DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters but so grateful that Stephenie Meyer shared them with us :)

Hello my fellow Twilighters, I've made quite a few changes (10/6/11) hope the've made this a better read. I hope you enjoy the latest venture into my imagination, please let me know your thoughts, any changes you feel should be made. Spelling and grammar are not my strong suit and I welcome any critical review that will help improve the story. Reviews please please please….

INSPIRATION: I of course wondered what Alice's waking had been like and still wanted to see how to fit in bit's and pieces of who she had been into the telling of this experience for her. I hope you like what I imagined.

COMING NEXT: A Southern Gentleman - Jaspers transformation, and first experience in his new life.

Awake

What was this? This pain? It felt as if I had been placed onto a burning pyre. Only two minutes had passed since I had returned to awareness, though how I could judge time I was not completely certain. I had always been able to go inside myself during these moments, but this time the sensations were exponentially worse. How could I continue to exist? Couldn't they just kill me? Please just let me die! I screamed it over and over in my mind, long to practiced in keeping my pain silent, knowing that if I put voice to my agony they only made it worse... I was in darkness though… Why was there pain in the dark? Still darkness was familiar to me, yet somehow I knew that this time if I opened my eyes there would be light.

Amidst the burning I was uncomfortably aware of that familiar sour smell and as I thought on it I began to find it growing stronger. So quickly it was becoming overwhelming as if my sense of smell were becoming a thousand times stronger, as if the hotter I burned the stronger that sense became. Still, it was something I should be used to because... but as I tried to think of the reason it went beyond my grasp my pain making thought difficult.

This pain! This pain was so much more than they had ever inflicted on me before, I had lived in a state of constant suffering for so long my mind had created ways to retreat, to keep me hidden and safe from it. What was different?

Everything seemed stronger more intense, how could this be possible? Hadn't they done enough? I wanted to shout, to scream, to beg them to stop! I wanted cry out at the top of my lungs for mercy. They had finally won. I had finally given in. Did they have to continue with this torture? They had finally taken the whole of me! I could not hide from this new pain. Couldn't they just let me go! I wanted to weep, I had held to hope for so long, that someone would come for me, save me, and now I could not hold out any longer. Why was I so close to begging? Hadn't I learned to bury myself so deep inside my mind that even pain could not reach me? My body had become only a vessel to be visited when I was left in the darkness. I had thought they had reached the limit of what they were able to inflict on me... They?... I could not remember who THEY were. I could not remember…

Trying to reach for something familiar I concentrated on the darkness, darkness usually meant no more torture, no more pain. This time it was a different, it… felt… temporary. As if I could wish it away and bring in the light. The fear that I associated with leaving the other darkness was gone. Other darkness? I reached for those memories but they kept slipping through my fingers. As I grasped at them I suddenly wondered, why? All I saw there were the faces of my tormentors, cold and uncaring men, women, all demons who had treated me as if I were something evil, something disposable. Were they right? Was I so damaged that no one could care for me, maybe even love me?

No! I was not evil! There had always been a place deep within me that that held a light, a love that held me close in my darkest moments, it had whispered it's love, had given me peace even amidst my loneliness and pain. I was blameless it had told me. I had done nothing wrong, they were evil not me! The old feelings came back to me, though faint, but these too were fading into nothing. Had they finally broken me? They always seemed to be whispering and sometimes even shouting at me of the evil they saw in me something that needed to be burned away... My heart beat faster and harder than it ever had before at that thought. Had they set me on fire? Were they finally burning me whole in hopes of killing whatever it was they saw living in me? I could not bring myself to open my eyes and bear witness to my final moments amidst the flames.

Hope still lived in me though. The faith that my next life would be better, that it would hold some peace, some happiness. I could not seem to remember very much about my old life. It was like viewing a film I saw scenes of torture, the physical agony I had endured yet… it seemed to be disappearing. Desperately wanting to hold on to at least who I was I kept reaching for myself, I wanted to at least keep that, the me I had buried deep so long ago. I found I could remember my name, it was... Alice.

I had been waiting for the pain to come again laying in a room that was shrouded, not completely dark but dim, just waiting for them to come back and turn on that machine. Then someone had entered, I had knew him, I knew he would come for me, my little voice had told me. I had turned and then... then... I was set on fire and I had felt the wind rushing as if I were flying. There was also a story, I had heard a man whispering to me about his life, no of lifetimes spent helping others but those memories too were slipping away, though this time I reached harder for them wanting to keep the face of the man who had saved me. Saved me? From what? I couldn't put a reason behind the statement as those memories too faded away. Who did I need saving from?

