Looking down upon me
There are so many things about him that irritate me. He'll leave for weeks, months at a time and I'll never hear a word. When he's here sometimes the only thing I hear is a scoffed "Hn." He'll never really say that I mean anything to him. And he refuses to let me become involved in any aspect of his life. I can't talk to his friends – who he assures know nothing about me – I can't acknowledge that I know about demons, and I most certainly cannot say a word about him or that I even know him to anyone – ever.
But the thing that really gets to me is the one thing I know he can't help. The one thing he'll never really be able to change no matter how much I beg. It's the fact that I'll never be an equal in his eyes – not even close.
I'm somewhere above scum and lowly humans but I'm nowhere close to holding any of the respect or standing that his friends hold. I guess I should've known that it would never change since the moment I met him.
In fact, the first time I met him, he sneered, called me a disgusting human, and then refused to acknowledge me for the rest of the evening. Of course that changed with time, a LOT of time, but I still feel as if I'm merely a pet. Something he has some regard to, in that he would hopefully miss me when I'm gone, but that he could and would get over rather quickly.
I know enough about him that he would protect me from danger but…I also know he would not fight with me or for me in the same way he does with his comrades. I am merely an existence to him and though he doesn't say it out loud I know it's true. I know it from the way he can leave so easily. From the way his eyes almost always hold some kind of disgust, hidden far away behind his cold exterior, at my weakness.
And while he may not say it out loud and I could be merely exaggerating, I know it to be true in my heart. It is a heartbreaking and gut-wrenching feeling to know that I'll never truly hold his heart. It makes me want to stop; stop my feelings, stop his visits, and stop my need to see him. I want to stop everything and leave. Leave to a place so far away he would never find me….But I can't.
If you've ever tried to rip your heart and crush it into a pile of sand…you'd understand that it can't be done.
