Chapter Two: The New Icha Icha Paradise

Years flew by. Sasuke spent just as much time in the Hidden Leaf as he did abroad – and no, that is not as innocent as it sounds! Sasuke's porn addiction only intensified to levels even beyond the likes of Kakashi, and that was really saying something.

Of course, he would not call it an addiction. Or an obsession. Or a passion. Not a psychological issue, problem in general, or 'just a way of life.'

No, no, no. The female form was art, and was to be admired and revered. Preferably in its purest form, without silly obstructions such as clothes. Though that is getting ahead of ourselves a bit. Sasuke didn't spontaneously leap from fictional porn to the real thing overnight.

… Though he came pretty damn close to doing just that.

No, Sasuke stuck to his first Icha Icha for about a week. He held out for that long before returning to the Hidden Leaf with great haste. That week, no matter what he did or where he went, his mind firmly clung to the memorized text of Icha Icha Paradise. Icha Icha had become an integral part of Sasuke's very Soul.

Sasuke's return lasted no more than an hour. He located Kakashi, forcibly returned the first book, and then demanded the rest of the series. Kakashi tried to weasel out of Sasuke's demand, torture him by lending out one book at a time, but the man was foolish enough to reveal his apartment's location to the fanatical Uchiha Clan Head.

Kakashi left his apartment and returned home later that day to an empty bookcase; even those porn novels not penned by the infamous Toad Sage were gone. But it was the loss of the other nine volumes of Icha Icha that really bothered the retired Hokage. Kakashi had sooo looked forward to torturing his former student; first by slowly going through the Icha Icha series, and then by introducing him to other series that were less well-known, but still good all the same.

It never even occurred to Kakashi that he had created a monster. A threat to all bathing girls everywhere. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Sasuke would never dare harm the fairer sex… just perv on them. Without them ever knowing, because his skillset was ideal for his new lifestyle.

Meh. It wasn't his problem. What Sasuke did in his own time was his own damn business. As long as Sasuke was doing something perverted, Kakashi just did not care. Jiraiya's legacy would live on so long as Sasuke played his part…

And play it he did. Sasuke played it very, very well… For a while, all he did was read during his travels. Never paid attention to the welfare of the other nations, as he'd set out to do in the beginning; so engrossed in his reading was he that Sasuke began to get Ideas. Icha Icha was sublime in every way. Honestly, to critique the series in any way would be heresy; critics should be drawn and quartered.

But Sasuke envisioned additional scenes for Icha Icha. Like that one scene with Hotaru… And that other one Kagome… And that delectable one with Mikoto… And that tub scene with the bubbles…

And those other porn novels certainly fueled Sasuke's creativity. The creative juices were really flowing in this one. Ideas would eventually lead to Sasuke's Sacred Mission – that is, the continuation of the divine and Kami-ordained Icha Icha series.

… If Sasuke noticed that his mother's name was used in Icha Icha, or that the character greatly resembled her from what he could remember, he didn't seem to care. If Sasuke noticed that there was a scene between his mother and Naruto's father, he didn't seem to be offended. That scene was hot. And Sasuke had an Idea for an expansion of that scene anyway.

In the Pure World, Fugaku, Minato, and Kushina were all doing their utmost best to restrain Mikoto before she could tear into the Toad Sannin. Again. For the third time.

They were all very perplexed as to Mikoto's murderous behavior. She wasn't exactly a prude when she was alive; hell, she was one of the biggest supporters for Icha Icha.

Well, except for one scene.

"What'd I do?!" Jiraiya exclaimed from his spot behind a tree that was a hundred yards out from Mikoto's reach.

"It's your fault!" Mikoto hissed like an angry Tora and fought vigorously to escape the grips of her captors.

Kami that woman could be scary…

"I thought you'd be proud that Sasuke wants to continue my work!" Jiraiya tried to defend himself.

"Not that scene, you bastard! You still need to be castrated for that!"

Minato sighed tiredly as he narrowed his eyes at his Sensei.

"She kinda has a point, Sensei," Minato dryly remarked.

"No she doesn't!" Jiraiya replied indignantly. "You were both in support of it at the time!"

"I was young and naïve!" Mikoto hissed. "Minato-kun was Kushina-chan's; and if there's one thing we never shared, it was husbands!"

"Why?" Jiraiya and Minato chorused dumbly.

"Minato-kun is too much of a pretty boy! Just look at that unblemished face! Only Kushina-chan should own such a pretty boy! … Even if he did become Hokage… I was perfectly fine with owning the Clan Head, as unattractive as he is. She who controls the Clan Head controls the Clan!"

"…"

Pure. Unadulterated. Silence.

Yeees, indeedy. Sasuke had Plans. But he couldn't just continue Icha Icha with a paltry amount of additional scenes (approximately seventy eight). Fans would want New Material. New characters. New adventures. New smut.

Sasuke would need to conduct research. He'd already committed Kakashi's collection to memory, but Sasuke needed visuals. After all, the best kinds of sources are primary sources, and as great as Kakashi's collection was, they were only secondary sources. The literary word could only do so much – but that was not a critique of Icha Icha. No. Icha Icha had visuals, too; yet Sasuke stubbornly insisted to himself that he needed new visuals.

And that was how Sasuke began frequenting bathhouses and hot springs. The one back home in the Hidden Leaf was his favorite; kunoichi were more likely to appear in a hot springs set in a Hidden Village, and the Hidden Leaf's kunoichi were the very best of the very best of all the kunoichi out there.

The fact that he went to school with some of those kunoichi, and the fact that many of those kunoichi were married, mattered very little to Sasuke. He was untouchable. Sasuke cloaked himself in Genjutsu whenever he was in the middle of Research, and whenever someone came close to discovering him, he would lull them back into a false sense of security with his classy Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan.

The objects of his admiration needed to remain absolutely clueless of his Sacred Mission. Yet they also needed to be willing to do anything for him without knowing it was for the sake of Research. The Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan was really, really helpful. Oh so helpful.

Oh yes, Kakashi had created the world's biggest, most successful pervert. He hadn't been caught even once over the years.

Sasuke did eventually put pen to paper and started drafting the next generation of Icha Icha. But there was a tiny snag. He couldn't put his name on the cover; he would need to use an untraceable Pen Name. Lest Sakura catch wind of his Sacred Mission, that is. She shouldn't complain, given that Icha Icha helped to conceive Sarada in a kinky way, but Sakura would likely be very furious and unreasonable.

No, Sasuke could not risk it. He created the perfect Pen Name. It was brilliant.

The second generation of Icha Icha would be penned by the mysterious Chi Ita.

Author's Note:
Oh, Sasuke… I love what the crack does to you. :D Hope you enjoyed. ^^

Review Replies:

Fallen's Child: Thanks! It's fun. :D

Ms Spooky1: Yeah, but the focus will be on Sasuke for now… We will be seeing Naruto and Sakura later, I suppose. For now Sasuke has embarked on his journey as a writer. :D

Duesal Bladesinger: Good. :D

Yungsun: Thanks! ^^

Black' Victor Cachat: Yup. This is fun. :D