Author's Note: Reviews sustain my matrix
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy, and all of its respective trademark property, is owned by Square Enix. I don't own a thing.
"Serah, I'm home!"
As soon as she heard the words, Serah felt herself become queasy. To call it getting butterflies would have been a gross understatement – she felt like she'd just been punched in the gut. She tried to steady her breathing as her heart-rate skyrocketed. She was beginning to lose the feeling in her extremities and to top it all off, she was trembling. At least she wasn't perspiring; otherwise it might have looked like she was coming down with the flu.
She heard Lightning come in and sit down on the sofa in the living room. In what could only be described as a tectonic effort of will, Serah eventually managed to rise to her feet. She almost had to will her feet into motion, so strong was her desire to stay put and avoid this but she knew she had to do it. It was utterly terrifying. Eventually she made her way into the lounge and sat down. This time she decided to take up a slightly more diplomatic position on the chair adjacent to the sofa as opposed to sitting next to her sister like she customarily did. Taking a deep breath to try and steady her nerves, she could scarcely bring herself to make eye contact with Lightning which, of course, merely tipped her hand.
"Are you okay Serah? You look pale" Lightning observed.
Upon hearing her sister's utterance, Serah immediately felt an urge to just start babbling everything at once, to let pour all of the emotions and thoughts that had been welling up inside of her for so long. As quickly as the urge came, it disappeared. Serah knew that if she started out like that, she'd probably scare Lightning off. Either that or cause her to just go up into her room until she'd managed to calm herself down and hold a rational conversation. Clasping her hands together in her lap, she took in a deep breath. She wasn't really sure how to even begin broaching the topic so she just decided to answer her sister's question.
"No, Lightning. I'm not. I haven't been for a long time."
Now it was Lightning's turn to grow concerned. Her sister's well-being was paramount above everything else in her mind so to hear that she wasn't doing well was a cause for concern and a grave one at that when she took into account that this had been going on for a while. She leaned forward on the sofa as a concerned expression began to emerge on her face.
"What's wrong? Are you ill?" she asked, worry evident in her voice.
"Sick in the head, maybe" Serah answered cynically. That came out more bluntly than she'd intended but it was actually quite a succinct description for how she was feeling. After all, since her bout of self-indulgence on Lightning's bed, it was a thought that had been repeating in her head over and over again. Lightning, meanwhile, had furrowed her brow in confusion as she failed to grasp the significance behind her sister's words.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, the desire for clarification clear as day.
"I….oh, where do I even start?" Serah pondered out loud as she brought a hand up to rub the bridge of her nose. Maybe if she did like she did in the kitchen and started outlining things from the beginning, that would help. "Do you remember shortly after I moved back when you came home from that Behemoth attack?"
"Serah, I told you I'd put in for a desk job" Lightning said in an exasperated tone of voice before leaning back on the sofa. She thought this was a conversation about her job and she wasn't especially keen on having it. She'd already compromised on that and there was a timetable in place so she couldn't fathom what the problem was.
"No, that's…..that's not where I'm going with this" Serah tried to clarify. Were it was so simple. "Lightning, the last few months I've been growing…...distant from Snow" she confessed. That was an admission of truth and no minor one. He'd been absolutely fantastic to her and she couldn't help but feel horrible about it. Through no fault of his own the man had found himself becoming separated from the woman he loved because of her perverse thoughts and desires. It wasn't fair on him by any stretch of the imagination. And the wonderful, sweet man had only tried to help her through it and to be there for her whenever she felt like opening up to him.
"Well, I've always said he was an oaf" Lightning deadpanned. She'd never hidden her feelings about Snow. While she couldn't deny that he was a good man who treated her sister right, there was still something about him that bugged her. She just never did like him much.
"No, Snow's been great and that's the problem. No, he's not the problem, I am" Serah said.
"Serah, you haven't been making much sense since I got in. What's going on?" Lightning asked as she tried to cut through to the heart of the matter. Serah did her best to try and breathe normally in an attempt to steady herself but it wasn't working too well. Taking another deep breathe, she slowly brought her head up to try and look her sister in the eyes. Those big, beautiful, gorgeous eyes.
"Lightning, I've….I've fallen in love with somebody else" she finally managed to get out. As soon as she managed to get the words out, Serah felt the fear in her gut intensify. If Lightning had any inclination of what she'd been feeling recently then she'd know exactly what she meant. But in her usual steadfast manner, Lightning simply nodded her head slowly before responding.
