Chapter 2
Jack opened his office door on Monday morning dreading the thought of facing the new week. It had been an effort to try and act normally through the weekend. He thought he had done a pretty good job. Audrey had asked him on Friday night if everything was okay and he simply shrugged and said that he was preoccupied with work. She seemed to accept that and the rest of the weekend was uneventful. But under that quiet façade, Jack's mind was constantly spinning. And as he entered his office, he was still wrestling with the decision to find a way to get Jarrod out of the field ops program or to ignore the risks to his son and allow the young man to forge ahead. He told himself repeatedly that he needed to let Jarrod make his own decisions as he himself had made his own decisions regarding his future. All of the other recruits had parents who loved them. Was it fair for him to put their sons in harm's way while protecting his own? He knew that the answer was no, but at the same time, he found a dozen ways to justify it.
After dropping off his coat and laptop in his office, Jack made his way to the firing range. Every Monday morning started there for Jack and his recruits. The twelve young men were armed and ready to go when Jack walked in. "Gentlemen," he said as a brusque greeting. "We have a busy week ahead of us. I think you're going to find that the intensity of training will go up a notch or two starting today. You've all successfully completed all of the didactic work required for this course. Now I need to see you put it into action. There are a lot of people who can pass the test on paper but I need to know if you can pass the test when the bullets start whizzing by your head. I want you to know that if you can't do that, no one here will look upon you as a failure. Not everyone is cut out to do this job and there's no disgrace in that. I would rather find that out here and now than when you are in a real life situation and your life or the lives of your team members are hanging in the balance." Jack made eye contact with each recruit to further emphasize his message. "Simulated exercises will start tomorrow. This morning you'll be asked to fire all of the weapons that we've worked with. I'm looking for a combination of speed and accuracy at various distances with the different weapons. It's going to be a long morning, but you can't use that as an excuse. You need to maintain accuracy throughout. Any questions?" Jack asked glancing up from his clipboard. "Good, then let's get started."
Jack stepped back and watched as each of the men was put through the paces. He made notes on his clipboard but otherwise said little. It was almost 11:30 when they finally finished. Jack reviewed the information on his clipboard and faced the recruits. "Okay, Holden, Cho and Miller," he started, looking at the three best marksmen. "Good work this morning. It looks like all three of you have completed weapons cleaning and assembly with Agent Evans. Is that correct?"
Each of the men gave Jack a snappy "Yes, sir!"
"Good, then you're free to go to lunch. We'll meet again at 1300 hours in the second floor classroom." Jack paused while the three left the room and then he consulted his clipboard again. "Perez and Beckham, good job. You need to see Agent Evans for your weapons cleaning and assembly test. When you finish that, go to lunch and then meet at the classroom with the others." Without waiting this time, Jack went on. "Cohen and Baines, I'm impressed with your improvement. Both of you have raised your scores significantly since last week. Good work and keep practicing. See Agent Evans to schedule your weapons cleaning and assembly test later this week. I'll see you after lunch."
Jack stopped at that point and looked at the remaining five recruits. Four of them, Winters, Maggio, O'Malley and Stronski, clearly weren't happy, but neither were they surprised, to still be standing in front of their instructor. Marksmanship had not been the strong suit of any of the four. They all knew that they were coming down to the wire and needed to improve their skills soon or they would be cut from the program. Jarrod Keller, on the other hand, couldn't hide the surprise on his face. Through the first weeks of the course he hadn't been among the top marksmen, but he has always been above Cohen and Baines. The hurt on his face of obvious and it cut through Jack like a knife.
Jack ignored the hurt as he addressed the five recruits. "Gentlemen, I expect to see significant improvement from the five of you by next Monday. You will need to schedule firing range time both before and after our training sessions for the rest of the week. I've already talked to Agent Hall, the arms instructor. He will make himself available to all of you this week for additional instruction." Jack stopped and looked at his watch. "You have an hour and a half before we meet for our afternoon session. I suggest you use the time wisely." With that Jack turned and started to walk away. Keller followed him.
"Agent Bauer," he called in a tentative voice that sounded very out of character.
"Yes, Keller," Jack said forcing himself to sound emotionless.
"Could I have a moment with you?"
Jack again looked at his watch as if he had someplace that he had to be. He nodded and stepped into an empty lounge nearby. Keller waited until the door was closed before he spoke. "I'm confused, sir," Keller started. "We spoke on Friday and you didn't give me any indication that my marksmanship scores were this bad. You told me to get in some extra practice, but you never said that I was in danger of failing the course. Has something changed?"
"Your scores this morning were worse than usual," Jack said making sure not to be too specific.
"With all due respect, sir, my scores were higher than any of the other four recruits that you singled out and only slightly lower than Baines."
"You're right," Jack agreed. "You were higher than those four," he angled his head to indicate the four recruits who were still at the firing range. "As far as Baines goes, he has made significant improvement over last week that I didn't see from you. He started out below you coming in this morning and he surpassed you by the end of the session. What I'm telling you Keller," Jack said a little more sharply than he really intended. "Is that you have to work harder. What I'm not seeing from you is the effort required to be really good at this job. And make no mistake about it, agents who aren't really good at this job don't live to tell about it. So I suggest that you stop wasting time and get out there for some more practice."
