So thus after Cao Cao helps Liu Bei out with getting his castle back, Liu Bei becomes that guy and tries to have him killed.

"Aw man, not cool. Come on, Liu Bei. Don't be that guy."

"I have to! It's the only way!"

"Orrrrrr you can just kill yourself. Huh? Huh? That's a hell of a tempting offer. No responsibility, you get to live be in between Nu Wa's breasts, and most important of all, no me."

"I have to end your devilish ways!"

"You begged like a little bitch to get me to help you and this is what I get? Fine, be that way. And whoever wrote your dialogue just now deserves to be put to death!"

So Cao Cao kicked Liu Bei's behind back to Xiapi and then takes his castle away right when he had just gotten it back for him. See, kids? This is what happens when you be that guy. He also steals Liu Bei's limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity statue also known as Guan Yu. Now he goes back home to fight with his old friend and rival warlord, Yuan Shao.

"Aw, cool! Is this one of those limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity statues I've been hearing about?!" excitedly exclaimed Yue Jin about Guan Yu standing there. "Aw man! Where did you get one of these?"

"I did it like any collector would. Beat up its owner and steal it from them." replied Cao Cao.

"Wait, are you people actually thinking I'm some collector's toy? I thought it was a ploy for Xiapi!" says Guan Yu.

"Aw, it talks! But... where's the string?"

"I'm a human being, jackass! Now get out of my sight before the beard destroys you!" angrily yelled Guan Yu causing Yue Jin to fall down in shock.

"Hey, where are Guo Jia and Jia Xu?" asks Cao Cao. "I thought I saw them an hour ago." Cao Pi is standing next to him and replies,"I think they went off to play children's card games."

"Now why would they do that?"

"Isn't that what nerds do?"

"They are not those kinds of nerds. They have more class than that. They are above children's card games-Oh, now I know where they are."

There were two tents that sat beside each other and the only noises that come out of it were loud clicking and yelling. Cao Cao goes over to one and forces himself in to see Jia Xu hunched over while looking at a computer screen.

"Are you seriously using up my broadband for League of Legends?!"

"YES! Get wrecked! Hahaha!" He laughs at his computer screen for a few minutes until he finally notices Cao Cao standing next to him with crossed arms. He stops laughing and he sweats nervously.

"O-Oh... Hello, my lord..."

"I never told anyone but one the Wi-Fi password, yet you still got connected. HOW?"

"Umm..."


"Now what is the password for 'AwesomePrivateHotSpotforCC (Totally not going to use it for porn?)'?" asks Jia Xu to Xun Yu, who was duct taped to a chair.

"Not telling you! No matter how much you hurt me, I will NEVER give you the password!"

"Alright... Guo Jia, Guantanamo Bay him."

"He's going to die if he gets another round of that." says Guo Jia while holding a towel and a bucket of water.

"WE'RE going to die if Xun Yu spills the beans about this whole scene! We can't go back."

"Alright." Guo Jia shrugs and proceeds to nearly drown Xun Yu with the towel and bucket of water. After it was over, Xun Yu coughs loudly and falls down along with the chair. Jia Xu goes over to him and asks,"Are you going to tell me now?"

"No... Koff..."

"Alright... alright... You're still alive after all of that..." He grins manically as he slowly holds up a pair of pliers. "How about I mess up your pretty face...? I doubt you would be popular with the ladies after I pry off a few teeth of you..."

"No! Anything but my face! My wife will leave me once I lose my beauty!"

"You have a wife...?"

"What? It's not normal for someone my age to be married?"

"No... There are no women around here... Who could you get married to?"

"I married one of those handmaidens that you usually have to save from tigers or wolves in Ambition Mode."

"Oh. I thought you married an Edit officer."

"That's in the Empires game. But that game is not canon."

"...And this is what is considered canon...? This an ABRIDGED series. How is this canon?."

"Well..."

