Xemnas had long since come to the conclusion whoever he was before, whoever he had been, was dead.

Maybe not physically, since his body technically was still up and about, but his Nobody bore so little in common with him beyond the memories he had inherited.

In his memories, he was a naive, empathetic, stubborn, caring fool of a man. He was fiercely devoted to what he loved and he knows if the time had come, he would have died to protect the ones he cared about.

In present day, Xemnas couldn't be farther from that.

Although certain aspects did linger, that was undeniable. As much of a blank slate as he was in the beginning, years of memories resurfacing as frequently as waves breaking on shore had rendered him with an incomplete puzzle of memories; a flawed tapestry of his own history. The memories he had regained, he hypothesized, has only been severed and he unintentionally reattached them. Others, more important gaps in memory such as the entire timeframe between living happily with Master Eraqus and his friends and revolting against Master Ansem for his own goals to be met with the other apprentices, remained a blank; as if the tapestry had simply been burned away. The more he recalled from his dead self, the more mannerisms like his rose to the surface - he'd occasionally be caught with the urge to ruffle Zexion's unruly hair as he passed; to hum along to music he might hear on a mission; and most grievous of all, to crave approval from Xigbar, of all people.

It was ridiculous, frankly. Yes, he trusted Xigbar, but not really. As surprising as it might have been after the incident, Saïx had proved to be his most trustworthy confidant in the years following his attempted escape from the Organization. It had taken a few weeks for him to come around completely - he fought the whole process, and Xigbar did comment on his inexperience with it other than seeing it happen "once or twice."

And therein lied his dilemma with Xigbar. There was no doubt he was loyal to Xemnas, but there was no gauging how much he knew that wasn't revealed to him.

It had been just under eight years since he first found Aqua's armor, eight years since his memories began pouring back. In the beginning, vague recollections of someone important and similar to Xigbar plagued him and he blames his continued reliance on him on the early days of confusion. He now understood that in the worst of his identity crisis, he reached for anything and anyone similar to what he could remember and after years of repressed memories returning, understood much of his past was entangled with both Braig and Master Eraqus. He also understood that if the Master were to meet him again as he was, as Xemnas, he would do everything in his power to prevent him from dishonoring the name of who he had been - whatever that was - any more than he already had. Not that he could succeed in that, of course. But he would certainly try his hardest to his last breath. As opposed to Xigbar, who actively encouraged him and the others to... how did he phrase it that time, "keep things interesting."

But if he was brutally honest with himself, he still didn't understand who he was.

Xemnas knew of his past life with Aqua and the others, but there was a double layer that was hard to understand. He remembered fighting Braig, being mocked for his lack of skill, and the rage he felt in that moment fed the bolts of darkness he sent that scarred his face. But simultaneously, he recalled a serious fight with the man who was his former master that happened in almost the exact same way; though instead of being belittled by the man he trusted, he was being pleaded with to go home. He had wanted him to turn back from the path he was on, that their master had trusted him with his own keyblade and expected him to do right, but he instead chose to maim his own best friend's - master's? - face with darkness.

If there weren't the ridiculous dual memories of two lives, Xemnas would have had everything sorted by now but the more he thought he understood his past, something would come screaming at him out of the blue and make him realize just how confused he continued to be.

If he were a less in-control person, he would have slipped up. As integral Xigbar's support was to their goal, he simply couldn't trust him beyond a professional level as evidenced by the fact he'd been following Xemnas to the Chamber of Repose.

"I don't recall inviting you to join me," he spoke aloud, not bothering to slow his pace. "Or is my memory going?"

"You say that like you had one to begin with," Xigbar blinked into existence at his side, matching his walking speed. "How'd you figure it out?"

"Only Demyx is less subtle than you."

"Hey, I'll sue for workplace harassment," he sounded offended, over exaggerating his body language to go with the act. Beyond that, he didn't seem all that surprised that he'd been found out.

"What's your deal with the Chamber of Repose anyway? The others have been starting to talk, y'know." Xigbar's light tone was belied by the abruptly keen look in his good eye. "Not telling Saïx I can get, the guy might as well keep his claymore wedged up-"

"Cut to the point already," Xemnas interrupted.

"What I'm saying is I've been your number two for way longer than the Organization's been around, we've been neck deep in crap a million times worse than whatever this is all about." He made eye contact with Xemnas then, like he had just cracked a joke only he understood. Xemnas typically ignored it when he made that face but it was grating, to say the least, when he made it trying to convince him of something. "And I gotta say, it's a little hurtful you've been keeping me in the dark lately."

"You say that, but how do I know you haven't just been taking advantage of me not having memories from before?" Xemnas stopped then with a definitive click of his heel on the floor, rounding on the sharpshooter, the lie slipping easily off his tongue without second thought. "I've been blindly trusting you as my number two for ten years and the one reprieve I have-"

"I'm just worried you're forgetting our goal." A hint of malice had slipped into his tone, betraying just how serious Xigbar was.

