"Why did you have to be so fucking selfish? Why did you have to leave me with all these fucking feelings? I hate you. I will never forgive you for leaving me here."
SEPTEMBER: [You would kill for this, just a little bit, just a little bit] – Straylight Run
Quinn has lost track of pretty much everyone in Glee club over the summer due to circumstances that she's trying to forget. (But that she doesn't think she'll ever be able to forget).
At the same time she's pushed everyone so far away that no one has tried to reconnect with her and she doesn't blame them. She's been such a bitch ever since the day she found out Santana died. The person who she has ignored the most (which makes her hate herself even more, if that's possible) is Brittany. Quinn doesn't even know how to look at Brittany without wanting to run into traffic. How can she look at the one person who really got to know Santana in a way that she would now never really get to find out for her self. Sweet, innocent Brittany who had no idea that Santana had been cheating on her. No, it's best that Quinn stay away permanently from Brittany. She knows Brittany doesn't understand the reasons that Quinn has been ignoring her but it's better that way. (For both of them, right?)
So, Rachel is the only person who she corresponds with regularly, even then, she keeps her at such a distance that she won't even let Rachel hug her or touch her hand. She practically recoils whenever Rachel gets that close so Rachel backs off, feeling a little more hurt every time. Quinn has a feeling that soon Rachel will disconnect from her as well. She thinks that it would be actually be in Rachel's best interest to do so and she's told her that more then once. (It's not like they were great friends in high school) in fact Quinn continually tormented Rachel through Freshman, Sophmore and Junior year. Quinn bites her lip as she glares at her reflection in the pool in her back yard. She thinks that if Rachel did desert her like everyone else does, it would make things a whole lot easier to think about starting over. But that's going to be hard to do that when they're living in the same city (Granted NY is massive but somehow Quinn thinks that Rachel will find always have a way of finding Quinn). She doesn't know how they both ended up in the same city (since Quinn had originally planned on going to Yale), but it did happen and in a few days they will be driving together towards the NYU campus.
Rachel doesn't start at NYADA for a few days but has decided to come earlier with Quinn. Quinn thinks it's to look out for her, and somehow Quinn's okay with that. Because she could see herself unraveling before Rachel got there. The wounds are still fresh from the beginning of summer and Quinn still doesn't exactly know how she is going to cope with everything.
Quinn blinks a few times and comes out of her daydream, realizing that her phone is ringing, the caller ID says that it's Rachel. Quinn doesn't have to look at who's calling anymore because Rachel is the only one that ever calls.
"Q." Rachel says on the other line. "Get your lazy ass out of the lawn chair and go finish packing. We're leaving in three days."
It's funny how much Rachel has changed over the summer, not quite as over bearing as she was in previous years, maybe a little more jaded and never would she have ever told the ex head Cheerleader what to do.
"Rach, I'm enjoying the last few days of nice weather, if you weren't completely insane with keeping deadlines you would be over here doing the exact same thing." Quinn replies, pouting even though she knows Rachel can't see her lips pressed together in a frown.
"Ugh. Q. Stop with the peer pressure and stop procrastinating. I am going to come help you after I'm done with my stuff." She can hear Rachel yelling something at her Dad's and Quinn smiles. She loves the Berry household and all it's warmth and love. So much different then the home she was brought up in. That makes her think about Santana because the strict, cold upbringing that Quinn was brought up in, was the same for Santana. She wonders if Santana had been brought up in a different family, would she still be alive? Quinn starts to stare blankly at the water that's glistening in the sunshine, she's starting to feel her mind go to that place where everything starts to get numb. She thought maybe when September got close that she would start thinking about school and everything else that came with that. But everything still ends up bringing her back to Santana.
At least she's blocked out those nights where Santana would come over and they would explore each other's bodies. She won't allow herself to think about that though. She can hear Rachel saying something on the phone but Quinn isn't listening anymore she's lost in her own world, her world of trying to figure out Santana. Quinn gets up and leaves her phone on the chair and walks into the pool. She can't bear her thoughts of Santana's body over top of hers, she can't picture Santana's smile as she goes in gently for a kiss. Quinn sticks her head under the water and screams, she screams until she can't breathe, she screams until she has to go to the surface and gasp for air. The sun is too bright when she reaches the top and Quinn gets out of the water and walks into the house without putting her towel on. When she reaches her bedroom she slams the door and starts punching the wall with her hand. She's leaving holes in the wall and her hand is all bloody but she doesn't care. Quinn walks into the closet, something that she's been avoiding doing because of the pictures she's hidden of Santana inside of it. (It's the reason she hasn't started packing yet). Quinn takes the pictures out of the box and throws them on the bed, still in her rage. She takes a picture with her non bloody hand and glares at it.
"Why did you have to be so fucking selfish?" She yells at the picture. "You left me here, with these fucking feelings." She takes the picture and starts ripping it to pieces.
