Chapter 2: A Wish for Sleep
Companion Song: Pressure by Paramore
Now that I'm losing hope
And there's nothing else to show
For all of the days that we spent
Carried away from home
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
(Lyrics are copyright of Paramore)
(Characters are copyright of Stephenie Meyer)
No permission is implied from their use and belongs to the respective copyright owners.
Bella stopped sobbing and did a double take as she realized she had company. A large gray wolf cocked his head to the side and twitched his nose slightly.
"Oh, hey Seth" Bella mumbled as she laid her head back on to the sand and looked out towards the waves crashing in. A few moments passed. He took a few steps closer and nudged her with his snout.
"You know…it's not often you can sneak up on a vampire." she mused tonelessly. Out of her peripheral vision, she could see the corners of his wolfy lips come to resemble what looked like a smile. That was Seth, always playful. He was upbeat no matter what the situation. The only time Bella had ever seen him sad was when his father Harry had died.
"Ummm….sorry. I know I probably shouldn't be here. I'm sure no one is too happy to see me wandering around on the rez." she apologized. Seth-wolf shook his head.
Dejected, Bella sighed and got up and began to turn away. Seth put a paw on her, making her stop. He shook his head again. Bella paused. Seth whined slightly and then held up his other paw as if to say wait. He disappeared into the trees and then returned a minute later in the standard wolfpack attire of jean shorts.
"Ooooh, a t shirt too?!" Bella asked in good-natured sarcastic excitement.
"I've started stashing some in trees." he said grinning. "You never know when you might have a lady to impress." he winked at her. She half smiled back at him. It was hard to muster happiness in her current depressed state, but Seth did make it a little easier.
"So what's the matter?" he asked in a serious tone, looking at her. Bella sat down on a log and he sat down next to her.
"Like I said, sorry. I know I shouldn't be here." she said avoiding his question and his gaze.
"That doesn't matter. You're my friend. You can come here whenever you want." he said being his usual friendly self, though he still looked serious.
"Thank you. You don't have any reason to be nice to me, though, and you don't have to be."
"Maybe. But we are friends, right?" he said as more of a statement than a question.
"I don't deserve your friendship, or friendship from anyone here. Everything I've put you guys through. But it's nice if I do have it, just the same. I don't really know how you even still like me. You know what I am."
"I know what you are. But you still like me knowing what I am." He was implying the underlying reference to the whole supernatural purpose of being created to destroy each other.
"I do." She stated. It was a serious moment until Seth wiggled his eyebrows up and down. Bella couldn't help but giggle a little despite her sadness.
"You still haven't told me why you're here, or why you were…crying." he prompted.
"To be honest, I don't know why I'm here" she replied and then thought about it for a minute.
"Is it Jake?" he asked.
The very mention of his name made her freeze. Her heart dropped (or did it?) and she unintentionally let out what sounded like a squeak. Her lips trembled ever so slightly. She couldn't bring herself to say anything, but she really didn't have to. Seth twitched his nose yet again and then slightly pursed his lips. Jake's name continued to cause a stabbing pain and Bella remained silent.
She noticed his face and finally asked "What is it?". His face returned back to normal but he just shrugged his shoulders a little.
"Seriously, what?". He looked at her and she came to the conclusion that as usual, she must smell terrible to him, like every vampire did.
"I don't know. For a second I almost thought I was smelling cinnamon or something. Weird." He shrugged his shoulders again.
"Well damn. I must be hungry. What say you make me some food and we talk? I'm starving. It's been like a whole two hours since I ate." he flashed her a hopeful smile.
"Do you think about anything else? Really." she said in mock annoyance but got up and started walking nonetheless. "Yayyy" he said getting up and following her.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"My house. Let's go." she said. He stopped walking. Bella turned around and looked at him.
"Errrr…..is Edward going to mind?" he asked uncertainly. Seth was unsure of what exactly to expect.
"Edward isn't going to be there. We aren't going to the Cullen's. We're going to Forks."
"Okay. I thought…." he said, confused but he didn't finish his sentence. "Be back in a minute" he said and dashed off behind some trees. Seth-wolf reappeared and stood next to her. He kneeled one leg down on the ground.
"I don't need you to do that, you know." she stuck up her nose and tried to look snobby and not smile at the same time. Seth-wolf almost looked like he was rolling his eyes. He snorted and kneeled down his other leg. Bella shrugged her shoulders and said ahhh what the hell to herself climbing on his back and wrapping her arms around his neck. He dashed off towards Forks.
It was just about dusk and the fading sunlight was starting to cast shadows all around them. Seth slowed down about a hundred yards from Charlie's house and Bella jumped off. She continued walking towards the house and Seth phased behind her and caught up. Chief Swan's cruiser wasn't in the driveway. Charlie was away in another part of the state for a few days at some kind of mass casualty training exercise he was required to do every year.
