Part Two: The Story Of Your Heaven
First Trial
Castiel stretched in the bed as he felt the warm rays of sun caressing his skin. This was so familiar; so inviting.
When Cas first got to heaven, he saw that the gates were barred and Peter refused him entry. Peter claimed the angel recall was done and no more were allowed to enter nor leave. He was somewhat confused at how Castiel was an angel at all, considering the decree that God had made, which only made his suspicions worse. He demanded Cas depart immediately.
Fortunately, Cas remembered the back doors set up by Metatron. The playground portal still existed, but there was no sentinel to guard and activate it. Cas used his Grace to activate the one he found, essentially slipping in through the cracks, and got direct expressed into heaven.
The next thing he remembers, he was waking up in this room. Cas opened his eyes and looked around. Propping on one elbow, he took in his surroundings.
He was laying in a motel room bed that seemed oddly familiar. The curtains were pulled back and sun cascaded gloriously around him. Cas closed his eyes and hummed in the warmth.
This must be Dean's path. His journey through heaven. Each soul, when they first arrived, had the opportunity to relive the best moments of their lives before finding and staking claim to their piece of Final Heaven. It would make sense for Cas to be drawn to these memories since he very likely played a starring role in some of them. What he didn't understand was why they were still active so far after Dean's death. The influence and involvement of an angel in the way Cas was involved with Dean was unprecedented. That being said, Cas could see how this might affect his and Dean's interactions in heaven with some unexpected results.
Throwing back the covers, Cas slipped out of the bed and stretched his naked vessel. His body felt so lithe and exuberant, and Cas rubbed flat hands over his skin. His stomach, his legs; reveling in the tingle of his body.
Suddenly the door flung open, and Cas turned to see Sam and Dean walk into the room. Cas gasped as the two men stopped short at the sight of him. Dean. Standing right in front of him. His Dean. His eyes were bright and a smile played across his lips. He looked vibrant, and sexy, and Castiel wanted to just lunge at the man and lose himself in the pleasure of a moment between them.
"Dean..." he whispered. But no. His angelic eyes could see past the facade. This was a mirage. An actor playing a part to fit this particular role from a distant memory. This wasn't the real Dean with his righteous soul.
"Cas?" Dean said looking somewhat bemused. Sam took a step back, looking everywhere but at Castiel. How could these two men be standing in front of him? This was Dean's path through heaven so how could he be starring in it? Unless...
"Sam what's the matter?" Cas said, playing his own part in the memory. He didn't even need to think of the words, they just sprang from his lips. He figured that the actors must have switched lines to accommodate the audience. This was Dean's heaven, but Castiel was taking a starring role in it. It was fascinating how the intricate network of heavens design could accommodate such a complex concept. Cas tilted his head to the side, marveling in the thought of it.
Dean cleared this throat.
"Um... clothes, Cas," Dean said and Castiel looked down. Oh. Yes, he remembered this happening before, but he didn't remember being erect the first time around.
"I'm gonna... I'm gonna go and-," Sam sputtered as he edged towards the door.
"Get us breakfast?" Dean asked with a chuckle.
"Yes! Wait... you're not coming?"
"I can handle Cas naked, Sammy, unlike you obviously. Go get us some breakfast! Pronto!" Sam fled the room with one last glance between Dean and Cas; his face a combination of embarrassment, confusion, and emotional scarring.
Dean walked into the room and threw himself into the corner lounge chair. Draping a leg over the arm he grinned broadly at Cas.
"Well this is a nice surprise," he said wolfishly and Castiel blushed crimson. He remembered now what happened on this morning. He felt flattered that Dean was just as fond of the memory.
"I'll just get dressed then," he said weakly and reached for his clothes.
"No you won't," Dean said gruffly and Cas froze. Castiel's heart thrummed and his body ached, but already his brain was shouting for him to get out. To not get lost in this. He wanted to run, but he wanted to stay. Had to stay.
This was the first time Dean touched him.
"Sam will be back soon..." Castiel said, and his voice quivered.
This was the first time Castiel orgasmed to his touch.
