Hello, me again! Thankyou very very much for your reviews! I feel very loved at the mo! last time I checked it was 16! i almost spat out my hob nob (which is quite an achievement seeing as i wasn't eating one at the time) And as promised this is me officially kicking this fic into gear. I hope I'm getting Dave's voice right, but he's a crafty sod to do! Also, To answer your question my fair lady, I'm going to try and add in my own subplots (probably to do with the laugh family and more with the guys at school) but I cannot guarantee that they will be any good. At all. Still all is love in the world of many PANTS.
P.S I know some bits might be a little soppy for Dave, but my excuse is he's in luuuuuuuurve and his showing his sweet side :P
This chappy is Dave and Georgia going out. Hope you LOBE it ;)
Monday 4th October
5:35 PM
Okay, I am officially going mad. I have phoned Tom ten times and no bloody answer. Probably too busy snogging voles in Brighton. Perfect. Just perfect. This is my perfect life:
I can get hold of none of my so-called friends
I do not have a girl friend
The girl I want to be my girlfriend either thinks that a) I don't like her because I was a prat and forgot to get her number or b) is glad I haven't called as I scared her off with my crazy (very cool) dancing
I got binned by Mark and his band of twits today.
6:15 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love Tom.
I rang him again and got an answer this time.
He said "Dave stop ringing me! I got your 14 messages, I know you want to talk!"
I said "Ah but me ringing you means you save money, and as it is me who wants you, I only feel it is my duty to keep on ringing until I get an answer. If it were you ringing me asking for me to give you something I would fully expect you to keep on ringing until I was in and answered. Do you see what I mean?"
"Please shut up now."
"Charming. How is Brighton?"
"For the last time Dave, I'm in Birmingham. What do you want?"
"Well that's just lovely Tom! I ring you up just to see how you're doing, enquire as to how you are coping in the land of ice creams, and you automatically assume that I'm after something, I mean that's just –"
"Dave get to the point. I have a ramble planned."
"Listen do you have her number?"
"Who's?"
"The queen's. Look who do you think I mean?"
"Oh, Georgia! Yeah, yeah I do."
Silence.
"Er, Tom…"
"Yeah?"
"The number please?"
"Oh yeah right!"
He really is the biggest twit known to man-kind. Normally I would have told him that but I really didn't want him to hang up.
After he gave it to me he said "So are you going to ring her then?"
"No, no. I just rang you 15 times in the last hour so I could get a number for a girl I never wanted to see again. No, in actual fact I'm going to burn it in a religious ceremony, right after I sacrifice that goat I bought from the market on Sunday."
He laughed and said "Yeah, very funny smart arse."
Au touché.
6:25 PM
Okay, I feel a bit sick now. Calm, Dave, calm. You will simply call her, be your usual charming self, and then she is bound to say yes. You are Jack the biscuit. You are the king of hob nobs.
6:50 PM
OH YES! I love life, it is official. I am so happy I could snog a duck. But I won't. Because I am not that way inclined. We are meeting in the park for swings and walking after school on Friday. And, I made her laugh, that is always a plus. I said it would be 'groovy' to see her again. Why I said groovy I don't know. I also said 'nippy noodles'. What is wrong with me? I think I'm feverish.
7:00 PM
Oh god. I said nippy noodles.
1 minute later
Yeah but she laughed. Clearly she is not entirely sane herself.
2 minutes later
Oh my giddy aunt. What if it was a nervous laugh?! What if she thinks I'm a freak of nature and just did that to get me off the phone?
1 minute later
I just said 'oh my giddy aunt'. Christ on a bike there really is something wrong with me.
2 minutes later
No, I'm sure I am just over reacting… But I better check with the guys just in case.
5 minutes later
Fandabbytastic. Tom, Dec and Ed are all out. Why can't they just stay inside when I need them? They are so self obsessed that is why. Rollo is my last hope.