"Does Snow know about this?" she asked simply.
"God, no. And that's part of it. I mean, he has no idea and I just feel so guilty about it. He just holds me and tells me he loves me and says that he'll be there for me no matter what and I just hate myself for it because I could never bring myself to hurt him for something he's not responsible for" Serah said rapidly. She was starting to outpour now. Lightning, on the other hand, was still as composed as ever. She was the rock that Serah could never be and it was just another one of her qualities that Serah found endearing.
"I see" she said simply. Then there was a pause as she stopped to consider her response. There was a part of Serah that wished the floor would just open up and swallow her for fear of how she'd respond. She just wrung her hands in her lap as she waited for her to answer. "How long have you felt this way?"
"A long time. It's just…Lightning, I feel so horrible" she admitted.
"I can see why" Lightning said as she tried to empathize with her sister. "Serah, you know I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to these kinds of things." That was putting things lightly. To the best of Serah's knowledge, Lightning had never brought a man home. Or if she had, she'd done it with expert secrecy. Maybe there'd been somebody at the GC base but if there was she hadn't breathed a word about it. Not that it was any of her business, of course. Then Serah felt another wave of nausea wash over her as she realized something. She'd never taken into consideration whether or not Lightning might be in a relationship of her own which meant that if she was and Serah was telling her all of this now, then she'd be wrecking another relationship. Yet another person whose happiness might be destroyed because of her deviant inclinations.
"I feel like I'm gonna throw up" Serah said openly.
"If it's affecting you that badly then you need to tell him" Lightning said as she tried to advise her sister.
"You have no idea. Mrs. Sanders even said how rough I've been looking the last couple of weeks" Serah said off-handedly.
"Look, Serah, I'm not trying to sound uncaring. But if this is causing you that much upset then I don't see why you don't just break up with Snow and tell this guy how you feel." This was one of the milestones in the conversation that Serah had not been looking forward to by any stretch of the imagination. The fact was that she would have liked nothing more than to simply let her sister's comment pass by but she couldn't. Years from now when she looked back on this day and thought about how things transpired, the fact is that she might very well hate herself for not being honest with Lightning. So for the sake of her future sanity, she had to press on.
"Lightning, it's…..it's not…." She began as she tried to explain. This was harder than she expected. Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat, Serah steeled herself as she said the next words. "It's not a guy." She then glanced in her sister's direction. Lightning's eyes had gone wide and her mouth had contorted into an o shape. There was a sense of disbelief hanging in the air. Serah then went back to looking at the floor as she wrapped her arms around herself. She wasn't sure how much time passed but it seemed like eternity in her mind as she waited for Lightning to say something.
"Serah…." Lightning began carefully. "Are you trying to tell me that you're gay?" Lightning was incredulous. She'd had absolutely no idea. Serah had never uttered so much as an opinion on the topic before. How long had she been harbouring these feelings for? Lightning felt like kicking herself. How could she not have noticed? It was her job to look out for Serah, to keep her safe. Something of this magnitude that was troubling her so much, she should have noticed.
"Yes. No. Hell, I don't know" Serah said as she let her confusion out. She then leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. This was utterly mortifying. The worst part was that she hadn't even gotten to the worst of it yet. She could feel tears beginning to prick at the edges of her eyes. 'Not now' she thought to herself. 'For the love of god, not now.'
"Serah" Lightning said in a firm tone of voice. Serah wanted to look over to her sister but she couldn't. She couldn't articulate why but she just couldn't. She then heard the sound of Lightning getting up from the sofa. Raising her head up just a little, she could see Lightning enter the periphery of her vision. She'd gotten up and was currently stooped down on one knee next to the chair. Lightning then reached out and took Serah's hand in hers, stroking the back of it with her thumb in a reassuring gesture as she spoke.
"Serah, I don't care if you're gay or straight. You're my sister and I love you. That will never change. I swear it" Lightning said with conviction clear in her tone. Serah then managed to look her sister in the eyes. She saw the fierce determination behind them and heard the utter seriousness with which she spoke. She really didn't care. Serah swallowed again. She didn't know how much long she'd be able to keep going for.
"You don't know, Claire. You don't know-"
"Serah, you are the most important thing to me in the whole world and the absolute last thing I want is for you to think that I'd ever abandon you or walk away. I'd die before that happened." When she heard her sister say those words, Serah couldn't hold back anymore. She threw her arms around Lightning and buried her face into the crook of her neck as the well of emotions inside her finally overflowed. She started bawling her eyes out. Lightning responded by wrapping her arms around her sister and stroking the back of her head.