As I tried to look into my memories they turned to grains of sand and slipped through my fingers. Faces and voices flashing and disappearing into nothing. A sadness began to envelop me and I moved for the first time a rushing washing over my body, the fire finding its way to my heart. I felt the battle as my heart resisted pumping harder and harder, fighting to keep life. The end was near, I could feel it.

The vision began simply, taking me away from the pain of death. He was holding me again... Who was holding me? It was him... Jasper, the other half of my soul, the feel of his arms around me comforted a broken place deep inside. I needed his devotion, his love. He was so powerful, so dangerous, yet he held me as if I were made of spun glass. Every stroke of his finger on my shoulder drew out a sensual shiver down my body. He leaned in close, and I felt his sweet breath whisper over my skin as he spoke the familiar word so low only I could hear. "You are my life!" The soft southern drawl curling the words deliciously, his voice so full of love it physically touched me. I turned in his embrace gazing into his golden eyes, framed by his beautiful golden waves of hair, I moving my face closer my lips reaching for his. I wanted to drown in the passion coursing through my entire being, I wanted him to show him everything he made me feel. Then fate laughed making his image shimmer, blur and fade leaving behind a feeling of love so strong it enveloped me. I wanted to cry out my pain… Bring him back! My light, my voice of love…

My heart was failing but I did not care. I felt a scream building in my mind but before I could let it loose I heard laughter. The vision shimmered in and became solid. They were breathtakingly beautiful, pale and perfect, their eyes golden. Something about them seemed different, not quite human yet utterly familiar. I first noticed the two women, one an impossibly beautiful blond, something about her was comfortable but aggravating at the same time. The other was a gorgeous brunette, looking at her filled me with love, affection and a kind of devotion I was unfamiliar with. I had never felt anything like this before. Before?… These people, this place felt right, I felt that I belonged there with them. There were also four men but once I saw Jasper I could not look away, I lifted my hand as if I could reach out and touch him. Their laughter was different from what I remembered, friendly and familiar not cruel. Cruel? Why would I think laughter was cruel? But as I reached for the reason that too faded into nothing along with the vision.

With no pause a new vision shimmered and solidified. The landscape blurred as a couple sat in a car speeding down the road, I could not make out their features but I could hear their voices.

"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," The young woman asked.

"I don't want to be a monster" he responded.

Why would he hunt people? I felt a shiver at the thought. As I studied his profile I could almost feel the weight of his sadness as he looked at his companion, a look so full of longing it twisted my heart. This vision too faded from my mind and the darkness returned and with it the sound of the day and the burning of my entire being.

Birds were chirping in the trees a gentle breeze blowing through the leaves and grass, a group of ants were marching across a log. Ants? How could I hear ants? Was that possible? And as I formed the thought I realized that I could. I even heard the rush of a river that was about three miles west of where I lay. The same breeze whispered through the leaves that covered me and I decided it was time to open my eyes.

My heart lurched huskily once then twice and finally ceased. With it came relief, the pain had evaporated, it's absence leaving a feeling of relief so strong it was almost overwhelming. But why was I still here?

How was this possible? Shouldn't I be nothing but charred flesh? Was I somehow transported to the next life? At the same time I wondered... Was I outdoors? I couldn't help my excitement. I was never allowed outside the walls of my prison... My prison? Where were my memories? The references that could define my confusion?

I sat up quickly with a start. I had to be dead! I was finally free! That is when I realized that I was wearing the awful stench, the smell that had only increased in strength throughout my suffering. I was wearing a thin hospital gown that reeked of sweat and filth. With no regard to leaving myself naked I removed it quickly refusing to have something so foul that close to my skin. As I looked down at myself I realized something was not right, my skin was pale and perfect, somehow I knew it was impermeable. It was as though my personal guardian had created me stronger in this next life. My body was beautifully formed, every part of me that I could see was perfect, my breasts, my legs even my toes! Everything about me was perfect. As I continued my assessments I noted that all my scars seemed to have disappeared. And my hair was… My hair? I had hair? As I ran my hands through the wispy lengths I almost cried. They had keep my head shaved for so long, I had forgotten the feel of my own hair. As I continued I noticed my wrists no longer bore the marks of having been bound hundreds maybe thousands of times, I didn't feel any raised skin on any part of my body as I used my hands to run down my back my legs to make sure they were all gone all the physical reminders of my suffering had been erased. There was a small raised scar on my hip but it was so small it was barely there. As I touched my face I did not recognize my features. My memories were still slipping away, I did not recognize myself. Was I really dead? Had I truly died? Was I in heaven?

Then there was a burning, this was a different burning. It was localized in my throat. A thirst like none I had ever experienced before. Was I possibly in hell? Where was I, who was I?

