Thank you to all readers, You guys are the best.

I do own Twilight but I do own Lostward and PRM.

Thanks to my beta, cedward 2417

Here We Go Again

Edward

The airport was busy for a Thursday afternoon. I expected a lot of men or women in suits flying to and from places on business; but today all I could fucking see were families and couples everywhere. Fathers were chasing their sons around the seats with a toddler dangling from his arms like an extra body apart waiting to fall off. The mothers were checking in their handbags- making sure they had all of their passports, tickets, and baby wipes. All the while the children were too excited to sit in one place, so they would jump from chair to chair and irritating their parents every 5 minutes by asking if that was their plane over this way or that way.

As I looked around my seat, boredom was fucking kicking in. I spotted a brown haired little boy, about 10 years old, who sat against the window and looked at all the planes outside, while a blonde girl sat next to him and read a book. The scene before me was so familiar, that little boy was me a few years ago. I felt the longing in my heart when I thought about how my family had gone on so many holidays with Bella's family. Every year our families would join together, pick somewhere hot with a big beach and lots of water sports, and we would all fly out together. We'd spend two of the best weeks together enjoying the sunshine and water, which was something that rarely happened in Forks- well the sunshine at least- there was definitely plenty of fucking water around with the Forks's weather.

I remembered our holiday in California when things first changed between Bella and me.

"Edward, come on! I want to get on a sports ride man," Emmett yelled at me.

I had agreed to spend the day trying out all the water sports rides that were available- now that I was fifteen, 5' 6" and still growing, I was allowed on most of the rides. I was excited to try them out. I had watched Emmett for the last three years go on rides that I was either too short or too young to go on; and now, I could go on anyone I wanted. Bella was still really small and a lot younger than me, therefore, she would be refused the rides. She said that she didn't care- that she wanted to go shopping and sunbath by the beach- but I knew Bella, and even though she is a girl, she doesn't like shopping (unless it was in book stores), so I knew that she was lying.

"Edward, come on."

"What about Bella? We can't just leave her on her own, Em," I questioned, the guilt was stirring in my stomach.

"Bella's fine. She wouldn't like them anyway, come on." I finally agreed and went grumpily with him. I felt really guilty, having left my best friend behind.

We had spent hours trying out all the rides that were there and, eventually, (when we had run out of money) we went back to the hotel.

My skin felt hot and tingly from the sun. I knew that this was the start of my sunburn- I just hoped that it wasn't bad enough for me to get sunstroke. I didn't want to spend the rest of my holiday sick.

"Ah you're back, Edward. How was your day, Son?" My father asked from the sofa that was in the hotel family room. He was leaning down with my mother beside him, and they watched some Spanish show.

"It was good, Dad. I think I got sunburned though," I answered him while trying to look at my back in the main mirror.

"How many times do I have to remind you to kept applying sunscreen, you don't want skin cancer, Edward?" My father sighed and ran his hand through his blonde hair- it was a habit that I had also picked up on, and did, when I was worried or nervous.

"I did put some on, Dad. I guess I didn't put on enough, I'm going to go take a shower." I didn't wait for them to reply, I really wasn't in the mood for my father's lecture on skin cancer again. Sometimes it was great having your father as the local doctor, but often he would lecture me about shit like: how unhealthy it was when I ate McDonald's all the time instead of a healthy meal, or that smoking was the number one source of cancer related deaths. I loved my dad, I wanted to be doctor just like him; but I promised myself that I would leave the doctor in the hospital and be Edward at home when I was older. My son could eat all the McDonald's he wanted- hell, I'd be there eating a Big Mac® with him.

I quickly ran a cool shower and slowly stepped in under the cool spray. The cool water tingled as it hit my raw skin, feeling like hundreds of needles piercing the surface, but it managed to sooth the sunburn. My mind drifted off to Bella, I felt really guilty for leaving her alone. I know she said she didn't mind, but I also knew that Bella would say anything if she thought it would make other people happy. Maybe I could make it up to her- spend tomorrow with her, and do anything she wanted to, yeah that's what I would do- make her pick something that she really wanted to do, and I would do it with her.