Jack looked into Jarrod's stunned, hurt eyes and saw anger rise in them. You are your father's son, Jack thought. It was exactly the reaction that he would have had in the same circumstance. Unfortunately, it wasn't the reaction that he wanted. Jack had hoped that the episode would start to break Jarrod's spirit and make him rethink a career in field ops. Instead, it angered him and gave him the determination to show Jack what he could do.
Jack walked away, his emotions mixed. He was both sad that he had hurt his son and upset that he had miscalculated Jarrod's possible reaction. Jack was busy mentally beating himself up over his error when he saw Bill Buchanan and Mike Doyle walking down the hall toward him. They had a standing meeting with the director of Division on the first Monday of the month to assess terror risks.
"Did we miss target practice?" Doyle asked.
"Just finished," Jack told him.
"Damn!" Doyle exclaimed. "Bill told me that you had two recruits for us and I wanted to see them in action."
"Let's not jump the gun," Jack cautioned. "They still have some training left to go. Things can change."
"You told me that you had two recruits that were perfect for CTU," Bill reminded him.
"I'll get you two recruits, Bill, don't worry. After thinking it over, I'm just not sure that both of those men are best suited to CTU. Holden is still a go. I think he's a perfect fit. Keller may not be the man you're looking for. I'm watching two other guys right now that I think could work out better."
Bill shrugged lightly. "You're the course instructor, Jack. I'll take your word on it. You were just so high on Keller the last time we talked that I'm surprised that you've changed your mind."
"To be honest, I'm not happy with Keller's progress. He's got raw talent; I'm just not sure that he can figure out how to channel it."
Doyle spoke up, "I'll get a chance to assess the recruits later this week. You have one of my teams scheduled to help with simulated hostage scenarios. I'm planning to come over with them."
"You don't trust me, Mike?" Jack asked in a slightly insulted tone. "I thought you had more important things to do than play war with a bunch of recruits."
"Of course I trust you, Jack. I don't have to come over if you don't want me to. This is the first time CTU has added new personnel at the recruit level in a couple of years. I just wanted to take a look at them and see how I thought they would fit into my group. If you don't want me here, I'll stay at CTU."
Jack's tone softened a bit. "I didn't mean for it to come off that way, Mike. I'm sorry. You're welcome to join your team. I'm a little on edge this morning. Range practice was more intense than I expected. I need to eat some lunch and calm down. I'll see you on Wednesday," he told Doyle. Then he shook hands with both Doyle and Buchanan and continued on to his office.
By 1 o'clock Jack had calmed down and was ready to meet the recruits in the classroom. Their objective for the afternoon was to discuss hostage situations and get ready for the practice scenarios later in the week. He watched Jarrod carefully throughout the afternoon. The young man's anger was just barely hidden below the surface and his determination was clear. When Jack left to go home that evening, Jarrod was the only one of the recruits still at the firing range and when he came in the next morning, he found that Jarrod had been the first to arrive.
The recruits were particularly animated when they arrived for training on Wednesday morning. They were finally getting to practice what they had learned. Doyle's elite hostage rescue team from CTU hat set up two hostage scenarios. They would be the hostiles and the recruits, dressed in full field agent gear would act as the rescue team. They were divided into two teams of six men each. Keller was in the second group. He and his fellow team members sat on benches with Mike Doyle to watch and critique the other team. Jack and Mike had flipped a coin to decide which of them would be the hostage. Jack lost, so he was the hostage for the first scenario.
Despite their strong effort, team one failed miserably. Even with Holden, a former LAPD SWAT team member in the lead, only two hostiles ended up "dead." The remaining hostiles were able to "kill" four team members and "seriously wound" the other two before "killing" the hostage and escaping. Through it all Jack sat silently as the hostage handcuffed to a chair scarcely able to keep from laughing. He would occasionally glance at Doyle only to see him biting his own lip to maintain control. Neither was angry or upset. They knew that this was how the recruits would learn and were, in fact, impressed at the teamwork that the recruits remonstrated. The rest of the morning was spent reviewing the film of the exercise to determine where the rescue team had gone wrong. Jack and Mike kept it light, but at the same time, made sure that the recruits understood how serious their training was.
After lunch team two was given a different but similar scenario. This time Doyle was the hostage and Jack sat on the bench with team one. As expected, after having reviewed all of team ones mistakes, team two had an easier time of it. They "killed" three hostiles. Four team members were "killed" and in the end Jarrod rescued the hostage. Team one cheered and hooted from the bench as Jarrod and the other "live" team member, Cho, came off of the simulation set with their rescued hostage alive and unhurt. Doyle and all of his team joined in impressed with team two's relative success. Jack, alone, stood silently in front of the observation bench. Jarrod, along with the rest of team two, had a smile on his face as he approached the bench where his fellow recruits were quick to offer high fives and congratulations all around.
"Keller!" Jack called out in an angry voice. "You want to tell me what the hell you were doing back there? You put yourself in an exposed position that could have gotten you killed."
"I rescued the hostage, sir. That was the objective," Keller answered defensively. The easy smile that he wore only seconds earlier was now replaced by a look of surprise similar to the one he had two days earlier when his marksmanship had come into question.
