Parasite Eve: the Parody.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Parasite Eve or "Pinky and the Brain". Or the NRA. Or Little Kuriboh. Or any and all zombie movies. Or Yu-Gi-Oh. Or Star Wars. Or Barney. I also made up the Book of Inspirational Quotes. Hey, you can't blame a girl for covering her bases.

Things are about to get crazier. Or at least more humorous. Nah, scratch that, it's just going to be crazier.

Resonance, Part 2

or

Yes, Virginia, There Are Alligators in the NYC Sewers.

Aya dropped down the hole and then saw a small, ghostly girl who looked very familiar... Very familiar indeed...

"Hey, you're the girl from the flashback!"

The mysterious girl sighed. Did she suffer brain damage in the car accident too? She ran off towards the doors and disappeared.

"Hey! Come back here!" shouted Aya as she chased after her. Aya ran through the hallway and entered a room with two burnt bodies. Aya shivered. "I see dead people..." Suddenly, one of the bodies twitched and groaned. Aya whirled around and pointed a gun at the body. "It's a zombie!"

The charred woman gasped out her dying words: "Not... a... zombie... Melissa... is...a...mon-"

Aya emptied her gun into the woman's head. "Take that, you undead fiend! You won't be eating anyone's brains tonight!" Aya beamed "And to think Daniel called me crazy for watching those zombie movies."

Eve and her new sidekick were plotting in the piano room. "What are we going to do tonight, Eve?" asked a white lab rat.

"The same thing we're going to do for the next six days, Pinky." replied Eve. "Try to take over the world!

"Hey, what happened to Brain?"

"Oh, he's on a special mission. He's doing great and can't wait to see you." Eve said.

Meanwhile, in a small, filthy cage in the Warehouse...

"It feels like I'm dying inside!" moaned a shackled Brain.

Not much later in the piano room...

"By the way, I'm sending you to fight Aya. I'm sure you can beat her." Eve smiled and patted Pinky on the head before shooing him into the corridor.

"Hey, I feel kinda funny." said Pinky. "I feel like... like my mitochondria are rebelling against me, turning me into a nearly unrecognizable monster."

"Do you even know what mitochondria is?"

"Yep, it's the moldy cheese I ate an hour ago. Narf!"

Eve sighed. Was brain damage a part of his testing?

Back to Aya. She searched chests, fought mutated parrots and rats, and waded through a bunch of dead people. Technically, looting other people's lockers and chests would be stealing and invasion of privacy, but since the theatre is overrun with monsters, all is well. God bless RPG logic! Aya opened a chest and found ammo. "Hold on! Why would there be live ammo in a theatre? Wait a minute..." Aya pulled out her program for that night's performance. On the back it said, "Tonight's performance is sponsored by the Fine Arts Committee of New York and the NRA. That still doesn't explain how the rats drop ammo." Aya said.

While she was pondering this, Aya entered Melissa's (AKA Eve's) room and proceeded to read her diary. "Hmm, take more medicine and practice for the part Suzanne and I have... I feel hot, need more meds... collapsed today, need more meds... Suzanne's apartment mysteriously bursts into flames and convenently paves the way for me to take the part alone, need more meds... Hmm, junkie much? Five bucks says there's pot in her drawer." Aya searched the drawer, but instead found a Theater Key. "I don't know why, but I have a feeling this random key will be needed later on."

As Aya approached the door at the end of the hallway, a large mutant rat popped out in front of her. This rat, however, was different. The fur was albino, its teeth was flat instead of sharp and pointy like the other mutant rats, and the nose was red and the size of a basketball. The rat's eyes met Aya's for a brief second. Then...

"Zort!" With that, Pinky bounced over Aya and down the hall, looking for cheese. If he was going to kill this Aya person, it was best he do it on a full stomach.

Aya unlocked the door and entered the piano room, where Eve was waiting. "Hi! Ready for Pointless Battle Number 2?"

"Bring it on, freak girl!"

The battle really was pointless: Aya's signature "called shot to the head" didn't work this time, so Aya had to duck Eve's beams of light, and shot her in the torso a few times. However, the battle ended without Aya gaining EXP. "I went through this stupid battle for nothing!?"

"That's right. Now it's... FLASHBACK TIME! A white light blinded Aya and she had a vision of the same small blonde girl on a hospital bed, overseen by a dark-haired man in a white lab coat.

"Hey! That's just the same flashback as before, just with a mysterious doctor!" said Aya.

Eve sighed "Did you not notice Maya?"

"Who?"

"Grrr... just evolve already, ok? Maybe then you won't be a complete idiot. Now follow me!" said Eve as she crashed through the floor into the sewers below. Aya tried to follow Eve, but a mutant alligator blocked her path.

"Alright, boss fight time! Momma needs a pair of alligator boots and a purse to match!" Aya again tried to use her "called shot to the head" technique but kept getting hit by the alligator's tail. Suddenly, the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared and said "Use the force, Aya!"

"Wrong galaxy, old man!"

"Hold on, young lady; I'm supposed to say something inspirational here..." Obi-Wan looked in his Book of Inspirational Quotes. "Hmm..."I got it! Believe in the Heart of the Cards!"

"I'm not playing a frigging card game!"

"Okay... I love you, you love me-"

"How is THAT inspirational?!"

"Friendship can overcome anything! Oh wait... that's in the Tea section of the book. My bad."

Aya was growing frustrated with the Jedi spirit. What will words of inspiration do anyway? Take out the tail? Suddenly Aya had an epiphany. "Yes, that's it... kill the tail and the head will follow. Time to use my newest technique, which I just now made up: CALLED SHOT TO THE TAIL!" Aya aimed her gun at the alligator's tail, fired, ... and missed. Fortunately, the bullet instead hit the alligator's spine and paralyzed it from the neck down. The alligator fell face first into the water and drowned a few minutes later. Ironic, isn't it?

"Now I got it!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "The Force will be with you always."

"That was rather anticlimatic." said Aya. She crawled out of the sewers and came face to face with another feared creature: the rabid reporter.

"How are you the only survivior of this massacre? What attacked the theatre tonight on Christmas Eve? Where did you get those awesome boots and matching purse?" Before Aya could answer, the reporter got mauled by a large white mutant rat.

"Cheese!" Pinky shouted, clawing for the grilled cheese sandwich the reporter had conveniently brought along. As Aya made her getaway, Pinky finished his sandwich. "Now what was I supposed to do again?"

Love it? Hate it? Want to burn me at the stake? You could just get Eve to do it, you know. But what Eve can't do is leave a review. Tell me how I did, please!