Oh goody, a flame and a couple of reviews. Here's the next bit.

'What the fuck are we doing here?' Elrohir asked nobody in particular.

The quest to find Gandalf had gone very smoothly until the company had come upon the obstacle of the staircase.

Elrond had been the first to shriek and fall, grabbing wildly at Arwen as he did, who in turn screamed and grabbed onto one of the twins. Within the comfortable space of three seconds, they were all tumbling down in a howling mass, resulting in a bruised collection of bodies piled at the bottom of the stairs. They had remained there laughing for twenty minutes, until Elrohir posed the critical question.

'Uhhh …' his twin considered intelligently.

'I am so hungry,' Frodo interrupted Elladan's train of thought.

'Ai Elbereth yes, I need food,' Arwen groaned, struggling to free herself from the tangle of elves and hobbit.

A robed arm protruded from the centre of the hapless pile, and flailed around until it grasped onto something solid (a banister, as it turned out). Elrond hauled himself upright, ordering the others to do the same. 'Okay, onward to the kitchens,' the elf-lord commanded as soon as they were all standing. His eyes narrowed, and he strode forward with as much lordly purpose as he could muster. 'Must find Gandalf!'

'And food,' Arwen added, trailing behind him with the others.

'Yeah, that too.'

At length the company of Elves and hobbit arrived at the kitchens of the Last Homely House, in a chorus of splendidly tuneless song.

'The road goes ever on and on …' Frodo, the instigator, went on after the others had silenced.

'Shh,' Elladan whispered. 'I hear something.'

Frodo paused and listened. Unusual sounds, like muffled crashes and shouts, could be heard even through the heavy wooden doors that were the entrance to the main kitchen. Suddenly, the loud, unmistakable voice of Gandalf boomed, 'BACK, spawn of darkness! You have met your DOOM!'

Elrohir, who could barely smoke Old Toby without getting paranoid, screeched and leaped onto Elladan's back. 'Oh shit, it's Sauron, Sauron's here, quick somebody HIDE THAT FUCKING RING!!!'

Arwen scowled and smacked her hysterical sibling on the back of the head, causing the elder twin to stumble and curse. Reaching down to pry the now-petrified Frodo off of her leg, she spoke words of comfort to the hobbit. 'Don't listen to him, dear. Sauron's in Mordor, remember? He can't hurt you.'

'Yeah, but he's going to Mordor soon anyway,' Elladan pointed out neutrally, apparently undisturbed by the fact that his twin was clinging to his back like a starfish.

The Evenstar sighed forcefully in exasperation. 'Will you just die!' she shouted. 'Oh, no, not you, Frodo,' she hastened to reassure the small creature, who had let out a terrified squeak, and retreated beneath her skirts. 'Frodo, please come out …' Arwen sighed, looking down at the hobbit-shaped lump protruding from the side of her gown.

'Will you all stop arseing about, we've got to stop Gandalf before he destroys my house!' Elrond barked, snapping his children out of their argument. He marched to the kitchen doors, kicked them open, and looked back expectantly. 'Come on.'

'Fuck that, Sauron's in there and we don't even have swords!' Elrohir objected shrilly.

'He is not, Gandalf's hallucinating again, you dork!' Elladan rolled his eyes. Ignoring Elrohir's fear, he moved to join their father, followed by Arwen who was only slightly hampered by the skirt-covered Frodo being firmly wrapped around her with aid of both arms and legs.

They had barely advanced two steps into the kitchen before they caught sight of their prey, who was directly in the middle of what could only be described as a rampage.

'What the – DUCK!!' Elrond bellowed.

The company dropped to the floor just in time to escape a lightening flash of blue fire that shot over their heads and ignited the wall behind them.

'GANDALF!' shrieked Frodo, as the Elves madly scurried for cover behind a long bench next to the right-hand door. Arwen crashed headlong onto the floor behind the table, the impact jarring Frodo from her leg, only for him to become lodged further up her gown. Everyone but the imprisoned hobbit helped to flip the heavy bench sideways, forming a protective barrier between themselves and the raging Gandalf.

'You fool me NOT, beasts of shadow!!' the wizard roared, raising his staff again. 'I see your ruined forms, and I tell you now, I shall not be overcome by mere orcs!!!'

'Grrrnnnfff!' came the distraught hobbit's cry, muffled by Arwen's bodice.

'Don't you realize who you're dealing with?!' Gandalf ranted on. 'I am a Maia, you pitiful creatures, and what is more I AM A BAD MAN!!' More furious jets of flame poured from the wizard's staff with each pronouncement, setting various parts of the room ablaze. 'Emissary of the Valar, Councillor of the Wise, Possessor of the Kindler! PERISH before the power of the Grey!!!!!'