7:30 PM
Rang Rollo. Really wish I hadn't bothered.
"Yo Rollo!"
"Davey boy, what's happening?"
"Have you ever said 'nippy noodles'?"
"Wow, dive right in there why don't you."
"Answer the question you prat. I am in a state of pure confuzzlesion."
"Er, no. What does that even mean?"
"That it's cold outside. Tom started using it and now I've started using it and I might have said that on the phone when I was ringing up Gee, and now I'm worried because she laughed but I can't figure out whether it was the good old 'Ha ha Dave you are really quite a laugh' laugh or whether it was a 'quick fetch the shot gun and hide all my jewellery' laugh."
There was silence for a bit and I was starting to wonder whether he'd gone off to smother himself in more hair gel when he said "Oooooh, nice one. She officially thinks you're a nutter." and then he hung up.
Great, thankyou Rollo, that's just great.
Friday 8th October
4:30 PM
Getting ready for 'the big date' as Pete, twit and a fool keeps on saying to me. Thankfully I have my wingmen with me (Rollo, Ed and Dec. Tom is still off in er, that place)
Rollo said to me "So do you have a plan?"
I said "Yes. My plan is show up on time, meet her and then go home."
Dec shook his head. He said "That is a rubbish plan."
I said "Well what would your plan be then?"
He said "I would not have a plan. I would go with the flow."
Ed said "Yes, that is a better plan."
Rollo said "Mmmmm, I think you should go with that plan."
I said " So you all think I should go with the plan where the plan is to not have a plan?"
They all nodded like that stupid Churchill dog from the adverts. They all looked like fools. Fools with gelled up hair.
9:35 PM
Walking home thinking.
That was actually are rather good night. I showed up a bit early so spent about ten minutes talking to the ducks, which was very amusing as I scared the park warden (who looks a lot like our school caretaker Phil, and is just as charming) when he ran over to me.
He yelled at me "Get away from those ducks, you're terrorising them!"
I said " No I'm not. I am talking to them. They like me. They are eating my trousers. I am their mother hen. These are my babies!"
He ran hobbled away rather quickly after that, muttering something about 'the youth of today'.
When Georgia appeared I had to leave them. I like think they were sad to see me go, but in actual fact about ten seconds after I left they couldn't have given a toss and went to badger some old people for food.
It was a bit awkward at first with her. We just walked slowly across the field talking and brushing arms a bit. I said my life time ambition was to be a stand up comedian and she said "You should have my life. It would give you lot's of material" which made me laugh (hopefully in an attractive way and not in the 'gulping for air, spluttering twit' way.)
It was weird actually. Everytime she moved from side to side there was a wheezing noise. I turned to her and said " Have you noticed how when you go from side to side there is this sort of wheezing noise?"
She smiled and started to laugh and then we snogged. Phwoar she is a tip top snogger. I was getting really into it, you know, enjoying the moment, ( I even tried that lip nibble thing Jake told me about. Who'd have thought that that disturbing conversation I had with him when I was 8 would turn out to be useful?!) When four girls jumped out from behind a tree. Literally jumped. I leapt back and almost hit my head on a bench. I recognised them all from the gig as Jas and Georgia's mates.
Rosie (I think her name is) shouted "Oh hello Georgia it's YOU!" She sounded like someone had hit her over the head with a hammer. Either that or she was on drugs. And the others just stood behind her nodding like nodding things.
I always knew girls were a bit strange but they take the cake of insanity. I am very impressed.
10:30 PM
Phone rang.
It was Tom.
"How was your date then?" No subtlety there then. Not even a hello first. Very good veggie boy.
"Ah good evening to you Tom, as well. May I enquire as to your phoning of me?"
"Shut up you fool and tell me."
Lovely, isn't he?
"Fine, it was good. I scared the park warden, we walked, we snogged and I had the pleasure of meeting her mates."
"Oh god. Which ones?" He sounded a bit on the scardy pants side.