I was thinking about the plan that had formed in my head while I got out the shower, dried my body, and wrapped the towel around my waist. I started humming a tune that had started to build in my head for the last couple of days, I didn't know what it was, but I knew that I had to get down on paper as soon as I got home.

I stopped still when I opened the bathroom door. Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed, her long hair was tied in a high pony tail- she was wearing a pair of denim jeans and a white t-shirt. She looked adorable. She always looked adorable to me, even on Sunday when we sat around and watched Friends on the telly, and she was in her holey sweats and her dad's t-shirt.

"Hey," I mumbled quietly.

"Hey," she answered. "Your mum told me to tell you to be ready in an hour."

"Ok."

I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and t-shirt.

"Can you wait here for a sec, I want to talk to you about something?" She nodded her head, and I hurried back into the bathroom to get dressed.

Bella was still sitting on the bed when I went back into my room, so I sat beside her. I didn't know why I was suddenly so nervous, it was only Bella, she was my best friend; but right now, something was different, and I didn't know what it was. It wasn't like this earlier, or yesterday, or even the day before when she stayed over at my house and we both fell asleep on the couch wrapped up in each other arms.

"I'm sorry I left you on your own today," I blurted out.

"It's ok, I never expected you to hang out with me all the time, Edward, I'm glad you got to have fun with, Emmie."

I watched as she bit her bottom lip- something was worrying her- she always bit her lips when she was worried.

"If you're ok with it, then what's wrong?"

She let out a deep sigh. I could feel my heart beat speed up, and my hands started to sweat. What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't shake the tension in the room, and I have no idea why it was even there.

She finally looked at me, her deep brown eyes stared at me, and I felt a chill run down my spine. It was like she was looking into my soul searching for something. The feeling in my stomach and the way she looked at me was starting to scare the crap out of me.

"Bella, what is it?"

"Can you kiss me, please?"

What? Kiss her?

"Kiss you?" I asked. My eyes went wide with shock. I didn't know what shocked me more, the fact that Bella - my best friend, who I had known my whole life, who I used to share a bath with- wants me to kiss her, or the fact that I realized that I really wanted to kiss her.

"I made some friends today, they are my age, and well, they were talking about what boys they have kissed and what it was like. I didn't know what to say to them as I've never kissed a boy, I mean really kissed a boy- not like the kiss we give each other at Christmas- and they made it sound like it was good and fun. I really wanted to try it, and I don't want just anyone to be my first kiss, Edward…"

She looked at me from under her eyelashes, her eyes pleading with me. I don't know why or where these feelings had suddenly come from, but I really wanted to say yes to her.

"I want it to be with you."

"I don't know Bella, I want to, I really want to, but what if your dad finds out? He has a gun, and I'm fifteen, almost sixteen, Bella, and you're only thirteen, I don't think your dad, well…" I was rambling until she placed her small finger over my mouth. I suddenly wanted to kiss her finger, taste her. Well my hormones were alive and kicking today.

God, Charlie, was going to fucking kill me.

"My dad doesn't need to know, and you're not that much older. Emmett kissed Rose, and he's a little older than you are."

" What? When?"

"Christmas. Rose told me."

"Oh, I still don't know." I nodded my head, trying to get the perverted thoughts out of it.

"I trust you, Edward. I want my first real kiss to be with you, not some stupid boy I don't know."

"What boy?" I asked her with venom in my voice. I didn't want any other boy kissing, my Bella.

My Bella?

"Sam, one of the boys that I meet today, he asked if he could kiss me." I watched as she licked her lips, making them all kissable.

I looked her straight in the eyes.

"Are you sure?" I asked. I wanted to make sure that she wanted this. She nodded her head, never taking her eyes from mine. I could see the honesty and lust behind them. She really wanted me, Bella wanted to kiss me. My heart leapt at the thought of Bella wanting me, only me.

For the first time I had butterflies in my stomach. I had kissed a few girls before, but I had never had these types of feelings before.

