What was a Valentine's wedding without pink champagne? Derek stared morosely at the bottle. For some odd reason, he'd expected something less tacky from Callie Torres, but then again, she'd showed deplorable taste in friends by including his ex-wife in her bridal party and she had married Mark. So, a lavish wedding with champagne rosИ was oddly appropriate. He was sure it was a step up from her impulsive first marriage... At least 'Sloan' didn't rhyme with her own name. Callie O'Malley sounded like a leprechaun.

The kitchen was silent now that the happy couple had carted off Addison's latest conquest to patch him up -- who knew the guy'd bleed like a little pig? Meredith had gone to change out of her sugarcoated dress and Derek was all alone with his bottle of bubbly. He slowly rotated the bottle as he uncorked it, so it'd open with a whispery hiss instead of a pop. Addison had taught him that -- it wasted less of the drink and the oxygenation was even distributed. She'd also said it was called 'le soupir amoureux,' the loving sigh. It had sounded ever so romantic back then, when she could make words like 'oxygenation' sound sexy by the way they rolled off her tongue.

Derek had thought he'd never see her again and he was genuinely happy about that. Then she'd shown up for this wedding, which doubled as a romantic weekend getaway for Meredith and himself, with her man candy in tow. She'd set tongues wagging about how lovely she was and what a sweetheart her gentleman was. Yeah, right. Derek snorted as he poured some champagne in the nearest glass he could find. Even his own damn family seemed slightly besotted in Cooper Freedman, kiddie doctor extraordinaire. Then again, Derek had four sisters and he suspected that all of them had slept with Mark at some point, so they clearly didn't have the best taste in men.

The interloper even had the audacity to try to pass himself off as a surgeon. As if! A pediatric surgeon would serve as the matching pair to Addison's skills as a neonatal specialist. There was clearly an inferiority complex at play there, and how could she even consider having that man's children? Derek had waited years for her to be ready for a family! Now, he was waiting for Meredith to decide to move in with him and he was nowhere nearer to having any kids than he'd been ten years before. Addison hadn't known this pediatrician a few months ago and already they were planning to contribute to the overpopulation.

It was ridiculous, all of it.

He drank a mouthful of the champagne, letting it hiss in his mouth before he swallowed, wishing it was scotch. If Derek had to put up with his adulterous witch of an ex-wife and her oh-so-perfect date, he would need real alcohol, and a lot more than one glass of premium pink he didn't like anyway.

"I thought you didn't drink pink champagne."

Speak of the devil, Derek thought as he watched Addison approach him, her lips curling up into a smirk. Just charming, really. Having his ex-wife come to either mock him or else bitch at him for not adoring her new boyfriend was going to be the cherry on top of this miserable sundae of woe. It wasn't like Meredith wasn't pissed off enough at him already, she'd been whining at him all day and he'd have to manipulate her into sex the coming evening.

"Yeah, well, my need for alcohol outweighs whatever color the booze might be."

He scowled at her, growing angrier as her smirk grew bigger. She was having a grand old time today, ruining his romantic weekend with Meredith, and flaunting her baby making scheme right in front of him. He drained his champagne flute and set it down roughly on the table, watching it wobble briefly before falling off the edge and smashing onto the floor. Fucking fantastic.

"I'm sure it must be taxing to hit my date." Addison rolled her eyes, but Derek could detect a trace of ire in her voice. She hadn't been angry when he'd decked Mark back at Seattle Grace, and that fact pissed him off even more. "Being an ass must be absolutely exhausting."

Derek glowered at her, wondering how she always knew just when to show up and torment him. "What's so great about the guy?" She seemed to have a sixth sense in that respect and swooped in to ruin things, whenever he had a chance at being happy. "He hid in the pantry to eavesdrop on people! Tell me that's not seriously creepy."

He looked at the way she pursed her lips and crossed her arms, emphasizing her cleavage in that dress. She was such a slut, trying to distract him with her long legs and red hair. Next thing Derek knew, he was holding a fistful of that hair, forcing Addison's head back as he attacked her neck with his lips, tongue and teeth. Her skin was soft and cool, and they stumbled sideways, toward the pantry, when he pulled impatiently on the shoulder straps of her bridesmaid dress.

xo xo xo

His left nostril was fitted with a super absorbent Tampax to stem the blood flow and the newlyweds were staring at him, heads pressed together as if they were surveying a crime scene. Cooper decided they'd have pretty eyed babies too, just like his immaculately conceived offspring with Addison. Callie had dark velvet eyes and Hahn was right, Sloan really was so much prettier than Derek Shepherd. The other guy didn't have the dense eyelashes Cooper did, so Addison would be much better off borrowing his genes for her munchkin.

"He's not too coordinated, is he?" Callie squinted at him as she dabbed at the cut on his forehead. Cooper winced and tried hard not to whimper. It really stung. "It hurts a lot less if you hit the other guy."

