Why Edward? Why?
Chapter 2: Coping
I woke up slowly the next morning. Edward had already gone to work, leaving me asleep.
I rolled over and gazed at his empty side of the bed. I sighed - at this time in the morning, after a night like last night, I just wanted to cry all over again.
I never managed as I was usually too tired. But when Edward was here, he'd hold me close and whisper to me that it wasn't my fault and we could "try again sometime when your body sorts itself out." As If he'd know I'd want the treatment - he'd left a note behind. I picked it up and read it:
Bella, love
don't worry about last night. For some weird reason, I felt the familiar sense of déjà vu before the phone call. I'll call you around half past eight to see how you are. Don't worry love, it's a natural thing. They haven't said your infertile which means you'll be alright. I hope you slept well. You were so peaceful when I left this morning.
I love you
Edward xx
I got changed and put the note inside my pocket; I'd need it later to remind myself of it.
I was such a huge baby. I really wanted a little baby to hold and care for - to help grow up, to reach goals in life, to get married like Edward and I did, have children and carry along our family. It looked like I was the dead end stop and I hated it. I was letting Edward down. He was the only one of his brothers who were married and hadn't had kids. Heck, even Rosalie had become pregnant before me and the doctors grew scared she was infertile. I couldn't be infertile.
The thought of my body not coping with a baby inside me was heartbreaking and soul-destroying.
I had my normal fat-free yoghurt and toast when I was in the kitchen. It was nearly half past eight. I was preparing myself for the phone call. In this situation, I would properly cry. I was determined to move on this time and not show it to Edward. Which was hard as we lived in the same apartment.
Ring, Ring, Ring!
I jumped at the noise of the phone and picked it up:
"Hello Bella, love. Did you sleep well?" He asked. I gulped.
"Urm yeah good, I suppose, no bad dreams - so much be an improvement."
"I remember when you used to wake up screaming and tossing. It wasn't good."
"Yeah well I remember the TIMES you woke me up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to tell me there was a ghost in the closet!"
"Urmm moving on... I got good news!"
I tensed - good news? I wished we'd had good news and the baby was still alive inside me.
"I got a raise!"
"Really? How Edward?"
"Well, we have a new boss - Tanya Denali and she'd decided to give us all a different pay roll which is twice then before!"
"Great" I said - no enthusiasm. He sensed that.
"Bella? What's the matter?"
I gulped again. Surely he'd remembered by now?
"I have to go to the hospital and have...my baby removed and...stuff" I stuttered.
There was a silence until:
"Bella - what time is your appointment?" he demanded.
"Half past one, Edward"
"I'll see you there. I don't want you to go alone."
"Thanks Edward. I wasn't sure if I had to ask you. You wouldn't really want to see...it would you?"
"Bella - your my wife. I'm supporting you through the rough time. I need to be paying attention to our wedding vows."
Oh heck. What did he mean "pay more attention to our wedding vows"?
"Urmm ok. I need to get ready to go out in a minute Edward, see you later?"
"Ok, love. I love you."
"I love you too Edward. Bye."
"Bye"
The phone hung up and I put it back on the handset. I was actually quite scared about the appointment now as I'd just remembered on the spot. I jumped about a foot in the air when the phone rung again. I answered it:
"Hello?"
"Heeey! Belly! How's the new future mommy?" Curse you Alice.
"I'm...not too good."
"Why?" she sounded unhappy.
"I'm not saying anything until we see you guys this evening but I feel a bit sick. Talk later?"
"Urmm,, ok BellaBarbieMom!"
I glared at the phone. What were we going to say to them? Maybe Carlisle already knew. He was a doctor at the hospital like Edward and he could easily access the file.
I panicked and rung Edward. He answered on the third beep.
"Bella? What's wrong?"
"Make sure you close or hide our file. Alice just called me. Don't allow him to read what's happened ok?" I sounded worse than I felt.
"Bella - he isn't going to pry. I'll do as you say as long as you promise to go to bed - you sound awful."
"Yes, yes! Now have you got that?"
"I'm walking to the nurse station as we speak, love. calm down and go to bed."
"Ok, I love you."
"Love you too Bella. Bye."
The phone goes dead and I wander back to bed. I need to sleep more.
I pull into the hospital car park - where I spotted Edward marching over.
I gulped and get out. He comes to me and gives me a kiss. Not a normal kiss, just another soothing kiss. It helps. He pulls back and mock glares at me. "You never did sleep did you? You cleaned the house instead."
How the hell did he know that? Ok I've been married to him for nearly 7 years but he knows me so well. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. So I ended up cleaning up the house.
I replied coolly "I had a half an hour nap before coming here, thank you very much!"
He smiled and embraced me. I snuggled into him, savouring his protective charm. I look back at him and he's looking back at me. I lifted my key in the air and locked the car.
