Disclaimer: I neither own any cartoon characters nor Spike TV's hit "The Deadliest Warrior" This is just for pure entertainment and not to be taken seriously…
Narrator: Bugs Bunny, Warner Bros' famous wisecracking trickster who nearly outwitted any opponent he came across.
(We see clips Bugs Bunny in his many episodes of outsmarting Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, and various other villains.)
Narrator: Mickey Mouse, the world's most beloved and charming cartoon mouse by Disney. He is the most kind hearted ruler and the fiercest fighter known throughout the universe.
(We see Mickey Mouse wielding a Keyblade as he performs many acrobatic jumps and flips while slashing through several Heartless with ease.)
These two famous rodents are mascots of the two greatest rivals in networking history since their debut.
(The screen shows a clip of the Mickey Mouse episode Steamboat Willie, and then cutaway to Bugs Bunny's official debut of A Wild Hare.)
Narrator: WHO…IS…THE…DEADLIEST?
(The two characters fight each other for the battle of their lives)
Narrator: They will resolve their rivalry once and for all, by a duel to the death with neither rules nor mercy. Who will win as the sole survivor? Who will ascend to the throne as the only true cartoon leader? Only on…
DEADLIEST CARTOON CHARACTER
The scene now shows inside building where sounds of fighting are heard. Various weapons, targets, and animal carcasses are displayed along with some high tech looking gear.
Narrator: Inside the fight club, the host of the fan fiction had gathered the contenders' friends and their inventions to test on who will win a match between Bugs Bunny
Bugs' Stats:
First year of appearance: 1940
Episode name: A Wild Hare
Owned by: Time Warner
Creator: Tex Avery
Narrator: And Mickey Mouse
Mickey's Stats:
First year of appearance: 1928
Episode name: Steamboat Willie
Owned by: The Walt Disney Corporation
Creator: Walt Disney
Team Bugs Bunny is represented by two of his colleagues… rival Daffy Duck and Porky Pig.
For Team Mickey Mouse have its own counterparts, Donald Duck and Goofy.
Narrator: The two teams are confident that star will win.
"There's a reason why the rabbit doesn't have a key shaped doo-hickey for a weapon of his own is that he simply doesn't need one." Daffy said confidently with his trademark lisp. "He'll wipe that cheese eater off the map!"
"You g-g-g-got to be p-p-p-p-pretty d-d-d-d-foolish to think he'll lose." Porky stuttered, agreeing to his narcissistic partner.
Back to Mickey's team, Donald's thick duck accent will be translated through an interpreter…
"Mickey losing that mischievous palooka?" Donald asked astounded. "That's a load of phooey"
"A-ha-yuck! Mickey's been always with us through and through, he'll definitely win!" Goofy…well guffawed.
Narrator: The teams brought four of their friends' greatest weapons…
Bugs' weapons:
Mallet
Double-barreled shotgun
Cream Pie
Cartoon Bomb
Mickey's weapons:
Keyblade
Fire Spell Attack
Reflect Spell Attack
Gravity Spell Attack
Narrator: Testing for close range combat is the classic cartoon weapon, the mallet. A large hammer simply made out of wood, it is for using smashing watermelons, various carpentry, and basic comic antic.
Daffy pulls up the wooden weapon to some various targets, a watermelon, a nail on board, and a skull. All in the same testing table.
"Let's get dangerous!" He called out, referencing a certain 90s duck superhero show.
He smashes the fruit with ease as chunks of fruit and rind sprayed all over the set and into his black feathers, then he goes for the nails, and driven into one blow. Finally when he reached for the skull, it took several tries before eventually cracking.
"See? Good and dead." The black duck announced, while breathing heavily from both adrenaline and exhaustion.
But the cumbersome, heavy weapon doesn't impress Team Mickey.
"There's no way Mickey will just stand there like a lump and take a hit from that." Donald counteracted. To prove his point, he brings up the Keyblade named Kingdom Key. A sharp sword shaped like a common door-opening tool, this is a weapon designed for slaying Heartless.
