-

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Unless you have a better idea, this is the only way to get you in unnoticed."

Wilson hefted a large cardboard box down from the shelf. He began to empty the contents (new sponges) at House's feet. The two were currently squashed into a supply closet on the first floor.

"I can't fit in there!" House whined. "I'm not David Blaine for God's sake."

"I could always wrap you in a blanket and carry you in." Wilson replied.

House glared up at him. "I don't think so. I still have a shred of dignity."

"I got you as far as this unnoticed. Any farther and there will be security checkpoints. Do you really want to explain this to the security staff?" The younger Doctor pointed out.

"…No." House said after a moment.

"Then just try. If you really can't fit we'll try something else."

House eyed the box warily. "Not a word about this to anyone."

Wilson raised his hand. "I swear. Now get in."

House rolled his eyes, but complied. He sat cross-legged in the cardboard cube and looked up at Wilson. His head was sticking up a good six inches from the lip. "Happy now? I still don't fit."

"Lean down." Wilson replied. "I think you could just make it."

House tried and swore under his breath. Wilson was right.

"I'll take the elevator and try to be as quick as possible." The brown-eyed man promised as he leaned down.

"Just don't drop me. I don't want to add a fracture to the situation." House muttered.

"I won't." Wilson shut the flap.

House's stomach dropped as Wilson picked the box up. It tilted alarmingly to one side and the shrunken doctor was sure he was going to fall. A few moments later the box was righted and began to bob up and down. He had never suffered from claustrophobia, but the motion combined with the tiny space and lack of air unnerved him. House took slow breaths, reminding himself that a thin layer of material was all that separated him from freedom. He'd be out soon.

Wilson was having a much harder time. As small as he was, House had to weigh at least thirty five pounds. He hurried past the security desk, trying to seem nonchalant.

"Dr. Wilson?"

"Yes?" He turned around slowly.

"You dropped this." The guard approached him, holding the section of yardstick he'd cut.

He tried not to break into a relieved grin. "Thanks."

"Do you need some help with that?" The guard thumped the wood onto the box top.

"Ah, no, thanks anyway." He backed toward the elevator. "It's nothing."

"Okay." The guard shrugged and turned back to his desk.

Wilson stepped into the elevator. Several interns were in it as well, leaving no room to set the box down. He shifted uncomfortably as the elevator climbed slowly to his floor.

As soon as the doors parted Wilson rushed out, yelling a quick "Sorry!" back to the intern he'd jostled. He hurried to his office door and tried to grab his keys without dropping the box. It knocked against the wall as he snagged the key ring. A muffled "Ow!" seemed to resonate in the hallway. Wilson jammed the key into the knob and twisted, nearly spilling both himself and House onto the floor as the door sprang open. He managed to keep his balance and set the box down. House opened the flaps as Wilson locked the door again.

"What the hell was that!" The diagnostician demanded angrily. He climbed out of the box and grabbed the makeshift cane from the floor. "You can't carry a box for five minutes without having a muscle spasm?"

"You're heavy!" Wilson shot back, annoyed. "Not to mention that is a large and awkward box."

"You picked it, stop whining."

"I'M NOT…Argh!" Wilson half-sat, half-fell into his chair, exasperated. "I'm not going to argue about this. We're here, we can call your team in and try to fix this."

House approached the desk to fire back one of his patented Houseisms, and realized somewhat belatedly that at his new stature he could barely see over the thing. He sighed and tried to climb onto the desktop. After a few moments of ungraceful struggling he succeeded.

Wilson watched him, looking less angry and more concerned. "Doing okay there?"

"Fine." House panted. He brandished the stick at the younger man. "Nobody hears about this either."

"If I ever need to blackmail you I've got so much material now…" Wilson murmured, smiling slightly. "So, do you want to call them or should I?"

"You do it. We'll make it a surprise." House said sarcastically. He leaned back against a stack of old medical books, trying to catch his breath.