I looked at her lips, then her eyes, and she'd done the same. I slowly moved my head closer to her. Bella copied my moves until I could feel her lips pressed against mine. There was a warm burning feeling flowing through my body, it made me feel alive. I had no idea what it was, but I wanted more of it. I pulled away and looked at Bella, making sure she was okay. She just looked at me, smiled, and looked at my lips again. I didn't have a chance to think about anything before her lips were back linked to mine, this time our lips started moving with each other. The burning feeling was getting stronger, and then, Bella moaned. She moaned into my mouth, and suddenly, my teenage hormones were in overdrive, fighting to get some release.

I'm not sure how long we continued to kiss like this, but I wanted more. I wanted to taste her and feel her tongue against mine.

"Bella," I whispered into her as we pulled apart to take a quick breath.

"Edward," she whispered back to me and push her lips back onto mine again. I pulled her body closer to mine and ran my tongue along her bottom lip, silently asking if she wanted more. She grabbed me tightly by the hair, opened her mouth, and pushed her tongue passed my teeth and touched the tip of my tongue with hers. A deep moan escaped my mouth before I could control it, this felt so incredible.

I let her take the lead, as she had never done this before, and I wanted her to explore me, show me what she wanted. However, a little guidance didn't hurt. I gently wrapped my tongue around hers, and then sucked on her bottom lip. A louder moan escaped her mouth making my heart do cartwheels. I could feel myself getting hard with her body pressed so close to mine. I had to stop before our intensity got out of control; but fuck, this felt so amazing I never wanted it to end. However, if I wanted to live, I had to stop.

I gently pulled away from her, rested my forehead on hers, and tried to control my breathing.

"Bella, Baby," I whispered to her. I didn't really know what to say. How do you tell your best friend, who is three years younger, that they had just given you the kiss of your life; that your body was screaming for more, without feeling like a pervert or scaring her away?

"That was amazing, Edward, thank you." She ran her hand along my cheek and in that moment I knew things had changed for us. I knew that she wanted me- I could see it in her eyes.

I spent the next year and a half stealing little kisses, just like our first, from her. I made sure that they didn't go any further than just kisses. She was too young and innocent. Finally, on New Year's Eve, when Bella was fifteen and I was eighteen, I approached Charlie half an hour before midnight and admitted that I was in love with his daughter.

He laughed at me and told me that he already knew that, but we would talk about it later. I told him I wanted to tell her and kiss her at the bells. He just nodded his head and repeated "just a kiss" to me. I knew that was my warning from him. At midnight I asked Bella to officially be my girlfriend and kissed her, showing her everything I felt for her in that kiss.

There were no more innocent kisses after that night.

I had finished two packets of Skittles® while I'd taken that trip down memory lane.

I put the third packet into my pocket for while I was on the plane. The little boy and girl were gone when I looked over to where they had been. I hoped that boy's life doesn't hold the same fate as mine- I wouldn't wish for this fucking life on anyone. Well I could think of a few little shits, but I really wanted to stay calm while I made the trip to San Francisco. Truthfully, I was fucking tired from building myself up in hope of some good news about Bella, only for it to be shattered when nothing really had been found.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, so I pulled it out and read the text quietly:

I'm here.

I looked up at the main doors and smiled at her and watched her golden blonde hair sway around her shoulders, while it rested on top of her checked shirt as she approached me.

"Let me get that."

I grabbed the large fucking girly holdall that she carried around with her. I never understood why she would pack so much shit for one night, two at the most; but as she reminded me so many times, she was a girl and girls needed more shit.

"Thanks, Edward, where are we going this time?" she asked, her voice sounded tired. I looked closely at her, she had dark circles under her eyes and her face was pale, very pale.

"Um, San Francisco." I paused while she just nodded her head, she really did look too pale.

"Rose, you feeling okay?"

She sighed, "Yeah, I'm fine."

I did not believe her, her eyes looked sad, and her face was drawn, as if she had been up all night worrying about something. I arched my right eyebrow to let her know I wasn't buying her story.

