xXx Bloody Memoirs of Addiction xXx

xXx Not Enough xXx

"Don't even think about coming anywhere Bill, got it?" Georg spat in my face after he had pulled his pants and t-shirt back on.

I just nodded and the door banged shut.

I wasn't even numb. If I didn't move I was nothing. My body wasn't my own, Georg had just proved it. If I didn't move there was no pain and I felt weightless. I deliberately moved to bring back the pain. That was my punishment for raping my little brother. Kinda funny when you think about it. Pain was what started this whole mess. My pain, my never ending addiction to feel something real. The pain makes me feel alive yet, at the same time, it makes everything fade for a few blissful seconds.

I don't know how long I sat on the stained sheets of the bed with my back against the wall and only a thin blanket to cover me. It was as if the blood, which had flowed from me after Georg had pulled out, had glued me to the mattress and all I could do was shiver every so often once I began to float into nothing.

A knock at the door.

I didn't have the strength to move or tell them to fuck off so I just sat there. The door opened and the light from the corridor attacked my eyes like daggers after having spent so long in the dark. This caused me to move my head and thus my whole body moved. I winced and pulled the blanket around me tighter only just realising how cold I had become.

The person stood at the door and stared at me. I couldn't see him but I knew it wasn't Bill. It would never be Bill.

"You have to be down stairs in fifteen minutes, Tom, Jost is holding a meeting."

I just nodded.

"Georg really did a number on you… I'm not saying what he did was right but you deserved it, Tom. Maybe now you won't touch Bill."

I nodded again and Gustav left without another word.

I never did find out how Gustav knew what Georg had done. I suppose he must have told him.

xXx

Moving to climb into the shower took me a while and getting dressed took me longer. Every move was hell. Then again, it kept me awake. I felt really dizzy and light headed but I suppose that was because I had been awake for over thirty-six hours with only Gustav's dirty spunk to nourish me.

When I finally made it downstairs to the conference room I was twenty minutes late.

"Nice of you to join us, Tom, have a seat." Jost pointed to side of the table with three vacant chairs. It was one of those tables that sat three people on both sides and someone at the end. Bill sat opposite me, shielded by Gustav and Georg on either side of him. Bill refused to look at me while the other two sneered. Bill's eyes looked puffy and my heart broke all over again. I shifted in my seat to remind myself that what Gustav did was what I deserved. What I was feeling was what Bill had felt. The tears stung my eyes as I stared at my hands.

Jost eyed us all in turn before speaking.

"I don't know what the hell has happened between you lot but I suggest you tell me before I find out for my self."

Not one of us answered him. What would we say? What would I say? 'I have been cutting myself for over a year and when my baby brother tried to help me I raped him and when Georg found out he raped me'?

No, that wouldn't do at all. I kept my mouth shut and picked at my nails. I had missed the blood under them.

"Well?" Jost sounded impatient and a tad angry.

I heard Bill take in a shuddering sigh before saying those two words that I had never wanted to hear.

"It's over."

He wasn't just talking about the band. He looked at me when he said it. Everything that had been between Bill and I was over. We couldn't even be brothers.

I looked up to see everyone looking at me. This was my fault. I fuck everything up. If I hadn't forced Bill to… well, none of that would have happened. It was his fault. I was happy being left to cut. Cutting takes the pain away, takes everything away.

I didn't even notice that I was scratching at my wrist with my coarse finger nails. I was so numb inside.

I felt a warm, wet substance on my fingers. When I pulled them away from my wrist to look at them I didn't understand why that were red.

Blood.

Blood is a mysterious thing. It supposedly helps to carry suger and oxygen and all that other junk around the body. Is that why vampires drink it?

It supposedly keeps you alive as well. I've been bleeding for the past two years and I ain't dead yet so I think science is a fail.

I like the way the blood forms after I cut. It doesn't all rush at once like you see in the movies. Well, the non-serious ones don't anyways. At first all you see in nothing, like when you get a paper cut and it stings like hell and you don't know why because you can't see anything. Then it starts to form in little beads and it's really hypnotic just to watch it gather. If it is a deeper cut the blood runs a little into the one below it and they merge together and run into the next cut and soon there is a little river. Then it scabs and heals and scars.

It's all just a scar. An imprint set in the material world for all to see. The world itself is a scar. Just one big horrible disaster and we won't be able to see it until it is too late. Then we will be gone.

I pulled my wrist above the table to see the extent of the damage. It was bad but I have done worse. It was running into the sleeve of my white hoody. Another stain. An imprint.

A scar.

I heard Bill burst into sobs and watched as Gustav and Georg put him in between their arms to comfort him. Jost stood up and set to reach for my wrist. In slow motion I tore it away from him and ran out the door and back up to my room. I locked the door behind me and slid down it as Jost called out for Saki.

It was over. I had been caught. Jost might commit me to a psychiatric ward.

As I sat on the floor and listened to the heavy thuds my head was jolted forward everything they beat the door. I finally felt the pain in my wrist. I pulled it up to eye level and stared at the raw flesh. I wondered how far away the bone was. Would I reach an artery or a vein first? I flexed my wrist and for the first time the pain didn't take everything away.

It wasn't enough.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yeah... so there you have it ^=^

I dunno if there will be another part... do you guys want another part?

Comments make me smile =]

*Edit - Thanks to Loran for pointing out I had gotten Geo and Gus mixed up*

Hoshi xXx