Bella missed him. She didn't see him as much as she wanted to. She still came by to check on him and talk to him every once in awhile. Charlie knew that she was different but he didn't ask questions. Jake phasing in front of him had kind of explained the unexplainable. Bella remembered when Jake had done that for her. She had felt so bad about Charlie asking questions and being worried over her, and of course she didn't know how to tell him then. That was his way of finding out his daughter was different without putting him at risk of being killed by the Volturi for knowing too much.
She sighed. Here she was living in her memories of Jacob again.
They walked up to the house and she found the key and turned it in the lock. She opened the door for Seth and headed for the kitchen. He sat down at the kitchen table as she opened the fridge and pulled out some steaks. He leaned back in the chair and watched her in grateful silence as she also pulled out potatoes and started up some gravy simmering in a pot in no time.
Delicious smells filled the air. I'm coming here for Thanksgiving Seth mumbled to himself under his breath.
She pulled out a plate and started filling it up. She placed it in front of him and sat down across from him. So as not to be awkward, Bella turned in her chair and leaned her head down and closed her eyes, letting him eat.
"Mmmm thanks" he said through a mouthful of steak. She opened her eyes and looked at him with a small smile. He finished and put his dishes in the sink.
"Shall we take this to the bedroom?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down again playfully. Bella rolled her eyes at him in response but lead the way up the stairs to her room. Seth stretched out on her bed as she sat in the seat by her desk.
"So why are we here?" he wondered.
"You mean why aren't we at the Cullen's?" she said as more of a statement, anticipating his thoughts.
"Well…yeah." he said, propping his head up on his elbow.
"I haven't been there in…a long time." she told him.
"Really?" he said, kind of surprised. "Well that answers my question from before, I think…?"
And that started Bella telling him about how things had been the last year since Jake ran out of the room that day. She was heartbroken about how he left, about what she had become. Now that she was immortal, she wasn't susceptible to Edward's alluring defenses in the same way she had been in her human state. Being free from the feeling she always had of something clouding her vision had been quite a shock.
She didn't doubt that Edward loved her. But, she was finally able to get some clarity on how controlling Edward had always been. The way he had taken parts from her truck so she wouldn't be able to visit Jake that night. The way he always told her not to do things. The way he was always with her watching her every move.
Edward had been like a drug she couldn't resist. The way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he used romanticized words to justify his actions. He cared, but he also couldn't ever seem to give her enough space to think about things for herself.
Now she had space. Plenty of space. And the vastness of it without Jake was too much.
She was still alone. She didn't even take comfort in having had a child. If she was being honest with herself, the idea of having a child that went against nature broke her heart. Renesmee was a reminder of everything she had given up to have a life with Edward. It seemed as though she had always been meant for Rosalie, anyway. It was Rosalie's dream, not hers. She didn't have her dream for long, though. Renesmee continued on her path of accelerated growth and overtime she became fragile and pale. No one could do anything to change it, not even Carlisle. Eventually, the little girl with Bella's same brown eyes closed them and they never opened again. And with that, it seemed the only thread holding Bella and Edward together frayed and then snapped off.
She had tried to be happy in that brief time, but it didn't last. She was angry with herself for never leaving enough time to consider having a future with Jake too. She hadn't even allowed herself to think about any kind of future – whether she really did want to go to college or do something, anything. Most of all, she was angry with herself for going to Italy. She saw that now in a way she couldn't see then. He left her in the woods that day. ABANDONED HER and told her he didn't want her anymore, she was no good for him.
Why did she ever go after him? He was going to kill himself because he thought she was dead? If he loved her so much then why did he ever leave her and rip everything out of her life promising her it would be as if he never existed? You can't walk out of a person's life like that and then say it was to try and protect them. The anger from that thought unwittingly made Bella grip the chair and break it into pieces. She almost swore she could feel the blood in her cheeks.
"Damnit!" she cursed and started muttering something about finding a new chair. They had been talking for hours. Seth sleepily patted the bed next to him. Bella inwardly seethed at herself but did walk over to the bed and sat down next to him. He put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed. Of course it wouldn't have actually caused her to move an inch, but she allowed herself to gently sink down and lay on the bed next to him, looking face to face. His gentle brown eyes were kind, understanding.
He didn't really know what to say. If there was anything he even could say. For as young as he was, Seth was very wise. He seemed intuitively to know whatever it was people needed the most at any given time. And so, he reached his hand over towards her and she took it. She could feel the warmth through her icy fingers, and it wasn't just the 100 and something degrees. The warmth of another being caring and understanding right at this very moment cut through her melancholy and she felt at peace, even if it was only for a brief time.
Thank you, she whispered as he fell asleep and his body relaxed. She only wished that she could sleep too. That was never something she thought she would miss. And even though she couldn't fall asleep any longer, Bella knew she felt very, very tired.