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Sweets." She gave me a small smile asking me to leave her alone. So I did. For now.

We made it to San Francisco almost three hours later. The sky was getting dark, and my body was getting tired, but my mind was alive. A thousand different scenarios were forming in my head of what I may find tonight. What if this girl is Bella? Then what? Do I ask Charlie to fly down here, or do I send the body up to Forks? What if it isn't, Bella? Do I keep looking for her while I'm here? My mind was thinking of practical solutions while my heart felt like it was breaking again from the idea of that dead girl being Bella.

We checked into the Millbrae California Green Hotel, as it was the closest hotel to the fucking airport that had rooms available at short notice. I just wanted to get to the hospital and get this shit over with. We had done this so many fucking times before, that I was good at blocking out the event; but somehow today it was different. I was sacred shitless that this feeling may mean that it was Bella this time, that my gut was wrong, and I would never get her back.

"Good evening, Sir," an older woman greeted me huskily.

I sighed and nodded my head in disgust, this women was about forty. She looked good for her age, with her long blonde hair and glassy eyes, but she was about the same age as my mother. She had a twinkle in her eye and licked her lips while she stared at me. I knew the signs. Women would hit on me all the time, but I really was not in the mood for this shit. The fact the Rosalie was standing next to me, her small hand linked with mine, obviously meant nothing to the woman behind the desk.

"Cullen," I grunted at her, trying not to make eye contact.

"Oh yes, here we are, Cullen, room 32." Rose stepped in front of me, grabbed our keys, and gave the woman a huge dazzling smile.

"Come on, Honey, let's go to our room." She emphasized the word our, and I just smiled at the woman as a scowl appeared on her face.

"Lead the way, Baby."

The room was small but cozy. There was a large king sized bed in the middle of the room with bedside cabinets at each side. The walls were beige with a painting above the bed.

I placed our bags on the desk in front of me and turned around to find Rose sitting on the edge of the bed. She was putting her hair into a high ponytail. I stared at her for a couple of minutes.

There was no doubt that Rose was a beautiful woman- she was tall, curvy, blonde, and had a passion for cars. She could bring any man to his knees and was unbelievably loyal to the people she loved.

She was my best friend.

She was also Bella's best friend, and was the only person who stood by me in everything I did. She supported me when I changed my major and never judged my reasons for doing it. She has joined me on every trip I have taken to find Bella. She was the only person that sat beside my hospital bed, all-night, waiting for me to wake after I tried to fucking end my life. She was the one who broke my nose when she found a bag of coke in my flat. She was the one who was with me when I brought Tanya home for the first time. Tanya was the one that made me feel something again. She made me want to live, to love. Rosalie was the one who guided me, supported me, believed in me, and listened to me cry about my heartache.

Rose was always the strong one in our relationship.

But right now, she looked weak and vulnerable- she didn't look like Rose I knew.

I moved and sat beside her and placed my arm around her waist so she wouldn't try to move away.

"Rose?"

She turned and looked at me- her big blue eyes were glassed over with tears.

"Talk to me. We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."

She sighed and wiped the tears that had fallen. She whispered something so low I couldn't hear.

"What?"

Still not looking at me she answered, a little louder this time.

"I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant? Rose look at me, please?"

She lifted her head and turned toward me. Pregnant? I'm sure my face showed how shocked I was, but I tried to keep my emotion in check.

"Why are crying? Don't you want this?" I asked.

"Agh, I do. I've always wanted kids, you know that; but I wanted to be married first, with a job and house." She pulled away from my arms and started to pace the tiny floor in front of me.

"How am I going to look after a baby, Edward? I'm still at college, I don't have any money, and I live in a dorm with three other girls."

"Who's the dad?" I asked. Rose wasn't the type of girl who would just sleep with a guy because she felt like it. So I had an idea who it was, and I was praying I was wrong.

The look on her face told me that I wasn't

"For fucks sake Rose! After everything he's done, you go back with him?" I was trying not to shout at her, she was upset enough.

"He's changed?"

"Really, have you fucking told him?" She just nodded her head, telling me she hadn't told him.