"You can't rescue the hostage if you're dead! You took an unnecessary risk."
"With all due respect, sir, I don't think that I did. It was the only chance we had to rescue the hostage, so I took it. It was a calculated risk. Yes, I could have been shot in the process, but we were backed into a corner. In this case I don't think I had any other choice but to take that chance. Cho and I were able to confuse the hostiles with our fire. Then Cho covered me while I rescued the hostage."
Jack ignored Jarrod's defense. "This isn't a game, Keller. You don't take chances or calculated risks unless you want to be sent back to your parents in a body bag. If you take those same chances when the bullets are real, I won't be able to guarantee your safety. Everybody take a half hour break. We'll meet back here at 1530 to review the film," Jack said as he stormed out of the simulation building and across the parking lot toward Division's main building. Doyle followed him out.
"Jack," Doyle called. Jack didn't respond except to pick up his pace. Doyle broke into an easy trot to catch up. "Calm down, Jack. What was that about?"
"I don't train these guys so they can take stupid risks and end up dead, Mike," Jack said without breaking stride. "They need to learn that."
"I didn't think it was a stupid risk. I thought Keller made a pretty well thought out move there. I'll admit that it was risky and I would hope with practice and instruction that he wouldn't do it in the future, but for his level of training, I think the guy has a lot of potential. His thought process is excellent. I'm not sure berating him in front of his classmates is the best way to get through to him."
Jack stopped abruptly and turned to face Doyle. "The last time I looked, Mike, it said 'Director of Field Operations' above your office door and 'Director of Recruiting, Training and Placement' above mine. If you think you can do my job better than I can, just say so. Maybe the powers that be will agree and give you the job. Then you can see what it's like to train a bunch of naïve kids for a job that can get them killed. Until you get my title, I'd like you to stay out of my business." Jack stared at Doyle for a second for emphasis before he continued back to his office.
Doyle persisted. "You know what your problem is, Jack?"
"No, Mike," Jack said stopping and staring Doyle down. "Why don't you tell me."
"You can't stand to be shown up."
"What are you talking about? I wasn't shown up."
"Yes, you were. You set up a nearly impossible scenario which was supposed to result in failure. Then Keller steps up and takes a risk and succeeds. He rescues the hostage and you think that he made you look bad. So you yell at him like he's a ten year old for taking a risk. Well let me tell you something, Jack. I've seen you take risks that no one in his right mind would take. I've seen you put your ass on the line when you should have waited and called for back up. I was there when you were going to kill yourself with C4 just to make sure that Audrey was safe and that Cheng was dead. You have no right to yell at that kid for taking unnecessary risks considering your own record!"
Jack stood still for a moment, his face red with anger. "Are you finished with your two-bit psychological assessment, Agent Doyle?"
Mike didn't answer. "What's your problem, Jack? Why don't you like Keller?"
"What do you mean? Why would you think that I don't like him? I'm not here to either like or dislike these men. I'm here to make field agents out of them. Whether I like them or not is immaterial," Jack asked incredulously.
"It's obvious that you don't like him. Why don't you like Keller? What did he do to make you so angry? There were other guys out there today who made worse mistakes than Keller and yet you singled Keller out and made a fool of him. What do you have against him?"
Jack looked away, unable to answer at first. "I don't have anything against him. I just think he can be impetuous at times and I'd like to break that before he gets out into the field and that impetuous streak gets him killed."
"That same impetuous streak has served you well, Jack. If you want more of my two-bit psychological analysis, I think the reason that you don't like him is that he reminds you of yourself."
"What? What would make you say that?" Jack could feel his stomach begin to churn. The thought that somehow this secret could have gotten out terrified him.
"He reminds me of you, Jack. The way he thinks and the way he moves, he's a lot like you. I think you see it and subconsciously you don't like it."
"You're crazy, Mike. Keller doesn't look anything like me," Jack said. The statement was true enough. Keller was taller than Jack and his hair was dark. He really didn't look like either Jack or Marilyn, but after looking at him carefully, Jack could see a strong resemblance to Marilyn's older brother.
"I didn't say that Keller looked like you, Jack. I said that he acts like you and thinks like you. If he's half as good an agent as you, he'll be among the best. But you're going to scare him off. Give the kid a chance, Jack. He wants this job and I want him at CTU. So do us all a favor and lighten up."
Jack looked around self-consciously not wanting to meet Doyle's gaze. "I'll try," he said quietly as he turned into the corridor that led to his office.
The rest of the week brought more of the same. The patient instructor that the recruits had come to know for the first few weeks of training had turned into an ill-tempered tiger who would growl and bite at the slightest provocation especially where Keller was concerned. At home, Jack was moody and quiet. He picked up Jillian every chance he got as if trying to make up for never having the chance to hold his now grown up son.
Jack found the weekend to be a much needed diversion. He was particularly looking forward to Saturday afternoon. Audrey had planned to go out for lunch and shopping with some friends while he stayed home with Jillian. The baby had just finished her bottle when the doorbell rang.
Jack stood to go to the door and at the same time lifted Jillian up to his shoulder. He patted her back and praised her as she burped. "That's daddy's girl," he told her. "Let's see who's at the door." Jack passed by a window on his way to the door and recognized his mother's car in the driveway. "Mom," he said with a smile as he opened the door. "What are you doing here? Come on in," he welcomed her with a hug and a kiss.
