1. Dye all of Emmett's clothes pink and when he throws a fit tell him you understand his discomfort because only real men wear pink.
2. Tell Edward that you had a vision that Jasper was going to go crazy and try to drink Bella dry, then when he tried to read your mind sing the ABC song I various languages and tell him it's best if he doesn't see this.
3. Once Edward begins to threaten Jasper, who will be utterly confused, kidnap Bella and force her to go shopping.
4. Beg Rose to allow you to get her a new wardrobe. SHE WILL RESIST! When you finally break her, remove all her clothes and replace them with long clothing, Amish looking. When she asks what the hell you were thinking tell her that you thought she looked like a blond bimbo so you were doing her a favor. Then proceed to run the fuck away when she tries to kill you.
5. Buy Jacob a pink, bedazzled dog collar for Christmas and when he gets angry and tries to tell you off tell him than you thought he might want to stand out in the pack so that everyone would know that he was important too, you know since he let Sam be pack leader and all.
6. Tell Charlie that you think Bella and Edward are getting too serious and that they might be at risk of having sex before they are married. After he flips out, ensure that he DOES NOT tell Bella. Once she is forbidden to see him for a while, tell her that if she goes shopping with you, you'll let her see Edward and tell Edward that if he buy's you a new Ferrari you will let him see Bella. (Note: Ensure you stand guard outside Bella's house so pervy Edward doesn't sneak into her room during this time)
7. One night when the rest of the family are away hunting dress in the sexiest lingerie you can find and seduce the civil right off of Jasper, once he is hard and rearing to go tell him you'll be back in a minute and leave. DO NOT GO TO HIM, LET HIM COME TO YOU. When he finds you and asks you where you were tell him you fell asleep.
8. Cling to Esme like a child, let her do everything for you and behave like a four year old; screaming, throw tantrums, sob uncontrollably for no reason and call her Mama. When she questions what you are doing tell her that you were just trying to make her experience what it was like to have a baby, seeing as how hers died. DO THE SAME TO ROSE.
9. Insist to go to work with Carlise and whenever he is nice to a female scream, "FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, YOU'RE MARRIED!"
10. Send Irena a special wedding invitation, in the envelope send her a picture of Edward and Bella and a note that says, "I may not be immortal but I managed to steal your man in less time than it took you to even get him to notice you." (This fight will be fun to watch at the wedding)