"You are a demon sent to punish us!" A woman's voice screeched inside my own mind though I still twirled to see who it was but even before I finished the motion it faded away as it did all of my passed flashed to quickly for sense and vanished as if they had never been, leaving behind a self that had survived and had been transformed into something stronger, beautiful and before the thought could fully form, of what had been, it was gone...

Panic was setting in while the burning in my throat reached new levels of agony as if mounting with every breath that I took. In response to the thought I quickly stopped breathing. It did not lesson the discomfort, the burning continued and I quickly realized I could hold my breath with no difficulty. I did not need to breathe! But my sense of taste and smell were gone so I quickly resumed taking a breath in and out.

I was dead!... I had to be dead! How else could I hold my breath and not need the air? I put my hand to my chest hoping to feel the beat of my heart and panicked when I realized it was not there. Were there no heartbeats in this new life?

As I thought about standing I was surprised to find I was already on my feet as if my thoughts were action. Was I dreaming? Nothing about me was familiar… Though as I tried to think about it I could not remember what was supposed to be familiar. Outside of my own name I really couldn't hold a picture in my mind of what I was supposed to recognize. Why was I here, why had I been wearing that filthy gown, why had I been covered in dead leaves?

And then something in my mind shifted fogging the present and opening a window to something else.

"We are Vampires, though different than the others. We live off of the blood of animals and not humans" The handsome blond man stated calmly. A woman was crouched before him as if ready to attack. She was beautiful, pale with vivid red eyes. Her dark brown hair framed a lovely face, a familiar face. At his words she straightened looking at him with a terribly sad and worried expression. "I'm so scared, I.. I... I don't know if I can do this!" Her voice trembled out, still managing to come out clear and arresting almost mesmerizing. "I don't want to kill anyone" her voice trailed of with a delicate tremble.

"We will help you, we will keep you safe until your strong enough" the handsome blond man responded and he seemed to be making a promise with each word. Then gesturing towards the door he continued "we can teach you to hunt, it will relieve the burning your feeling right now" he carefully turned to the younger man by his side "Edward, shall we go?" the blond man asked. The younger man was equally pale and equally beautiful, and equally familiar. The vision faded and shimmered as they turned towards a door. I should know who they were! I felt it deep inside myself.

As I came back to myself I looked around cautiously, what was I supposed to do? I felt so alone and lost. I had no idea what I was, and the vision I had just witnessed scared me. Vampire? Was that what I was? Was I demon? Had I come from some sort of hell? Was I meant to kill and destroy. The thought felt so wrong, a complete opposite of who I was of who I knew I was despite my lack of memory. As the panic began again my vision shifted once more.

"We are a family you know" The same beautiful woman from my previous vision whispered to me gently, lovingly. She sat beside me, her arms tightly holding me close. She was trying to comfort, her eyes had changed to a beautiful golden hue. Their color somehow gave me a sense of hope and peace. I was so sad and lost "We fight for each other... we help each other" She stroked my hair as she spoke. "It's not always easy Alice, this life is a struggle against our thirst, It's not easy for any of us, even Carlisle" She continued rubbing my shoulder trying to make me feel her empathy. "We just need to keep working with him" leaning her head onto my shoulder she whispered "I'm so glad to have you here. Every single one of you. You and Jasper, Edward, Emmet and yes even Rosalie" she tried to lighten the mood. "All of my wonderful children" her words filled with such love, it made me feel a part of something incredible, something truly special. She turned to look directly in my eyes "I will always love each of you no matter what, always, my love for each of you is unshakable" she hugged me fiercely and the vision shimmered and faded away. Leaving behind a gift, a feeling of belonging, of knowing that somewhere out there was a destiny, one filled with family, with acceptance and most staggering with love. It filled me all my hope in this moment real and tangible like a dream I had always wanted.

Hugging myself the feeling of belonging remained as I did so I remembered, I was naked! Ok, first things first I needed to get some clothes! Just as I turned to decide on a destination the burning in my throat reminded me that apparently I needed to find a meal, an animal, I realized. I certainly didn't want to kill any humans and I certainly did not want to be a monster.

It turned out to be a very messy business. I had to laugh at my lone attempt at hunting. Thankfully I had no clothes to get dirty so I guess it wasn't a bad first attempt. I would just need to practice and practice and practice. I smiled again, I had found a purpose a plan even.

The taste of the blood had lessened the burn but only just, the taste had been bitter and not at all appetizing. I had taken as much as I could though I felt far from satisfied. This was going to take some getting used to. As I waded into the small pool I had found I luxuriated in the feel of the water in the feel of being clean which seemed so unfamiliar.

