Ars Amatoria

Chapter Two

A/N: I am now officially hooked on Kakuzu x Hidan.

Kakuzu woke up the next morning feeling like a new man.

He stretched his arms above his head, the stitches across his lips gaping wide as he yawned. For once, he thought lazily, he actually had the chance to revel in the new business opportunities that each day brought. For once, he didn't have to fret about how much money Hidan was wasting with a twenty minute shower. For once, he could actually take the time to spend five minutes reflecting on how much he loved money, rather than chase after Hidan, screaming about sticking to the budget. And damn did it feel good.

Speaking of which…

Kakuzu looked across at the bed next to his, and grinned broadly.

It was empty. Gloriously, wonderfully, empty.

Still grinning stupidly, the Falls nin flopped back on his pillows with a satisfied grunt. No loud prayers echoing in his ears. No rattling rosaries being thrust in his face at every turn. No blood being leaked on the furniture. No complaining, no whining, no preaching. Just glorious, blessed silence.

If Kakuzu believed in a god, this was the moment he would have gone down on his knees in praise.

After a few more blissful moments, Kakuzu rolled over onto his side, dipping one hand beneath his pillow for his lucky quarter. He rolled it absentmindedly over his knuckles, staring thoughtfully out of the window as he contemplated what to do next.

The seed had been planted. Hidan was so disturbed at the thought that Kakuzu might be attracted to him that he had avoided coming to bed altogether the previous night. Hopefully he was never coming back. A smirk of satisfaction tweaked his lips as he recalled Hidan bursting out of the bedroom last night, shrieking frantic prayers and brandishing his rosary like a hand grenade. He hadn't even showered before running out, and that was the cherry on top for Kakuzu. Hidan had been absolutely filthy and covered in dried blood. Hidan hated being filthy! It had been beautiful to watch, absolutely beautiful.

Now he needed to capitalise on it. And if there was one thing Kakuzu understood, it was capital.

For Tobi, even the most menial household task was special. He dedicated himself to every aspect of caring for his fellow Akatsuki, performing every task with a bright smile, a cheerful word and, most importantly, love. There was nothing this self-proclaimed good boy would not do for these seven men.

Take breakfast, for example.

Every morning, Tobi took it upon himself to prepare a tasty and nutritious meal so that each missing-nin could begin the day with a healthy, positive start. But it never stopped there, oh no. The table was always beautifully set, complete with fresh flowers and clean linen napkins, and the daily newspaper was always waiting at the head of the table for Pein. All this meant that when the Akatsuki emerged from their bedrooms, yawning and rubbing the sleep from their eyes, the smells of pure love would greet them.

Of course, all of this effort was wasted on Kakuzu. It was a waste of time, time was money, therefore Kakuzu did not waste time – and Tobi did.

This particular morning, however, he was in a sunny mood and might have forgiven Tobi even if he had splurged on butter croissants and imported coffee – but no, that was far more out of character than he was willing to go. Tobi would be a very dead boy if he tried it.

Humming cheerfully under his breath, Kakuzu made his way to the table where the Akatsuki were already seated.

He cast a meticulous eye around the table as he usually did every morning, ready to pounce if he saw anything violating the strict household budget. If there was anything that cost over four dollars, God help them…

Firstly, Deidara. The Iwa-nin was busy tearing a cheap banana muffin into pieces for his other mouths before he got started on his cereal, which was slowly becoming a soggy mess because he was too busy cooing nonsense to his hands. Kisame was occupied with his own cornflakes, enthusiastic to the point where a spoon wasn't even necessary. The Mist nin was perfectly content with shoving his head in the bowl and ravaging the crisp flakes with his teeth. Itachi was concentrating on a piece of buttered toast like he was trying to burn a hole through it with his Sharingan, before slowly taking a bite and chewing mechanically – he was also ignoring the fragments of cornflakes that dusted his pristine hair, courtesy of Kisame's rather untidy eating methods. Konan was stabbing her fork through a pancake, scrutinising it carefully before popping it into her mouth in a very ladylike manner. Pein was glaring at his newspaper, mumbling indiscriminately about politics and the exchange rate while slurping coffee out of a mug emblazoned with the words 'NO.1 LEADER'.

