Chapter 2

After several long weeks of observation and treatment, Allen was finally released from the hospital. All traces of the Akuma's toxic blood had been eradicated and he was officially cleared for duty. While the first thing on his mind would normally be filling his stomach he knew there was something he needed to do. He made his way to the library, then the science department… no sign yet of the target of his interest. Finally he ended up at the mess hall, hungry and somewhat disheartened. He was immediately spotted by Lenalee and Crowley who waved him over enthusiastically.

"Allen, you're finally out!" Crowley said cheerfully. "Does this mean you're all better?"

"Yep!" Allen smiled widely and flexed his arm. "I'm all healed at last and mission ready once again!"

Lenalee paused and tried not to frown. "But Allen, you were only just released. Don't you think you should still take it easy a while?"

"But all I've done is lay down and rest. 'Do this, Walker!' 'Don't do that, Walker!' 'Stop trying to sneak out!' I swear, those nurses were relentless!" Allen shuddered at the thought of their strict rules and the utter lack of personal space. "Anyway, the longer I'm out of the picture, the harder all of you have to work in my place! I'd rather be out there helping!"

This made his friends smile, relieved. Allen hadn't changed in the least and this close call hadn't had any negative impacts on the boys' mood or personality. Exposure to Akuma poison would have killed anyone else but Allen was resilient as always and that brought Lenalee comfort. She'd lost many people in this battle, but not him.

The visit was nice but Allen had not forgotten the reason for his trip to the mess hall. He scanned the large room but still did not see the one he wanted to find. He knew their home was large but to not have run into him already was troubling. Turning to Lenalee Allen cocked his head to the side.

"Anyway, have you seen Lavi around today?" Lenalee's mouth opened but she stopped herself, her eyes lowering to the floor.

"No, I haven't. None of us have…" The solemn tone of her voice concerned Allen. He prodded and eventually she told him that no one had seen Lavi since the day they returned to the order.

"You can't be serious… no one has seen him at all?"

"Not that I know of…" Lenalee admitted. "Things were so crazy when you got back and almost right away Lavi sort of vanished. He even refused medical treatment."

Not good! Allen remembered that day very well and how he had to pull a foreign object out of his friend's leg. He was limping, bleeding and trying very hard not to show how much pain he was in. That's something he noticed about Lavi very early, he tried to mask his feelings, his pain, and put everyone around him at arm's length. Well, Allen wasn't going to stand for that! Without another word, he turned on his heel and ran for the door, Lenalee's call fading out behind him. He nearly ran into Kanda on the way in, barely managing to stumble around him. Kanda growled at him and glared.

"Watch where you're going before you find yourself back in the hospital."

"Ah, sorry Kanda! I was just going to find Lavi!"

At the sound of the boy's name Kanda's expression changed drastically, sorrow and worry flashing across his features only momentarily before his head turned away.

"That idiot is probably still in his room doing… whatever he does."

"In his room?" of course, Allen thought. How could he not have thought to look there? He smiled at Kanda, hope restored before running off again. "Thank you!"

Kanda remained in his place for several seconds after Allen was out of sight before his mask of indifference could settle back into place and he could continue on his way.

Back in his room, Lavi was attempting to ease his mind the only way he could. He would press the sharp steel blade to his skin, letting it linger there for a moment before pressing, ever so slightly against the soft flesh of his forearm. It didn't take much pressure to puncture through and he was careful not to use too much force les he cut too deep. He couldn't explain why the pain was so comforting or why he was fascinated, watching his own blood pool and slide down over his pale skin. He hated and loved it just as he hated and loved himself.

He was focused, concentrated on his cuts until a loud knock to his door broke his concentration. He jumped at the noise, the blade slicing across his flesh more aggressively than he'd intended before it slipped from his fingers and onto the floor. Lavi wasn't expecting visitors and if Bookman was coming he would simply enter on his own. And he doubted Kanda would return so soon.

"Who is it?" Lavi asked, his voice low and cautious. He was not at all prepared for the voice that responded.

"it's Allen!" Lavi's face paled, his blood running cold as his eyes widened. Allen? Why was he there of all people? Why did he have to be there when he was- Shit! Where was the blade? Lavi's eyes moved from the door to the floor by his bed, desperately scanning for it, becoming even ore desperate as the seconds ticked by. Allen knocked again.

"Lavi? Lavi, are you there? Can I come in?"