"Then we better get to it, right?" Dean said in a low sultry voice that feathered pinpricks up Cas's spine. Scanning the room, Cas desperately sought out the door that would lead him to the next memory. The road that he needed to not stray from. He remembered from observing other human journey's that if they strayed from the path, their trial became their Final Heaven and Castiel was not here to lose himself in indulgences. He needed Dean. Needed to find the real Dean.
"Let me see you rub your body again the way you did when I walked into the room," Dean went on and his eyes echoed the lust his voice was exuding.
Castiel closed his eyes. It had been far too long since he felt Dean's touch on his skin. If he gave in to it now, he would be utterly lost. He had to find the doorway out.
"Dean," Cas sighed, and his hands returned to running gently along his stomach and chest. Even in this place, where everything was a mirage just replaying the past, Castiel could not refuse Dean for anything.
"That's hot Cas. So hot," Dean whispered and Cas wanted to cry. This man that he loved for so long and missed for so long, was sitting right in front of him. But he also wasn't there at all.
"Come here, angel, let me touch you." The words settled into Castiel's stomach and churned with his longing. Cautiously, he took a step forward, then another, and in a moment; in an eternity, Dean's fingers were running soft trails across Cas's ribs. Cas lifted his head with a soft, shuddering moan, and closed his eyes.
Dean's fingers wrapped around Castiel's slim waist and Dean pulled the angel closer still.
Suddenly, Castiel heard a chime. Dean's lips replaced fingers along Castiel's ribs and his breath hitched.
The chime sounded like the bell on the door to the Gas N Sip where he used to work. Dean tilted his head lower, and his tongue trailed along Cas's hip bone. Cas moaned again. He couldn't help it. Dean felt so good and Cas wanted this so badly.
Opening his eyes, Cas saw that there was a door against the wall beside where Dean sat. Dean turned his head, and his tongue trailed lazily up the length of Castiel's shaft. Cas gasped at the sensation. In reality, Dean had not done that. He got Cas off in other ways, but it was not until much later that Dean was able to do that particular action.
"Stay," Dean whispered, slipping Cas in and out of his mouth. Cas looked at the door.
This wasn't Dean. It was just energy and light masquerading as the man Cas loved. Reluctantly, Cas pulled away and walking towards the door.
"Cas... please..."
Cas could feel something inside him twisting in agony. These memories were supposed to be fond and pleasant, but they were in reality painful and hard.
Dean leaned over, Cas could feel the faintest touch of fingertips to thigh, then he opened the door and stepped through.
Second Trial
"Come on!" Dean shouted at Cas as soon as he shut the door. He glanced down and saw he was clothed now, and they appeared to be in their house. Judging by the state of disrepair, they had recently moved in.
"I don't understand the relevance of this," Castiel heard himself saying and Dean rolled his eyes.
"Grab the jar Cas, and let's go!" Cas looked down at the table. A mason jar was sitting alone on the worn wood. Castiel lifted it, and followed Dean outside. In the warm early summer night, Dean led Cas behind the house to where the yard and garden gave way to a large clearing. In the night, the meadow was illuminated by tiny lights winking on and off. On and off.
"What is this, Dean?" Castiel breathed in wonder.
"Fireflies," Dean said with a smile and reached out to snatch one up with his hand. "See? Super easy to catch." Dean lifted the mason jar out of Cas's hands and unscrewed the top. Opening his hand, he released the insect within and closed it again. "Your turn," he said with a toothy smile and Cas returned the grin. Reaching out, Cas closed his hand around a hovering firefly. Feeling the bug tickle his palm, he opened his hand once more and watched as the bug crawled the length of his hand up to his fingertips and then spread its wings to continue its flight.
"You're supposed to put it in the jar," Dean said with a chuckle.
"Sorry Dean," Cas said bashfully, and Dean closed the distance between them. He sighed and smiled at Cas fondly.
"You're so beautiful," Dean whispered, and he leaned towards Castiel. A brief moment of panic gripped the angel. If he gave in to this, he might get trapped there. But then warm lips pressed against his and all thought escaped him. He was kissing Dean. His Dean. His heart bloomed with love from the feeling and at the same time ached with sorrow in knowing how little time they had together. And how none of it was real.