"I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop and see Jilly," Rachel Bauer Stevens said as she took Jillian from Jack's arms.
Rachel and Philip Bauer had been divorced most of Jack's life. Rachel was young and impressionable when she met the up and coming businessman. Philip had been so charming at first. He was already making a lot of money and he showered her with gifts. Like most college girls, Rachel enjoyed the attention. She dropped out of school to marry Bauer, who promised to always take care of her. They quickly had two sons, first Graem and then Jack, but soon after that the marriage started to sour. Philip was happy to have two male heirs and beyond that he had no need to keep Rachel around. He never laid a hand on her but the emotional abuse was in many ways far worse. On top of that, he cheated on her relentlessly and made no attempt to hide it; friends, neighbors, family all openly spoke of Philip's infidelity. Jack was seven when Rachel finally found the courage to leave. Still somewhat naïve, she hadn't counted on was how really vindictive Philip could be. The divorce turned ugly. Philip had the money to hire the best divorce lawyers in the country while Rachel's parents took out a second mortgage on their home just to pay for a lawyer who didn't have the experience necessary to counter Philip's team. In the end, despite a bevy of character witnesses who could attest to Philip's philandering and emotional abuse, Philip's high priced lawyers painted an image of Rachel as a weak, mentally ill woman who had used Philip Bauer for his money. They contended that she was so mentally unhinged that she was a risk to kidnap Graem and Jack and potentially do them harm. In the end, Rachel's lawyer was simply no match for Philip's and the result was no alimony and only rare, supervised visits with her children.
Rachel was devastated. She loved her sons and would have put up with Philip's abuse had she just realized that she would lose her children in the divorce. She never failed to show up for a supervised visit, but all of the time the boys spent with Philip gave him more than enough chance to poison their minds against their mother. Within a few years, both boys were convinced that their mother was some kind of ogre and they would refuse to see her when she arrived for visits. No amount of pleading by the distraught woman would make them agree to see her.
Rachel eventually remarried and had two more children. By then she had given up trying to see Jack and Graem but continued to hope that someday they would understand what their father had done and would reconcile with her. In the meantime, she never forgot a birthday or holiday, sending a card and letter and a small gift. It wasn't until shortly after Jack and Teri were married and Kim was born that Jack made his first attempt to see his mother. The reunion was more fulfilling than Rachel could have ever hoped for and Jack and Rachel had been close ever since.
As always, Jack was happy to see his mother at the door, but he was also somewhat suspicious of her motives. "So you were just in the neighborhood," he said in a questioning tone. Rachel didn't live close to Jack and Audrey and had little reason to "be in the neighborhood" unless it had been planned ahead of time.
Rachel didn't bother to play the game. She knew that she had been caught. She smiled at Jilly. "Okay, your daddy caught me. I never have been a very good liar," she said as she looked up at Jack.
He couldn't help notice how really beautiful she was. She had aged gracefully and looked years younger than she actually was. If anything added to her age, it was her snow white hair which she kept cut short in an up to date style. Her clothing was fashionable, but more importantly, fit her small frame perfectly emphasizing the fact that she was still in shape and exercised regularly.
"Audrey called me. She's worried about you, Jack. She said you've been acting strangely and she was hoping that whatever was wrong, you might talk to me about it, because you're certainly not talking to her."
Jack hung his head. "It's work related, Mom, and it's complicated. You don't want to hear it."
"Try me," Rachel said patiently.
Jack got up a paced the room as he weighed his options. He needed desperately to talk to someone and his mother was the perfect person. She had been his confidant for his entire adult life. He went to her when he and Teri were having marital problems. Several years later when he and Audrey started dating during her separation from Paul, Jack talked to Rachel at length about the relationship knowing that his mother could be trusted to tell no one. Again Jack had a strong need to keep this story a secret. He, like Marilyn, had come to the conclusion that it was best if Jarrod didn't know anything about his birth parents. Jarrod had made it clear that he had no interest in finding them and was simply grateful to them for having the courage to give him up to a couple who could be good parents to him. Jack knew his son was happy with the parents who had raised him and happiness was all he had ever wanted for his children, Jarrod included.
"Jack, keeping it bottled up isn't doing you any good. Whatever it is, no matter how bad it is, you have to talk to someone. You have to let someone help you or you're going to drive yourself crazy."
Jack nodded. "I know," he whispered, still not looking at her. "I'll tell you everything, but you have to give me your word that you won't ever tell anyone."
Rachel smiled and reached for Jack's hand. "I'll stay quiet as long as my silence doesn't cause irreparable harm to anyone else and as long as you haven't done anything illegal. Those have always been my rules, Jack, you know that."
Jack smiled back. "Yeah, I know. I haven't done anything illegal and the only person who stands to get hurt here is me."
"Then I'll keep quiet. Now tell me what's wrong," Rachel said in a firm but warm tone.
"You know that Marilyn and I dated when we were in high school," Jack started. "Well, we did a little more than just dating."
Rachel had to stifle a laugh. "Do you think that surprises me? You were raised by your father, Jack. I'm sure the man didn't exactly teach you abstinence!"
