I own nothing but my misspellings and my twisted brain.
PS: I apologise for the misspelling in all the chapters. I am writing this on my phone and English is not my first language. Spellcheck for English doesn't exist in the document I am using. Most of them are because my fingers are too FAT :) and writing too fast, but I am goint to correct them as soon as possible. Sorry for that. Love u anyway...
I know what my body does to people. It is the only way for me to come in contact, because my intelligence and my quirks to analyze and to ramble about anything doesn't help. It is more the other way around. Though there is one exception.
I met her two months ago in a nightclub. I am not normally the one going out to party, but my roommate had obviously decided to pry me away from my books. I was willing to give her that for now, she is nice, though I wouldn't consider her as a friend. Just politely and nice.
I let her talk me into going out with her and I am grateful for that, not because I like the loud and intoxicated crowd in there so much. No. My interest only is directed to one single person.
She is tall and stunningly beautiful. Pitch black, long and flowing hair. Eyes, rich in color, like the espresso I love in the early morning.
If you would see me, you would think, like most people, that I am experienced and sharing my bed each night with a different guy, but I am far from this.
My name is Maura Dorothea Isles, I am twenty, certified genius, M.D. I graduated at Boston Cambridge University last year and I am close to finish my study of pathology. Foremost I am the nerd, the poindexter, Maura-the-bora, Dr. Zombie to others but I got lucky with a body most people envy and so I could pick out of thousands of people.
But that is not what I want.
I didn't know what I wanted... until two months ago.
I never got further than a kiss with a boy I tried to date some time ago. Though I am still a virgin I know very well what is going on. I studied all of those hormones to exhaustion and now I want to experience them, all of them, with her. Never a person stirred something like that in me...
She is nice and we meet more often in these two months. A cup of coffee here, a walk over the campus there, before we had to split and walk into different buildings, a shared lunch underneath a tree.
I know she was interested, I could clearly see the signs and I am pretty sure she knew that I want her, but every meeting proceeded like we were two twelve-year-old classmates. I appreciate that she is chivalrously, not as forward as others are and if she's not a damn good liar I think she really likes me. For me. She laughs with me not over me.
But there was something holding her back. We were already two times so close to kiss, but both times we got interrupted and I saw that she was grateful for it, however, oddly enough it didn't hurt. Jane Rizzoli is a mystery I was going to solve.
I know pretty much everything about her and I know that though she comes from an Italian family, homosexuality is not a problem, because her aunt is in a same-sex relationship since forever and nobody seems to bother. It seems so normally that it came up by accident as she described her family for me. Without wavering or the smallest hesitation she told me that there was Aunt Rosa, sister of her father, living in the same street as they did, and her partner Charlotte.
Partner was her choice of word. A word that paraphrases acceptance, egality, love.
It wasn't our different upbringing, our background either. She never seems to be intimidated by my wealth or intelligence. She laughed it off and said we had to pee too.
The more I got to know her and the longer she made me waiting the more I wanted her.
Tonight I solved the puzzle.
Intersex, in humans and animals, is a variation in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, or genitals that do not allow an individual to be distinctly identified as male or female.
We were out, to the same nightclub we first met. We danced a lot and also had a lot to drink. Although there was always a small space, an unscalable distance between us she turned me on to no end. Like all the times before, she left me high and dry, though dry was probably not the right word.
She excused herself to the restroom and while I sat there, waiting... like always, I decided to take my chance, so I followed her.
As she opened the door of the stall I used the moment of surprise and pressed her back into it, up against the wall. I didn't kiss her right away. I would never dare to force someone...
I came dangerously close with my face to hers, breathing the same air.
"I don't know if it is my imagination but I want us to stop this silly game. I like you Jane. I think I am falling for you and I know for sure that I want you." I leaned in a bit closer, my lips nearly touching hers. "So tell me to stop or I am going to kiss you."
Before I knew what was happening I was up against the wall on the other side and we were kissing, the perfect mix of desire and gentleness. Her left hand caressing my face, her right on my side. I pulled at her, needing as much as contact as I could have, pressing her against me.
Oh she was good at hiding, but not that good and I felt the exact moment as she realized that I had noticed. I don't know if she would have run, but I didn't let her. I cupped her bottom and pressed her even harder into me, still kissing. What did it matter that I could feel her, quite the contrary, it was the ultimate evident for me that she was turned on too, turned on by me.
What did it matter? She could have four arms, three legs and two heads and I still would like her. Yes I know, people probably could say now, of course I would say that, but I can't lie and it honestly wouldn't have mattered. I was called a freak my entire life, mind my looks I am far from shallow. I like her, more than that, I have no experience but I dare to say I was already in love with her.
With the warm and gentle soul, with the loyal and tender friend. What does it matter that she is not average in her anatomy when she is not average in anything?