The tampon string fluttered, tickling his lips as Cooper tried to breathe through his mouth and pretend this hadn't turned out to be the worst Valentine's Day in his life. That included the day in preschool when he ate the macaroni that had been glued to his homemade Valentine card, the one for his mom. Cooper had had to have his stomach pumped because of the toxins in the glitter paint and all in all, it had been a defining moment.

"Yeah, no point in doing the dirty work for Derek," Mark grinned, clearly enjoying the scene. He clapped Cooper on the shoulder, and this time Cooper did whimper, loudly.

"I didn't bean to!" he protested, his voice coming out stuffy, most likely due to the feminine hygiene product stuffed up his nose. He tried again, and this time he sounded clearer. "I was oxygen deprived!"

Getting his ass kicked by Addison's ex, in front of a lot of really hot women, was humiliating enough without his grand finale of smacking himself in the face with a shoe and getting knocked out. His head hurt, his face hurt, and rendering himself unconscious might have been the best thing to happen all day, since it prevented Derek Shepherd from choking him to death.

"Well, it's the thought that counts," Callie smiled slightly. "You're the first guy I've seen Addison with who actually is sweet. Good for her!"

Yeah, that pretty much summed it up. He was the sweet guy who passed by unnoticed because women liked the edgy danger of the pretty-faced bad boys.

"Hey!"

The smarmy Dereks, mysterious Petes and over-sexed Marks would always get the girl. Not that Cooper wanted Addison or anything, but she should still have warned him about the homicidal ex-husband, since he was doing her a favor by renting a tux. His good shirt was ruined now too.

Callie looked up at her husband of two hours and scoffed, "You are many things, Mark, but dreamy isn't one of them."

For a pair who got married at a grand to-do on the sickliest holiday of the year, they certainly didn't fit the bill of the lovey-dovey, touchy-feely, kiss-you-till-you-suffocate couples. They seemed more like the kind who thought tenderness was for sissies and angry sex was a display of affection.

"I can be dreamy!" Mark insisted stubbornly, giving his wife a pouty look. "I'm good at the romantic fluffy bits! Remember how I made O'Malley hold that wedding dress for hours?" He grinned at Callie. "It was all for you, honey."

Cooper could see her trying not to smile, and felt even more depressed. What was the point of being a good guy? All it got you was the opportunity to comfort the girl you wanted, after she was crushed by the asshat, only to see her go running back for more. That, and getting beat up by surprisingly strong, albeit shrimpy little twerps. He wanted to be badass too! He wanted to swoop in and just once, sweep the girl away. At least online, he could pretend to be a stud.

"The way you asked me to move to LA was certainly dreamy," Callie agreed, grinning at him. "'Wanna move to the boob job capital of the country with me?' is so much more romantic than 'Will you marry me?'"

"You're boving to LA?" Cooper blurted out, his voice coming out stuffy again in his surprise. Not that Addison's friends moving to Southern California was a bad thing, but Cooper would never hear the end of it if this story ever got back to the Oceanside group.

"We're moving into our new place as soon as we get back from the honeymoon." Mark added, puffing up like a peacock for some reason. "They begged me to take the Head of Plastics post at St. Ambrose, and Callie's on the ortho staff."

So they weren't just moving to LA, they would be working right next door. Cooper sighed, trying to figure out if that was good or bad, and accidentally tried to shove the tampon up his brain when he leaned against his hand. He winced. They seemed nice, although it would make things wildly complicated to say the least, since they thought he was Addison's boyfriend.

He liked being Addison's pretend-boyfriend with a cute ass and a sweet disposition, who'd make lovely imaginary babies, but he wasn't sure how he'd keep up that charade in front of all his friends and coworkers. Especially since Addison probably didn't want a pantry-lurker for a fake significant other and Cooper was having all his hot, dirty sex with the woman who'd be Sloan's boss lady. He was so incredibly screwed.

"I have to say, that knockout blow was most impressive." Mark grinned so broadly that Cooper wanted to smile too, even though it wasn't the least bit funny. "Your aim sucked, granted, but the force you delivered it with was really good."

"Is it broken?" Cooper wanted to know, the tampon string brushing his finger as he pointed up at his nose. Not like it mattered so much, really, given that it would still hurt regardless, but he kept having the horrible image in his head of his nose looking like Derek Shepherd's. Why couldn't he have at least gotten in some good licks of his own against the guy?

"I could give you a good deal on rhinoplasty." Mark leaned over his wife's shoulder to feel Cooper's nose, but more importantly it seemed, so he could peer down her dress. "These hands are the hottest commodity in plastics."

Moving swiftly, he copped a feel of what he evidently considered a hot commodity of his wife's and Cooper's eyes widened when Callie's hand shot out to grab Sloan's crotch. "Not in front of the guests, dear," she smiled sweetly at both men. "We can have hot, sweaty, half-naked sex in the kitchen pantry when I've patched up Cooper's boo boo and sent him off to Addison to kiss it all better."

xo xo xo

Addison moaned, low and slow, against his skin. Her hand was in his hair, scratching his scalp and he was fucking her hard. The shelves behind her back were creaking ominously, but Derek couldn't be bothered. She was so damn hot. Hot and wet and he groaned, louder than he was comfortable with doing in the present company, in response to her muscles squeezing him mercilessly. She was obviously serious about her Kegel exercises -- he felt like he could blow like a champagne bottle at any moment. It was like being possessed by a succubus, all hot and evil.