"Why not? If he's changed so fucking much, then why have you not told him?" I yelled at her.

"I thought he had changed his mind about us, I thought he wanted to get back together," she yelled back at me, a sob escaped her.

"He told me that he was sorry, that he still loved me, but didn't want to be with me." Her voice broke at the end. I moved across the room and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she still loved Emmett, he was her Bella. I just never understood why he dumped her when he needed her the most and continues to push her away.

"Shh, it will be ok, I promise."

"Can we talk about this later? We need to get to the hospital right now," she mumbled into my chest. I ran my hand up and down her back hoping to comfort her in some way.

"Okay. We will talk about this later, everything will be okay. I promise, Rose." I looked into her eyes, my green on her blue, making sure she knew how serious I was. She nodded her head, again, that she understood.

"I'm just going to wash my face then we can go."

I now hated fucking hospitals- the antiseptic and old food smells, the coldness, even the sound of everyone's fucking shoes got on my nerves.

I no longer believed it to be a place for people to heal, for doctors to save lives, and for children to be miraculously brought into the world. Now it was a building that was full of individuals suffering in pain, ready to die and leave this world- which left their families to be ripped apart at having their loved one's lives be stolen from them.

It was a place that I now feared.

My biggest fear was that it would be in a hospital morgue where I would have to say goodbye to my love after I looked upon her lifeless body laid out on a cold stainless steel table draped in a starchy white sheet. I thought it would get easier the more I did this, but every time I stood outside the swinging doors, I found it harder to force myself through them.

I paced outside the doors where I knew the girl- that Jenks believed to be my Bella- lay behind. My hands felt hot and sweaty, and the acid was rolling around in my stomach which made me nauseated- waiting for the exit sign up to my throat. My mind was praying that it was not her, that I could spend at least one more day believing she was out there, alive.

After about half an hour Rose and I walked through the doors. I always called them the doors of destruction- no matter who was behind those doors, somebody was losing a loved one. Someone's life was being destroyed. Please don't let it be mine?

Rose grabbed my hand squeezing it hard. I knew this was just as hard for her- Bella was like a sister to Rose. Over the last four years, she has become like sister to me, and I was fucking grateful she was here.

I stared at the glass window- which separated us, in a smaller room, from the body inside the main room of the morgue- waiting for the curtains to open. My body felt so heavy, so heavy that it was almost falling to the ground. I squeezed Rose's hand tighter, trying to hold onto something that was real because this didn't feel real. It never did.

"Edward, breath," Rose whispered into my ear.

I closed my eyes really tight and started to take deep breaths. I felt like I was drunk, my body was shaking and my head felt like it was swaying as if I was standing on a boat. I guessed it was also like I was floating, but I couldn't get off the ground, as my body was weighted down. I was always nervous and felt the nausea in my stomach when viewing a body- the feelings were almost the same as when you are waiting for the dentist to pull your teeth out, or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as you wait for the big drop on rollercoaster rides.

But this feeling was more than ever, it was deeper, and it was scaring the shit out of me.

"Edward, are you going to be okay?"

I just nodded my head. I was scared the nausea would have finally made its way up to my throat.

"The curtains are opening," she informed me.

I could do this. It is not Bella, it is not Bella.

I felt Rose gasp and throw her head into my chest which made my eyes fly open.

There, laid out on a cold table, was a young girl about nineteen, twenty. She had long brown hair that flowed down the side of her body. Her face was pale and innocent- she looked like she was sleeping. I could see the bruises around her neck. She was murder, someone had marked her body.

I felt the burn in my stomach build as I stared that the girl, it grew stronger the longer I stared.

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't move my body, all of it shook.

It felt like I was standing there for hours, even though it was only minutes, maybe even seconds. I tried to take a deep breath when I realized I was a panting a little.

My brain was telling me to look away, but my eyes refused to move, freezing my body in place.

That changed the moment that burning began to become too much, and I turned around, pulled away from Rosalie, and heaved into the corner of the room.

Oh, poor Edward. What do you think. PLease review.