Good. Kakuzu nodded in satisfaction and let his eyes settle on the last person at the breakfast table.

Ah, his supposed 'crush'. Or should we say, victim.

Much to his delight, Hidan was sitting there looking pale and edgy. When he saw Kakuzu, he let out a strangled noise that was somewhere between a squeak and a yelp, and immediately cupped his hands protectively over his backside.

Kakuzu smiled predatorily, taking his seat opposite the Jashinist.

Leisurely, he poured a cup of coffee, taking a deep, appreciative sniff. He took a sip, keeping his movements deliberately slow. He knew Hidan was watching, so he swallowed before looking up to meet wide violet eyes, and slowly ran his tongue along his upper lip to collect any leftover drops.

Amazing. His partner was actually starting to sweat, Kakuzu observed gleefully, and he could barely keep from chuckling out loud when Hidan shot out of his chair as if it was on fire.

"Is something wrong, Hidan-san?"

Tobi flounced over, replete with a lurid pink apron tied around his waist and a steaming coffee pot in hand. The apron, already an eyesore, added insult to injury by having the phrase "kiss the nin-cook" splashed across the chest in bold script.

"Forgot to… uh, sacrifice someone, so… yeah, I gotta go before I miss my spiritual quota for this month …"

"But Hidan-san, I made your favourite pancakes!"

"I don't want your goddamn pancakes!"

Kakuzu, who had been enjoying the show up till then, frowned suddenly and leaned forward, a thread snaking out from underneath his cloak and wrapping itself around Hidan's exposed ankle to yank him back down onto his chair.

"Sit down and eat, Hidan," he said sternly, "the money for pancake ingredients isn't easy to come by."

Kakuzu was willing to pretend that he was lusting after Hidan, but he would be damned if he allowed him to waste food. Didn't he realise that the ingredients for those pancakes had cost money? Did he think the batter had simply fallen from the sky? Hidan would eat the pancakes Tobi had made, or Jashin help him, Kakuzu would shove it down his ungrateful throat!

Hidan glared balefully at him, irritation overshadowing his urge to run. "Listen, I'll wipe my ass with the stupid pancakes if I want to―"

As Hidan's rant continued, rapidly escalating in length and volume, Kakuzu's patience began deteriorating at an equally rapid pace. If there was one thing that made him lose it, it was Hidan's whining. But today, Kakuzu didn't have to resort to violent means to shut him up… oh no, he had a far more torturous, fun method.

"I can understand why you don't want to eat the pancakes, Hidan," he said pleasantly.

His partner stopped in mid-rant, giving him a suspicious look, and opened his mouth to retort, but Kakuzu interrupted him before he could start his tirade again.

"Tobi uses pure butter for his pancakes, doesn't he? That's most certainly 'a moment on the lips, forever on the hips'," he quoted smoothly. "It may be quite perky now, but who knows what will happen if you continue eating the way you do. You wouldn't want to end up with a sagging backside, would you?"

"I do not have a fat ass!"

The Falls nin shrugged whimsically, leaning forward with a smirk on his lips. "It doesn't matter to me," he said in a low, husky voice. "Personally, I like a bit of meat to hold on to."

The blood drained from Hidan's face instantly.

"That's it!" he shrieked, jumping to his feet and slamming his fists down on the table. "I don't have to take this shit from you! I swear if you even look at me with your heathen eyes again, I'll fucking gouge them out― Jashin will make you pay for this desecration, and I'll make damn sure you burn in hell for eternity! "

A startled hush fell over the table and the other Akatsuki stared at Hidan, food even falling out of Deidara's open mouth. Itachi honestly couldn't have cared less and continued chewing mechanically on his toast. The Jashinist flushed when he saw them staring at him.