The white duck walks pass his WB counterpart and walks up to a gel torso. Suddenly, within a second, Donald goes berserk on the target. Slashing and hacking away, as chunks of gel, fake blood, and fake organs bits flew across the room. Finally, he stopped, and the upper top of the torso toppled to the floor. Donald stabbed the remaining torso to prove his point.
Narrator: Mickey's Keyblade is light enough to carry and provides deadly precision and damage at the same time. While the mallet is heavy to lumber around and it took several attempts to crack the skull. Edge goes to Mickey Mouse
Edge: Mickey Mouse
Narrator: Happily that they got the edge, the team will use the Fire attack for their Long Range.
Goofy walks up to a wooden dummy with a Keyblade Spellbinder in his hand. Despite his disdain for weapons, he will accept using one for the sake of testing.
"Fire!" The humanoid dog called out, and the dummy burst into flames. The dummy continues to immolate as Goofy performs the spell several times, with the same results. However, on the last target, one of the sparks landed on Goofy's pants. Goofy didn't noticed at first, until he starts smelling.
"Hey, something smells great!" He said with his mouth watering. "Is something cooking some meat around here?"
"No, but the buns are…your buns!" Donald pointed out, as Goofy realized that his butt is burning. Goofy now did, what anyone else would do…by screaming his head off…
"YAH-HOO-HOO-HOOEY!" Goofy screaming out his trademark scream and ran in circles in panic.
Fortunately, the rival team felt merciful by pouring buckets of water on to him. It finally put the fire out and soaked Goofy at the same time.
"Thanks…" He sighed in relief and spitting the excess liquid out.
Narrator: Now, Team Bugs Bunny brought their answer to the Fire spell in the front line. The double-barreled shotgun, a weapon of choice for hunting rascally rabbits.
"Well, gwarsh, I might be wrong and all, but ain't that weapon fit more for Elmer Fudd?" Goofy asked to his rival next to him while scratching his head.
"True, but B-b-b-bugs faced this weapon s-s-s-several times." Porky replied with a nod. "In fact, h-h-he even c-c-c-confiscated some of it for h-h-h-himself."
Porky walked into a firing range with several dummies, each filled with fake blood. Then at the final countdown the pig open fired both shells at once. Shotgun pellets struck the three dummies and fake blood oozed to the floor. But Porky isn't finished; he reloaded the shotgun, and fired off one round at a time at two targets. Both of the targets starting to "bleed."
Narrator: The Doubled Barreled shotgun proves devastating results over several targets while in spite that Fire can be performed several times, over the slower reloading time of the shotgun. Fire can only hit one target at a time.
Edge: Bugs Bunny
Narrator: Next is Mid Range, with Team Bugs Bunny bringing a Cream Pie. This delicious dessert got famous for many comedic routines in many cartoons, as well as satisfying a person's sweet tooth.
"This isn't just for dessert pal." Daffy informing the reader, "In fact, this is a weapon that we cartoons fight with all the time to distract, run away, or even go for the kill."
He walks up to a dummy with Bugs Bunny's face in it, and the mallard proceeds to hurl the pastry at the target. The pie landed with precise accuracy with a definitive splat.
"Tada!" Daffy said proudly as he bowed, and then suddenly another pie flew from off screen, and hits him in the face.
"Just my luck…" He mutters angrily, while whipping away the excess pie. Then he tasted some of it. "Mmm, banana cream!"
Narrator: Pie doesn't offer any kills but finishing off from a meal according to Team Mickey. With them, they have the Reflect spell, which is a defensive spell that can protect and damages any attack from the user.
"Heh, pies are meant for eating, not for fighting!" Donald scoffed. "We have an actual weapon unlike these knock-offs."
He walks in the middle of the firing range where a couple of tennis ball launchers fired at the duck. He cast the spell with a wave of his staff and the spell took effect as the projectiles froze in midair by the field of energy. Then it fired back at the launchers, destroying them all in the process.