It was at around this point that Frodo realized he had other problems besides that of an Istar run amok. He was rapidly running out of air. Twisting frantically within his confines, he sought desperately for escape, ripping the stitching of Arwen's fine garment and stretching the cloth as he did so, not hearing the elf-lady's alarmed protests. He finally managed to get free thanks to the mercifully low neckline of her gown.

'Gandalf!' the hobbit howled, gasping for air as he erupted through the silky fabric, smacking Arwen in the chin as he did so.

'Elbereth!' the disgruntled and very stoned maiden thought nothing of picking Frodo out of her cleavage and hurling him to the floor.

'Ow … Gandalf…' the Ring-bearer moaned weakly, twitching and holding his bruised skull.

'Frodo?!' a frantic voice called from the opposite end of the kitchen.

'Frodo!' another yelled.

'Merry? Pippin?' With this and his recent concussion, Frodo was stupefied.

Elrond, meanwhile, had heard enough of his friend's hysterics. 'Gandalf, you DUMB FUCK!! You're in Imladris, you're completely fucking wasted and Eru only knows what weird shit you think you're seeing but it's NOT REAL!!!' he bellowed.

'What are you two doing down here?' Frodo yelled at his unseen cousins.

'Elrond?' Gandalf stopped on his path of destruction abruptly and looked around in confusion.

'We were hungry and came down for a snack!' Pippin's voice came back in reply.

'But Gandalf was here first and now he's trying to kill us! No big deal, really!' Merry added.

'Oh!' Frodo shouted back.

'Elrond, I cannot see you,' Gandalf called out hesitantly.

'I'm hiding because I don't want you to kill me,' Elrond explained matter-of-factly, using the direct sort of tone he only reserved for the extremely stoned. 'I have a family to look after, plus this whole lord of the valley gig really takes up a lot of my time, what with trying to keep free trade going between here and Mirkwood – you know what a stingey bitch Thranduil can be. And don't get me started on Galadriel, that elf gets on my last nerve –'

'Shut up!' Gandalf said suddenly. He dropped his staff and put both hands on his head. 'By the stars, I have one Balrog of a headache!'

'Does this mean that we, your friends, can emerge from hiding without fear for our lives?' Elrond inquired earnestly, taking care to clearly enunciate the words.

'No!' Gandalf snapped, quickly stooping to pick up his staff again. 'If you truly are Elrond Earendil's son you will know how to prove yourself!'

'Well, that would figure,' the elf lord conceded with admirable patience, thinking that now would really be a good time for another hit.

Gandalf considered a moment, still clutching his staff defensively. 'If you are Elrond,' he said at last, 'speak of what you confided to me on New Year's eve four and fifty years past!'

Elrond paled. 'You've got to be joking.'

'You will speak!' Gandalf commanded.

'But – but I can't! Not here!' Elrond refused vehemently. 'Not in front of my Eru-damned kids!'

'You've got a secret, Father?' Elladan's interest was piqued as he studied the ashen face of his parent. 'Come on, you can tell us.'

'He'd better tell, or I'll burn this entire room to the ground,' Gandalf threatened.

'It appears that you don't have a choice,' Elrohir observed with a faint grin.

'No. Fucking. Way.' Their father bit out, glaring at his twin sons. Both parties knew that the brothers had an ulterior motive besides that of Rivendell's continued existence, being that both were entirely unable to resist a good piece of gossip.

'You've got three seconds,' Gandalf said airily, raising his staff for effect.

'Hang on, I wonder if he'll actually do it?' Frodo thought out loud, the lust of the stoner for a potential adrenalin rush written clearly on his face.

'No!' the more experienced Elrohir reprimanded him tightly, getting paranoid again when he remembered all the times he'd been burnt by curiosity.

'Two!'

'Could we hurry this up, please, I'd still like to get a snack! And live!' Merry shouted nervously.

'Gandalf, you son of a fucking Orc, when I get you straight I'm going to RIP OUT YOUR IMMORTAL INTESTINES AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM!!!!' Elrond roared in a fury that made the table tremble.

'Tell it to the Council! Two-and-a-half!'

'Just tell us, Father!'

'Dad, you've got to!'

'Please, Lord Elrond!'

'Yeah, this can't be more important than our lives!'

'One! Time's up!' Gandalf announced, white-hot fire building on the tip of his staff.

 'Gandalf, NOOOOO!!!' Frodo cried, as the intense flame grew to eyebrow-singeing proportions.

'WAIT!!'

There was silence. Then, finally, a disheartened sigh was heard.

'Alright.'

Ok, do your review/flame thing. Jesus, did you guys know that they actually SEND reviews to your email? That's so sad, I'll bet there are some people out there who get so goddamn excited when they see that happy little FanFiction Review Alert! message in their Inbox. It's actually quite funny! It's an Alert! Heh. Is this like a battle situation? Review alert status, authorisation Picard alpha-nine-red? Ah, the amusment of the stoner.