"Er, well I think it was Ellen, Mabs, Jools and Rosie."
Silence for a bit
"Tom? Tom…?"
"Blimey. And you survived? Clearly you and Gee are made for each other then. Rosie is not actually entirely normal."
"Yeah strangely enough I noticed that. She jumped out from behind a tree and started talking to us, shouting every other word. I think she might have had a bit too much coke."
Sunday 10th October
9:30 PM
Eating a cornflake sarnie.
A good day. I have just found out we get rid of Pete for a week next month in a school trip. Result! When he told us I leapt up into the air and did some celebratory air guitar Jimmy Hendrix style. That of course got mum into full frontal tutting mode saying "David, can't you just be sensible for once! You're an embarrassment and a liability!" which I think is a tad harsh. It's not like the high street was crowded with shoppers at the time, but the ones that were there clapped and shouted "Encore! Encore!" Sadly I had to leave them without though, as Mum yanked me away down the street by my hood. I swear one of these days in will be forced to call child line.
I went round to Gee's house earlier to pick her up for our 'hot date' as dad insists on calling it. (As I so rightly said to him, if he ever says that again I'm putting myself up for adoption. )
I showed up at her house with my false moustache on (the handlebar tashe). I like to think I was very sophis, that is what I like to think. I also think I scared the PANTS off her Dad, who insisted on hovering about in the kitchen when I was standing in the doorway. She pulled me away though before he tried to talk to me, and said something about 'protecting my sanity.'
Anywho, we went to the piccies and snogged. The film was some crappy chic flic, but it was worth sitting through it to be with her. Even if I did almost swallow my ice cream whole when her mate Rosie popped up behind us again. I don't know why but I just feel… comfortable around Georgia. All the awkwardness is gone now. Maybe it's because we're meant to be… Or maybe it's because when I phoned her yesterday her sister hijacked the phone and told me in deep detail about the spot on her bum oley. When you reach that stage in the dating game, there's really no reason to be shy anymore.
Monday 11th October
French
Oh I miss my french buddy. Tom has (stupidly) decided to stay in Brussels for a few more days, meaning we have to suffer without him. Still, it's a sub today ( miss Turner, the devil in a woollen cardy) so I'm sat next to Rollo, Ed and Dec. Actually sat next to Rollo is a bit inaccurate. Sat on is more like it. There is simply no room at these poxy tables, so I improvised.
Of course miss Turner cam over to me and said "David, could you possibly go and sit on a chair?"
I said "But another chair will not fit at this table."
She said "I know. Move."
I said "But miss, by sitting on Rollo's lap I am actually helping against global warming! I am reducing my carbon chair usage, by chair sharing with my chair buddy. If everyone did this we would all reduce the number of chairs being made in chair factories, which will help reduce the amount of fossil fuels used and then that would –"
She said "Shut up and work for once." And then walked off.
As I said to my chair buddy, she just radiates love and affection when she talks to me.
When we finally got rid of her we were busy discussing girls.
Rollo said "Mmm, I must get myself a girlfriend. I really like the look of Jas and Georgia's mate, the one with long brown hair. Jools isn't it?
Dec said "Yeah. The one you were dancing with at the club."
"Yeah that's her. She is buff."
Mmm, now that he mentions it Jools is actually very good looking.
Ed said "So just ask her out then. She is bound to say yes."
I said "Yeah, she is bound to. You are Jack the biscuits chair mate, she will be begging to go out with you."
Rollo nodded and said "Yeah, but I still think I'm going to leave it for a bit. Maybe leave subtle hints that I like her first, then go for it."
I said "No, girls do not get subtle hints from boy's. They only get them from other girls. No, what you must do is tell her out straight that you like her. That is what I did with Gee."
"So you are officially going out now?"
"Yep. We are official snogging partners. She just could not resist me. She has seen my dancing after all. I even sent her a card for our anniversary."
