Hey you, it's chapter two! Please let me know what you think and of course, enjoy! :)
Edit: I've been asked to put up warnings before chapters that discuss Tara's sexual assault, so WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT DISCUSSED. Hope that's helpful :)
Chapter 2 – Memories
"His bloodshot eyes, quiet keening, Templar armor, hand pressed over your mouth to stop the scr—"
"Cole," she interrupted. "Please." The word begged his silence, his understanding. Her mind was already torturing her with the images, she didn't need them described aloud as well.
They were perched on a section of the battlements, having finally finished moving everyone and everything into the keep. Cole had been making everyone but Tara forget he was helping; she told him that was okay for now. She knew there would be an argument with Vivienne later, once he began revealing himself. The mage didn't know he'd followed them to Skyhold, and Tara was certain she'd be as disapproving now as she was when they first encountered him.
But Tara would not refuse his help or companionship if it was being freely offered, and he'd given her no reasons not to trust him. In fact, she rather liked him; he reminded her of herself – always straddling two worlds, never sure what he was or where he belonged, but still trying to help people. If only she'd known him then…
"You relive it… Why?" he asked, meeting her with those depthless eyes of his, staring down inside her in a way that made her shiver. He appeared almost like an average adolescent boy in an oversized hat, except for the haunting glaze to his irises.
Tara looked at him sadly. "I… It…" She didn't know how to explain it to him, why it haunted her, why her pain was so prevalent again. It had been years. She'd already been through the screwed up part, the haunted part, the part where she couldn't be touched and she barely spoke and she spent hours lying on the chantry floor praying for the Maker to let her speak to her mother again. That was supposed to be over now; she'd chosen a new life, chosen to move past the darkness and live again. But then the Commander made her remember him.
"Golden hair, solemn, shield angled downward, the word catches in your throat as he turns, Templar… Cullen? You're afraid of Cullen?" Cole pulled the images out of her mind easily, hardly even knowing he was doing it.
Tara thought that was probably the easiest way for them to communicate anyway, since she could no more describe her feelings to him than he could understand her words. Perhaps the feelings themselves were clearer if he experienced them himself.
She focused on the last week, when the Commander pulled her onto his horse, mentally pushing the image towards Cole.
"The smell of horseflesh and boot polish. How does he always stay so clean? Foot almost catches when you swing it over, his hand wrapped around your forearm. Suddenly, too close, legs wrapped around him pressed against, and his earthy, metallic scent is almost overpowering. Usually it reminds you of home, but now, too much, too much. Can't breathe. He's in your head again. The pain from before and… I understand now," Cole said. "He reminds you of the Templar who hurt you."
"Sometimes," she sighed, rolling her neck tiredly. "But I don't want him to. I know that he's different. Better."
"How do you know?"
She looked at him curiously. Was he testing her? "He has sincere eyes."
Cole nodded as if that explained everything.
"And he feeds stray dogs."
"Hollith never fed stray dogs," Cole agreed, having plucked the name out of her mind along with the memory of her attacker. It made her pointed ears twitch nervously to hear it again. "I could make you forget him. Then you wouldn't be afraid of Cullen and it wouldn't hurt you."
The offer was tempting, Tara had to admit. To have her demons erased… to be free to be happy again… Maker was that really the offer a spirit of compassion would make her? Because it was far more torture than compassion, knowing she could never accept such an offer.
"Ah, no, this is my burden, and it's important for me to…"
She stopped when she heard the booted footfalls climbing the stairs behind them.
"Herald," Cassandra said, rounding the corner with an eager intensity on her face.
Here it comes, Tara thought, preparing herself. She'd had a feeling for a while that they were planning to make her leadership more official. And, while it was not in her power to refuse, she'd been hoping for more time.
"We need you for a... important meeting." The dark haired Seeker smiled mischievously, turning around and motioning for Tara to follow.
Maker, she's a terrible liar.
Tara shot a look at Cole, knowing full well that he hadn't let Cassandra see him. He shrugged, getting up to follow her down the steps, feet soundless on the stone.
When Tara got to the bottom, he'd disappeared.
"Inquisitor," Cullen said, nodding in greeting without looking up from his paperwork. He hadn't really looked at her since their little ceremony, naming her Inquisitor. She didn't know why that bothered her.
"Commander."
Tara set her back against the door, crossing her arms casually. She was content to wait for his attention.
After several long minutes, he laid down the report he'd been writing and fixed his warm eyes on her. "Is there something I can do for you?" he seemed slightly bemused by her presence, the corner of his mouth quirking.
Since her conversation with Cole, she'd come to the conclusion that it was unacceptable that she was still being plagued by Hollith's betrayal. How was she supposed to save all of Thedas from a darkspawn, magister hybrid, if she couldn't ride on a horse with a man (who she actually respected and maybe even trusted) without getting the willies?
By facing your fears, she answered herself, meeting the Commander's golden eyes with care and purpose. "Yes." The tone she began with was fairly light-hearted, but she worried he could sense the tension behind it. The last thing she needed was for him to realize why she stiffened when he came near; no good could come of that discovery. "Varric has requested that I tell you to 'stop working so sodding hard, and come have a round with him.'"
He raised an inquiring eyebrow, smirk sliding into place. "Oh? I wasn't aware you'd taken on the role of Varric's messenger."
Her face flushed. "Well, I…" she began, embarrassed that she'd come there with such a shoddy reason. "I thought I'd join you," she offered, trying to stifle the blush that was quickly spreading to her neck.
Nice save, imbecile. She hadn't had any intention of joining them. She was trying to ease into this, whatever she intended this to be, not give herself an incredibly uncomfortable afternoon and a bout of nightmares.
"Now that is tempting," he murmured, smiling almost to himself, realizing too late what he'd said.
It was his turn to blush.
"Why, Commander, I didn't know you were such a shameless flirt," she teased.
He smirked at her abashedly, an embarrassed chuckle forcing its way out. "I assure you—"
"Commander!" One of his soldiers interrupted, barging through the left side door, slamming it into the far wall.
"Yes?" Cullen looked slightly annoyed at being cut off, although that fell away quickly when he saw the urgency on the other man's face.
"There's a situation in the courtyard." Cullen was immediately on his feet. "And we can't find the Inquis—"
"Present," Tara piped up.
The soldier jumped, turning towards her. "The, er, spirit that brought the Grand Chancellor—"
"Ah," she nodded, "I was wondering when we'd have this fight." A tired sigh escaped her lips, as she turned to open the door she'd been leaning on. "No rest for the wicked," she mumbled, stepping out into the dank afternoon air.
Hearing the Commander's footfalls rounding his desk to follow her made her body tense. He still moved like a Templar, purposefully, quietly. His stride commanded attention and respect, but was vastly different from the brash march of a soldier or the confident lilt of a noble. They held their power in a different place.
Hollith had the same air about him, the same step, and it unnerved her hearing it again approaching from behind.
"No need to accompany me, Commander," she said too quickly, whipping back around to face him.
He's not here. He's not here. He's not here, she told herself, urging her heart to calm. Look at his eyes.
Her body slowly responded to the order, sliding up from the chest plate of Cullen's armor to the warm amber of his eyes, thinly lined in confusion and concern.
Sincere, she concluded, for the umpteenth time, more a reminder than anything that he was a very different man from the one who hurt her.
"I…" She recognized his uncertainty, though his voice quickly grew confident. "It is no trouble, Inquisitor." He waved off what he'd seen as she stared back at him, the fear she was certain he'd caught, and led the way from his office.