Jack laughed as well. "No, abstinence was never one of his lessons, but to give him credit, he did teach Grae and me to be careful." Jack paused and his tone became more serious. "Unfortunately, I wasn't careful enough."
Rachel stared at Jack quite obviously surprised. "Marilyn became pregnant?"
Jack sighed. "Yes. Only I didn't know about it until last week," he explained. He related the story to his mother just as Marilyn had told him.
"Marilyn's feelings for you aren't a secret, Jack. Are you sure this is the truth?"
Jack smiled wryly. "Don't think I didn't already consider that, but I don't have any reason to believe that she's lying to me. A couple of days ago another agent commented to me that Jarrod reminded him of me. He doesn't look like me, but he certainly acts like me."
Rachel sat silently for a long moment trying to sort out all of the information in her mind. "The way I see it, you've got more than one problem here."
"Tell me about it!" Jack snorted.
"I'm serious, Jack. You need to look at these problems one at a time and make decisions on them independently. First, do you plan to tell Jarrod that you are his biological father?"
Jack shook his head. "No. From what Marilyn has told me, Jarrod has no desire to find his birth parents. I think if he did, Marilyn would have come clean years ago. She's spent years watching him grow up and she'd love for him to know that she's his mother, but she feels there's no benefit to him in knowing that. She might benefit, but he won't, so she stays silent. I'm inclined to feel the same way."
"I agree. There's nothing to gain by telling Jarrod that you two are his biological parents. That's one decision made. Let's move on to the next problem."
Jack felt himself smile vaguely. Rachel had a way of doing this. She managed to take the seemingly most insurmountable problems and reduce them to their component parts in order to solve them. He suspected that this process was how she survived her tortured marriage to Philip Bauer.
"The next problem," Rachel started, "is whether or not you tell your wife about this."
"Absolutely not! Audrey has no reason to know this, Mom."
"Really? You don't think so?"
"No. We talked before about who benefits from that information and I'm not sure where it benefits Audrey to know."
"I think you're wrong. She's your wife. You aren't supposed to be keeping secrets from her, that's bad for your marriage. So there is a benefit. By telling Audrey, she knows that you're not keeping anything from her and you keep your marriage strong. You want to make sure that you two stay together to raise this little beauty," Rachel said looking down at Jillian who was now sleeping in her arms.
Jack looked down sheepishly. "I can't tell her, Mom. I feel like I've been cheating on her."
"That's ludicrous! You didn't even know Audrey when Jarrod was conceived. How could that be misconstrued as cheating on her?"
"I know, I know. It sounds stupid, but I'm afraid of how she'll react. I'm afraid that she'll feel betrayed. I'm afraid that she'll stop loving me."
"I think she feels betrayed because you won't tell her the truth. You underestimate her, Jack and you underestimate how much she loves you. This is the woman who defied everyone and went to China to negotiate your release because she loves you. That love nearly cost Audrey her life. She didn't stop loving you when she was held hostage by the Chinese. When Audrey came home from China emotionally shut down, you were the only person who could get through to her."
Rachel didn't need to remind Jack of that fact. Two days after demanding a restraining order against Jack to keep him away from Audrey, Jim Heller was on the phone begging Jack's forgiveness and asking him to come to the hospital and see Audrey. She had cried nearly nonstop for those two days while endlessly repeating Jack's name. Heller finally relented and allowed Jack to see Audrey only after the doctor angrily told him that he was doing Audrey more harm than good by keeping Jack away and that hospital lawyers were ready to challenge the restraining order in court.
Rachel continued, "She's loved you through far worse than this. You need to rethink that decision, Jack. Yes, Audrey's going to be shocked when she finds out, just like I was and just like you were, but she's not going to stop loving you. You need to tell her the truth."
"I'll think about it," Jack conceded.
"Fair enough," Rachel agreed. "That takes care of two problems. The last problem is what you do about Jarrod's future in field operations."
"I think I've made a decision on that," Jack said softly. He stood and began to pace the room.
"You might have made a decision, but you're not happy with whatever it is," Rachel noted.
Jack turned to face her and gave her a confused look. "And how would you know that?"
"It's simple, Jack. I know you. You're a decisive person and when you tell someone what your decision is, you say it in a clear voice and you look them in the eye. You just told me that you made a decision and I could barely hear your voice. Then you got up and started pacing without ever looking at me. You aren't sure about this decision, are you?"
"Yes, I am sure about it," Jack said firmly while he forced himself to look his mother in the eye.
"Then tell me what it is."
"I'm going to talk to Jarrod on Monday and tell him that he would be better off as an analyst and a management trainee. He's got the skills to be an analyst and the personality to eventually get into management. I'll send him to CTU to train with some of their analysts and he can train with Bill Buchanan for management. That way he still gets to go to CTU and he'll be in a safer position. By the time he left on Friday, I had made his life so miserable that I'm sure he'll agree with that."
"And you're proud of that?"
"Of what? My decision?"
"No, of making your son's life miserable."
Jack stopped pacing and stared at the floor. "Let me put Jillian in her crib," he said changing the subject. "She gets heavy when you hold her for a long time."
