Okay, people, this is the stuff I've started writing first and the one that is I'm most nervous about posting. Please give a chance to my baby whom I love so much. Also, it might be better if you press the ½ button in the upper right corner.
I need to thank my angel of a masterbeta, storytellerslie for her efforts, the marvelous marvar, literary genius KCerena, Savannah-vee and pre-reader h32mh32m who puts my ghetto ass Cinderella of a story in its pumpkin carriage. LiviaCullen was nice enough not to call me a dirty perv when I sent her an email full of genitalia. She rocks too. And Crispy Anakin, too, who helped with the summary. And all the people who encourage me to keep doing this; I can't thank you enough. I couldn't do this without you.
If you're opposed to teenagers drinking, having sex, taking drugs and if eating disorders make you cringe, you should go read something rated T. You've been warned. I am not a babysitter.
Twilight belongs to somebody named Stephenie. I think my inner peace would be seriously compromised with a name like that. Obviously, that ain't me.
The Saint Forksian Stalker
Update
Welcome home gilded generation!
17:37 August 21st 2009
I know, I know. While I've been busy trying to tan without the tan lines and keeping up with RSVPs, cursive thank you notes and tennis matches, the summer's been long and hot and I've been falling behind on updates. But blame the pectorals and the abdominals! Guys leave them out there for the world to see, and that happy trail weaves its evil voodoo on your mind so that not even the breakout of WW III could distract you from finding out where it leads. Ahh, good times! BTW aren't Missoni maxi-dresses the most fabulous? Too bad that by the end of the summer every desperate little wannabe was wearing a tacky rip off. It's so sad when that happens; it makes true fashion victims cry. That is why Anna Wintour wears her glasses when you see her.
But summertime is over, and it's time to head back to the city, notre mère cruelle, mais toujours amusante, NYC awaits, so don your uniforms and get back to drama, intrigue, spewing lies and homework! I hope you got your uniforms fitted in time; it's just tacky to have them baggy and loose, only to end up looking like a third world country refugee who incidentally had time to do her makeup (Leah, I hope you're reading this). Paging fellow fashion victims, if you haven't done any shopping, now is the time to get started, because everything is going sell out by the time fashion week starts, and you don't want to end up going in last season's attire (Silvia, our heart goes out to you not really). The stock in most places looks pretty pitiful already, but if you need warning you're probably not one of us, anyway.
Thanks for the tips, you guys, most of them never fail to make me laugh! And for my fellow voodoo magic victims, I present you with a little recap of what happened during the summer.
Sightings:
Okay, I'm rarely one to say this but WHAT? WHY? HOW? WHY? I'm guessing you've already seen queen Bella's pics of her holiday in Europe, on Facebook. Or if you read Chi (the Italian Us Weekly) you saw it there first. Why is it that a girl who has a smokin' hot blond prince, Jasper, at home goes to Europe for the summer and hangs out with two other blond princes? (Albeit, they are real ones.) She was papped partying and then horsing around on the beach with Andrea and Pierre of Monaco. Their sister, Charlotte was there too, but she's a girl, so she doesn't count. Apparently they are all Facebook friends now. And before you ask, the answer to the big question is still no, her virtue is still intact or as intact as it ever was. Prettyinprada spotted her lingerie shopping in Paris with an unidentified group of girls on August 14th. She talked to them in an English accent and apparently the stuff in her basket was pretty risqu. I think we are onto something. I don't think she would want to cross into her 17th with her V-card officially intact. Our sources claim she was shaking it down the same night at L'Etoile and guess what; Tyler happened to be there too and you know how he's been known to make rich women beg. Is it time to get jealous, Jas?
Tanya is off the face of the earth. I don't think she is in that porno movie, as essentiAlly suggested. Missbunnypie swore on her black Amex it was her she spotted in Hong Kong with Analchy, the progressive semi-emo rebel quasi-rock band, name linked to their profile. If it's true, the only thing I have to say is that she has dreadful taste in music. The most feasible theory is that she was an all around party girl commuting between Dubai and Istanbul. I wonder if she had to wear a veil sometimes. Maybe that's the reason we haven't spotted her. Da_beeouch said she is also a pusher, dealing in synthetic drugs, mainly coke, and that for an extra 50 you can snort a line off any chosen body part. Now that I find hard to believe. She would definitely charge more. But nice try, beeouch!
The big question was, why no sighting of T and B together, the eternal BFFs? Does B know where T is? Usually they are hanging out together. Trouble in paradise? Lacylousuggested B caught T with Jasper but we all know that would not cause such a rift. They are probably having a catfight over some limited edition item. It will blow over before the school starts.