"It's okay. It's okay" she whispered over and over again.
"No. No Claire, it's not" Serah managed to get out as she scrunched up her eyes and held onto her sister tightly. Serah honestly didn't think she'd ever held onto her sister as tightly as she ever did in that moment. She was afraid that after today she'd never get to hold her again and that was a prospect more terrifying than death itself.
"Serah, I promise-" Lightning started before she was the one who was interrupted.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't understand!" Serah wailed as she pulled back from Lightning. Her eyes were red and puffy and her mascara was smeared down her cheeks. She looked like an absolute wreck. Lightning looked at her with concern and fear in her eyes. She'd never seen Serah like this before and it was scaring her. Serah got up from her seat and put her hands on either side of her head as she started to squeeze in a physical attempt to quell the emotional turmoil within. It was all too much. Months of anguish, of pain, of fear, of self-loathing and hatred, it was all coming to the surface now. "There's something wrong with me! There has to be!" she yelled out. "Normal people don't feel like this!"
"I don't care!" Lightning shouted as she got up and marched around to her sister's front before taking her by the shoulders. "You're my sister and I love you!" she repeated. "Nothing will ever change that!" It was at that precise moment that what little self-control Serah had left evaporated. When Lightning said those words, she felt such a self-destructive loathing of herself for her perverted nature that she found herself wanting to prove Lightning wrong. At the same time, she couldn't hold back her feelings any longer as she wanted to show exactly what it was that was bothering her. It was a culmination of so many thoughts and feelings that Serah was practically a walking hurricane.
With Lightning's hands on her shoulders, Serah released her head before placing both of her hands on Lightning cheeks. She then pulled as she brought Lightning closer to her and stepped forward to meet her. Then with the speed befitting her sister's moniker, Serah pressed her lips to Lightning's. It was only for a second before she felt herself being pushed away by the force of her sister's hands on her chest. When they separated, Serah looked at her with a gaze of pleading desperation.
"Do you see now?" She wailed. "Do you see what's wrong with me Claire!?"
"Serah, what the hell was that!?" Lightning asked with an incredulous look on her face. She brought the back of her hand up to wipe her lips off. When she'd said that she wasn't an expert when it came to these things, Lightning wasn't exaggerating. She thought that Serah's gesture was merely an expression of frustration and anger. That her own sister could be romantically attracted to her was a prospect that still hadn't clicked for her yet. Serah, meanwhile, was looking at her was an expression that was somewhere between revulsion and disbelief. If that wasn't enough to make her understand then she'd just have to spell it out in black and white. At this point the logical centres of her mind had all but disengaged and she was running on pure emotion.
"Don't you get it!? I love you Claire!" Serah yelled at her sister. Once she'd said the words, there was silence. Neither of them said a word as the implications of what Serah had just said hung in the air like an odour. Lightning then, very slowly, raised her foot up before placing it behind her and taking a delicate step back from her sister. The movement didn't go unnoticed. Serah could practically feel Lightning's revulsion washing over her.
"Are you trying to tell me-" Lightning began as she tried to get this all straight in her mind.
"Yes!" Serah shouted. Her sister then brought her hand up to her mouth before looking off to the side. This was something she hadn't expected. It wasn't even something she'd been able to contemplate in her wildest dreams. Serah was in love with…her. Now it was Lightning's turn to feel like she'd been punched in the gut. Her breathing became erratic as the implications of this whole episode finally began to sink in. 'So that's it' she thought to herself. She was becoming distant from Snow because she'd fallen in love with her. That was why she'd been looking so pale and why she'd been in such a state. As she tried to process all of this, Lightning attempted to breathe in and out through her nose. She did her best to control the pace but it wasn't working. Her guts still felt like they were being churned about. No matter how much she tried to control it, her body was acting up of its own accord. Then her eyes went wide as she realized exactly what it was that was being communicated to her brain.
Lightning dashed out of the room. Serah called out behind her but she didn't have time to hang about. Running up the stairs, she headed straight for the bathroom before sinking to her knees in front of the toilet. She somehow managed to pull her hair back and she began to throw up. Groaning as she lost the contents of her stomach, Lightning did her best to try and breathe in-between bouts of expulsion. As she painted the edges of the porcelain bowl with her insides, Serah followed upstairs and listened to the sounds of Lightning being sick. 'Yep, that sounds about right' she thought cynically as she stood in the entrance to the bathroom and watched the sight before her. It was ironic that the last time this had happened, it had served to help precipitate this entire situation. After a few minutes of convulsions, Lightning eventually managed to get her reflex under control. She sat there and breathed heavily before reaching out to push the handle and flush the contents away.