Cas reached out, encircling Dean with his arms, and pulled the man closer to him. Their kiss became desperate and Dean discarded the mason jar with a soft thunk against the earth before wrapping his arms around Castiel's neck.
The feel of Dean against him; firm and strong, and so alive, left Castiel weak in the knees. He forgot how good this felt. He forgot how his heart swelled and his body ached with pleasure every time they touched. It made him want to sing. It made him want to cry. Close by in the night, Castiel could hear a door chime, and sorrow overtook him. He didn't want to go. He never wanted to go. Why did it have to be so hard to walk away?
He pulled away from Dean and saw how wide and dark the hunters eyes were. His teeth gently bit against a swollen lower lip as he studied Castiel's face. Cas knew this expression. Dean wanted him. Of all the amazing wonders in in the world, this carried the heaviest of weight. Dean wanted him.
"Lay down with me." Dean's voice was dripping with lust. "Right here in the grass. I'll make you feel so good, Cas, you know I will."
Cas closed his eyes, turned, and walked through the door.
Third trial
Castiel arched his back as Dean trailed a tongue along his stomach.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Dean asked as his lips danced over Castiel's nipple.
No.
"I am ready, Dean" Cas panted, "I want to feel you inside me."
No, not this.
Dean rutted against Castiel's cock and Cas moaned even as tears pooled in his eyes. Oh how good this felt. Dean on top of him. The weight of his lithe toned body pressing against Castiel like a security blanket. His dick, beautiful and erect and leaking, nudging gently within the crease of Cas's thigh. So many times they have done this. So many memories both sweet and passionate to remind them that they loved each other and how they loved each other.
"It might hurt a little Cas. It might burn. I'll be gentle. I'll be so gentle with you." Dean twisted his pelvis as he whispered against Castiel's ear, and Cas's cock played chords of pleasure throughout his body from the friction. Tears fell from his eyes without his realization. Knowing it was only going to get better, had Cas wanting it to never end.
For years he had been without this. He was starving for Dean and now to have him in this way was so overwhelming. A sob broke through his lips but quickly turned into a moan. Dean's hand slipped between them, and he thumbed at the opening on Cas's dick.
A chime sounded in Cas's ear put he pushed it away. Dean moved his hand lower, and was tracing wet fingers over Castiel's entrance. It was all he could do to not climax already from the sensation.
"You feel so good, Cas. It's so hot watching you get off when I touch you. I'm gonna make you feel even better soon." Cas turned, his breath heavy and humming with small moans, but when he opened his eyes, he saw a door that wasn't there before. Where did it come from? Then realization hit him and Cas shuddered at how close he was to being lost. He didn't want to go. Dean felt so good, he didn't want to leave. It took everything he had, but Cas pushed Dean away.
"Cas?" He rolled away from Dean's encouraging hands and fled the warmth of the bed. "Cas, don't go." The script was different but the pain was the same. Cas reached the door and fell through it just as he gave in to his tears.
Fourth Trial
"Cas? Cas, are you ok buddy?" Cas could feel his body curled tight into a ball but he refused to open his eyes to his environment. Dean's hands were on him. Rubbing his back, soothing away the pain, and Cas's body shuddered from sobs that escaped him.
How long did he have to endure this? It wasn't heaven. None of this brought him happiness. All of it was bittersweet and artificial to the touch. He needed Dean. The real Dean and not these vacant holograms of the truth.
"Cas, come on. We're going to be late," Dean said, sounding exasperated. Cas didn't care. He didn't want to know what memory this was of Dean's that warranted a place in heaven. He didn't want to feel this Dean touching him and causing his betrayers body to respond so willingly to that touch.
He clung to his despair, wrapped his pain around him like a shroud, and openly wept at the violation and defilement of his most sacred memories.
Cas had to see this to the end. He had to reach Dean no matter the cost. But the pain of the journey was cruel and mean spirited.
When the chime sounded, Cas lifted his head.
He would see this through. He would find Dean in his Final Heaven and Cas would stay there with him for eternity. Nothing else mattered. None of this mattered.