"What?" he snapped. "I'm just telling this prick to stay away from me. If you knew what he did to me last night―"

"Hidan," Kisame said suddenly in a puzzled voice, cocking his head. "You're wearing a shirt."

"Huh? What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"You never wear shirts. It's unnatural, un."

"Oh, fuck you, Deidara! I'll wear a shirt if I feel like it, dammit."

"But why have you decided to start wearing one now?" Konan asked, looking mildly interested now. "Quite frankly, this is the first time I've ever seen you wearing a shirt. I wasn't even aware that you owned one."

"What is this, the fucking Inquisition? I'm wearing a shirt because I want to, for God's sake!"

"I'm somewhat interested in the reason myself," the leader said suddenly, staring at them over the top of his newspaper.

Hidan flushed. What was he was supposed to tell Pein? That he was wearing a shirt because his partner had decided out of the blue that he was attractive? The situation suddenly seemed profoundly embarrassing, and he knew that Pein would not only dismiss his complaint completely and tell him to go die in a ditch somewhere, but that everyone else would laugh their asses off. If he told them the truth about Kakuzu, he would never live it down; Deidara and Kisame would make sure of it.

"I'm wearing a shirt because it's cold," he mumbled angrily. "This shitty cloak isn't keeping me warm at all."

"Poor Hidan-san," Tobi said sympathetically, patting his shoulder. "If you'd like, I can give you one of the blankets from my own bed," he offered brightly. "I don't mind being a little bit cold if it makes Hidan-san feel better."

"I don't want blankets that have been on a heathen's bed."

"Ne, If you're cold in your room, you can always cuddle up next to Kakuzu, un." Deidara said slyly, poking Hidan with the end of his spoon.

Hidan's face flamed red. "Are you out of your freaking mind?"

"There's nothing wrong with snuggling your partner, Hidan-san. Deidara-sempai and I do it all the time. When it's cold he likes to sneak into my bed and we—"

It was Deidara's turn to flush. "Shut up, you idiot! You're not supposed to tell them that!"

Kisame raised a brow, the beginnings of a nasty grin tweaking his mouth. "Deidara, you like to cuddle? With Tobi? In bed?"

"There's nothing wrong with that, Kisame-san," Tobi said, a bit indignantly. "Haven't you ever cuddled with Itachi-san?"

Itachi glanced up at the mention of his name. "It was cold," he said indifferently, flicking a cornflake out of his hair.

Kisame's gills flushed rosy pink and Deidara snickered.

"Never knew you were the cuddling type, Kisame-chan," the blonde said snidely. "Does Itachi rock you to sleep and sing you a lullaby as well, un?"

"O-Of course not!"

"It's unseemly to lie, Kisame." the Uchiha remarked dispassionately, unaware of his partner's agony – or perhaps, perfectly aware.

"But, Itachi-san, you're not supposed to tell them that!"

In the meanwhile, Hidan's face had darkened to a nasty shade of puce. He stared at the group of criminals with a horrified expression, a nerve twitching erratically above his eye. "Blasphemy," he gasped. "Perversion. Evil!"

"What, you only noticed that now?"

The Jashinist shuddered, his fists clenching. A familiar, fanatical light was beginning to glimmer in his eyes and his breathing grew steadily harsher.

Oh, lord, not again, Konan thought tiredly, recognising the signs of one of Hidan's infamous sermons. It'll be the third one this week. Within all of a minute, Konan knew he would be frothing at the mouth as he ranted and raved. If she had to listen to him preaching about the hellish consequences of the organization's so-called 'wicked lusts', the blue-haired woman swore she was going to shove a ream of paper down his throat and seal his mouth after with an explosive tag. Unfortunately, Pein had pointed out with as much resignation on his part as on hers that Hidan was far more useful to the Akatsuki alive than dead.