"Do you hate me?" Serah asked simply. Lightning refused to countenance the thought. She was suffering from sensory overload. This was too much. She'd come home from work as usual to find that her sister wanted to commit incest with her, of all things. Lightning thought she taste some more bile in the back of her throat when she pictured that image. She wasn't going to deal with this right now.
"Get out" she said to her sister.
"Claire-"
"Out!" she barked.
There was a small part of her deep down that knew she should have been more diplomatic with Serah considering the state that she was in but that was a very small part and Lightning, frankly, didn't want to lay eyes on her a moment longer. Serah turned around wordlessly and went down the hall into her room and closed the door behind her, making sure to lock it for good measure which was perfectly fine with Lightning. In a somewhat ironic moment of mirrored sentiment, Lightning felt dirty, like she needed a shower. Closing the door to the bathroom, she unceremoniously tugged off all of her clothes and threw them into a pile on the floor before walking into the shower and cranking it up as high as it would go.
'Oh my god' she kept thinking to herself over and over again as the hot water began to wash over her naked body. She'd had absolutely no idea. Serah had said that this had been going on for a long time and she didn't have the faintest clue. While it was undeniably true that she'd been busy with work and arranging transfers as well as paperwork, she still saw her sister at the end of the day, still talked to her about her life and how she was getting on. How could she not have seen this? Then Lightning reproached herself as she though that to not have seen it coming was a perfectly understandable occurrence. How many people's sisters suddenly turned around one day and said "I'm in love with you?" Lightning remembered everything her sister had told her about Snow before beginning to comprehend that she was the reason that they'd been drifting apart. That was something else to feel guilty about. Lightning didn't know how long she stayed in the shower for but she was pretty sure about one thing – she wouldn't be able to look Serah in the eye for a long time. Well, that and the fact that she'd lost her appetite for dinner.
Lightning turned off the water and stepped out of the shower before towelling herself off. She collected her clothes and headed off to her room before lying down on the bed. She sighed deeply and stared up at the ceiling. Lightning wasn't sure how long she stayed like that but she suspected that she wouldn't be getting a great deal of sleep that night. 'So what the hell do I do now?' she thought. That was the million dollar question. There was a part of her that wanted to barge into Serah's room and scream at her, to tell her to stay away from her, to call her a freak and to berate her for feeling such things. What worried Lightning was that she suspected she'd enjoy doing that quite a bit. Then there was another part of her that wanted to wrap her arm around her sister and console her. It couldn't have been easy to conceal for such a long time. Lightning suspected that if she'd been burdened by something like that, she'd probably want somebody to talk to who could sympathize and help her with what she was going through. Then there was the part of her that wanted to run away. That sounded pretty appealing. She didn't plan on abandoning Serah but some distance would probably be a good thing. She could stay on-base at the GC for a while to give them both time to figure things out.
While Lightning was trying to make plans and work through what was going on, Serah, or the other hand, was a wreck. She was lying on her bed in the foetal position and crying her eyes out. She'd ruined everything. She expected that Lightning wouldn't react well to her confession but she didn't think that she'd become physically ill. That had cut her deeper than any knife could possibly hope to. It was possible that Lightning could hear her wailing from down the hall but she was so far beyond caring that she didn't even try to censor her cries of anguish. Lightning was the most important person to her in the entire world – she was the only family she had left and now she'd completely alienated her to the point where she couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. That made Serah bawl even harder.
What would their parents have said if they'd survived to see this turn of events? They'd probably ship Serah off for psychiatric counselling and forbid her from ever being alone with her sister again. Somewhere deep down, Serah knew that was probably the right thing to do, the logical thing to do. However, Serah couldn't bear to be apart from Lightning. The very notion of her sister not being a part of her life was enough to make her feel ill. She wrapped her arms around herself and wept. She'd wrecked her relationship with Lightning and wrecked herself in the process. Why did she ever think that this was a good idea? Because it would hurt more if she didn't? Right now, Serah felt like it was physically, emotionally and psychologically impossible to feel worse than she did at that moment. She wanted to curl up even tighter and just die.
