The week between Suyin's next visit was torturous, yet blissful. On one hand, it Kuvira time to think... or more accurately obsess; of what to say, what to do next, what her former lover's two simple words had meant. "I know" seemed to loom over all of her thoughts, but the few days were also very needed. Kuvira didn't know if she was ready- reconciling with Su, all of the mistakes she would have to admit to, everything that had gone wrong. She knew the answer before she had began to mull over the situation. She wasn't ready. It had only been 5 months into her imprisonment, and while she had begun to improve, Kuvira wasn't stable enough to try anything with Suyin again. Friendship was pushing it, so perhaps a sort of understanding could happen.

The annoying voice inside Kuvira's head popped up once again, and whispers of wanting a relationship with Suyin rearing their ugly heads. Kuvira shook her head quickly, trying to stop the notion from taking center stage in her complicated musings, but it was too late. Flashbacks of laughter and tracing around Su's smooth skin consumed her and the desperate intensity of all of their kisses were easily remembered. Kuvira hesitantly touched her lips, as if she could still feel the warmth and pressure of Suyin's against her long had it been since she had last kissed Su? 3 years and about 5 months the voices responded quickly. The longing in Kuvira's heart had not stopped since she left Zaofu 3 and a half years ago.

Damn it why must everything in her life come back to Suyin Beifong? Spirits knows that Kuvira has tried resisting the woman, but eventually she couldn't stop herself from coming back to her. Su was an undeniable force of nature; beautiful, but could destroy you in second. She had felt a connection with Su since the first day that she had met her, being taken into her home. Kuvira was never truly apart of the Beifong family, the mother daughter relationship had never fitted them. Mentor and protege were more accurate, and they spent so much time together making connections, which grew until their platonic, fond feelings changed into... well Kuvira wasn't quite sure what she had felt. Was it love? Was it lust? It was love, Kuvira would not lie about that, at least not to herself. She had been enamored with Suyin and her free spirit. Though, she was certain that Su couldn't have loved her. Su was married and had children, and while she cared for Kuvira, she couldn't possibly love her with Bataar Sr. around.

Even though he was the main reason Su could never love Kuvira, she had never hated the man. He was too kind to hate. Kuvira had been jealous of the him a few times, especially towards the beginning of her intimate relationship with Su and when Su had to slip out of her bed to go rejoin the Beifong family. Regardless, Bataar was always warm towards her, had tried to accommodate to her and give her everything that he had thought Kuvira needed. In fact, Kuvira had felt terrible about betraying Bataar when she had developed feelings for his wive, but she buried her guilt with anger about not being as apart of her supposed family as she wanted and rage at being neglected as a child from her birth parents.

Everything was so confusing and complicated now. Being the Great Uniter was much easier than being... whatever Kuvira is. The Great Uniter was organized, well put together, and obtained order; she had no real attachments other than Bataar Jr and even he was expendable at the time. Now, Kuvira was in shambles; broken and lost. She had so much to lose and had even lost that she didn't realize: Su, the rest of the Beifongs, even if they would not forgive her, and Korra, though their friendship was new and mostly one sided as Kuvira didn't really speak. She needed balance, guidance... She just needed someone to talk to besides herself, and that person couldn't be Su, not yet.

Kuvira closed her eyes and counted the seconds passing by, taking deep calming breaths. 1,2,3... When she opened her eyes at 12,058, she realized that her dinner tray had been dropped off. Slowly padding her way over to the wooden board with a simple plate of rice and stew, Kuvira stretched and as she did, missed the feeling of strong muscles being stretched to their limit and the empowerment they once gave her. Taking a small spoonful, she tasted her cold, hard meal. She must have been counting for longer than she had thought, normally her meals were warm. She laid the spoon back down carefully and counted again: 197 grains of rice, 6 chunks of meat, and 13 vegetables. She wasn't that hungry anyway.