"Don't run from me Jane, please," I whispered against her lips and if not completely but I felt her relax a little.
We are lying in my bed right now. No, we didn't rush home, shredded each others clothes and did it like some hormone-driven animals. Quite the contrary.
We walked home, slowly. Snuggled into her side, her long arm around me, my hands meeting on her left side, arms tightly wrapped around her. We stopped every other minute to kiss, to look at each other and suddenly everything seemed so easy.
Probably it was the right thing to do not to voice her condition, just to act like I had known it all along. I hope she understands that I really don't care. She is the same person like she was yesterday, only I got to kiss her now and the opportunity to shamelessly snuggle into her, to caress her lips with my index, to slide my nose along her gorgeous neck.
At some point we need to talk about it. Not about her condition in general but about progress. I would break out in terrible hives and would syncope if I would say that I don't want to be intimate with her. Since the first time I felt more for her most of my night were spent thinking or dreaming about it. About the fact that she would be my first and that she would be gentle and loving, like she always is and that I would be one of the few humans who spent their first experience with someone who truly cared.
I would have to be careful; her wariness probably didn't come far. Either someone had already rejected or hurt her.
I didn't fool myself. People can be very mean; especially teenagers and I can't even start to imagine what she may have to go through. She appears to be strong, confident but her shyness with me spoke another language.
I can feel that she is still tense in some ways, even here in my bed but I have already tuned in to her, acting like it's common, normal.
Normal is a dangerous word. I don't like it, actually. Who decides what's normal? But there is nothing I can think better of right now. I want her to feel comfortable, normal. She has nothing to be afraid of, not from me. Every second we simply lie here, my head on her shoulder, our free hands linked I fall deeper and harder for her. We could be so great toghter. I only have to earn her unlimited trust.
It will be tough, there is nothing to whitewash. Some people may say leave it Isles, go ahead and don't burden yourself with it, but that's not what I am talking about.
It will be tough to earn her trust, to actually explore her. Not because I am afraid... actually because I am afraid, afraid I will do something wrong, afraid she will get something wrong.
What I am supposed to do? So many questions... did she already have had sex, is she comfortable with me touching her, prefers she men or women, does she even want to have sex like that or does she ignore her male part and prefers to use her fingers and tongue, are I am able to satisfy her?
I know I am being ridiculous but all I want is to protect her from any pain and as much as I want her I have no experience at all, not with emotional or physical love and definitively not with intersex. All I know is that I am craving her. Her smile, her voice, her touch.
"Would you go on a date with me? I mean no pseudo-coffee-library-nightclub-lunch-date, a real one?"
I scoot fully on top of her, looking into her face. "They all felt real to me," leaning down to kiss her she whispers 'yeah but I was too cowardly to think of them like that' against my lips.
...
We shared many nights like this for the whole next two weeks, kisses-yes, snuggling-yes, body-contact-yes, bare skin- no. There we were, both twenty, students, with no experience at all, working through things others did years prior. It couldn't have been better. Fingers fisting fabric, lips caressing the few skin that was exposed, soft sighs, pounding hearts, raged breathes and freed hormones. To the end of the first week the close calls were getting harder and I longed for her more than ever.
We had grown together like an old married couple, already co-dependent in some kind of way. At least I could say that for me, as I don't like to guess. I caught myself more often than not asking myself if Jane would like this or that, killing time, wandering through stores and shops until her classes were over. How it would feel to have her by my side every night, to share my life and anything with her and she seemed to have lost any hesitation, nearly any embarrassment when we were both so worked-up that she would become hard against me.
Our date was wonderful, she knows me so well. Though I like good food and enjoy some privileges of my upbringing I rather prefer to spend my time in silence. Like a picnic and a book she read to me while snuggled together on the blanket underneath the tree I use to sit. To make it count she picked me up not until just before sunset. It was a warm summer night and we spent it to the early morning hours before falling asleep in each others arms in my bed.
Most of the students spend the warmer weekends out, camping, making party and so the whole building I lived in was nearly vacated. It somehow didn't feel right to take our relationship to another level with audience next room and the night before was simply too beautiful to ruin it with desire.
With Judy out of the way there was no excuse anymore not to at least explore a little further. I didn't know if we were ready to walk the whole distance but I wanted so desperately to feel her skin against mine.
So I found myself wide awake feeling her fingers softly caressing the outside of my thigh, my silky night chemise ridden up during sleep. Before I allowed myself to think any further I scooted my back closer to her front, captured her hand gently and lead it underneath the fabric, straight up to my left breast. The thought alone had made my nipples hard like steel and the moment her palm cupped me I moaned deeply.
Uncontrolled chain reaction is it called in chemistry. The sound leaving my mouth made her rock-hard against my bottom, her physical reaction to mine again left me soaked wet and we both knew there was no going back anymore.