"Ah! I got it! The password is 'Ambition Mode'!"

"Ahhhh!"

"Pleasure doing business with you." Jia Xu walks off whistling and Xun Yu calls out to him,"Aren't you going to release me?! You already have the password! And how did you figure it out?!"

"No one talks about Ambition Mode unless you're a fangirl talking about the male characters' high bond lines for a female officer. It is the perfect password. Guo Jia, use the Forget-Me-Stick on him."

"The what stick?!" Guo Jia whacks Xun Yu on the back of the head with a black club with a skull and crossbones lazily drawn to knock him out cold.


"Sir, I picked it up from this..."

"The only person that knows is Xun Yu. You probably tortured him to getting him to saying the password."

"Nooooooo... Why would I do that...?"

"Argh... You're lucky you are very useful or else I would have just killed you by now. Now about Guo Jia-"

"AAAAAAAGH! GODDAMN IT! F*BLEEP*! F*BLEEP*, F*BLEEP*, F*BLEEP*!" is what interrupted him and it was coming from the tent next to the current one he was in. Cao Cao gets out of the current tent and goes into the other one. He sees Guo Jia smashing a keyboard over a desktop computer.

"What the hell happened to you?! The last person I would see rage quit would be you. The first person would be Xiahou Dun, of course."

"It's this obnoxious kid that had taunted me non-stop!"

"Well, what's his name?" Guo Jia cools down and says,"I honestly think that was a girl-" Cao Cao breaks down laughing hysterically while slapping his knee.

"Hahahahaha! Kahahahaha! Phhhhbhbhbht...what...? A girl?! In this part of town?! And second of all, what kind of girl plays League of Legends?! Kahahaha! That's stupid! They more likely to play DOTA! Hahahaha!"

"Well, the voice was weirdly high-pitched."

"Then it's a twelve-year old boy whose balls didn't drop yet!"

"Huh. I suppose so..."

"Meh. Let's go kick Yuan Shao's ass."

"Alright!"

"Also, if you continue to aid Jia Xu with bullying Xun Yu, I will spread the rumor of you playing a nerd's game."

"No! It will ruin my chance with Random Handmaiden #582!"

"Ahahaha... That's the spirit."


Don't worry, we didn't forget about the other people down south. While Liu Bei is MIA and Cao Cao is off doing his own thing, there were this family that was taking over the south part of China. Their father died earlier, so the eldest brother took over. He died too.

Sun Ce runs swiftly through the forest and shoots an arrow to kill a rabbit that was hopping around. He then turns quickly to shoot at a deer. Next it was an ox. Then some more deer, and a couple of birds. A few minutes later, he was surrounded by animal carcasses.

"A fine day's work." Zhou Yu casually walks up to him holding a tablet and says,"You just eradicated twenty species off the face of the earth-"

"English, please!"

"You just made twenty kinds of animals go extinct."

"Still not getting it!"

"You killed every single one of these animals."

"Thank you!" A tiger runs by and Sun Ce shoots it, killing it. Zhou Yu exclaims,"That was an endangered species!"

"That means more points, right?"

"No!"

"Oh well, I bet that will make a nice rug!"

"Dear god, why am I friends with you?"

"Because I am voiced by Yuri Lowenthal! Everyone's favorite voice actor with the name of Japanese lesbian porn! Hey, are you even listening?!" Zhou Yu ignores Sun Ce and is continuing to use his tablet. Sun Ce slaps it into the air and shoots an arrow through it while it was still in the air.

"I was working on my manuscript, you wanker!"

"So you could work as a Starbucks barista? Not a chance!"

"First of all, that was not that kind of manuscript! Second of all, that was expensive! I had to sell my child wife to a brothel in order to pay for that!"

"How could you?! What kind of monster separates twins?! Are you trying to recreate The Parent Trap?!"

"Those two weren't twins in the first place! You got the older one, remember?"

"Oh right. Let's go kill more stuff!"