There seemed to be an unspoken staring contest at that, gold matching gold. The shorter man's face proved just how serious he was - not a hint of humor in his expression for once.

Xemnas refused to look away, only speaking when Xigbar submitted, glancing to the side with a disgruntled expression. He was the Superior, regardless of Xigbar's concerns, and he was to be treated as such. "Kingdom Hearts," he finally said, "We need the keyblade to open Kingdom Hearts and rekindle the connection with our other selves."

Xigbar looked surprised, to say the least, eyebrows shooting to his forehead. "You remember all that?"

"The fact you even consider that I'd forgotten is an insult," Xemnas said, eyes narrowed. He began to walk again, down the lazily winding staircase. Xigbar moved quickly to catch up, walking beside him once again.

"No, I- I'm just surprised, is all. How long did you know?"

He looked at him from the corner of his eyes. Lesser men would have immediately been prostrating themselves but it was like Xigbar had said. Even if any of them were truly capable of being intimidated, they were in far too deep together to be daunted by the other. "It's been our mission from the start. I don't forget my motivations so easily."

"Right, right." Xigbar looked like he was still processing the information he'd been giving, face pensive. "So since you remember, do you have any suggestions for the thirteenth member?"

"Why?"

"We're still short one, 's far as I know and we can't crack Kingdom Hearts without the χ-blade. It's still a ways away from being set to go but since you remember, what d'you think?"

Xemnas was quiet. "Of the two we've been observing, I'm most impressed with Sora's capabilities. Riku has been nothing but a disappointment since their departure from the islands."

When the Organization first began watching the two boys, he'd personally been most interested in Riku of the two. Sora seemed weak in comparison, though both paled in to Kairi's importance to their plans. He'd been certain that Riku would be more than capable of carrying out the Organization's needs, having a certain amount of pride when he would best Sora in their mock swordfights on the beach. However, when darkness consumed Destiny Islands, they weren't swift enough to secure Riku before he fell into Maleficent's manipulations and weak little Sora unwittingly stepped up to take the place meant for Riku to combat the heartless. Riku's hesitation throughout the matter thus far had caused Xemnas' interest to wane; his conflict with Sora garnered no sympathy from him.

He'd had his friends and he hadn't wavered, yet in the end he still lost his family.

Sora, on the other hand, was both simple and capable. His singular drive to find the Princess would be easier to harness than Riku's nebulous inner conflict, all they'd have to do is employ a bit of carrot-and-stick measures to keep him along the path of freeing hearts.

"Huh? Really? I'd think it'd be easier to nab Riku now, he'd probably be more, uh... pliable than Sora."

Xemnas' brow creased. What was that supposed to mean? "It would be easier to manipulate him to serve our cause, but he's a fool who would fail us like-" He cut himself off there. He was unsure where he was going with that line of thought, but he knew it tread dangerously close to his cache of memories. He also knew he had to continue the statement lest he not rouse Xigbar's suspicion again. "-the keyblade wielders before him."

The Keyblade War was common enough knowledge for them at least. The initial conflict over Kingdom Hearts and what lay beyond was the foundation for their plans, they all knew this.

Xigbar nodded sagely, smirking at that. "Like we'll get a batch that stupid again, as if. Man, sometimes I wish we had Terra again; he was dumb enough to do anything you'd say to him right up 'til the end. Minus that whole scrap with him screwing my face up, but that's practically nothing lost in comparison to what we won out in the end."

Xemnas felt like all the blood left his body, leaving only ice in his veins. "What?"

"Y'know, Te-" Xigbar glanced back up, eye widening when he saw Xemnas' expression. "Terra? That idiot you're wearing like a sock puppet? You seriously remember our goal, but not the first go we took at it?"

He was frozen for just a millisecond longer, heart in his throat. He was hyper aware of himself; the blood roaring in his ears, the loudness of each breath he would take, the pounding of his heart. "I'm afraid not," he said. It sounded cold, but it was no different than his usual tone he would speak to the other members in. Xemnas turned away facing forward once again, any pretense of camaraderie between them dissipated and the figurative wall of ice back up between them. "If I catch you eavesdropping or following me here again, I don't care how important you are to the Organization. You'll be made an example for our would-be traitors."

He didn't say anything, but Xemnas could feel his single shrewd eye burning a hole in the back of his head.

"...Right," he eventually said in a strange voice. Not sounding threatened, no; more like he'd stumbled on a puzzle he didn't know needed solving. "Being turned into a dusk would really ruin my week for sure."

That struck a chord of familiarity, but he ignored it until a barely audible fwip indicated that Xigbar had warped away.

Terra. Terra, Terra, Terra.

The door opened and in a rare moment of weakness, Xemnas collapsed in the chair within the Chamber of Repose.

He covered his amber eyes with his hand, lump in his throat. Was this grief? Was this emotion? No, the first butterfly kisses of a migraine against his skull. It was a headache, nothing more. "Terra," he said, "Terra was my name."

As usual, Aqua's armor didn't answer.