Summary: See First Chapter.
Warnings: SPOILERS of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' and slight spoilers for Harry Potter books 1 and 5. Rating may rise: One mild swear word. Bd.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its characters. They belong to J. K. Rowling and Bloomsbury books. Words in "italics" are direct quotes from Book 7 pg176.
Notes: Words in bold are Remus' inner voice (everyone has one and it makes for a better sounding board.) 'Remus' thoughts'.
In-Between:
After Lupin arrived at Grimmauld Place, after Ron had returned.
"A moment later they heard the front door slam."
His sensitive hearing distantly heard a shriek from inside but paid it no mind as he stomped to a halt outside the door; his wrath truly something to behold that he almost forgot he needed to disapparate from the top step.
Normally quite mild mannered, it was a rare occasion indeed when his inner wolf shone through without the aid of a full moon; unfortunately this happened to be one of those times. It was perhaps fortunate though that he had retreated when he did or a simple backlash might not have been the only offensive action his unofficial godson could have received.
Barely focusing enough to prevent himself splinching, Remus apparated close to Ted and...Tonks' address; not entirely sure why he had appeared here when it was the last place he wanted to be and steadfastly convinced the last place he had any right or need to be. Such thoughts caused his ire to boil up once more, not that it had really depleted, and made the thought of attempting apparition again an unhealthy one.
Instead wandering determinedly 'away' from his wife's parent's house he began to ineffectually let off steam by criticizing and raging over Harry's words.
'Of all the nerve of that brat! He doesn't know the first thing about my curse or the kind of prejudice I face everyday! To marry a wolf is hardly the greatest honour one can achieve whereas the thought of conceiving...! Even if my child doesn't receive some part of my curse from me he'll surely still be shunned and demeaned for all of his natural life!'
A couple of passers-by hurried past upon glimpsing the ferocious gleam in this man's pale distorted face, not willing to risk getting in his way when his entire aura screamed 'Go. Away. (Before. I. Eat. You)'.
'How 'dare' he suggest I'm doing this for adventure! As if I'm not doing this in favour of my wife and unborn child. And he doesn't know what James would say, this is for the best, James would understand that!'
"My father died trying to protect my mother and me,..."
'That's what I'm trying to do! By leaving I am protecting them.'
"...and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?"
'The kid's not even born yet, if he doesn't know his father he'll have nothing to compare with, so it can hardly be called abandoning.' By this point Moony's instincts had calmed a bit leaving Remus to mostly rant on his own. But the man did notice the almost disappointing feeling his internal wolf gave off at the realisation he was going to leave his newly found pack.
For the first time in a long time Remus Lupin had found happiness, a new sense of belonging, and contentedness like he hadn't had since he was younger, only now he was discovering how much of a mistake he'd made. He was honestly starting to believe he should never have given in to the temptation of marrying Tonks, and then he wouldn't be in this situation now regarding their 'child'.
"...half-werewolf whose father's in the Order."
'There is that I suppose. Who would protect a werewolf's son other than a handful of individuals I know. If this world continues in the way it is, he might have to hide, all Dumbledore supporters might have to.' Turning another corner Remus was largely unaware of the large circle he was walking; never getting more than a mile away from where his heart was.
He had slowed and calmed down significantly since first arriving and was beginning to doubt his own thoughts even as his and Harry's words replayed in his mind.
While it was Harry's 'coward' comment that flew him off the handle that insult in itself wasn't the real reason for his anger; it irked him, yes, but not as much as it should to warrant blasting his best friend's son into the wall. More than that though, there was this lingering feeling of truth around that word.
Coward. 'James would never say it. Sirius would. By leaving I am running away, the difference is I'm doing it for them'
Do you seriously believe that? A chastising voice sounded back to him within his own mind.
'By leaving Tonks I'm doing her a favour.'
To bring up her...your child as a single parent? Some favour. And what if the child does gain your curse? Who will help him and her deal with it?
'Of course I wouldn't just abandon her like that, I love her. But as long as the child doesn't know about me then...'