Eat, the voices urged her, you need to build up your strength or at least maintain what little you have left. Kuvira had to admit that she had begun to change since her incarceration. Her tailored uniform was traded in for plain grey cotton pants and a pullover frock. Without bending and daily exercise, her sinewy muscles had started to loss their definition, make her softer; she had also dropped weight, not having the will to eat most of the time, so some of her bones were more prominent than they used to be; her hair was no longer perfectly kept in her orderly bun or in her infamous braid, instead left down, hanging wildly around her face in a tangled mess. She was allowed to bath every few days, so while her hygiene wasn't to her old standards, she wasn't repulsively disgusting either. She just didn't care anymore. What was the point of being pristine when she had no one to intimidate or an image to uphold?

She remembered the first time Su had visited her and the brief moment of shock that played across the older woman's face, before being hidden behind a mask of false calm when she saw Kuvira's untidy, rough appearance. Kuvira couldn't really think of a time besides the mornings after their nights together when Su would have seen her with her hair down and so unruly, especially out of the privacy of Kuvira's apartment.

Kuvira curled up on her cot, wrapping her blanket around her, and reminisced about the times when Suyin used to brush her hair and play with it when they had down time together. Kuvira would sit in between Su's legs as her lover would softly brush through Kuvira's tangles and run her fingers through her hair before delicately braiding strands together or whatever picture Su had in her mind. Sometimes Su was so gentle that Kuvira would fall asleep, leaning back softly into Su's lap. Kuvira would always wake to Suyin kissing her forehead lightly, then her cheek, and finally, her lips. She had wished that everyday could have been like that; not a worry in the world, just caring for each other.

The memories made Kuvira's heart ache and the pain began anew for it was just not meant to be. She and Su had passed through the time when their relationship was in the sun, warm and happy. Now they were lost in the shadows and maybe would never see the light again, never be together again. Wetness dripping onto her collar bones startled Kuvira out of her morose nostalgia. With a quick, jerky motion, Kuvira wiped away her tears, cursing herself for her moment of weakness. She rarely cried; she though that she had gotten past the point of self pity. She was supposed to be calm, to never falter or show vulnerability. She was strong. She was a rock. She was metal.

A sob bubbled up and escaped her mouth, making her chest hurt even more. Kuvira tried to stifle it, and the one after, but to no avail. She gasped for air, trying to get a hold of her emotions, but the dam that kept them at bay had broken and the flood of all of her repressed feelings were drowning everything in their path. Kuvira squeezed her eyes shut, trying to make the tears cease; she tried to find her place of control and counted the seconds. 1,2,3,4- another sob. 5,6,7,8,9,10- more tears dripped onto her prison frock. 11,12,13- more sobbing. Kuvira couldn't get a hold of herself as hard as she tried.

Finally, she jumped up, blanket falling to the floor, and started pawing at the walls. She needed to get out. She needed to feel normal. She needed to feel some resemblance of normalcy. Kuvira began hitting the walls, hoping that the pain or the sound would distract her from her ridiculous emotional turmoil. Bang! Her fist collided with cold platinum. It had been such a long time since she had hit something. She wasn't allowed to do many physical activities, for fear of her trying to escape, but right now she didn't care about the rules. She kept punching the wall until her knuckles were bloody and her hands were too sore to curl into fists.

Exhausted and finally in control of her emotions, Kuvira slumped down onto her cot. She looked down slowly at her hands and blanched; her hands had ghastly bruises in colors ranging from yellow to black and her knuckles were bleeding. Kuvira tore some strips of fabric from the bottom of her frock and tentatively wrapped her hands, winching slightly as she put the cloth on her knuckles. She hoped that they would bring her a water basin sometime soon so that she could clean her hands. On top of everything else I don't need an infection, Kuvira thought. Making sure that guards didn't find out about her episode might be a bit of a challenge, but she could handle that. The only problem would be keeping it from Su. Despite their distance and the strain of their relationship, Su knew Kuvira well, almost too well, and would surely notice her swollen hands if she saw them. Yet another reason for Kuvira to be anxious about Su's weekly visit tomorrow; 24 hours, 8 bloodied knuckles, and 11 bruises.