Getting to his feet, Cas saw nothing but the door. He ignored Dean calling him, and wiped away his tears as he stepped through.
Fifth Trial
"Ok, they always say not to look down. This is a good time for that advice," Dean said and his hands rested firmly on Cas's shoulders. Cas took in his surroundings and sighed.
They were in a Ferris wheel. He knew exactly what night this was. This was going to be hard to walk away from.
"What if it starts to move again?" Cas asked, playing the part. Dean leaned in close, and in the blue-green hue of the neon Ferris wheel lights, Cas could count all the freckles on his nose.
"I paid the carny a hundred bucks to keep this thing in place for the next 30 minutes. Trust me, it's not moving." Cas looked down and studied the swell of Dean's lower lip. Leaning closer, he playfully licked at that swell until Dean caught Cas's lips with his own and they shared a kiss.
"Alright, alright," he said, pulling away, "time's ticking here. Get up there." Cas pulled at the bar on the side of the Ferris wheel car that was connecting it to the flat top, and hoisted himself over the edge. He reminded himself not to look down as Dean instructed, and Cas climbed onto the roof. Being at the very top, with only the suspension to either side of him, Cas could almost believe he was an angel again.
Cas closed his eyes and focused on the cooling summer air on his skin. He thought about how it would feel on his wings.
He thought about those nights when Dean asked to touch his wings and the carnal pleasure he got from the exchange. It was not his power that he missed, or the voices of the other angels in his mind. It was his wings. Castiel half expected to hear a chime but instead he heard Dean's voice from below him.
"Cas? You okay up there?"
"I'm well, Dean," Cas said softly, and truly he was.
"Good cause...uh, there's something I have to say and... well you know I'm no good at this emotional stuff so just stay up there and keep quiet." Castiel didn't respond, feeling that would already apply to Dean's request for silence, and instead waited.
"I...I know you miss being an angel sometimes, Cas, but... there are so many benefits to being a human as well. I know how you talk down about yourself, and maybe you think I don't hear or don't notice, and well...I do." Dean cleared his throat. "Cas...I love falling asleep with you at night and waking up with you in the morning. I love to watch you eat. I like how your face changes when you react to trying new things." Cas held his breath, fearing any noise or shift of body might cause Dean to stop talking. Cas never wanted Dean to stop talking. "I love you being human, Cas. I love how it lights up your eyes and changes your smile into something so amazing...I feel like my hearts gonna melt every time I see it. So...right. I just thought you should know."
The Gas N Sip door chimed and Cas let out his breath. He wished he had said more to Dean on this night so long ago. His lover had opened his heart and exposed his most sensitive thoughts to Cas, and all Cas said at the time was "I love you for how amazing you are." He was taken by surprise and didn't have time to really think about something better to say. But he has had time since then to think about it a lot.
"Dean," Cas said as he glanced down at the small door now replacing the roof of the Ferris wheel car directly below him. "I could not be all those things without you. My eyes shine that way because I'm looking at you. I smile that way because you make me so happy it hurts sometimes. I lay next to you and my heart strains to keep you close. To hold you tighter. To never let go. I love you, Dean. For how amazing you are." Cas knew it didn't matter; that it wasn't the real Dean he was talking to, but it still felt good to say it.
Getting to his feet atop the car, Cas closed his eye one last time against the night sky, and then dove off the car and crashed through the door beneath him.
Six Trial
Cas stood at the entrance to their bedroom, and watched Dean admiring his suit in the mirror. Without a thought, he reached up and pulled his tie askew.
It was their wedding day. At the time, it was the happiest moment of his life but now it's the saddest as well. To see Dean forget how to read the words to his vows. To see Dean look at Cas with panic in his eyes...
What if they had caught the cancer then? Would it have been enough? What if Sam told Cas about the spell before Dean's death instead of after, how his brother requested? Would it have been enough?
"I am going to marry you, and you are going to die," Cas said flatly, and Dean turned to look at him, confused.
He looked radiant. He looked sexy and calm and utterly irresistible. And he was dying. Here, in front of Cas, his brain was slowly stealing away every part of Dean that made him who he was.