Rosalie and Jessica spent a month in Tuscany, sampling the Italian stud population. Cheekychild saw them slutting it up at the Armani bar in Milan. You go gals. God knows what I would do if I could get my hands on some DOP quality Italian man meat. Khm. I clearly suck at keeping things for myself. But I'm told Jessica cut the philandering out. I'm a bit disappointed, you want to see her let the bad girl out, but maybe next time. I'm not sure Meek Mike can keep her entertained for much longer, but it will be fun to see him try. Well, chacun voit midi à sa porte, as the French would have it.
Telling about Edward, Jasper, Emmett, Tyler and the rest of the mouth watering thieves of innumerable hearts and khm panties would be pointless. I've seen you gals at polo practices, tennis matches, hell, even croquet, standing by, always drooling at them, with your tongues hanging out. Subtlety is definitely an issue ladies, but what can I say? I'm guilty too. This is not a vice I'm going to give up any time soon. Luckily for us, the males stayed put in the Hamptons, with occasional visits to Jupiter Island for the true wasps. You gotta love Florida, babe! But I think we made sure entertainment was aplenty on our turf. Well done girls!
The Close-up was marvelous, non? Even B and R who have been lounging in Europe couldn't resist. The Company (B, R, Lauren, Jess) were spotted at R's relatives' private beach in Amagansett. No minions in sight, although Victoria and Eric were seen partying with them the day before. The party was fun, so B didn't make the minions take any clothes off, like Angela had to on her boring birthday. According to Lacylou, B looked moody and R looked bloated and pissed. Typical hangover symptoms; they should've stayed inside and ordered in a masseuse and oxygen facials. Girls, you should know better. That is no way to face a new school year.
Love out to my fellow gluttonous gossips,
The Saint Forksian Stalker
Comments:
1. 17:51 August 21st 2009 tinkerballerina's comment:
Hey Forkstalker! I know for a fact the T and B had the fall-out because they were excusive lesbian lovers and T cheated. I mean HELLO! Anyone who wouldn't bag Jasper for such a long time would have to be either stupid, or a beaver enthusiast. I vote for the latter, I had Classical English lit with B and she's definitely not stupid.
19:10 August 21st 2009 The Forksian Stalker's reply:
I don't know or I think part of the reason she could keep Jasper so long was that she could resist the lure of his peen. I know my jaw would/did (I'm not telling!) pop open and assume position if I'd seen it. And I don't see B and T getting it on. Sorry tinker! I'd be looking for B's transgressions through a certain French connection.
2. 17:56 August 21st 2009 daddy-yo's comment:
i've seen that crp analchy band in japan cos my GF dragged me to their concert. twas shit. that guy was so high out of his mind he started grinding up on one of the drums. if wat u say is true then T is a bigger ho than even I thought. so a pretty big ho. but i'd still do her.
19:11 August 21st 2009 The Forksian Stalker's reply:
I know you're going to get the wrong impression from this but so would I.
3. 19:01 August 21st 2009 Banannana's comment:
I just want to say that I know this from a sure source, my friend knows this girl who has a friend who had sex with Jasper and Edward on the night of the Mercedes Polo challenge AT THE SAME TIME WITH BOTH OF THEM! Can you believe it? She said they both used condoms, and that Edward even talked to her after.
19:15 August 21st 2009 The Forksian Stalker's reply:
What a classy lady. One of them even talked to her after. Okay, I'm just being bitter. Actually I don't care if she was a crackwh*re from a trailerpark with three front teeth missing and her own locker at the free clinic, where the nurse practitioner burns off her genital warts one by one every week. I envy the sh*t out of that bitch. Sorry for the profanity, usually I have a better grasp. But wow, if that is true (sorry, but it seems highly suspect) then she has reached the top of that Maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid. She has nothing to live for anymore. If only I could be so lucky.
4. 22:10 August 21st 2009 spankme_bob'scomment:
I'm trying to find out who you are. Since you are always going on about the sophomores (to be juniors this year), I assume you are one too. And a girl probably. But you could always turn out to be a sad sex ed teacher with no life and an unhealthy obsession with stalking young people who you have no business teaching, in fact they could probably lecture you on a few things. In any case, you are a bit sick, but very entertaining, so I thank god for you.
But I will find out who you are.