Narrator: Edge gets to Mickey Mouse for the offensive and defensive capabilities of the Reflect spell.
Edge: Mickey Mouse
Narrator: Finally, for the special weapons. Team Mickey has a devastating spell simply called Gravity. It creates a miniature black hole that will suck any enemy in and crushes with its massive weight.
Goofy walks up with the Spellbinder Keyblade walks to a stand with a cow carcass hanging by a hook. He instantly casts Gravity and a black hole appeared on top on the carcass and engulfs its in the darkness as sounds of bones breaking are heard. When it finally dissipates, the carcass was compressed into a mound of meat and broken bones. He casts it again, this time it has completely been flatten. Goofy attempts for a third time, but now just ran out of mana to continue.
Narrator: Team Bugs Bunny had more one weapon in their arsenal for the special weapons. The classic Cartoon Bomb, a black ball filled with explosives, and a fuse on top. The weapon blows its victims to kingdom come.
Porky Pig walks inside to a Plexiglas room with the cartoon bomb, he lights it up, and throws it at the nearby cow carcass. As Porky leaves the room, the bomb detonated in time. When the smoke cleared, shards of shrapnel struck the flesh, and into the bone. Some of the fat even got burned to a crisp. But the porcine fellow isn't finished, he lit two more bombs, and throws at the already downed slab of meat. An even larger explosion occurred, and as the smoke cleared, left a smoldering pile of burnt meat.
Narrator: By the pure destruction of the Cartoon Bomb, it now has the edge compared to the mana draining Gravity Spell.
Edge: Bugs Bunny
Narrator: Testing is now complete; it is time to who is more superior. We now upload the data gathered from the tests into a battle simulation, developed by Slitherine Studios. To avoid a lucky shot, we will simulate the battle a thousand times on a battle between to geniuses.
Cruel Trickery Vs Kindheartedness
(We show a movie clip of Bugs Bunny outsmarting Elmer Fudd by throwing a pie into his face. Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse is at his throne talking to his subjects with a kind smile with the subjects smiling at him back.)
Bravery Vs Sneaky Tactics
(The mouse warrior is seen charging towards various Heartless with valor, and then shows the rabbit sneaking up behind Yosemite Sam, and kicking him in the butt.)
Carrots or Cheese
(Bugs Bunny is taking a mighty bite of his carrot and Mickey Mouse is at a dining table with some fine cheese.)
WHO…IS…DEADLIEST?
The screen went all "Matrix" before revealing the Simulation.
Simulation: Bugs Bunny is came out of his hole to start in a beautiful day, as he took a bite of his carrot he sees someone charging towards him. The rabbit looked on curiously as the runner gotten closer to be Mickey Mouse in his Kingdom Hearts persona. He then asked the mouse…
"Eh, what's up doc?"
"Are you working for Pete and the others?" Mickey asked suspiciously while pointing his Keyblade towards the carrot-munching smart aleck.
"What on Earth are you talking about Mac?" the confused bunny said raising his eyebrow.
"If you're not going to answer, then I'm afraid that I'll have to defeat you!" Mickey said and instantly swipes his blade onto the rabbit. Bugs was able to dodge just in time as he said…
"Of course you know this means war…"
Bugs Bunny whips out his mallet and hits Mickey, but the mouse sidesteps away in time, and slashes Bugs in the shoulder. The rabbit looks at his gash, and realizing that Mickey's no ordinary opponent. So, he hits the hole to retreat. However, Mickey isn't finished and casts fire into the hole to flush him out.
Meanwhile, Bugs sneaks by burrowing behind Mickey, and pops out with the double-barreled shotgun. Mickey caught wind of this, and back flips in the air to avoid Bugs' shots. As Bugs quickly reloads and fires again, Mickey automatically casts reflect, leaving himself safe. The buckshot fires back at Bugs, who immediately ducks away but at the cost of the shotgun destroyed by the flying shot in the process.