Ed said "But you have only being going out for a week."
I said "Ah, but it was our 1 week anniversary. You must remember that girls like that sort of thing. They like to be told they are looking absolutely spiffing every 5 minutes, be sent cute cards and be rung just to say how much we like them in the evening."
Dec said "Yes, Dave has a point. That is why he is always getting the laydeeeeeez."
Rollo said "Dave is not always getting the laydeeeeeez!"
I biffed him over the head (and got the death glare from her woollyness) and said " Excuse me farmer Joe. I'll think you'll find I am always getting the laydeeeez. They practically stalk me over the road, I may have to get a body guard. I am like Madonna, except not a fifty year old rich woman, with blonde hair and scary leggings."
He nodded and said "Yes, that may be true, but how many girl friends have you had?"
"Well I - "
"Exactly. You might look all pretty and cute (!) but when they speak to you they run away. That is because you always scare them off with your crazy dancing or your Gary Barlow impression."
I punched him in the arm.
Ed said "Actually, Rollo also has a point. You really must stop doing that thing, it is frightening and sounds nothing like him."
Dec nodded. "Yes, yes I am in agreement with these lot. Please never do it again."
And I was just about to protest when Rollo stood up really quickly and made me thump on the floor.
I said "OW! I think I've just broken my bottom!"
They just laughed
Tuesday 12th October
Lunch time
Busy playing footie with Dec, Ed and Danny (maths homework for goal posts) when Rollo came running up to us and hoofed the ball onto the roof. I though Danny was going to kill him. He is a big guy after all, and it had taken him all but three weeks to nick that thing from tosser Thompson and his band of trainie tossers.
I said "Aw Rol! What in the name of arse do you think you are doing? Hoofing a footie onto the roof is a capital offence."
Dec said "Yes, it's been nice knowing you. Prepare to die."
Rollo was still grinning like the FULE he is though. He said "I have news that will make you love me forever."
I said "Go on then, before we bundle you."
He said "A reliable source has just told me that there is a hockey match playing across the road AND WHAT'S MORE Georgia is playing AND WHAT'S MORE all her mates will be there AND WHAT'S MORE it's when we have Maths."
Ed said (very dimly) "And your point is?"
"My point is that we skive, watch girls in short skirts, Dave can snog, and I can 'accidentally' bump into Jools."
I nodded and gave him the cross eyed salute of my approval.
"Yes! Tip top Rollo! All is forgiven, for you have just literally made my day!"
Danny (still a bit pissed off) said "So you want to SKIVE maths, LEAVE THE SCHOOL PROPERTY, and risk WEEKS of suspension just so you can stalk a girl?!"
Rollo said "Correctomundo."
Danny said "Oh. Alright then."
He really has very little pride when there are nungas involved.
2:30 PM
Crouching behind the gate to the girls field, freezing my knackers off.
Brrrr! It is beyond nippy noodles and into the realms of freezing fries! It is so cold we have had to group together and link our blazers (the old button into the blazer next to you and then be buttoned into) so we do not die of pneumonia. We actually look quite funkay like this. Like a giant troop of penguins in stripy blue ties. The only frog in the ointment is that we can't be seen by anyone, and it is actually quite difficult to go unnoticed when you are all linked together by your blazers. We are not helped by the fact that Ed is the most clumsy buffoon known to have existed. He has fallen over three times in the last minute and we are not even moving. In fact we are not even standing. Mind you I am not surprised. I have after all seen Ed open a door into his face before and knock himself unconscious, so this is just low level clutzyness.
3:20 PM
A brilliant match. Who'd have thought girls hockey would be so entertaining. It's a lot more violent than I imagined. One girl was in tears at one point.