In one swift move I had Jane on her back, my negligee on the floor and straddled her with only my panties left.
Her eyes not daring to leave mine. I use all my strength to hold myself up in the slightly bent-forward position, reaching for both her hands. I guide them from my tummy slowly up to my breasts, showing her that it is more than desired to touch me wherever she wants. Before I can bow further down to kiss her she comes to sit and her shirts join my nightie on the floor. Her hands softly cup my bottom and she pulls me flush against her, we both moan as our naked upper bodies touch for the first time.
The next fifteen minutes we spent kissing and bathing in the currently discovered joy of feeling each others skin. I am actually so glad I waited for this to share with Jane. All this new feelings and sensations and there is no one I would rather explore them as with her.
Oh my God, she lifts my arms in the air, turning her hands, palms up and let her nails tingle over my skin. My arms, my sides, my thighs. How can something so light and simple feel so incredible good. As her lips touch a particular spot on my neck I ground my hips down on her. Overwhelming... all of it, emotionally, physically.
Please don't start to cry now Isles, it could destroy everything.
I let myself roll to the side, taking her with me. Coming to lie on my back I pull her between my legs. I lift my hips, disrobing my panties. Putting myself into the most vulnerable state I can possibly be, showing her all of my trust. She braces herself on her forearms, left and right side of my face. Softly kissing my neck, my jaw, my collarbones.
I cry out softly as she takes my left nipple into her mouth.
"Sweet Jesus, are you sure you never did this before?" I whisper between low moans.
"Honestly I have no idea what I am doing," she whispers back.
My hands wander down, cupping her firm bottom cheeks. "Don't stop with whatever you are doing."
I grab her left hand on my hip and slowly lead her between my legs, feeling how she is trembling. I buckle my pelvis into her hand at her first touch, moaning rather loudly, nearly drowning the sound coming from her lips.
I have to bite my lip, to not to scream as she starts to move her middle finger. So delicate slowly, deliberated pace and she is driving me crazy. I can't seem to stop my hips moving with her. Feeling her finger zooming in on my entrance I know what she is about to do. She wants to spare me any possible pain.
My hands slide underneath her brief boxers, caressing the skin on her taut butt. Pushing the fabric down I distract her from her purpose. I feel her going stiff; following her gaze my eyes fall onto her pants on the chair.
I grab her face, turning her to me. "There is no need for protection, unless you want to," I whisper against her lips, capturing them in a kiss. I move my hips against her, feeling her erection, panting already hard. I want her and I want her to know it.
She lifts her hips slightly and I stop her own hand from going down, moving mine instead. Biting my lip rather hard, touching her for the first time. Closing my fingers softly around her shaft she moans my name, deep and raw.
"Maur... I don't want to hurt you," I smile up to her, holding her gaze, letting my lip sliding through my teeth. "We will never find out if we not try." Not waiting for her to precede my words I receive the first few inches of her inside me.
"God Jane...," she stops immediately. My hands make it once more around onto her butt, pushing her softly down, taking all of her approximately 5.5 glorious inches inside of me.
"No pain, baby," I whisper, my palms gliding over her bottom. "I promise."
Nevertheless she stays still, kissing me, caressing my tongue gently with her own. I wrap my legs around her, can't getting her close enough to me. Encouraging her to move by pressing my tights together.
Instead of starting to move her hips, pounding into me her whole body glides over mine. Barely noticeable, though so... God, she makes me feel things I didn't know were possible.
"How do you feel, baby?" I ask her, letting my hands tenderly roam over her whole backside, enjoying her incredible muscular body.
"Drunk, overwhelmed," she breathes. "I don't want to disappoint you."
"You don't...," I cup her face in my hands, pecking her lips. "You could never disappoint me. I want us both to enjoy it, I enjoy you immensely, please don't put pressure on yourself."
A mix of hiss and moan pressed into her mouth, simultaneously with a rather violent jerk of my hips and I am sure she hit my G-spot. Suddenly the tingling sensation, crawling over my skin the whole time, seems to gather deep down in my stomach, growing.
I feel all of my muscles start to tense up, meeting every move of hers now.
"Jane... Jane, I am close," I breathe, moaning, panting. My whole body starts to shake, trembling, exertion from the strong tension in my muscles, also a sign for my arriving climax.
Barely spoken, white heat shoots through my body, convulsing, contracting around her. Both our names mix up, chanting them like a mantra. I surely leave half moon-shaped imprints of my fingernails on her back. She presses her face frantically into my neck.
I spread my hands flat on her shoulder blades. "I am here baby," I whisper next to her ear. "That was stunningly beautiful, mind -blowing." I force myself to talk. I know she needs my words now more than I need to breathe. There will be time enough to enjoy the bliss she just made me feel. That will be definitively not the last time I slept with Jane, if she will have me, that is.
"Thank you for trusting me enough to let me love you, Jane."