Wilson nodded and picked up the phone. 'If I start humming 'Short People' I think House really will kill me.'

-

"Wh…What…"

"Someone better give Chase a downer before he strokes out."

The Duckling were all gaping at their boss, who was about the size of a three-year old child (A skinny, drug addicted three year old, but the same height nonetheless). He was sitting on Wilson's desk. The oncologist was currently making his rounds, but promised to be back as soon as he could.

"What happened?" Chase finally managed.

"I decided to see if 'Shrink to fit jeans' really work." House rolled his eyes.

"This is impossible." Cameron bent down to get a better look at him.

House shrugged. "Okay, then I'm having one hell of an acid trip."

"You were fine yesterday." Foreman said. "Did you do anything differently than normal?"

"Come to think of it I did drink a beaker of strange green fluid. Thanks Foreman." House gave him a bored look. "If I had any idea about what caused this I'd have told you already."

"So what do we do now?" Chase asked quietly.

House picked up a sheet of paper and a pencil. "As Wilson doesn't have a whiteboard, this will have to do. Differential Diagnosis."

The team stared blankly at the older man.

"C'mon, we have a shrunken man and no other symptoms. This is what mad scientists dream about."

"Um…Osteoporosis can cause loss of height due to bone fractures." Chase said hesitantly.

"Obviously not the case here, since we've got overall size reduction, but it's a start." House wrote 'Ost' on the paper and slashed through it. "Anything else?"

"Plenty of things can cause rapid weight loss. There are a number of wasting diseases found worldwide." Foreman said. "But that doesn't explain the height loss."

"Okay, one more thing off the list." House repeated the writing and slashing. "Cameron, any thoughts?"

"Other than being smaller nothing else has changed?" Cameron asked while placing two fingers on his wrist

"Stop that, I'm not having a heart attack." House shook himself free of her grip. "And yes, I feel the same as always."

"Then I'd suspect it's not a coma fantasy." She replied dryly.

House rolled his eyes. "Brilliant."

"We've got no cause and an unprecedented syndrome. We're not going to find the answer by ruling things out." Chase said.

"So we need to do some tests to figure this out."

"What test could possibly explain this?" Foreman said.

"We'll know that once we start testing." House replied, annoyed. "Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you don't have to listen."

"One of us could do a physical and the others could run blood work." Chase said.

"Finally, someone get it!" House said. "Foreman, Cameron, get ready to do blood work. Chase--Get Wilson to come back and do my physical."

"I could-"

"Yeah, but you're not going to." House cut him off. "You get to stand guard duty so Cuddy doesn't find me."

"Cuddy doesn't even know you're here." Chase protested.

"Like that's ever stopped her from wrecking my life."

"Fine. I don't want to see you naked anyway." Chase muttered as he left.

"Okay, now where did Wilson hide his stash?" House lay flat on his stomach and opened the top desk drawer. "Here we are."

He'd produced a syringe still in its plastic case. Cameron and Foreman exchanged glances. House's personality (and his notions about boundaries) had obvious been unaffected by the mystifying change.

House quickly stripped the plastic off it. Cameron reached to take the syringe from him, but the older doctor gave her a reproachful glare.

"I'm smaller, not dumber."

"I was just trying to help."

"Help by running blood work." House replied as he plunged the needle into his arm. A few seconds later he withdrew it and held it out to Foreman. "Don't lose that."

Foreman rolled his eyes and took it. "C'mon, we'd better get started."

"Are you going to be alright by yourself?" Cameron looked concerned.

"Don't worry. If a tarantula shows up I'll fend it off ." House replied, brandishing the stick at her 'karate' style.

Cameron rolled her eyes at this, but finally got the message.

"C'mon." Foreman said, opening the door. The two exited, leaving House alone on Wilson's desk.

