keem: OMGupdate. Sonic zooms faster toward calamity when he asks for advice from Robotnik, Gamma, and Shadow, of all people. Amazing.
--
"Sonic! My hated rival! What are you doing here, trying to thwart my evil plans before lunch?" The former evil dictator asked with a sneer. "In which case, you're a little late! I've already had lunch." He stuck out his tongue in triumph.
"Yeah well, maybe next time," Sonic said lamely, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "No, egghead, I'm not here to jump-kick you in the head, although no doubt you could surely use a beating."
"Whatever, Sonic," Dr. Robotnik said, turning away with a huff. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you make fun of me."
"Somebody's touchy today," the blue hero muttered under his breath. If it were any other circumstance, he would have resumed his ceaseless taunting, but Robotnik was a new man, recently released from prison and now an upstanding member of society. This called for a little respect, especially since Sonic was in dire need of a second… er, third, opinion. "Listen, I'm sorry, okay?"
"You... are?" the genius asked with a mild sniffle. "You don't know how long I've waited to hear that, Sonic!" The cobalt hedgehog stiffened as the overweight human lumbered forward, arms outstretched as though to pull him into a sweaty embrace. Before they made contact, however, Robotnik seemed to come to his senses and narrowed his eyes suspiciously, arms falling to his sides. "Wait... what're you up to?"
"Nothing!" Sonic said, feigning innocence. Robotnik did not look remotely convinced.
"I don't believe you..."
"Well... uh, listen Doc," the hedgehog said and looked down at his high-tops, suddenly shy. "See, I have this problem and..."
"Oh NO," Dr. Robotnik said immediately, shaking his head in a fury. "Absolutely no favors - those days are BEHIND me. I'm sick of getting my machines broken and my genius made fool of by a moron. The government already made it QUITE clear that they'd blow my workshop up if they even caught a whiff of trouble coming from my way! No.. no, I don't do that anymore; I'm going to show the world how brilliant I am. I'm going to show them things they've never seen!"
Sonic was unimpressed. "You do know that very few people are going to buy a Robotnik brand blender, right? For fear that it will blend their children in their sleep."
The doctor recoiled away from the shorter animal as if he had been physically struck. "Honestly!" he said, folding his arms across his chest. "No one appreciates what I offer to society, no one!"
"Awww, c'mon Robotnik..." Sonic said, well aware that he was fighting a losing battle. "I appreciate you! Really!" He pulled out his trump card. "That's why I need your help! .. Because I... trust... your intuition."
"Fine!" The doctor said, relenting slightly. "I'll help you, if it will get you to leave me alone to work in peace! What do you need?"
"Well… see... I need to impress this girl and..."
"... ah. Girl trouble then, eh? Okay Sonic, I'll let you in on a few of my secret moves." He gave a pelvic thrust for epenthesis, and the hedgehog tried to resist the urge to vomit.
"Uh... try to make it quick, okay? I'm scheduled to meet her in Twinkle Park in a few hours."
"Don't worry, this wont take very long," Robotnik assured. "It's really quite brainless, actually."
"Oh?"
"I'm confident that even a primitive, feral animal such as you could properly execute this."
"Hey!"
"Do you want my advice or not?" Sonic nodded reluctantly. "Alright then. Women... they want power. They want to know that you, their protector, can give them the things they want. Thus, you need to impress her with how much you have... throw money around, or, preferably, conquer a small country and make it into a sovereign state."
Sonic didn't seem quite convinced. "You're... absolutely sure, then?"
"Sonic, my boy," the doctor clapped his hand on the smaller hedgehog's shoulder. "Trust me; you'll thank me when this is over."
--
"Gamma... how would you impress a girl?"
The smoldering rubble that had served as the shell for Gamma's intelligent life-form offered no reply.
--
"Shadow… Shadow, are you in there?"
"No," came the malevolent hedgehog's voice, eyes flashing crimson in the darkness. "Don't come any closer, faker. Do you remember what happened the last time we met?"
The threat rolled off of Sonic easily enough, who felt relatively at ease in a place where Shadow was securely behind bars and being monitored by guards trained with tranquilizers at all times. Shadow had been previously admitted a few months ago, half a year after the whole Sonic Heroes fiasco. According to the asylum nurses, he had been enduring shock treatment rather frequently for his unquenchable bloodlust.
"Yeah, I remember," Sonic said, smirking faintly at the memory. "You pulled a gun on me, and I slapped you around like the bitch you are."
There was a flicker of movement in the dark corner, and Shadow stalked forward, eyes blazing. One hand grabbed the bars that separated him from his rival, the other hand trying vainly to reach through them and throttle him. Sonic easily evaded his swipes, cackling gleefully.
"Oh come on now," Sonic said, waving him off. "There will be plenty of time for killing me later." His amusement dwindled, remembering his purpose for the visitation. "The truth is, Shadow, I'm here because I need your help..."
"Help?" the malcontent hedgehog asked in disgust. "And why should I help YOU--"
"Well, I suppose you don't have to, I suppose" Sonic said nonchalantly, shrugging. "I just thought you might want to help out a fellow 'hog in trouble. Besides…" his eyes flicked back and forth, a little deviously. "I'm sure that's what Maria would have wanted."
The change in Shadow was immediately apparent. "MARIA..." maimkilldestroyfightslaughterforcerapedeathREVENGE..
Sonic tried to ignore the murderous aura the other hedgehog was pulsing with. "So, uh, you'll help me, then?"
Shadow blinked and turned towards Sonic, as if noticing him for the first time. "Sure," he said, rather conversationally. "What do you need?"
"Well… see, I have this date with Amy tonight and I could, really, really use some advice."
"Oh, that's easy," the darker hedgehog sneered. "Just take her out to dinner; I would suggest possibly serenading her with a song.."
"A song?" Sonic asked, quirking an eyebrow. "That sounds like a pretty good idea, actually. What kind of song?"
"Why, a love ballad, of course," Shadow said smoothly. "Can I make a suggestion?"
"Absolutely." Shadow waved the blue hero closer, and he obliged, leaning in so that the prisoner could speak directly into his ear. Much whispering ensued, and Sonic frowned deeply when Shadow finished.
"Really?" he asked, a little incredulous. "That doesn't really sound like a song that would qualify as a romantic hit after dinner."
"You wanted my help, didn't you?" Shadow scowled at Sonic. The other hedgehog immediately nodded apprehensively, afraid to offend his homicidal companion while within such close proximity.
"Well… yes, but… are you sure?"
"Sonic," Shadow said slowly, as if speaking to a very small, idiotic child. "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
