I can do is promise to make her future as bright as I could. I knew I could make her happy forever, if given the chance. I knew it would be easy, because it was meant to be. It was our destiny. I was sure of it, more than anything else. Even if it was childish to believe that, I hung onto it with everything I had.

I had to look at all of this as a test. I had to look at this as if I was being tested. How I continued would reflect my future, the harder I tried the easier life would be. I had to find a way to repair the damage done. To make her dreams come true.

She began to twist in my arms after a few hours, I thought maybe she was waking up. For a second I was worried because she began to shift away from me, like she wanted to get out of my hold on her.
"Bella?" I whispered forcefully and shook her lightly, trying to get her attention.
She slowly lifted her head off my chest to look up at me, she huffed and puffed heavily for a moment as she looked up to examine my face and suddenly smile lightly at me. She pushed her face into my chest trying to catch her breath.
"Did you have a bad dream?"
She nodded into me, struggling to steady her breathing.

"where did you go" she whispered, still half asleep. I reached out to wipe the curls from her face.
"I didn't go anywhere. I'd never leave you" I whispered back, as I wiped the sweat from her brow.

"What was it about" I whispered back, so low I doubted that she heard me. Thinking that while she was half asleep and in a daze, that she might talk to me.

"I see the stars and there everywhere. They look beautiful, but I feel sick to my stomach. It's like I'm drowning. At first, I think I'm floating, but then I see you. You're holding me. But your just covered in blood. And your eyes, it's like you're gone."

I let out a heavy breath that hurt my lungs, trying to stay calm, something that was only ever easy to do when I was with her.

What she dreamed was something that had only ever been described to me. That I was found walking aimlessly, covered in blood, carrying her tightly to my chest. The people who found us said I was in so much shock, that they weren't sure if I could hear them. They said that I wouldn't let her go until the ambulance arrived.
The ambulance officer had to explain that Bell needed to go to the hospital and that he would take her, and make sure she was safe. I had collapsed soon after she left my arms.

But it was just a story to me and nothing more. I didn't say anything, I just stared back at her intensely. I didn't want to remember any of it and I didn't want her too either. I started to think that was why she could survive it. That night didn't dominate her life like it did mine. Charlies death did. But she didn't blame anyone for it. Not even the drunk driver that killed him.

"Was it that night?" she asked with no visible emotion on her face, she just stared at a spot on my neck, where her fingers twirled nervously over the skin.

"I don't remember anything after..." I said looking away from her. She scrunched her brow, confused at my words.

"After what?"
Suddenly she seemed to glare into me, searching my eyes for answers. Ones I didn't want to give her.

"You said you didn't want me to tell you about it." I said questioning her. Hoping she would decide to drop it. It was a story no one needed to hear, least of all her.

"I said I didn't want to hear what happened to Dad, I want to know what happened to you" she declared confidentially.

"They're the same story" I breathed out, focusing on a spot on the wall. She shook her head at me closing her eyes for a brief second.
" You can tell me what happened without telling me everything." I was more than a little taken back with what she said.
She seemed so tiny lying on my chest clutching my shirt as she spoke. I could almost hear her heart screaming at me not to tell her anything.
Honestly, I wanted to grab her, cry into her hair and tell her how horrible it was. How lifeless she looked, how her father was crushed and I couldn't save him. How I let him die.

"Eddie, I can handle it" she added quietly, when she saw my obvious reluctance to speak.

Handle it?

I didn't want her to handle it. She didn't want to know for herself, she wanted to no these horrible, life shattering things to help me. To fix me. But she couldn't see that, the more she knew, the more it would break her.

"Bell. I don't want to talk about it. Please. I don't remember most of it really"
I was the worst liar. She looked straight through me, like she could see past the bullshit.
I reached out and wrapped my hand around the side of her face, stroking her frown lines with my thumb softly.
I was so happy she was unconscious for the accident. She doesn't have to remember him like that. With that look of complete and utter pain. To have to realize that we would have to leave him behind to die alone.

"This is mine, not yours. I thank god you don't remember, I need that, I need to keep that"

She didn't get angry or sad, she just stared at me for the longest time.

"I worry about you. I worry that you're not going to be OK" she sounded so scared.

She looked so much older than the girl I used to meet in the Forrest. She was changing, her body filled out and her facial features seemed more pronounced. It wasn't just her that had physically changed. I towered over her now, whereas before we used to be the same height, even my hands were big enough to completely cover hers.

Before, I wouldn't have noticed the changes.

They would have happened slowly before my eyes, but now it was thrown in my face that she was growing up without me, instead of beside me.

"There's no point in telling you not to worry, is there?"

She smiled at me,
"Edward if you tell me not to worry, I'll punch you."

There she is, that's my Bella. She was still in there.

I ran my fingers up and down her spine. The other hand wiped the mass of curls that had fallen in front of her face.

I wanted to force the image of how she looked right now into my head. Her cheeks were so rosy and skin was as white as snow. She looked like an angel that had fallen through the ceiling and landed on my chest. I leaned forward and kissed her hair, before moving closer to her. I tried to remember this moment. Once again convinced that I could push out the bad thoughts and replace them with the good. I'm sure it doesn't work like that. But I couldn't stop myself from silently, but frantically trying.

We talked for hours, she whispered sweet dreams of our future while I continued to absorb the perfect moment.

…..

I remember her saying something before I fell asleep, something sweet, but what?
The words are jumbled in my head and all I remember clearly was the feeling, what it was like to have her fingers touch the skin on my face and neck.

I told her before the sun came up that I had to go. For once the departure wasn't horrible. I could almost see a light for us. Sure, it was dim and far away. But still, it beat the complete darkness.

We were happy, laughing and giggling while I climbed out of her window. I remember ducking my head back in once I had my feet on the ground. I placed my hand over the side of her face to pull her close and kiss me. She was glowing, joyful, that's what I thought as I took off into the Forrest. I carried that with me. I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. I was deep into the Woods, on the trail home, still thinking about her lips on mine when it happened.

I thought I heard a noise behind me, but before I could turn I heard a heavy blow that brought on darkness...
I remember pain in the back of my head and my ribs. But that was it.