"Are you at least going to eat any of these dead animals?"

"Good idea! It will give me strength to kill things!" Sun Ce goes down to take one dead deer and begins to bite into it.

"Aren't you going to cook it?"

"Cooking is for women! I am a man, thus I eat my meat super f*bleep*ing rare! Nomnomnom!"

"Alright..."

Later, they walk through the forest and Zhou Yu tells Sun Ce,"I don't like the look of this. I think we've wandered into the wrong side of the forest."

"How could you tell? All forests are the same! I would know because I am a forest-ist! "

"Well, as we walk down this path, the trees start to become less coated with leaves and are dark grey."

"Is some evil witch going to take us into her house made of candy? Because I want some candy. Let's get kidnapped by an evil witch to go to her candy house."

"No, that would be most inconvenient."

"And refuse free candy?! You're insane! I thought British people LOVE candy! They have bad teeth, after all!"

"I'm not British!"

"That explains why you have perfect teeth. That doesn't explain the accent though... Are you Australian then?"

"No."

"Irish!"

"No."

"Indian?"

"F*bleep* no!"

"Then what are ya?!"

"I grew up in Hong Kong." He lies to get out the ridiculous conversation.

"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh, that explains it!"

"Sir, for your well-being, we have to turn back."

"But I want to eat the candy house!"

"There is no candy house!"

"Ooh, candy house!" Sun Ce runs off towards a pink house that was sitting within the far reaches of the forest.

"Sun Ce! No! You can't go alone! You're dark-skinned! That means you're destined to die! You're not African... but it is still close!" Zhou Yu shouts, but Sun Ce was too far away to hear.

"Crap. I need to round up a group of rescuers for this task since I'm too pretty to venture deeper into the woods."

Zhou Yu turns back the way he came and while he was going that, Sun Ce gets to the pink house and finds it was made of many sweets.

"Oh my god! The candy house exists! And I didn't need to be kidnapped by an evil witch!" He runs and grasps himself onto a wall of the house and is about to sink his teeth in when the house suddenly disappears with a loud poof. He falls down back onto the ground.

"Argh! What?!"

"You fell for it..." said a spooky voice.

"Oh come on! Now Pedobear's coming to get me!"

"I am not Pedobear..." An old man appears before Sun Ce and he jumps back in surprise.

"Oh my god! Are you my fairy godfather?!"

"What? No! And those don't exist, imbecile!"

"Hey, gender equality man! Men can be fairies too! Just select ones could."

"I am Gan Ji-"

"Yeah, we know. The audience has played through this stage millions of times."

"Let me finish! I am here to stop your reign of terror by any means necessary!"

"For what exactly?"

"You massacred twenty species of animals with no remorse!"

"I ate one of the animals. Is that good enough?"

"You will feel those animals' pain soon!"

"Ohhhhh... You're with PETA, right...? Ugggh... You guys shut down my business of selling skins... There are people who need clothes, you know."

"I am not with them! Now, you will suffer! Ha!" Gan Ji throws his hand out and a shock wave hits Sun Ce. He sits there looking dissatisfied.

"What was that? A handfart?"

"I placed a curse on you!"

"Ooh, I am destined to smell like handfarts for eternity...? Ooh, I'm sooo scared!" He says sarcastically. Gan Ji snaps his fingers and the two disappear.

Zhou Yu gets back to the forest along with Taishi Ci, Da Qiao, and Xiao Qiao.

"I couldn't get the A Team, but at least I got...This dildo-wielding soldier, Sun Ce's wife, and my own wife that managed to escape the brothel she was sold to."

"Strange old men touched me with their willies!" Xiao Qiao happily exclaims for no reason.

"Yes... Now we are ready to save Sun Ce!"

"But where do we start?"

"Right... Just find a pink house-" Xiao Qiao exclaims,"Ooh, candy house!" She runs towards the same pink house that Sun Ce ran to earlier.