Quinn goes to the bathroom and wraps her hand in a bandage. If her mom sees this she's going to kill her or send her away somewhere. But maybe that's what Quinn wants to happen. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't know if she can wait a few more days to leave this shit whole of a town. All this pretending to be okay with the fact that her could have been girlfriend and best friend killed herself is taking it's toll. She feels so guilty all the fucking time that it's eating away at her. Quinn takes a deep breath and opens up the notebook where she writes her letters to Santana, her breaths start calming down a bit as soon as she picks up the pen.
I hate what you'd done to me. I hate you for leaving me, for leaving me feeling like I'm the one who's guilty. I didn't do anything wrong. You started whatever it was that we had been doing and then you fucking left me. I will always hate you for leaving me. I hate you for leaving me here.
Quinn folds the notebook closed as she hears a quiet knock on the door and a tentative breath being drawn. Quinn looks up to find Rachel staring back at her with concern in her eyes. Quinn looks away and hides her hand under the table.
"Take your hand out Quinn, it's too late I already saw the bandages." Rachel walks over to her and Quinn watches her eyes flicker to her damaged hand. Rachel puts a hand softly on top of the bandages and trails her fingers softly across. "Q…" She starts saying but Quinn shrugs Rachel's hand off of hers and glares across the window.
Rachel then walks over to the bed as she sees the mess piled up on it. "What the…" She starts saying but stops herself when she realizes what the mess on the bed is. "Oh hon." She whispers and she goes over to Quinn and wraps her arms around the taller girl. Quinn just whimpers as Rachel holds her.
Quinn's the one who drives most of the way to NY. Rachel controls the music most of the way with minimal arguments from Quinn. "Just no Broadway tunes." Quinn says, Rachel pouts at her but Quinn refuses to let Rachel listen anyways.
Halfway to NY Rachel sighs and looks at Quinn sideways, "Finn and I broke up." She states looking down at her hands.
"What? I'm so sorry Rach. What happened?" Quinn wants to know.
"He says that I'm…" She trails off and avoids Quinn's gaze. "That I'm spending too much time with you. Then he said the most inappropriate things about being separated by being in two different places- because he's joining the Army and… I told him I didn't like the idea of him joining the Army so he called me a selfish bitch… and then wouldn't let me explain and he said other things… but I don't want to get into that right now. But he broke up with me."
Quinn can feel her nostrils flaring at how Finn had treated Rachel. If they were in the same state she would have gone to find him and kick his ass. But they are miles apart, which Quinn thinks is at least better for Rachel because then she can get over his sorry ass. Quinn wants to tell Rachel that he's an ass; that she's better off without him anyways, that long distance relationships never work out. Instead, Quinn sighs and says, "I'm so sorry Rach. It'll be okay." Quinn takes a hand and places it on Rachel's knee. Quinn can feel Rachel tense up and Quinn knows she's about to start sobbing. "Hey Rach… don't cry okay? We can listen to show tunes if you want…" Quinn cringes at her own words. "Whatever, to make you happy." Quinn says.
"Really?" Rachel asks hopefully. "You're the best Quinn." It seems to stop Rachel from crying so Quinn is great full as Rachel picks something off her iPod.
Quinn just rolls her eyes,, "yeah yeah, don't mention it." Quinn means that. She hates showing vulnerability. Rachel is the only one who gets even the slightest chance of seeing that. As soon as Quinn had heard that Santana had died, she had promised herself not to get close to anyone. She had already broken that promise with Rachel but Rachel's a stubborn person and won't take no for an answer.
They drive in silence for the rest of the way over there, stopping in a hotel along the way for the night. It's a one-bed room and Quinn tries to take the couch but Rachel won't hear of it and makes Quinn sleep next to her. Quinn sleeps on the far side of the bed with her back turned, trying to avoid skin to skin contact but wakes up with Rachel's arms wrapped around her. Quinn, still half asleep, kind of half smiles and lies there pretending to be asleep for a little bit longer.
They arrive at NYU in the afternoon and after they've finished loading Quinn's things into her dorm and Rachel's over night bag. They go outside of the musty room to enjoy the days last rays of sunshine. The campus is prettier then Quinn had remembered it from her first visit and she gets a swooping sensation her chest. Nervousness. She can't believe she's finally here. She grabs Rachel's hand excitedly, without realizing and swings her around in a circle. "Rach! We made it, we're in New York!" Quinn smiles and wraps her friend who has pretty much saved her over the summer, into a hug.
Rachel grins at Quinn and envelopes her in another hug, nuzzling her face into the crook of Quinn's neck. "I can't believe we're finally here Q." Rachel pulls away. "Now let's go get something to eat, I'm starving. Rachel entwines her hand with Quinn's and pulls her in an unknown direction, but Quinn doesn't care about the fact that they don't know where they're headed, or know why there was a tingling sensation when Rachel took Quinn's hand in her own. All she cares about is the fact that they've finally made it. There's something liberating about not having a plan (not just going out somewhere to eat), the whole college thing. Having your whole future ahead of you. For the first time in a month, Quinn actually has a real smile plastered on her face.
