I'm back. Finally.

Thank you for all your nice (and not so nice) words. It was interesting to read your reactions to my new story. Obviously, not many of you are fascinated by Leila's and Christian's relationship, but who said that their relationship is going to survive? :)

I know, it's awkward to read Christian being with Leila or anyone else besides Ana. But trust me, please trust me that this is in fact a ChristianxAna story!

And you guys were shocked that Christian didn't even notice Ana. But sometimes life is like that. Not everyone falls in love at first sight. People need to communicate, to get to know each other before they can develop any kind of feelings. And of course, you guys only heard the thoughts of Ana who doesn't think very fondly of herself. As shy as she is, it's no wonder that she doesn't dare to talk to Christian.

Have faith in Ana (and me), if she and Christian are meant to be, then nothing can stop them (maybe me).

Have fun and see you at the bottom :-*


2. The coffee / tea shop

"Here. Your tea, Ana." Luke places the porcelain cup full of English Breakfast Tea (without sugar, bag out) in front of me.

"Thanks, Luke." I turn back to the manuscript on my laptop and he groans.

"Ana, we aren't supposed to be working when we are having lunch." That so called lunch is consisting of a bagel and some tea.

"Sorry, Luke, I have to finish this one."

"Didn't Robert tell you that you have time until Friday?" Robert is our boss, an old man with a funny mustache.

"Yeah."

"It's Wednesday, for pity's sake! And knowing you, it's easy to say that you are probably eighty percent done already!" He sounds frustrated, as usual, with me.

"You know how I like to get things done as soon as possible. Why are still surprised after working together for the past three years?"

I didn't start to work at SIP right after college. First I had to bridge the unrealistic expectations of employers who desperately were searching for a young adult, fresh out of college, with 10 years of experience. There I was, a college graduate with no job and no money living in Seattle – more like trying to survive in Seattle. In order to do vital tasks like eating and paying rent, I had to find a job – no matter what it would be. I ended up as a vendor at a Hardware store but I still didn't earn enough to have an own apartment. That's why Leila and I became roommates. After college, Kate moved in with her brother, Ethan, and soon Mia, his fiancee, moved in with them. Paying rent is so much easier when you don't live alone.

When I got a job at SIP, luckily my payment increased, but Leila and I decided that we would share an apartment until one of us got in a long lasting relationship.

Luke mumbles something under his breath before he takes a sip of his coffee – with a lot of milk and sugar – and turns his attention to his newspaper, the Seattle Times.

I should feel bad because I am neglecting my friend. But work has always been a priority for me and if don't get my tasks done as soon as possible, I get anxious. That's why I am reading and editing the two chapters of a book called 'Laugh, Love, Life – the three L's you need' – could there be a crappier title? - instead of enjoying my break. It's actually pretty logical: the more I do know, the less I have to do later.

"Look! Kate's article has been published." Luke announces delightedly "You know the one she was talking about? The one with the robbery at the retirement home? Ah, look at this, by Katherine Kavanaugh."

He holds the newspaper towards me, the page with Kate's article on top. I read it and I am not surprised of her brilliance.

"I knew they would print it! Kate was doubting herself! We should celebrate this." I am genuinely happy for my friend, our proud journalist. She was the best of her class and she has her way with humans. When she is in her journalist mode then she can see through you with her penetrating blue eyes. "In fact, we should call her."

I dial Kate's number on my phone.

"Hey, Ana." she greets me. In the background, I hear the sounds of a restaurant. She is probably having lunch with her colleagues.

"Congratulations, Kate. I saw your article!" I cheer her.

"Thanks, Ana. Did you really like it? You know how insecure I was about it."

"Nonsense, Kate! You captured the heart of every reader, I am sure. And your grammar was on point." I assure her.

She makes a gleeful voice and thanks me once again.

"Listen, Luke and I were thinking that we should celebrate this. Maybe on Friday. We could go to eat some fine dinner and afterwards we could go to Seatdown. I'm sure José would sponsor a few drinks."

"That sounds like a plan! I'm in. Ana, I have to go now but let's talk again, okay? Don't be a stranger." We say goodbye and hang up.

"What did she say?" Luke asks as he puts away the Seattle Times into his briefcase – something we mock him for.

"She says Friday is the perfect time for celebrations."

"Hmm, Friday? I don't think I can go out on Friday. My girlfriend and I... oh! Right! I don't have a girlfriend. Yay!" He looks pissed.

"I thought being single was great?"