12:13 August 22nd 2009 The Forksian Stalker's reply:
Trying is within your rights, spankme_bob, but I assure you my identity is the only secret I'm keeping, so I keep it well. You are welcome to try. However I will give you a little clue. I would not be caught dead waving a dildo around in class. Especially not for a living. I have standards. (But I have no problems adjusting them for the man meat. I'm weak like that.) And yeah, I prefer peen over poon, but that doesn't automatically make me a girl, now, does it? ;)
the forkstalker
Twitter Home:
(clue: In chronological order, start reading from the top, unlike in Twitter. The name in the front is who wrote the tweet. The one after the @ is who that person replies to. So The forkstalker @lalalady means the forkstalker replies to something lalalady tweeted)
the forkstalker Final Friday night out before school. Keep your cells ready to hear the skinny on where my ppl @
about 14 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Paging all Soho house female members. Spotted: Tyler, Ed and Em getting out of a town car @ Soho house.
about 14 hours ago via seesmic
bubblesexy @the forkstalker on my way, was there any girrl action going on?
about 14 hours ago via web
the forkstalker @bubblesexy no as far as I know its guys' night out. But pull out your Agent Provocateur push up just in case.
about 14 hours ago via seesmic
giddyginny @the forkstalker I've just seen Jasper getting out of the pool. He's here too. Looks yummy
about 13 hours ago via Tweetie
the forkstalker @giddyginny I'd kill for the view. Caring is sharing, G, give us proof, get your cam out!
about 13 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Males leaving the Soho house. Jas tanked already. I think over the summer he said something about never drinking again, go figure
about 13 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker TANYA seen entering Waldorf w/ Dorian from Analchy. She had sunglasses on, and gave off rockstar vibe
about 13 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Get your dancing shoes on ladies Boys arriving @ 1 Oak. Rose seen @ Kanoyama w/ unidentified hottie. Thnx @lollypoppa
about 13 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Im catching some smoookes outside and if u r sitting @ home not doing nothing u can read update.
about 10 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Im drunk so I take nooo serponsibility. Miss america was here w/ other celebs n she liked eddie taking her home
about 10 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Lauren went to bathroom w/ Jas for more than 15 min I wonder what happened
about 10 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker mike dirty dancin = EPIC WIN!
about 10 hours ago via seesmic
the forkstalker I need to get back inside gals, rememr to take tequila from body shot. Luv ja yo
about 10 hours ago via seesmic
giddyginny @the forkstalker Drunken Forksianstalker = EPIC WIN!
about 9 hours ago via web
the forkstalker Crazy night, huh? I'm embarrassed by my ramblings but I can't take them back. Or wont. Whatevs.
about 4 hours ago via web
the forkstalker Anyways, recap, Eddie went home @ bout 4 w/ with beauty queen w/ Em, Mike and other floozy gals in tow
about 4 hours ago via web
the forkstalker Rose got in taxi with unidentified stranger and had a really good time if I know anything about her
about 4 hours ago via web
the forkstalker Now I'll go and have some yummy bellini, going for the hair of the dog that bit me treatment here
about 4 hours ago via web
the forkstalker The ladies who brunch: Rose, B, Lauren, Jess were spotted @ Oak Room. Sat brunch instead of Sunday. Why?about 3 hrs ago via web
hobelina @the forkstalker Rose was late from brunch, she seems pissed.
about 3 hours ago via TweetDeck
the forkstalker @hobelina A lousy lay will do that.
about 3 hours ago via web
the forkstalker The Company seen entering Chanel on 5th.
about 3 hours ago via web
the forkstalker B seen getting out of town car in front of her home w/ lots of shopping bags. She seems contemplative
about 1 hour ago via seesmic
hobelina @the forkstalker Rose's dress it was so pretty. They passed around some cell and they were looking at it, maybe pics?
about half an hour ago via Tweetdeck
the forkstalker retweet: hobelina @the forkstalker Rose's dress it was so pretty. They passed around some cell and they were looking at it
about 23 minutes ago via seesmic
the forkstalker @hobelina I wonder what it was. I have it on authority that Bella likes to make videos to keep a certain person entertained
about 22 minutes ago via seesmic
kissntella @the forkstalker Just seen Eric enter Vic's house. You didn't say in ur update what the minions did in the summer
about 14 minutes ago via UberTwitter
the forkstalker @kissntella I wasn't aware people were interested. U always drill me on stuff about the Company. Ur wish is my command ;)
about 13 minutes ago via seesmic
the forkstalker Lauren and Rosalie seen @ liquilterra, having smoothies and sharing a laugh. Up to no good. Keep an eye out bitches ;)
about 11 minutes ago via seesmic
the forkstalker What's up with the yellow blazers? Every 2np person is wearing it. It's sad. Is it Tweety revival or something? Que horrible!
about 6 minutes ago seesmic
the forkstalker I'll update soon ladies, in the mean time, keep those tweets coming. You know you wanna.
about 5 seconds ago via seesmic
A/N: Does buying gossip rags make you a stalker? I kinda think it does.
If someone has a really racy n fun question to the Forkstalker, it will totally make it into the next blog update. With an answer ;)