The diagnostician took the few minutes he had alone to go carefully over the preceding day's events. He'd been over them several times already, but felt like he was missing something. He honestly couldn't remember anything out of the ordinary happing, barring the placebos…

"Placebos." House murmured. He'd taken three doses of the counterfeit pills before becoming suspicious. 'I would have noticed earlier than that if they hadn't provided any real pain relief. The placebo effect doesn't work that well, especially with addicts.'

"If they were providing any kind of relief they weren't placebos." He said aloud.

'Then what the hell were they? A pill that alleviates some pain, but looks to be a sugar-pill on closer inspection? That makes no sense.'

"It makes no sense unless someone wanted me to think they were placebos." He realized. "Someone wanted me to take the pills and then forget about them.

"Damn it."

-

Wilson hurried through the doorway to his office, locking it behind him. He wasn't taking any chances that the miniature doctor would be spotted.

Said doctor didn't seem to be in the room however.

"House?" Wilson approached his desk slowly, slightly puzzled. Surely House wouldn't have left the office.

"BOO!"

"AHH!" Wilson let out an involuntary shriek as House popped up behind the desk. He was standing on Wilson's chair, grinning.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Wilson gasped.

"Just keeping you on your toes Jimmy." He replied. "What took you so long?"

"I have actual patients to attend to. Ones who don't ask me to investigate something completely bizarre and unexplainable. " Wilson grumbled.

"Bizarre yes, unexplainable no." House shrugged.

Wilson's eyes widened. "They found the cause in your blood work?"

"Nope. It was the placebos." House said.

"What?"

House grinned up at him. "Shocking I know. You've been right twice in one day."

Wilson placed a hand on his forehead. "Okay. You can explain while I'm checking you over."

"Goody goody."

-

"Damn Wilson, do you keep that thing in an icebox?" House shifted uncomfortably. "I think its frozen to my skin."

"Your heartbeat is elevated." Wilson sounded concerned. He moved the stethoscope a little, trying to get a better impression. House squirmed, due in equal parts to cold and tickling. Finally he withdrew the instrument. House wasted no time in putting his shirt back on.

"Well, nothing seems terribly abnormal." Wilson placed the stethoscope on the desk. "Your heart is beating a little fast, but that's probably due to stress."

"Great, aside from being miniature, I'm perfectly healthy." House's comment was accented by a series of knocks at the door. "My Aussie sense is tingling."

"Did you actually tell him to use a secret knock?" Wilson asked in disbelief.

"Yeah and he screwed it up. That was not even close to 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida'."

Wilson shook his head and went to unlock the door. Chase entered quickly, looking relieved about something.

"Cuddy is going to be at an off-site meeting for the rest of the day." He reported.

"Good. Now you guys can sneak me into the testing center."

"Maybe first we should tell them about the pills." Wilson interjected.

"Pills?" Chase echoed.

"All in good time." House hopped off the desk. "Now, is there a way to get me downstairs without anyone seeing?"

"We could put you on a gurney and keep you covered up. Anyone who sees us will assume you're a child." Chase shrugged.

"I like it." House nodded in approval. "Grab one, and see how Cameron and Forman are coming along with the blood work."

Chases didn't reply, but had a peculiar little smirk.

"What?"

"I'm just not used to looking down at you." Chase replied, not bothering to hide his amusement. "It's weird. You're almost…cute."

"Now is when you come out of the closet?" House demanded. The smirk vanished off Chase's face. "When I can't spread it around? This sucks even worse than I thought."

"Never mind." Chase muttered, embarrassed. He quickly left the room.

"Why does everyone seem to think mini equals cute?" This was directed at Wilson.

Wilson shrugged. "People equate smaller beings with cuteness. Your height is similar to a toddler's after all."

"No wonder Cameron's gone even more maternal." House snorted.

"She only wants to help. We all do." Wilson replied.

"Helping…annoying…Lucky they seem to go hand in hand around here."

Wilson sighed. 'Its gonna be a long day.'

-

To Be Continued...