Luke is a man who likes his privacy and his freedom. Usually all of his relationships end with his partner being needy and him being distant.

"It is great when I can put my feet on the coffee table or when I can have beer for breakfast without someone yelling at me. But I am 31 years old and I need someone who loves me for what I am."

"Really? Beer for breakfast?"

"That's not the point, Ana."

"Sorry. Luke, you say that you want someone who loves you for what you are but it's not a secret that people always have something to nag about. They will always want you to change for them, they will find somethings annoying about you. And in a healthy relationship it's the best if both partners compromise. It's a give and take."

"But do you remember Natalie?" His ex. "She wanted me to stop seeing you guys because you were female and single."

"Yeah, I was talking about a healthy relationship. Natalie was just being possessive. That can't be healthy. Your partner shouldn't ask you to stop seeing your friends, unless they are serial killers. They can politely ask you to stop smacking while eating, for example. And if you don't even try to change, then you are obviously not thinking that your partner is worth it."

"Man, Steele. You are a relationship expert." Luke grins at me. "Are you talking out of experience?"

"No. I am talking about common sense."

To be honest, my experience with men and relationships is thin. Until now I only had three serious relationships, all of them didn't last long. My partners usually had different ideas about relationships and commitment. Some may say that I bored them away with my anxiety, my never ending love for books, my shyness,... the list goes on. But you could also say that my exes all have replaced me with a younger and hotter model as soon as they were given the chance.

I can see why my behavior may have been destructive for a relationship, but some of my exes didn't understand why cheating wasn't a solution.

My very first boyfriend, Joshua Brown, was my high school sweetheart. He was the popular baseball player, I was the shy wallflower. Together we were the main topic of a cheesy, two hours long teeny movie. We were lab partners, he was nice to me and I think the task to microscope onions caused a weird romantic atmosphere. Our relationship, which caused a huge drama at school because the popular boy dating the nerdy girl always does, ended on our prom night where Joshua told me that he had enough of my – I am quoting – 'anxious, prude ass'. I was sad because 18 year old me thought that he was the love of my life but when I found out that he was cheating on me for the past two months with Elizabeth 'Lizzie' Theron – the Queen B of our school – I got over his ass.

Boyfriend number two I met in college. Alex Robbins was studying English Literature like me and when I heard him quote Tess of the d'Urbervilles once, I was sure that he was the most enchanting, dream worthy man alive . He was a really nice gentleman who was patient with me and my funny habits. I lost my virginity to him because I trusted him. After four months, we came to the conclusion that we wanted different things in life – I was planning a happily ever after and he was thinking about going to Europe to have the time of his life. He promised to call me when he is back from Europe and if we both should be single we would try again. Unfortunately, he found the love of his life in Italy – and I can't win against an Italian beauty. It took me a while, but I got over him eventually.

My last boyfriend and I met at the hardware store I worked at after college. In fact, he was the owner's younger brother, Paul Clayton. Back then he was studying at Princeton and we only met whenever he was back in town, which lead to a long-distance relationship – a predestined catastrophe. While Paul was always sweet to me and rather romantic whenever he was in Seattle – dinner in the Space Needle, picnics, big teddy bears, etc. -, he was everything but faithful to me. Guess who had his fun with the ladies of Princeton while I waited for him like the naive little thing I am? I found out when Paul's phone accidentally opened his message box thanks to a technical miracle... okay, I snooped. Call it female intuition but somehow I knew that he couldn't be this perfect.

After having survived these relationships, I had lost faith in humanity and men. I thought that no man ever could make me fall in love again.

Until last Friday.

Last friday I met the love of my life.

I don't know why I am so sure on that because I didn't know Christian Grey but something – my heart, my female intuition, or god himself, I don't know – told me that he was the one. It wasn't just his beauty, his grace or the sound of his laugh, it was something I felt. Like a magnet he attracted me, I felt like a moth who desperately needed the warmth of the light.

And even if this situation should kill me, make me depressive, I never would regret having these feelings.

I had forbidden myself to think about him. Whenever he entered my thoughts, I tried to think about something else. Whenever my heart beat faster because of him, I tried to regularize it. But I couldn't control my dreams at night. Since Friday, my dreams were filled with light gray eyes – I had been able to see his eyes up close when Leila introduced us -, warm laughter and the feeling of falling into cotton candy – soft, sweet and cozy. That's the feeling of falling in love.