Then it'll always wonder why you aren't there. And why not? It isn't like your dead like James is it?
"I'd be pretty ashamed of him".
After a moment Remus realised that at one year old Harry had never gotten to know James as he should have been able to, he hadn't known about his father for years, and yet he still wanted to live up to James' image, was still devastated upon discovering his father's bullying of that bastard Snape. Why would it be any different for his child? With a jolt the man-wolf realised the significance of that word. He, of all people, was going to be a father.
Like James had been.
It hadn't truly sunken in that the foetus growing within Tonks' stomach would, in a couple of months, be a baby boy or girl (Although he surprised himself by hoping it was a boy). 'He' would be as small and as fragile as Harry had once been he had no doubt.
Curse - which he knew was not his fault nor did it make his human side any less human. He knew that, had protested for werewolf rights for that very reason before - or no curse, he knew deep inside that he couldn't just dismiss it all.
"I'd be pretty ashamed of him."
Irritatingly the words kept repeating themselves. Remus started pondering exactly what James would say to his decision. He knew what Sirius would do, most likely, although you could never really tell with that unpredictable mutt. But James?
James had been in a similar situation, if not slightly more dire, and he had stayed with his wife and 12 month old son rather than venture out with their dwindling numbers to fight Voldemort. Was his situation, right at the basics of it all, really that dissimilar?
"I'd be pretty ashamed of him."
If nothing else, Remus realised these words were true. Maybe they wouldn't be quite what James would say, but others; others he cared for, would most certainly agree with the scarred boy's words. He himself would have to agree.
He was acting like a coward in that sense at least. He was angry at the truthfulness of the words spoken to him in Grimmauld Place more so than the person who had spoken them, he slowly accepted.
'I can't leave them both. I've made my bed; there is nothing I can do to change it now. It's confusing and I need to think still, but I will stick around, I can't go back and say everything's all right though...not yet. There are still too many doubts and uncertainties for me to do that, and maybe I just need to get used to the fact that I'm no longer single anymore. If only Padfoot was still around then I could talk to him about it.'
Now officially calm Remus decided to talk with his wife and give his overall decision more time before he truly decided.
He did after all have several months before the baby was born. And there was always the chance something would go wrong because of his dark genes and the baby wouldn't be born at all. Strangely, despite his misgivings, he prayed that would not be the case and also found that notion very sad, not least because of Tonks probable reaction. More importantly with the Ministry and wizarding Britain under Voldemort's thumb everyone needed to band together in order to survive. Harry had Ron and Hermione to look after each other, so really could not pretend that his 'godson' needed him, and with Tonks in the condition she was she would need someone to look out for her too. A fact that categorized Remus' priorities effectively, making him remain by her side for unity and safety against Voldemort only. They could sort out this werewolf and ashamed business thing later.
At least that's what he told himself.
-------------
"Romulus...Romulus...Lupin!"
Said person spun around jerking back to his present reality and the hidden location he was currently located at. He had just been reminiscing on a few months previous and how close he came to making the wrong choice, a choice that was helped set right by James Potter's son, who had been more right than Remus cared to admit. Somehow Remus knew an apology - though nice - was not necessary; that his return to Tonks was enough. But some form of admittance, of gratitude would make amends to the event itself. "Yes?"
"We're about to begin the next instalment, come on!"
"Sorry, coming."
Though the far more reassured man could barely kid himself if he thought Harry would even hear him on Potterwatch's new broadcast.
…End.
A/N: The Remus instalment isn't finished. Personally I don't think the man's misgivings can be solved within one or two night's thoughts, which is why the ending might seem a bit ambiguous. I wasn't entirely sure how to put a stopper in this one. I imagine I will do another one right before Remus appears at Shell Cottage saying Teddy's been born, that will hopefully wrap up the unfinished sections here. Then again maybe not.
It's in flashback format so that I didn't have to rearrange the chapters. Though I might end up doing that anyway.
Thank you for reading and please review with your thoughts (and any ideas )
CosE.