"Well, that was easy. Follow her!" The three chase after Xiao Qiao and when she was about to leap forward to try to take a bite of it, it disappears, letting her fly forward to crash into a tree.

"Mwahahaha... You are trying to get your friend back? Well, come and take him!" Ghost soldiers appear all around the group and Taishi Ci announces,"Do not worry! Me and my dildos will get the job done!" He goes on to attack the soldiers and Zhou Yu groans in disgust when he hears the loud thumping noises turn into loud squishing noises.

"Ugggh... What are you doing...? Those are dead soldiers from all of the games combined... Uggh... Where are you putting that-OH GOD! Uurgh..." Zhou Yu covers his mouth and looks away. Gan Ji's voice echoes in a just as disgusted voice,"Stop! Stop! Stop... using those to sodomize them... They're dead soldiers! Uggh! You people are sick! Here's your friend back!" Sun Ce appears out of thin air and plops down onto the ground.

"Urrgh... Am I dead yet? Why am I not between Nu Wa's breasts right now...?"

"Sun Ce!" Zhou Yu and along with the others go to him, but Sun Ce pushes them off.

"Whoa, whoa. You guys are smothering me and I really need my space."

"Are you alright?"

"I didn't get free candy, so NO. I am not alright."

"But you're alive. Isn't that what matters?"

"Meh." Gan Ji says suddenly,"Ha! Yeah right I will leave him alive! Here you go, suckers!"

Sun Ce explodes into a red paste, splattering everyone with his blood. They all groan in disgust, but were also in shock. Zhou Yu turns to Da Qiao and says,"Sooooo... how would you like to become my concubine and bear my dark-haired children?"

"..." She was still in shock and her eyes were twitching.

"Okay, I guess that's a no. Phht..." He spits out a string-like appendage and groans.

"Uggggggggh... Ew... Oh god... I got his vas deferens..." Taishi Ci holds up a crushed piece of mass. "I got his testes. Or what's left of it."

Xiao Qiao holds up what looks like bone and says,"I got his cock!"

"You mean coccyx...What about you Da Qiao? What did you get?"

"...I...I..." She holds up a small object covered in mosaics.

"Oh, you got the head."

"Oh god..."

"Yeah, yeah... Oh well, let's go home. There's no body to bury, so we can just bury his vas deferens, coccyx, testes, and penis head."

Sun Ce died at the age of 25. From abnormal circumstances that records don't seem to want to tell us. After news got out he died, his young brother, Sun Quan, became the man of the house now. He did okay. Now, back to Guandu where Cao Pi swipes up someone's wife just because he wants to.

Cao Pi comes across a locked gate and looks at the map on the right hand side of him.

"Looks like this is where that pretty lady is. But I can't wait for my father to kill a random generic in order to open this door. Xu Chu!" Xu Chu runs up to him.

"Yes, sir?"

"Knock down this door!"

"I can't do that. That feature got taken out ever since DW6."

"Do it!"

"Alright." Xu Chu goes up to the door and prepares to break it down.

"My voice gives me super strength!" He breaks down the door with on punch. Beyond the gate was Zhang He who yells out,"Hey! You can't do that! It's against the rules!"

"I did not ask for a Discount Vega! Where's the pretty lady?"

"I'm sorry, but your princess is in another castle. But I can happily substitute."

"Xu Chu, close the door." Xu Chu runs over to close the gate back, annoying Zhang He.

"Don't just ignore me!"

Cao Pi says to himself,"I'm guessing the other camp has her." He runs towards another camp and has Xu Chu knock its gate down.

"My voice gives me super strength!" He breaks open the gate and inside was Zhen Ji along with generic officer Yuan Xi.

"There we go. Now we're talking."

"Ugh! Can't you believe this guy? Breaking down gates was SO two games ago!" says Zhen Ji.