As I lay at the bottom of the pool reveling in the fact that I did not need to breathe I turned my thoughts to the future. I had found my purpose. A mission to find a love that defied all thought and reason and a family. The thought filled me with such joy it seemed like all my dreams were coming true. Though being alone felt so familiar the thought of finding the others filled me with a longing so intense I wanted to start the search right this moment. I was used to being alone, shut away. Was I? Why? And as if this was the last of the memories of my old life the feeling faded away replaced by the image of the family I was going to find, and the man whose whisper still lingered in my heart. "You are my life!"

So what did I know? Well… my name was Alice, I was a being that drank blood to survive, I had no memory of who I was or where I came from or how I got here, suddenly I realized it was unimportant. I kept getting pictures, images of people I had emotional ties to. First though I had to find Jasper, I knew somewhere deep within me that we were meant to be together and every time I thought of him I wanted to weep because he was not beside me. Pulling myself away from that sadness I decided that next we would find our family. Our family his and mine, it felt so good to think in those terms. I suddenly felt warm and happy and I realized I felt love, the love that I had for him and the love that I had for my family the feeling was overwhelming in it's intensity.

So now I just had to find them all, I smiled to myself, my future awaited and no difficulty on my journey to them seemed impossible in this new body with my determination to have that future. I shouted with joy and unthinkingly launched myself onto the tree just above the pool. I laughed, stopping the sound abruptly, was that me? How incredible! That sound came from me it sounded so foreign to my new ears. I felt amazing, strong, determined and ready to meet whatever came my way!

Though the idea of living naked held merit, the ability to hunt and not worry about getting anything dirty, I still felt 'human' enough to want to be covered. Which made me wonder, do some vampires run around naked? I giggled to myself at the thought as I jumped out of the tree landing softly and gracefully. I was good at this life, I couldn't help but giggle again.

Then the direction of the wind changed and with it came a smell that hit me with the force of a hurricane, my entire being rocked at the impact of that scent. It was sweet an enticement that was a mouthwatering aroma like nothing else I had ever experienced. I wanted it so badly my mouth filled in anticipation. A need so great filled me I was powerless against it. The force of the enticement so great It scared me in it's intensity. An instinct that was stronger than anything I knew took me over completely. I sped towards the scent blind to everything except that need. Before I reached my target, my vision shimmered again and I saw myself descending on an unsuspecting hiker his eyes wide with fear as he screamed his terror. I saw myself beautiful and terrifying, showing no mercy, no ability to stop my assault. I was tearing at his throat desperate to consume every drop of his blood. Even knowing what I was headed to did not change my course my hunger stronger than my will. I reached my victim in the midst of my bloodlust and with no thought I took his life. My mind was livid with this inhuman hunger no other thought but the need to take, the scent overwhelming taking control over who I was, what I believed in, what I wanted to be. In that moment nothing existed by this all consuming need and the pleasure that it gave me overshadowed the evil I as committing. All was dimmed to nothing, almost erased as I savagely satisfied the hunger that bloomed to life at the sweet scent of human blood.

As the haze of my need lifted I was struck by the horror of what I had done. Falling to my knees I knelt by me victim unable to put voice to the pain of what I had done as it tore through my heart and soul. I remained beside him this time not one drop of blood had been wasted so unlike my first attempt to feed. I tearlessly wept, for the monster I had become. All thoughts of joy of hope destroyed by my act. Even now I remembered my inability to control myself at the scent of this poor mans blood. I had taken a life, the truth of it twisting inside me churning, and growing with the pain of my actions. I had attacked not caring for his life only my thirst and I heaved with the sobs I could not control. The grief so great I was unable to think of anything but what I had done. Taken a life, where was my control. Why hadn't I been able to resist? As I despaired for what I had done Jaspers voice whispered in my ear "You are my life!" and Esme, her name coming to me as if I had always known it joined his "I will always love you no matter what, Always!"

I stood up, this life came with a price. And as I thought of those I had to find I knew I would do whatever it took to become stronger. To become worthy of the love I so desperately sought and the family I was going to belong to.

I could not undo what I had done. Turning to the man who I had killed, I quickly took his wallet removing only his license hoping someday to be able to do something for to the loved ones I had deprived of his presence. Not able to take anything else I quickly buried him with as much respect as I could. Promising as I finished my task that I would get stronger, I would learn to bear the responsibilities that came with this life.

The regret for what I had done still lived in me, but I would shoulder this life I would learn to live as … as Carlisle the name slipped easily into my mind as if it had been there, waiting. To live as Carlisle wanted, compassionately and humanely. standing straight I took a first step and then a second steadily falling into a run. I had a lot to do to prepare, to learn to be who I was meant to be before I could meet my destiny.

"Jasper" I whispered as the night descended and my feet took flight.

So my dear readers what did you think?

How do you feel about Alice's awakening?

How do you feel about the way I'm using her visions?

Let me know by giving me a revue :) it would be much appreciated! And as always thank you for reading!