"What are you talking about, Cas?" Dean said with a furrowed brow and halfcocked smile.
"I love you. I'm supposed to grow old with you. I'm supposed to end the eternity of my existence as a human with you by my side, and you're fucking dying on me."
"Cas, listen, no one is dying here-"
"No, you listen!" Cas shouted as hot tears sliced down his cheeks. "You weren't supposed to die on me, Dean. And I wasn't supposed to become an angel again. But I did it to find you. Only you. Now I'm done playing these games. I am done reliving this life. It only hurts me without you. I don't want to do this anymore." Cas turned and headed for the door.
"Cas?" Dean called after him. "Cas what are you saying? Where are you going?"
"Goodbye, Dean," Cas tossed over his shoulder as he went through the door. Those words stung at him more than anything else in this whole horrible experience, but he didn't care. His heart burned like smoldering ash and his chest threatened to collapse in the pain. He couldn't do this. He couldn't relive this wedding and think about all the clues he somehow overlooked that something was wrong.
"Cas! Wait!" Dean ran to the entrance to their home and called after Castiel. "Please don't go," he said, his voice wavering with him on the brink of confused tears. Cas paused for a moment. Every aspect of his being was telling him to go to Dean. To comfort Dean. But after a brief instant, Cas was able to push on. Dean did not chase after him.
"Brothers! Sisters!" Cas called out. He reached the clearing near the house where he had burned Dean's body after his death. He thought the place appropriate for demanding contact. "Angels, listen to my call! Come to me. Now!"
"Castiel," a low raspy voice sounded and Cas turned to see the angel Joshua had appeared behind him.
"Take me to him," Castiel demanded with no introduction, and the other angel bellowed laughter.
"Take you to whom, Castiel? To your lover? To your father?"
"Either. I don't care. Just get me out of this never ending hell."
"Hell?" Joshua took a step towards Castiel. "If this be your version of hell, is there a heaven that exists to contain you?"
"Joshua. Brother...please," Castiel said desperately, and Joshua spread his hands wide in a shrug.
"I will take you to the end of the trials, to the Final Heaven, but I can do no more. Will that do?" Reaching out, Castiel clutched at Joshua jacket. His eyes met with his brother's and Cas was certain Joshua could see the rubbed raw anguish that was housed within him.
"Yes! Please! Take me there," Cas said with a trembling voice, "just get me away from this place."
Placing fingers to Castiel's head, Joshua moved him with a flash of light, leaving the trail of his past behind him.
Final Heaven
Castiel opened his eyes to see a vast garden filled with bright greens and plumes of flowers. He looked around confused.
Song birds sang from the trees.
"No."
Butterflies danced past his face.
"This isn't right."
Off in the distance, a man flew a kite in the soft summer sky.
"Dean!" Castiel called out. To the man, to the sky; he called out everywhere. "Dean! Dean! Dean!"
"He can't hear you, Castiel." Cas turned to see Chuck, slumped over and disheveled, with his hands nervously stuffed into his pockets.
"I don't understand," Castiel said walking towards the man who claimed to be his father, "why was I brought here? This is my Final Heaven, not Dean's."
"This has always been your destination, Castiel," Chuck said softly. His eyes darted to look at Cas's, and then he shifted to take in the surroundings.
"But...Dean's memories...his trials..." Cas shook his head, unbelieving.
"You were never in Dean's trials, Castiel. Those were your own. A side effect of your time as a human." Chuck turned to Cas again, and a slight smile played across his lips. "Very clever trick, by the way. I didn't think I'd see you back here as an angel. I can't blame you for staying though. Metatron was right. The human story is a much more interesting read."
Castiel stared at the other man, confused. His mind refusing to see what his heart already knew.
"Father..."
"I know how you have suffered, Castiel," Chuck said and his smile took on a hint of sadness. "You have fought harder than any other angel in creation to uphold the message I originally placed upon you."
"Father..."
"When so many of your brothers and sisters gave up on me, you held true to the cause. Protect humanity. Guide them and shelter them. Do not take them for granted because they were truly made in my image. You did it well."