Her hair tousled and lips swollen from their kisses, Addison was the very picture of seductive. The dress was pulled down, baring a breast to his view and touch, and bunched up around her midriff, leaving her legs in plain view, hip to overpriced heel. She was wearing those fancy stockings which stayed up by themselves, her skin above the lace was smooth and warm, and Derek couldn't remember the last time he'd been this excited about a quickie.

Actually, it reminded him of the early stage of their relationship when they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Fucking in a pantry at a friend's wedding would be completely normal for them -- hell, they'd gone at it in the potting shed at Kathleen's wedding, knocking over his mother's azalea and getting ass splinters from the work bench, so this was nothing new for them. Nothing new at all, if you overlooked the fact that they were divorced and in relationships with other people.

Addison had cheated on Derek with Mark and on Mark with God knew who. Now she was cheating on her new boyfriend with her ex-husband at her lover's wedding. Her breath hitched in her throat every time his pubic bone came into contact with her clit and his muscles quivered with the effort of driving into her as Derek kept her pinned up against the jars of pickle. No moral fortitude, that was what was wrong with her.

"Derek," she moaned, her face flushed and her breath hot against his face.

He'd always found it hot when Addison used his name while they were fucking, and this was no exception. He wondered if he could get her to scream it when she came -- he was betting she only had very polite and considerate sex with her soulful baby daddy. Well, screw that. Derek would give her orgasms alright, but there'd be nothing genteel about them.

He hiked up her left leg, the one resting over his arm, higher and swiveled his hips on the upstroke. Oh God, but this was the best damn sex he'd had in a long time! Actually, probably since the prom and his exam room fuck with Meredith. Goddammit! It had all seemed so clear then, that he'd realized his mistake and left Addison, and now... Now she was making little sex noises, her fingers and nails digging into his muscles, as her head lolled back onto the shelf.

Living with Meredith's ups and downs made Derek feel disconnected, like he was her sex toy and he couldn't get her to commit to any of the things he wanted. A house, a home, a family. A life together! He ran his tongue along Addison's exposed throat, sensing the rapid flutter of her pulse, like a tiny butterfly, and felt like he might implode. After eleven years of miserable marriage, Addison suddenly got her shit together and rubbed her whirlwind romance right in his face. She was such a fucking bitch.

Derek had been in lust all over again from the moment she'd waltzed in through the doorway the other day, in her strappy heels and a yellow sundress that enfolded, enhanced and enticed. He couldn't think, couldn't focus on a single thing Meredith said and this was supposed to double as their romantic getaway! It was his one shot at convincing his girlfriend to give him what he wanted and all he could think about was touching his ex-wife's unblemished skin.

She'd been all hot and so charming that no one could resist her. She even had Torres, Callie's old man, wrapped around her finger and of course, the kiddie doctor acted like Addison was the perfect woman instead of a cheating whore. Except her boyfriend didn't know she was in here, in the pantry, fucking Derek while he bled all over his shirt. Some perfect woman she was.

Derek would have rolled his eyes, but all his energy was going into not coming before she did. He'd never hear the end of it, if that happened, but he could feel his balls tightening further in warning.

"Come for me," he whispered. "Addison... come for me." Just a puff of breath into her ear, "Please."

A can toppled over and rolled over the edge of the shelf as the pace grew more frantic. They were both bracing against the structure and Derek wove their fingers together, making Addison whimper in the process as it drew her extended leg up closer to her chest and changed the angle of his thrust.

Her hand squeezed his hard. "Derek." It sounded suspiciously like a sob, but then he felt Addison's teeth sink into his neck and everything tunneled down to the pleasure he felt when her muscles clamped down on him and he exploded.

After, he was shoved away and Addison was trying to work herself back into her bra and her dress. She wouldn't look at him and Derek touched the tendon she'd bit. It would bruise like a bitch, but right now, he didn't care too much. Watching his ex-wife, he absently stuffed himself back into his pants. He should have cleaned up a bit first, but there was nothing to use short of the skirt of Addison's dress and asking her if she had a Kleenex or two seemed out of the question too.

She turned toward him, her maelstrom eyes a cold blue despite the rosy hue of her skin and Derek wanted to mock the sex hair she sported. It was wild and cute. He couldn't help but smile and it was even one of his dreamy ones. A feat considering this was his adulterous ex-wife, but he'd just had hot, steamy pantry sex and could afford to be generous.

Addison came closer and he briefly wondered if she would kiss him or snatch him bald-headed. Doing neither, Derek felt her press something soft into his hand and close his fingers around it. "A memento," she smiled, "Something for Meredith to remember me by," as she walked out of the pantry and left him staring at her panties in his hand.