"Can we get it over and down with?" I asked and he held my hand, walking me towards the hospital doors. He takes me to the maternity ward and unfortunately we had to walk past the nursery.
I turn the corner and see all of the little cots are full of little babies. I smiled at them, ignoring the crushing in my heart. Why couldn't I get one?
Edward directs me to my room. Dr Irina is already in there and her eyes are full of pity.
"I'm really sorry Mr and Mrs Cullen but nature will turn its course until it feels ready." I starred at her. What the fuck was she on about? Edward tugged my arm and helped me get changed. I sit down in the chair and cover up with my sheet.
I closed my eyes and tired not to think bad thoughts. Edward held my hand the whole way through and kissed my temple when it came out.
I caught a glimpse of it. It was so small. I felt so cruel - my body had killed it. I felt tears well up and run down my cheeks.
Edward put his arm round my shoulders and kept whispering that it was alright and not my fault.
Half an hour later - I was in my car, without Edward - he still needed to be at work but promised that he'd meet me at his parents house around half past six.
I hovered in the car in the Morison's car park. I badly needed shopping but I was paranoid that everybody knew and that I'd break down again. I pulled myself together and got out of the car.
I walked down the aisles, grabbing necessary items and things on sale. Then I went past the baby unit. I stopped, took another look and immediately marched over to the Pharmacy.
"How may I help you?" the supervisor asked me.
I was nervous but tired not to show it. "Where are your pregnancy tests?"
She smiled but showed me where. There were about 5 different types. I never took pregnancy tests before, strangely enough.
I'd start throwing up and Edward would rush me to the hospital and there it would be confirmed.
"How do you tell the differences between them? I mean...which ones are most…accurate?" I asked and she blushed pink.
"In my own personal experience - I'd choose this one." she picked up and a dark turquoise packet which read 'PregnantOrNot?'
"The name's a bit harsh isn't it?" I asked.
She nodded. "But you did ask for most accurate. I'd recommend this one. I've had a daughter in the past and this was how I found out. These others ones have a 'maybe' option and this was straight down to earth 'yes or 'no." I nodded. True.
"I'll take 3 of them, just in case, y'know." she nodded her head. She walked me back over to her till and scanned the items into it.
"That'll be $12 please." She said. I dug out my purse and handed her the money. She wrapped the tests into a carrier bag and asked "Not meaning to be rude or anything, but do you think your expecting?"
I held back my tears. It wasn't her fault. Anybody would ask that. "Urmm no. I was pregnant but my body seems to be ...rejecting babies. I've just come from an appointment where I had to give birth to a dead foetus." She looked pitiful.
"Sorry. But best luck for next time. It mostly happens with stress and worry m'aame."
I raised my head. "Oh yeah?" The doctors had never explained this to me.
"Well like I said, I was in your position, My body rejected so many little things and I realised it was stress and worry, mostly. My marriage was on he rocks and my husband kept yelling at me, saying I was useful - it was my fault, not my body's. Then he calmed down and I gave birth to my 2 year old child." She smiled at the end. Not a smug child, just an encouraging one. I nodded.
"I might take you up on that. Thanks." She smiled again. I read her name badge. 'Shelly' she was called. I continued my shopping with higher hopes.
Maybe if me and Edward stopped the worry and stress, in nine months time, we could be having a baby. My marriage wasn't on the rocks but it was strained, too much tension in the air when we mentioned kids.
I drove up to the Cullens house and got out.
I walked confidently to the door. Alice opened it as soon as I knocked. "Bella! And Belly's baby!" I pushed her of me.
"Alice - I'm here to tell you something! Stop talking to my belly please." she looked unhappy again.
"Ok" and she walked into the living room.
Edward was already there but as soon as he saw me, he jumped up and gave me a hug.
"Have you said anything?" I asked. He shook his head.
"I'll tell them" I muttered and turned round. Everyone went quiet and starred at us.
Alice seemed to be glaring at Edward for keeping something from her.
"As you guys, know - Edward and I were given the all clear on the baby front about a week ago." Esme and Carlisle knew something was up.
Carlisle was gazing at my belly. My hands weren't there. Last week, I'd been covering up my belly - paranoid someone would steal my baby. But this was a dead give-away for Carlisle. I felt the tears in my eyes.
"And last night - we got our test results back." I continued.
Not allowing my tears to give me away. Everybody was tense. Edward hand was tighter round my waist.
"And we have lost our baby. I had to pass him through this morning." I whispered - finally allowing the tears to come through.
Everyone seemed in shock.
Alice looked guilty. She understood why I'd told her to get of my baby belly. It was because there was no longer a baby in my belly.
Esme was the first to move - her eyes were crying too, as was Carlisle's.
They both wrapped Edward and I into a big hug. Edward got hugged by his father while Esme allowed me to cling to her - while I repeated the crying Edward and I had shared last night.