Rachel kissed the baby gently and let Jack take Jillian from her arms. He cradled her tenderly in his own strong arms and walked up the stairs to the nursery. It was several minutes before he returned.
"The answer to your question," he said softly as he re-entered the room, "is no. I'm not proud of what I did, but if it saved Jarrod's life, it was worth it."
"Are you sure of that?"
"Yes," Jack answered. "I'm sure."
"And you can live with that decision?"
"Yes, I can live with it."
"I don't think you can, Jack," his mother told him honestly.
"When did you turn into a psychoanalyst?" Jack asked in an exasperated tone. "First Mike Doyle analyses me and now you do it. I've been analyzed more than enough by professionals," he noted referring to the months of therapy he and Audrey had needed following their return from China. "I really don't need my mother analyzing me. What I need from you is what I try to give my own children and that's unconditional love!"
"Don't be a hypocrite, Jack!" Rachel retorted. "Don't talk to me about unconditional love when you are preventing your son from following his dream. You sit there and tell me that you love your children regardless of what they do and then you turn around and orchestrate Jarrod's future so it suits you. That's not my definition of unconditional love."
"And what would you have me do? Do you expect me to help him into a career that could get him killed?" Jack shot back. "You have no right to ask that of me."
"Really? I think I sit in a unique position to ask that of you. It's exactly what I did."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you came to me years ago and told me that you were applying for a position with LAPD, do you think I liked that idea? I had barely seen you for ten years and we were just starting to put our relationship back together. Kim was only a few weeks old and you and Teri were practically newlyweds. Do you think I wanted you on the LAPD getting shot at? No, Jack, I didn't. I wanted you to go to law school or to teach English or to become a journalist or anything else you could do using your English degree. I cried myself to sleep for the next two weeks, but never, not even once, did I tell you that you shouldn't become a policeman."
Jack looked shocked. "I thought you were proud of me. You came to my police academy graduation and you acted like you were happy."
"I was proud of you, Jack. I've always been proud of you and yes, I was happy. I was happy because you were happy and all I ever wanted for you or any of my children was happiness. That doesn't mean that I was happy with your decision." Rachel stopped, her voiced softened. "You know, a few years ago I lived the nightmare of every police officer's and field agent's mother. I had the CTU director come to my door and tell me that you were dead. I helped your daughter bury you."
Jack closed his eyes unable to face his mother. "I'm sorry, Mom. I've told you that a thousand times. I'm so sorry that I had to put you through that."
"I know you are. I've never blamed you for it. You did what you had to do. But what I'm trying to tell you is that I do understand what you are going through. I know what it's like to be told that your child died in the line of duty. I know what it feels like and I never want to feel that way again. I certainly don't want you to have to go through that with your own child, but at the same time, Jarrod is an adult and he's made a decision. You have no right to take his dream away from him any more than I had the right to take your dream away from you. I was devastated when I thought you were dead, but at the same time, I was so proud of you. I was so proud when Bill Buchanan told me all that you accomplished that day. I couldn't help but think of all the people that you saved and that you died doing what you loved to do and what you were best suited to do. That was enough to sustain me through the darkest days, Jack. I was never once sorry that I didn't try to talk you out of making law enforcement your career."
Jack sat silently with his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands. Rachel watched him for a long moment.
"I think I've said enough for one day. It's time for me to go home. I hope you won't be angry with me, Jack. We've always been honest with each other and sometimes honesty isn't easy, but at my age, I don't see the point in playing games. I could tell you what you want to hear, but what sense would that make?" Jack stayed silent and unmoving. "I love you, Jack."
With that he stood and pulled his mother into a tight embrace. "I love you, too. And I'm sorry for what I've put you through over the past 25 years. I had no idea that you felt the way you did. You were always my biggest supporter."
"That's what a parent should be," Rachel said before kissing Jack goodbye.
Jack walked his mother to her car and watched her go. He smiled and shook his head. He didn't know how she did it. It was like she had some kind of sixth sense when it came to him. She hadn't raised him; his father made sure of that. But she knew him like no one else. She knew when he was hurting and what he was thinking. She could make him see every side of a problem and in doing that, the problem seemed less daunting. She was right and he knew it. As soon as Audrey came home, he would talk to her. It might not be easy, but it was the right thing to do. As for her thoughts on Jarrod, though. She was wrong, dead wrong. There was no way that he could sit idly by and allow his son to become a field agent.
Monday morning rolled around right on schedule and Jack found himself, once again, swiping his keycard to open his office door. The remainder of the weekend went better than Jack had expected. Following his mother's advice and telling Audrey about Jarrod turned out to be the right thing to do. Of course, Audrey was as surprised as everyone else to learn that Jack had fathered a child in his teens and was just learning about it now. But she was also understanding and supportive. Unlike Rachel, Audrey didn't try to convince Jack that he should allow Jarrod to continue in the field agent training. She told Jack that such a decision was his to make, as was the decision to keep secret the fact that he was the young man's father. She assured him that whatever decision he made, she would support him.