"...where's Dean?" Castiel asked and his voice broke on the name. His eyes were wide; terrified to know but desperate to understand. He stared, scared, at this short shabby man with the small sage smile.
"That's why it truly saddens me to see the hand you were dealt, Castiel. You have tried so hard, in spite of my lack of guidance."
"Father..."
"And in spite of all your mistakes, and we both know you made a few."
"Please..."
"I didn't want this kind of ending for you. I never wanted this for you."
"Father, please..."
"But rules are rules, Castiel."
"Please tell me that Dean is in heaven," Cas said at last. Chuck's smile faltered at the question and he looked down at his sneakers, frowning. After a moment, he shook his head solemnly.
"After all that he has done," he said sympathetically, "did you ever think that this was an option?"
Castiel felt as though the wind was just knocked out of him. He collapsed to the ground and stared off into the distance at the autistic man forever flying his kite. His breath came in short hurried spurts as his mind reeled over the implications of the other man's words. Dean not in heaven. Dean in hell. Dean in that horrible place. Dean in hell for a year. A whole horrible year. In hell, that's beyond the length of an eternity. Castiel couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe.
"I thought..." he said weakly and swallowed. His throat was so dry. "I thought since his intentions were good..."
"The worst roads are built with the best laid intentions, Castiel. Hitler can tell you that."
"But...he was your friend," Cas offered desperately.
"He was my creation!" Chuck shouted back at him and Cas winced. Suddenly the docile demeanor was shucked away and Chuck stood over him with all the divine power his position entitled him to. "And a poor one at that. I always had the highest hopes for his bloodline, but things took a horrible turn after Henry. I tried to kill him years ago. Long before Armageddon and before you, but he just wouldn't die."
"Then why did you send me to rescue him?" Castiel asked, peering up at the other man. Tears swam in his eyes but he fought to keep them from spilling over. He did not want this man, this...God to see him so distraught. "Why not let him rot in hell the first time he was sent there?"
"Because, while he's a ticking time bomb, he's a bomb none the less and the last thing I wanted was for enemy forces to use him to their own gain."
"Then let me rescue him now," Castiel said hopefully, "I found him in the pit before. I can find him again."
"No," Chuck said simply and Castiel deflated once more.
"But why?"
"He wasn't taken by a hell hound this time, Castiel, he died. The recovery will be much harder. You could be lost down there and the only thing worse than hell having Dean is hell having you."
"Father...please, I can't just leave him down there. You know what they do to human souls in the pit."
"Even if I let you go, Castiel, there is no place for him to flee to."
"Can't I..." Castiel looked away. His eyes scanned his garden, desperate for a way. "Can't I have him stay here with me?"
"You know he can't come here, Castiel," Chuck said with a sad smile, "There are no exceptions to the rules. He has been too sinful to earn a place in heaven. I'm sorry." Chuck turned away from Cas then, and he walked a few steps towards the man in the distance. "Not unless..."
"What?" Castiel found his footing and rose to stand before his father once more. "Tell me what I must do."
"If he were to perform a heroic godly act...or perhaps you do it on his behalf, I can pardon him and gain him access back into heaven."
"What do I need to do to perform a heroic godly act? Tell me father and I'll do it." Chuck turned and returned to Castiel. He leaned in close and took the angel by his hands. His smile was genuine, and while Cas was programmed to love and trust him, he was terrified of him too. In his mind, that smile carried fangs.
"Bring my first son home to me," God said softly. "It's the only thing worth risking you for. Bring me Michael and I'll allow Dean to remain in heaven." Castiel sucked air through his teeth and looked at the man in front of him. His mind whirled thinking about what Chuck was asking of him... what God was asking of him. The idea of freeing Michael without freeing Lucifer seemed impossible.
Plus Castiel was not exactly in Michael's good graces from the last time they saw each other, he was sure. He had no idea how he would be able to accomplish any of this. But he would not give up on Dean. Never.
"Fine," Castiel said, and turned away from Chuck. "Consider it done."
"Good luck, Castiel," the holy man called out as Castiel walked away, "where you are going, you will need every bit of it."
End of Part 2