"Don't worry, babe. I'll take care of him." Yuan Xi runs up to Cao Pi and Cao Pi simply taps him with his sword so that he falls down, defeated.

"Well. That was unexpected."

"Now that he's out of the way. We'll bang, okay?"

"I just met you! This isn't a Disney movie, you know! And that was not fair! He had a one star weapon!"

"Screw the rules! I have money! Did I mention I have money? I have money. I'MBATMAN."

"What else do you have?"

"You get to wear this sexy purple dress instead of that pee-colored one, I am brood and am unable to express my actual feelings, and I am at least six inches."

"Alright. Take me away, my dark icy prince! And do you have that dress on you?"

"...Um... Well... I was going to have that ready back home... Why?"

"Because I am starting to suspect this dress IS pee-colored. Meaning, using actual piss to color this dress."

"We'll deal with that once we kick your former father-in-law's ass."

"Former?"

"We're getting married after this."

"What? I said this won't be a Disney movie!"

"Too late. I already sent R.S.V.P.'s to everyone I know to come to the wedding. You and I will have hottest post-marriage sex my bed has ever seen."

"I hope you won't be a disappointment, virgin."

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT?! I mean, I'm not. Totally not."

"I can smell virgins. In fact, I can smell it off the Yugioh cards in your pockets."

"What cards?! There are no cards! I have no idea what you're talking about." Cao Pi discreetly pushes in brown cards deeper into his pants pockets. "We should go and kill Yuan Shao now."

"Cao Cao is already there. You can just wait."

In fact, he was. Over inside the castle, Cao Cao faces Yuan Shao after knocking away soldiers.

"You've come this far, but it is the end of the line! One of us will live and one of us will die!" shouts yuan Shao.

"Come on, fancy pants! What's the worst you could do? British me to death? Make me watch your Downton Abbey audition tape? Throw tea at me?"

"I grew up in Hong Kong, jackass! It's not my fault my accent is like this!"

"Excuses, excuses. We all have them. Now come on! Give me your best shot!"

*One second later*

Yuan Shao lies on the floor and is manages to sit up for Cao Cao to start approaching him.

"Not fair! This isn't fair! You played on Easy Mode, you noob!"

"No, I just have a five star weapon and am level forty."

"Now what?"

Cao Cao kneels down and whispers to him,"Penis." Yuan Shao makes a choking sound and then falls down onto the floor.


[Any DW character with a British accent is from Hong Kong or might be.]


Zhou Yu along with many others were dressed in white as they attend Sun Ce's funeral. He was the one giving the eulogy.

"And because of his desperate need of candy, he fell into a trap that eventually caused his death. All we have left to remember him is his vas deferens, coccyx, testes, and penis head." He gestures to a shrine with Sun Ce's picture sitting inside along with a small black box in front of the picture frame.

"But, we will never forget his heroic deeds such as taking land, taking more land, and being a good brother. And also wiping out twenty species of deer, birds, and rabbits. Now he is with our creator, the all mighty Lady Nu Wa, in between her breasts he is. In his place is his younger brother, Sun Quan. And if should he die too-" A hand raises in the middle of the mass of white clothed people.

"Um... Yes? Who is that?" The people move over to reveal Sun Shang Xiang. "Oh. What now? This is your brother's funeral, can't it wait?"

"My brother would have interrupted my funeral if I had one."

"Alright, but-"

"If Quan dies, does the power go to me?"

"Phht..." Zhou Yu makes a crooked smile that signals he was about to laugh but was holding it in. "Khhhh... Well... That depends..."

"And...?"

"Um... That's if Sun Quan asks for you to be in charge in his will..."

"So maybe?"

"Sure...PHHHHHHT AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe I said that with a straight face! Hahahaha!" Sun Shang Xiang slowly narrows her eyes at him and in the next scene is a shrine with Zhou Yu's picture in it. Sun Shang Xiang is now giving his eulogy.

"And because he was a sexist douche, he is now with our all mighty creator..."