Now here he was at the start of a new week and, for the second week in a row, Jack wasn't necessarily looking forward to it. He knew the week was going to have more than its share of unpleasantness. He had two recruits, O'Malley and Winters, that simply could not make the cut. They had strengths in other areas but neither was field agent material. Jack had tried to help them in any way possible, but his final assessment of the two was that they could potentially be a liability to their fellow officers and to themselves in a tactical situation and it was Jack's job to keep that from happening. He would pull them each into his office later in the morning to talk to them. He already had his speeches prepared and was ready to point out their strengths and the departments that he would recommend that they transfer into, but no matter how nicely he would say it, it would amount to the same thing: you aren't good enough to be a field agent.
Once O'Mally and Winters were dismissed, Jack would talk to Jarrod. This was going to be a lot harder. While the other two were well aware that their performance was not up to standard, Jarrod had believed, until the previous week, that his performance was among the best in the class. Jack had spent much of the weekend trying to decide what to say to him and still hadn't. He hoped something would come to him soon. The thought weighed heavily on his mind as he opened a locked drawer to retrieve his weapons and head for the firing range. A knock on the door broke his concentration. Jack looked up and froze. Jarrod stood in front of the door, hand on the door handle and ready to enter. Involuntarily Jack raised his hand and waved Jarrod in.
"Agent Bauer," he said in a firm voice. "Good morning. I was hoping that you'd have some time to talk to me before we had to report to the firing range."
Jack nodded. "Have a seat," he said as he settled down behind his desk.
"Sir, I'm going to get right to the point. Have I done something to make you angry? Ever since last Monday, you've been on my back and I'm not sure why. If I've done something wrong I'd like to know about it so I can correct it."
Jack had been caught off guard, a feeling that he hated. He had lived by the philosophy that a good offense beat a good defense every day of the week, but suddenly found that he hadn't planned for this and his offense wasn't prepared. Now he was on the defensive and he wasn't prepared for that either. He looked down at his hands, embarrassed by his behavior. At the same time he found a pride welling in him at the mature way in which Jarrod had chosen to handle the situation. "No, Jarrod," he said softly. "You haven't done anything wrong." Jack finally looked up and looked intently into his son's face. Jarrod sat unsmiling; his jaw set firmly. Jack knew the look. Jarrod was prepared to fight. He was prepared to fight for what he wanted and, like his father he had no plans to back down. Jack steeled himself for the test of wills that was about to take place.
"If I haven't done anything wrong, why are you being so hard on me? I'd hate to think that this is personal, sir, but it's starting to look that way, not just to me, but to the other recruits. I get the impression that you don't like me."
"That's not at all true," Jack said defensively.
Jarrod continued before Jack could go on. "For whatever reason, it appears that the two of us have difficulty working together. If we can correct that, I'd like to stay here in the training program. If not, then I'm going to go to personnel today and request a transfer to the field ops training program on the east coast. They're two weeks behind us, so if the transfer is approved, I can make arrangements to pick up with that class of recruits in a couple of weeks and I won't miss any instruction time. I'm hoping that, if it comes to that, you won't oppose me, Agent Bauer. We may not be able to get along, but I hope you're willing to admit that I have the ability to be a good field agent and that you'll recommend me for the program on the east coast."
Jack needed a moment to think, so he stood up from behind his desk and began to pace in order to buy himself time. He had never considered that Jarrod might ask for a transfer. He knew if he opposed the transfer that Jarrod would file a grievance against him and get the recommendations of other instructors in the course. His entire strategy needed to change. "Tell me something, Jarrod," he started. "Why do you want to be a field agent so badly? This is a dangerous job. Agents get killed. And what may be even worse, agents are often forced to make impossible decisions; decisions that result in the deaths of innocent people or of other agents. Why do you want to do that for a living?"
"Agent Bauer. My parents keep asking me the same question. They don't want me here. They want me to find a safe job behind a desk and they don't understand why I can't do that. I understand that you can't guarantee my safety and I'm not asking you to. This job is what it is and yet it draws me to it. I understand how really important this job is. Someone has to do it. People like you and Agent Doyle put their lives on the line for me and for my family and for millions of other Americans that they don't know day after day, year after year. Now it's time for those of us who have the aptitude for the job to give back to those of you who have given for so long. You told me in my first week evaluation that I had the right tools for this job and that you were going to teach me how to use them. I trusted you to do that. I know that I can do this job and I know that I can be good at it. I'm just asking you to put aside any personal differences that we might have and give me the chance."
Jack listened to his son's words and to the conviction in his voice. In it he heard himself twenty-five years earlier arguing with his father about his decision to join the Army. It was a decision that drove a wedge between them and they never saw eye to eye again. He remembered how much it hurt when his father dismissed his goals, his dreams, as juvenile. His decisions to join the LAPD and eventually CTU all drove deeper wedges between father and son and left deeper wounds. Knowing that he created the same rift between himself and his son would be an unbearable burden to live with. Jack knew at that moment that his mother was right. He had no right to orchestrate his son's future. Jarrod was a man and he deserved to make his decisions on his own and for the right reasons. Clearly he had made the decision to be a field agent for the right reasons and Jack knew that he couldn't stand in his way.