"Ah, w-wait!" Allen couldn't come in now! He couldn't see what Lavi had done. Still bleeding from his cuts Lavi sprang up from his bed to continue his search for the blade. He saw a glint under his bed and dove for it, causing such a ruckus that Allen was growing uneasy on the other side of the door.

"Lavi, are you okay in there? What's wrong?"

"N-nothing! Nothing's wrong, really!" His tone was not convincing.

"Lavi, I'm coming in!"

He heard the doorknob turning, saw it creaking open and only had a spit second to stand up, pull down his dark sleeve and clutch his hand around the small blade before Allen's head poked in. Lavi stood firmly upright against the far wall, trying his best to appear calm and failing miserably.

"Y-y-yo." Lavi said awkwardly. Allen looked at him and then around the room before stepping inside.

"Lavi, what was all that about? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Of course! And why wouldn't I be?" Lavi moved his hand behind him, hoping Allen wouldn't notice.

"Well for one thing I heard you refused medical treatment! And the others havent' seen you at all since we got back, so…" The worried look on Allen's face as he crossed the room to stand in front of him nearly broke Lavi's heart.

"I was worried about you. Lavi…"

That look, those kind, innocent eyes… that soft voice was again trying to ease his pain. Again Allen was trying to comfort him when he was entirely undeserving of such kindness. It made Lavi's chest ache. He didn't deserve Allen's kindness, his sweet voice and loving nature. He deserved to suffer and hurt and-

"Lavi?" Allen was suddenly in front of him, nearly pressed against him as he stared up into his friend's eyes. It almost felt as though he could see right through him the same as he could see into the Akuma. Was Allen staring at his soul right then? Maybe… though what he would see is a twisted being unworthy of pity or redemption. Allen's and reached up then towards Lavi's cheek, feeling heat.

"Are you alright? You aren't sick are you?" Lavi bit his lip for a moment, pulling himself together before lightly grasping the boy's wrist, pulling his hand down. Somehow, Lavi managed a smile, though it was weak.

"I'm alright, Allen. I just haven't slept well lately…. That's all." He hoped Allen would accept that half-truth and leave it be. He hoped he would leave soon before he noticed the blood dripping, pooling by their feet.

"I see…. And your leg? You should have gotten treatment." Stop…

"Well, I heal quickly, so-"

"But it still hurt, right?" Please stop… Stop….

Allen was making this very hard on Lavi who was only barely holding himself together. Thankfully, a distraction as Bookman stepped into the room, making a noise of delighted surprise. Allen turned to face him and saw that Bookman was holding a bowl of soup and some parchment.

"Oh, I see you have company! How rude of me to interrupt!" Bookman said, smiling at Allen.

"I heard you were released today! I'm glad to see you in such good condition."

Allen smiled and bowed his head, turning away from Lavi. "I'm feeling much better now and it's thanks to you and Lavi that I was able to make it back!" Lavi felt his chest tighten but he couldn't bring himself to speak, to correct Allen.

"I see I see. And what brings you here may I ask?"

"Well, I wanted to see how Lavi was doing since no one had seen him lately."

"Ah well there's no need to worry. Lavi has been doing some important research since you both returned. When he is working he can sometimes forget the simple things." He emphasized his point by lifting the bowl, clearly meant for Lavi.

"Ah I see!" Allen seemed relieved to hear that. He sighed heavily.

"Though speaking of which I do believe Komui was searching for you, Allen. You'd best go find him."

"Of course. I'll do just that! Until later then!" He turned and smiled at Lavi, bidding him farewell before he was gone. Once he was out of sight, Lavi's shoulders released some of their tension and his head dropped. Bookman glanced his way before holding the bowl out to Lavi. When he didn't take it his mentor pushed it into his hands before turning away.

"Don't expect a lecture from me, Lavi. I know what you've been doing. I've been where you are now, lost in the abyss… Even so, I don't condone your actions. You need to find some way to move past this, to pull yourself together again before you completely lose yourself."

He paused, staring at the doorway. "Should that happen you wouldn't be the only one to suffer, Lavi. Now, get dressed. We're leaving in one hour." He left after that, closing Lavi's door softly.

Only when he was alone did his body relax completely. He was worn out, exhausted from trying to do what once came so naturally: pretending to be alright. Looking down, Lavi finally unclenched his hand to see the blade he'd retrieved piercing into his palm. He didn't notice he'd been holding it so tightly. He couldn't even feel it anymore. Maybe that was for the best. Maybe it was better not to feel anything at all.