"I won't tolerate another sermon at the table, Hidan," she said, suppressing the urge to stab her fork through his eye. "Save it for the pulpit. Just keep your mouth shut and eat."

"Listen, bitch, you're one of the people first in line for a one-way ticket to hell—"

"…You may want to think twice before you finish that sentence, Hidan."

The silver-haired man winced as Pein's eyes glared at him over the top of his newspaper.

"Fine," he snapped. "I'll eat the fucking pancakes. But I'm not gonna like it, you prick."

Pein stared at him a moment longer. "Call me that again, Hidan, and I'll have your tongue nailed to the ceiling."

A sulky expression swept over Hidan's features but he kept quiet, knowing full well —and from unfortunate experience— that Pein could and would deliver on his threat. He glared at the stack of pancakes lying innocently on his plate, and began stabbing them repeatedly, muttering obscenities under his breath.

Gradually, his mutterings dulled to a background murmur and conversation around the Akatsuki's breakfast table settled on more familiar subjects, such as the most efficient and orderly way to disembowel a struggling shinobi with a blunt kunai while trying to remain hidden from pursuers.

Hidan ate quickly, still moping. Pein was forever stealing his thunder, and the Jashinist had been prepared to give one of his favourite sermons on lust. You would think that he would be grateful for advice on how to mend his heathen ways and follow the true path, but nooo, Pein wanted to indulge in his wicked sins and burn in hell. Hah, let him. For all Hidan cared, they could all burn. Especially Kakuzu, he—

Oh, fuck.

Kakuzu smiled wickedly when Hidan's eyes met his, and gave his partner a jaunty 'remember me?' wave. Oh, if only Hidan knew what he had planned for him… and he wouldn't dare cause a fuss now, not when Pein was already irritated enough to impale his tongue to the ceiling. Carefully, he slid his foot along the tiled floor, inching towards his partner. Hidan was watching him apprehensively but could only concentrate on watching his upper half. He certainly would have had no idea that Kakuzu was doing something involving feet. Halfway towards Hidan, he paused. His legs weren't long enough to play a little game of morning footsy.

Well… Kakuzu grinned. If his legs aren't long enough…

A length of black thread slowly unfurled itself from beneath his skin and slithered out, creeping steadily over the floor before inching up Hidan's clothed leg. Kakuzu kept sipping his coffee innocently, watching Hidan out of the corner of his eye. The Jashinist was trying to eat his pancakes, taking small, quick bites while his eyes flickered nervously from side to side. Kakuzu smirked. Did Hidan really think his partner was going to leap across the table and pounce on top of him in front of the entire Akatsuki? Really, Hidan was such a drama queen.

Hidan watched Kakuzu, growing increasingly paranoid as he watched a little smirk growing wider and winder. The bastard was up to something, Hidan could feel it —it even tickled, like it was actually crawling… across his… skin… Hidan's eyes widened, and he slowly lifted the tablecloth.

A clump of black threads from Kakuzu's body was caressing his thigh.

There was a sudden high-pitched shriek, and Hidan shot up with terrific speed, scrabbling madly away from the table. While the rest of the table's occupants looked on in surprise and curiosity, the Jashinist blasted out of the room like lightning.

Hidan tore down the bedroom passage, ducking into the first bedroom (which happened to belong to Zetsu) before slamming the door shut and leaning against it, panting heavily. No, no, not enough. Had to get further away, had to hide! He stooped to avoid the heavy tendrils of ivy suspended from the ceiling, and took a running dive under the bed.

Enclosed by the warm darkness, Hidan felt some measure of calm returning… or not.

This, he thought wildly, this is divine punishment. God, why are you tormenting me? I've been a good disciple until now – I sacrifice three virgins a week!

He rolled onto his side, head cradled in his hands. If Jashin… if Jashin had abandoned him…

No. My God loves me! I know he does! I'm a good disciple, I know I am!