He cleared his throat quietly in order to hide the emotion that was welling in him. "Jarrod, I knew from your first day here that you had the potential to be a really good agent. You have a natural instinct that I don't often see in a recruit. Unfortunately once I saw that, I set the bar too high. Now, when you do anything that is less than perfect, I have trouble accepting that," Jack said. It was a lie, of course, but Jarrod didn't know that and it did provide a reasonable explanation for Jack's behavior. "What happened last week shouldn't have happened. I was wrong to treat you the way I did and I need to apologize. I don't want you to transfer to the east coast. I want you to finish your training here and I promise you that there won't be any more outbursts like you saw last week. I hope that you'll accept my apology."
"Apology accepted, sir," Jarrod said. He stood and extended his hand and the two shook hands. "Thank you. At the risk of sounding like a star-struck kid, Agent Bauer, I want you to know that every recruit here knows your history and wants to be just like you. And I'm no exception. I want to have a good working relationship with you, but more than that, when I finish this course and go over to CTU, I want you to be able to say 'I trained him' and know that I will do everything in my power not to tarnish your legacy."
Jack smiled warmly at his son. "I have every confidence, Jarrod, that you will not only not tarnish my legacy, but that you will create a legacy for yourself that future recruits will want to emulate."
"Thank you for your confidence, sir. It means more to me than you can imagine," Jarrod said sincerely. "I'll see you at the firing range, sir," he said as he turned to go.
"I'll be there in a few minutes," Jack told him. "Get warmed up. I hear you've been putting in a lot of extra hours over there and I want to see the improvement."
Now Jarrod smiled. "I'd challenge you to a little one on one, sir, but I guess that's not appropriate."
"I'll take that challenge," Jack returned. "We can't do it this morning, but how about before the session tomorrow."
"Sounds great. We can meet at the range at 7 o'clock."
"It's a deal. Loser buys breakfast."
"Bring your credit card. I'm always hungry in the morning," Jarrod said laughing.
Jack's phone rang breaking up the banter between the two. Jack picked up the phone and Jarrod left the office closing the door behind him. "Bauer," Jack said into the phone.
"Jack, it's Marilyn."
"Good morning. What did you need?" he asked getting right to the point.
"I called to thank you. I talked to Donna Keller, Jarrod's mother, last night and she said that she had dinner with Jarrod on Saturday and he was so upset about how you were treating him that he had decided to quit the program. She's ecstatic and so am I. I don't know what you did, but it worked and I can't thank you enough."
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Marilyn. I just talked to Jarrod and he's staying."
"Staying? What are you talking about?"
"He never had any intention of quitting. Jarrod wants this job. He's made a decision and he's going to stick by it. This isn't a whim, Marilyn. It's well thought out and as his parents I think that you and I and the Kellers have to respect that."
"I don't understand. He told Donna that he couldn't take any more of your browbeating and that he was going to leave," Marilyn said incredulously.
"He was going to leave LA, but not the program. He came to me this morning to ask for a transfer to an east coast program. It would be the same thing only someone else was going to train him and he would have been given a post somewhere on the east coast instead of here in LA. I made a decision as an instructor and as a father that I would rather have him here in LA where I can train him and be here if he needs help or advice, than to send him 3000 miles away to someone who doesn't have his best interest at heart."
"Damn you, Jack!" Marilyn cried. "I thought I could count on you to do what was best for our son."
"That's exactly what I did, Marilyn. I did what was best for Jarrod. I let him follow his dream."
"If his dream gets him killed, I'll hold you personally responsible. I will never forgive you, Jack," Marilyn assured him in a low threatening voice.
"I hope it never comes to that," Jack told her sincerely, "but if it does, I think I can live with it. I came in here this morning, Marilyn, with every intention of recommending to Jarrod that he transfer out of field ops and into information analysis and management. I agonized over that decision but it seemed like the right one to make. He wouldn't be happy, but in the long run he would learn to live with it and he would be safe. Then he came in here and we started to talk. I let him tell me why he wanted to be a field agent and after talking to him, I realized how really proud I am of him. He's a solid young man with a good head on his shoulders. I knew then that I couldn't deny him his dream. I would rather know that he died doing what he loved than that I stopped him from being a field agent and he was forced to live doing something less than what he wanted. To me, that would be the really unforgivable sin. Think about it, Marilyn. And ask Pat and Donna Keller to think about it, too. As parents, we all worry about our children. That's part of the territory, but in this case, I think we should all put our worries aside and simply be proud of Jarrod. That's all he's asking and I think we all owe that to him."
Marilyn hung up angrily without ever saying goodbye. Jack wondered if she would ever understand why he did what he did or if she would ever forgive him. Neither mattered much to him. He knew he had done what was right for Jarrod and, in the end, that was all that mattered.
Thanks again for reading and, as usual, I'm begging shamelessly for reviews. I always seem to find that my muse goes into hiding in the summer. It looks like that might happen again this year. With season 6 almost over in the US, I don't have much story fodder to feed my muse, so she'll just spend the summer by the pool sipping pina coladas. (I wish I could do the same!) She has been teasing me with an idea for a Bill/Karen sequel to my story "Past, Present and Future" but the idea has been slow to develop. So it may be a while before I post anything new. When I do, I hope you'll all be there to read and review. Some of you have been R&Ring my stories for the last three years and I really appreciate your support. Without it I wouldn't bother to write. It's only fun when I get your feedback. So thanks again and I hope to post again in the next few months.