Bobby took hold of her hand and walked backwards, leading Alex to his bedroom. Their eyes stayed fixed on each others the whole time, like they were under some kind of spell. Once they were in his room and he had backed up against the bed, he reached over to turn on the light.
"Please" She begged "Can we leave it off?"
"I know I'm not much to look at anymore," he replied, "but I want to see you."
It hadn't occurred to her that he would think his weight was a problem so she hurried to reassure him. "No! Bobby, it's not you, it's me. I may have managed to get my figure back after having Nathan, but I was left with several really ugly stretch marks that ..."
Bobby reached up and pressed a finger to her lips to silence her. "Alex, they're a part of you. A part of what makes you special." He said as his fingers moved to caress the side of her face. "They're there because you did something special and wonderful for your sister, so please don't be shy about them." He waited a minute before continuing in case she wanted to argue the point. When she didn't he continued. "I have an alternative. I won't turn on the overhead light. Instead I'll turn on the lamp that is on my dresser. That way I can still see you beautiful face when I make love to you."
"OK. I can live with that."
"Good, don't go away." He said and then stepped away to cross the room. While he was doing that, Alex took the opportunity to sit on the side of the bed and try to calm her racing heart. She was having trouble believing that this was actually happening. She had wanted this and had dreamed of it for years, but it was happening so fast and then there was the fact that Bobby had gone behind her back again.
As Bobby crossed back over to her it occurred to him that she never did say how she actually felt about everything that was happening and everything that he had said. He was afraid that she was just going along with it because she was depressed and was afraid that this might be her last chance to have the family she missed out on when Joe died. He sat down next to her on the edge of the bed and took hold of her hand.
"Alex" "Bobby" They both said at the same time.
"Go ahead" Bobby said. "Ladies first"
"I think we need to slow down a bit here." She said with a touch of sadness in her voice.
"Slow down? Or Stop?"
Alex turned sideways on the bed so that she could reach out with her free hand to caress the side of his face and to make sure he was looking at her. "Just slow down. I do want this. I really, really want this. If I didn't, we wouldn't have gotten this far, this fast. But now that I've had a minute to think clearly, while you were getting the light, I realized that we still need to talk about a lot of things that are involved in this. If we don't and just rush straight into bed, then things that should be said won't be and down the road we may regret not ironing out the issues beforehand. We have had enough problems over the last few years that I'm worried that if we go straight from point A to point D, bypassing points B and C, that we'll end up crashing and burning, so to speak." Alex paused, took a deep breath and then finished by saying, "I don't know it all that made sense or not but..."
"No, it did." He assured her. "And you're right. Actually I was having similar thoughts myself, while I was getting the light. So I guess the question is; what do we do now?"
"Now we go back to the kitchen or maybe the living room before we give into temptation."
Alex settled herself on the couch while Bobby made them some coffee. She knew she had to make him understand that if they were going to start a relationship that, from all signs, was headed straight to marriage, he had to stop keeping things from her. 'Begin as you mean to go on', her dad always said. She also had to wonder just when he would have told her he was leaving the force if it hadn't been for her own demons that drove her out of her family's warm embrace tonight and into his. When he brought the coffee in and set the cups on the coffee table, Alex was pleased to see that hers was just the way she liked it. He had gotten so good, over the years, at making her coffee that she liked it better then when she made it herself. She was sitting on the end of the couch, turned sideways with her legs curled up under her. Bobby sat down next to her and rested a hand on her knee. His touch had her insides getting worked up again. What she wanted to do was to crawl over into his lap but that wouldn't solve anything so instead she decided tackle his lack of communication.
"What the hell Goren! When were you going to tell me you were leaving Major Case? On the way out the door? Or was I going to hear about it as part of an interrogation tactic, like how I found out about your mothers' lymphoma."
Rather than take offense at her accusing rant, he took it for the diversionary tactic that it was and smirked as he scooted over to put some distance between them and turned sideways so he could look at her. "There's the explosion I expected earlier." He said.
"Don't you dare laugh at me Bobby. I've brought down guys bigger than you."
He put his hand in front of his mouth before replying. "I wouldn't dream of laughing at you."
They just stared at each other for several minutes until Alex had to cover her own mouth to hide the smile that she couldn't seem to stop from forming. Before long they were both laughing and Bobby moved back over closer to Alex and pulled her into an embrace.
"I really was planning on telling you about my plans soon, and it would have been before I told Ross."
"It better have been." She said with a stern tone in her voice. "I hope you realize that if we're going to make a go of it and expect it to last, one thing you're going to have to do is learn to open up. And damn it you have to stop keeping things from me."
When she pulled back a little so she could look up into his eyes, he said. "I want to kiss you. May I?"
She grinned and replied "Of course."
He leaned down and lovingly pressed his lips to hers. It was a big strain on both of their will powers but they resisted the need to deepen the kiss.
"I meant what I said about opening up more Bobby. Not that I'm complaining mind you, but distracting me with kisses won't change that."
Bobby sighed and pulled her back to him and rested the side of his face on her silken head. "I know. I'll work on it but please remember that a habit that long in the making will take time to break so I'll have to ask you to be patient with me."
"It may have escaped your notice but I have been patient with you for over 8 years now."
"It hasn't escaped my notice."
They sat there for a while, letting their coffee grow cold, simply enjoying the feeling of being in each others arms. Finally Bobby felt he had to ask. "Alex, how much of what is happening here is because of the way you felt when you left your parents house earlier?"
"How do you mean?"
Bobby pulled back so he could see her when he spoke. "Darlin', when you got here you were obviously depressed. I guess that what I'm getting at is, I need to know if you really want to be with me or if you are just reaching for what you might think of as your last chance for a family?"
Alex searched his eyes before responding. She saw a mixture of hope, fear and longing. What showed through all of that though was love, so she wanted to choose her words carefully. She didn't want any confusion about her motives. Reaching up she traced his brow, his jawline and then finally his warm soft lips.
"Bobby, when I left my parents house, I could have gone anywhere; home, Olivia's, Carolyn's, a bar...I chose to come here because I wanted to, not because I didn't have any other options. Even when I'm pissed as hell at you, just being with you makes me feel better. Yes, I was a little depressed when I got here but I wasn't desperate. All the secretivness aside, what you're offering me is what I've been longing for and dreaming of for a very, very long time. I don't mean the whole package, marriage, kids, and a family. Although I would have to be stupid to not want that to. But what I mean is YOU. I Love You, and I have been for quite a number of years now."