I had felt this feeling before and I knew that at this point there was no way back for me. I did the most logical thing: Even if I can't put an end to these feelings, I can still try to stop their growth. That meant, no daydreams about him, no thoughts about him.

I had to endure this for Leila. My best friend.

She and Christian got along pretty well on Friday. They talked all night long – more like flirted - , laughed at each others jokes, were obviously attracted to each other, and what's worse, they looked awesome together. Breathtakingly awesome. Heartbreakingly awesome. I think I died a little. I didn't dare to talk more than it was needed. I politely answered whenever someone asked me something – John did try to engage me into a conversation but gave up when I only answered in short sentences – but apart from that I was silent. My friends weren't surprised. They probably thought that the presence of strangers just intimidated me like always. But if we should meet with our new friends frequently, I had to talk with them. Otherwise it would be suspicious.

I listened to their conversations. I saw how Elliott and Kate got along – she always gets what she wants -, how Luke and John made Mia laugh with their jokes, how Ethan made Jason talk which was surprising because like me he had been silent. And I listened to Leila's and Christian's conversation. I got all the facts which made me fall in love with him harder by listening to how he flirted with another woman. Great.

I found out that his favorite band was Linkin Park, he loved to travel and it was his dream to see all of the world, he loved his work as a technician, he had graduated from NYU, and his undying love for French Cuisine.

By the end of the night, they had exchanged phone numbers. And on Monday, he called her to ask her out. They were going to have dinner and watch a movie on Saturday.

If there was a secretly planned invasion of our planet by aliens, then Saturday would be a pretty good time.

Not that I didn't grant my best friend an evening with a handsome man. I just didn't think that I could survive to see them together. And we all know, that a date with Christian Grey can't be nothing but awesome.

Here I am, a 25 year old young woman, thinking about a man who is interested in my best friend.

I'm pathetic.

Pathetically in love.


"To Katelyn Kavanaugh, the best journalist of Seattle. To be."

We clink our glasses.

"Thank you, you guys. Without your help, I wouldn't be here." Kate's eyes glaze over, her gratitude can be heard in her shaking voice.

It's Friday evening and we are having dinner at 'La mia casa', an Italian restaurant with big round tables clothed in burgundy table cloths and minimalist decoration in form of a white candle and a single rose in a glass bottle.

"I am going to frame your article, little sis." Ethan tells Kate.

Kate hugs her brother who is sitting besides her.

"What did your boss say to you, Kate? Was he like 'you did great, kid' with a heartwarming clap on your shoulder? Or was he like 'how surprising that you were able to create something else than nonsense' with the expression of Alan Rickman?" Mia mimics fitting voices for the examples she made, making us laugh.

"No, he pulled me over and was very polite when he said 'Ms. Kavanaugh, I was very delighted when I read your article. Jeff and I were in complete agreement and decided that it deserves to be published. I can't wait to see your future work.'" Her eyes are glistening with proud.

"Imaging Kate getting famous. Then we would be friends with a celebrity." Leila swarms. "Unless she forgets us as soon as she is rich and famous."

"Like I could ever forget you. We are friends for life." Kate throws a kiss towards Leila who winks at her.

Our food gets served, I ordered steak with cooked vegetables, and we enjoy our food while making small talk. Luke and I tell our friends about the recent events at our office, our boss fears an acquisition, and Mia makes us laugh with her stories about her students – she teaches math at a high school.

And of course, Leila tells us in every detail her daydreams about her coming date with Christian.

My heart cringes painfully. But I put on a smile and listen to her talk.

"I was at lunch when he called." It feels like I am hearing this story for the millionth time. "When I saw his name on my display, I thought my heart stopped beating. But of course I played cool when I answered it."

By now the girls are hanging on her lips, anticipating a love story.

"He was sweet and told me that he had wanted to be cool and wait a few days before he called me like guys usually do, you know the 'wait three days before you call' act of coolness? Well, Christian said that he couldn't wait to see me that's why he doesn't give a damn thing about coolness." Leila squeaks gleefully while Kate and Mia are grinning at her. "He stuttered a little bit when he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him on Saturday. But god, when he stutters he sounds so cute. I could kiss the cuteness out of him!"

One punch right into my heart. That's what I needed. Thank you.

"When is he going to pick you up tomorrow? What are you going to wear? Oh my god, this is so exciting! I remember our first date." Mia dreamily glances at Ethan who is talking to Luke. The guys don't seem to feel the need to listen to Leila's story again. She had already told it via group chat on Monday, on Tuesday she told it to Kate and Mia with whom she met for dinner, and on Thursday Kate and she had another conversation about it in our group chat. And of course, I had to listen to it a few times more because I was sharing an apartment with her.