Bugs attempts to hit him head on by popping up from a different burrow, and charges with his mallet. Mickey was able to block in time, but the force of Bugs' hidden strength sent the mouse sliding under his feet. The king retaliates by kicking him in the stomach, causing the trickster to stumble backward, and Mickey begins to swing mercilessly with his Keyblade. However, Bugs is also swift and ducks most the swipes in time, while blocking most in the process. Then, returns with a barrage of mallet swings at the Mouse. With one of them, finally connects the mouse, and sending him flying.
Mickey landed on his feet safely, and tosses his Keyblade like a boomerang, surprising the rabbit. Bugs begin to burrow again for safety, but Mickey then casts Gravity into the hole, hopefully crushing the rabbit. The entire underground collapsed by the weight, and Mickey jumped into a tree for safety. Thinking that it's over, Mickey jumped off after the spell ended, and begins to walk away. He stopped to find that his opponent is standing next to him, realizing that he escaped just in time.
Not holding back anymore, Mickey leaps towards the rabbit. But at the last second, Bugs threw a pie into Mickey's face, and causing the mouse king to crash behind him. Mickey manages to wipe the cream off his face, and sees his opponent is running away. Bugs sees that Mickey is catching up to him, and throws couple of more pies into him. This time, Mickey is prepared as he dodged some of them, slashed most of them, and cast reflect again on the rest to fire back at the thrower.
Most of the flying pies missed Bugs, but one of them hits him on the face. Bugs try to wipe it away quickly, but Mickey shoulder dashed him, and pinning him in the ground in the process. The long eared trickster desperately tries to hold him back, avoiding to get stabbed. He reaches for the mallet in time, and hits Mickey in the ribs sending him flying. Mickey tries to regain his composure and attempts to get up, but sees Bugs running towards him. So, he attempts to cast fire but the rabbit caught wind, dodged the blasts, and threw his mallet at his hand.
The flying hammer not only knocked the weapon out of Mickey's hand, but breaking it too. Mickey tries to get up, but got kicked in the process. Suddenly, he heard a hissing sound, and sees Bugs Bunny with the cartoon bomb.
"Here's a present for you bub!" He said with a sinister smirk while throwing it into Mickey's face with finishing off with... "Ain't I a stinker?"
Mickey too injured and panicked to throw away, can only watch the fuse slowly burning away, and the rabbit running away. When Bugs finally running into a safe distance, he stops, and sees a large explosion erupts throughout the forest with a large BOOM! Bugs Bunny now roars victoriously through the air
Winner: Bugs Bunny
Narrator: One of the closest matches ever, Bugs Bunny barely won with 550 of the kills with the cartoon bomb in the lead, and Mickey Mouse got a close second with 450 with his Keyblade. The rabbit's experience of tricking and outwitting his foes was too much for the ruler of Disney. Who the latter's experience as a trickster dimmed over in compared to his long eared rival.
Bugs Bunny's kills: 550
Mallet: 100
Double-barreled shotgun: 150
Cream Pie: 50
Cartoon Bomb: 250
Mickey Mouse's kills: 450
Keyblade: 250
Fire: 50
Reflect: 60
Gravity: 90
Discussion at the fight club, the two team talk about the outcome.
"What I tell ya? They're despicable to think the rabbit will lose!" Daffy said smugly. "Nice guys finish last."
"The Kingdom H-h-h-hearts fans will surely be p-p-p-p-displeased." Porky said. "B-b-b-but the test doesn't lie."
"Ahh, phooey!" Said the disgruntled Donald. "Mickey is someone we always can count on, not some carrot eating knock-off."
"Gwarsh, I didn't even thought that Bugs could win." Goofy says bewilderedly.
Scene then shows Bugs munching a carrot in satisfaction.
The end!
Author's note: If you're mad that your favorite character lost, then tough crap. I said it's for entertainment and I'll repeat it again and again.
Anyone interested for me making more fight requests. Just comment away! Criticisms are accepted as long as they are CONSTRUCTIVE. Meaning tell me why you don't like about it (But if you're a fan and still got pissed despite the warnings earlier, then you're an idiot.) or what I need to improve.