Or perhaps Jashin was testing him. Unbidden, Hidan wrinkled his nose. Testing his devotion by having Kakuzu hit on him? That seemed a little… extreme. And more than a little icky. No, it was all out disgusting. This was Kakuzu he was talking about it. Kakuzu.

He frowned up at the bottom of the bed, swatting absentmindedly at the miniature Venus flytrap that had been inching towards his leg (the question of why Zetsu was growing a Venus flytrap under his bed was too much for Hidan's scarred psyche to deal with at that moment).

Goddammit, couldn't you have picked, I dunno, Red-eye, or something?

Even Deidara would have been a better choice. At least the blonde was pretty. Because Kakuzu was definitely not pretty. He was the very definition of hideous. And those threads… those black threads which could come out of nowhere and virtually molest him. Hidan shuddered, remembering the feel of those threads inching along his unsullied skin. Yes, that was definitely what Kakuzu was doing. He was deliberately molesting him! How could he sleep in his bedroom now, knowing that Kakuzu was going to molest him? Would he forever have to sleep on the couch? Fuck that, how could he even live in headquarters knowing that Kakuzu was constantly thinking dirty thoughts about him?

Unless… he wasn't in headquarters.

"I have to leave the Akatsuki," he realised aloud.

Hidan had to leave as quickly as possible, before his celibacy and sanctity were compromised. And he had to leave now, before anyone finished breakfast or came looking for him – especially before Pein realised he was abandoning the organisation. It didn't matter either way, he didn't care about saying any goodbyes. He hated them all. Bunch of heathen pussies, the lot of them. He wouldn't miss them.

Not at all. Not even Tobi. Nope, he definitely wouldn't miss that idiot.

Hidan hesitated, fingers clenching on the shrubbery that was growing under Zetsu's bed.

Right. He was abandoning the Akatsuki. Now. Hidan began wriggling out, cursing when vines entangled themselves around his ankles. Okay, seriously, one of these days he was going to invade the fucking jungle that was Zetsu's room and spray it with a gallon of pesticide. He pulled himself out from under the bed, kicking at vines which he could have sworn squeaked in protest.

He was surprised to feel a papery substance under his fingers and he glanced down to see a pamphlet tangled around a shrub. Curiously, he unfolded the pamphlet, idly noting the words 'escort service' but almost fainted when he saw the picture on the cover.

A woman. A naked woman. Her face plastered with gaudy makeup, she leered up at Hidan with what was supposed to be a seductive gaze. He choked as the image of naked female breasts burned themselves onto his retinas, and he flung the obscene leaflet away, already feeling Jashin's wrath descending upon him.

His eyes, his precious unsullied eyes, had gazed upon a prostitute. A whore.

Hidan scrambled clear of the bed and immediately sat on his knees, clasping his rosary tightly between his hands in prayer.

"God, please forgive me for the sin I've just committed. Once again, I have fallen under the unclean influence of heathens. I ask for thy blessing and the strength to continue living in this blasphemous household. To repent, I promise to sacrifice five virgins in thy name, seriously. And—"

Hidan paused mid-prayer, eyes narrowing as he realised something.

What if Kakuzu's abnormal behaviour was simply because he was... horny? Kakuzu was a cheapskate of the highest degree, it was to be expected that he couldn't bring himself to pay for sex when he wanted it. Hidan knew that Kakuzu had the morals of a dog. He certainly wouldn't complain if his partner brought him a prostitute for free.

The more he thought about it, the more Hidan was convinced that this was his answer. Once Kakuzu's lust was sated, there would be no need for him to chase after his ass. Hidan's virginity would be saved and he wouldn't have to leave the Akatsuki.

But oh, the irony. A prostitute, a prostitute of all people, was going to be his saving grace.

Hidan glared up at the ceiling.

Seriously, there were times when his god had a pretty fucked up sense of humour.

To be continued