I said to Dec "Cor blimey gov'ner that must have been a thwack and a half!" but he was too busy looking for any hints of knicker flashing with the others. They have grown quite expert at spotting any signs of rudey dudeyness actually. It's like a sixth sense. As soon as a sudden gust of wind blows they all leap up and cheer, see the flash, then pop back down again. The only problem with that is that we are all attached to each other, so every time they jump I get strangled by my blazer. And then when we have to jump back on the floor again I'm on the bottom of the huge bundle. It is a hard life.
4:12 PM
They won! They won!! Gee smacked in the winning, er, goal (?) with literally seconds to spare. The crowd went wild, we started to sing "THAT'S THE WAY, UH HUH UH HUH, WE LIKE IT, UH HUH UH UH!" and then out of now where a blonde bint with really big nungas (I swear they have to be fake) came and hacked Georgia down!
I leapt up like a salmon on happy pills with the others right behind me and shouted "PENALTY! AN OUTRAGE AN OUTRAGE!"
Dec, Ed and Danny were nodding saying "Here here." and "Pip pip!"
Rollo just stared at the field and said "Er lads, I think the girl who just hacked down Georgia was on her side."
Blimey. Talk about team spirit.
4:30 PM
All the guys left me to return to their lunatic head quarters so I was left waiting for the girls all aloney. Even Rollo buggered off. I thought he'd be desperate to get close to Jools but he murmured something about 'getting the moment right' and then shoved me in a bush.
When they came Gee was riding in a wheelbarrow. That got me in stitches. I was quite literally as high as a high thing when squeaked over to me. She went bright red (probably because I saw her hockey knickers, which incidentally are a rather ravishing shade of navy blue) so I threw myself on the floor and started chanting to cheer her up.
The walk home was a larf and a half as well. I started singing 'We are the champions' as loudly as possible while wheeling her, and all her mates joined in. It was most excellent. I said to them "We are so good, we should audition for the X-factor." Rosie seemed particularly keen on the idea.
When we got to her house I gave her a kiss and left with the promise of pressies. I don't why is said that because a) I'm skint and b) anything I buy mysteriously disappears and ends up on Peter prat's E-bay account. Still, clearly I must an expert at this boyfriend lark because as soon as I turned the corner I heard a really loud "Ahhhhhhhhh!" from the girls.
Oh I'm good.
Wednesday 13th October
4:50 PM
School was crap. Still, I kept my promise to Gee and dropped off a (hilarious) card some chockies for her. God knows how I afforded them, for I am quite literally broke as goldfish. It must be my charm and naturally stunning good looks.
Friday 15th October
4:30 PM
School was almost worth going to toady!. I got in detention at lunch with Rollo for using the Bunsen burners as water pistols and starting a water fight. It was brilliant, well worth having to spend an hour listening to Sampson rave on about 'responsibility' and 'etiquette'. I didn't realise at first just how powerful it would be when I attached the burner to the tap using that rubber tube thingy. It turns out very. Rol gave me a squirt in the face and It felt like getting punched and drowning at the same time. By the time we'd finished we were soaking (so wet our shirts were all see through). It was very funny, walking down the corridor to the heads office. It was just as lunch had started, so the halls were packed with desperate 4th years trying to shove their way to the front of the lunch queue. I just happened to have a sachet of ketchup with me in my trousers so I tore it open and smothered it all over my leg and started limping, dragging it behind me, yelling "I'M HURT, I'M HURT!" Then Rollo was shouting "RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" which of course got the first formers in a state of mass panic. I swear I saw one of them run into his own locker trying to escape from the tommy ketchup sniper. It all looked very realistic if I do say so myself. Which I just did.
When we finally emerged from the head's office we came out to a massive round of applause. It was most excellent.
It is at moments like these I almost feel proud to be at Foxwood.
1 minute later
Almost.
Okay, I shall leave it here for now, or it will be ridiculously ridiculously long. Next time will be the red herring reveal and the aftermath for Dave (maybe some Ellen stuff as well, but I won't do all of that because it will take me flipping ages) Next chapter coming next week sometime :D
Tatty bye for now XXX