"We will have dinner at 6pm, the movie starts at 9pm. And afterwards, who knows what happens." Leila winks playfully at us. Oh god. I never thought about the aftermath of their date. What would happen? Would they meet again? Maybe their date is going to be painfully bad. Maybe they won't meet again. Hope rises in me, hope which I don't want to have. Deep down I already know that their date is going to be great, they are going to get along well and maybe they will even kiss.

A kiss.

I bring my fingers to my lips, fingertips tracing my bottom lip. It has been to long since my last kiss.

And until now I didn't miss the feeling of warm, firm lips on mine.


Saturday, 5pm.

Doomsday.

The day my pathetic little world is going to crush.

I snort. I'm being histrionic.

"Okay, which one?" Leila asks me while she holds up two shirts. One being black with see through arms, the other being purple with pearls on its collar. She is wearing her special jeans already, jeans that make her ass look great. "Be honest, Ana."

She sound nervous. I never have seen her nervous because of a date. This is new.

"The purple one. It looks great with your complexion." Satan on my shoulder dares me to give her an ill advise, but I love her too much to do that.

Hastily she holds the purple shirt against her upper body and looks down with an arched brow, clearly doubting my choice. But then she smiles. "You are right. Purple looks great. Thanks, Ana." She throws me a kiss before she goes to her bedroom.

I return my concentration back to my laptop.

From: Raymond Steele

To: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Is this thing on?

Date: 09/27/2015

Hey Annie,

how are you? How are your friends? Greet them for me. Your mum insisted that I write you because you haven't called for a week. And whenever we called you were too busy to talk. We are not young anymore. Who knows what could happen to us before you call. (The last two sentences were from your mother. Blame her. Not me.). We miss you, child. Stay safe.

Love,

Ray

My mum's usual guilt trip works. Damn. I will call them as soon as possible.

Ray and Carla, my parents, live in Savannah, where they moved when Ray's firm gave him a raise. He works for a company which is specialized in the great art of carpentering.

My mum is a free spirit, she is searching for her great passion. She used to be a kindergarten teacher, back then when they lived in Seattle, but soon she saw that this wasn't something she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Now she is trying a few hobbies, like pottery making and creating vision boards.

Ray is her complete opposite. He is calm and simple. Give him fish and beer and he is happy. He has the patience of a saint, which he needs with my mother by his side, I suppose.

"Ana! Which lipstick should I wear?" Leila is back in front of me, now wearing the purple shirt, waving two lipsticks in front of my face.

"I like the black one, but wouldn't that be over the top? And the rosy one looks great."

Leila's blue eyes are widen, she looks frustrated. She is wearing mascara which makes her long lashes look even longer and fuller. Her dark hair is styled into a curly mess, it's long and beautiful.

"I like both." I'm getting frustrated with her. She asks me all this stuff as if I am the expert of fashion and style. She should ask Mia or Kate.

"That's not helping, Ana." She whines and ruffs her hair. The two lipsticks fall to the ground and roll on our parquet floor. With an heavy sigh she sits down on our armchair – a flowery thing which we bought from a thrift shop.

"I don't know, Leila. I rarely use lipstick myself, you know that."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry for being a bitch." She glances at our owl shaped clock on the wall. It's a little after 5pm. "But I want this to be perfect. Like really perfect. This is the first time since Mitch -" her ex "- that I have these feelings for a guy. I don't even understand it, I mean, I only met him once for fuck's sake! But I have... these feelings. You know what I mean?"

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I gulp.

My chest tenses.

My heart skips a beat.

Enough of this. I promised myself not to let my thoughts wander to Christian and I forbid my body to react.

"Wear the rosy one. It looks great."

Leila picks up the lipsticks from the floor and thanks me before she runs back to her own room once again.

I quickly type an answer to Ray, promising to call as soon as possible, telling him to calm my mum down. My father is the only one who can do that.

"Okay, my makeup is done. My hair is done. My outfit looks fabulous. I think I am ready."

Leila twirls in front of me, now wearing a black leather jacket over her purple shirt and her jeans. Her feet are cowered in black ankle boots. She looks casual and chic.

"You look awesome, Leila."

I just wish you weren't going out with my prince.


Still hating? Or still loving? What do you think?

Leave your love / hate / whatever.

Xoxo Melii