Chapter 2 – Retrograde

James POV

"Are you sure this is safe," my mother asked with a dark look in her eye, "I've always heard such horrible stories about it."

"I understand your concerns," Dr Stavos comforted, "But the modern technology actually makes it quite safe."

"It seems a bit extreme," Brooke replied, "Is it necessary?"

"James' disorder has gone ignored for years," the doctor explained, "With the stress he has been under lately, we can't wait and hope that the medicine works. His first suicide attempt was bad enough, and with the second one...Not to mention the mania."

"How does this work," My mother asked, "Is he going to be normal?"

"Only time will tell," Stavros admitted, "But it's our only hope right now. Right now, what we need is your consent."

"Okay," Brooke sighed, "Where do I sign?"

I was in treatment for six weeks, before I was deemed okay enough to stop. Following the treatment ending, I was placed on a strict medicine regiment and therapy four times a week. It had been nearly a year since all of this. I was actually doing quite well now, I hadn't felt like dying, or freaking out, right now so I guess that was good. Of course, everything positive has a negative. The treatment I had been referring to was Electroconvulsive Therapy -also known as shock therapy- and the negative was that I had retrograde amnesia. Yup, whole chucks of my memory were just gone. Of course, they were expected to return but nobody knew when or how. I remembered myself, and my mother, but nobody else. For some reason, anyone not related to me or anything to do with friends or my actual life, was blocked out. Everything I just told you, and everything I know now, was told to me by my mother.

Logan helped me into his car, and then got into the driver said. He held my hand tightly and kissed my cheek. I didn't remember anything about him, and yet I knew he was important to me. I just had this feeling in my heart that he was somehow everything to me. Of course, he was the only person I had seen in a year that wasn't my mother but he was still quite wonderful. He drove us both back to the apartment building we had been living at and we held hands as we walked back to the room. He was so sweet.

"Let me get the door for you," he opened it and walked inside. I'm not sure what happened next, but some guy was standing there and he and Logan looked really upset. He didn't look familiar, like Logan or Mrs. Knight, but he looked like he knew Logan. I extended my hand.

"Hi," I smiled, "I'm James, and you are?"

"What," the boy winced, and so I repeated it.

"Kendall," he said suspiciously, "Logan, what is going on here?"

"This is James," Logan smiled stiffly, "James, this is a friend of mine from back home. His name is Kendall. He's actually Mrs. Knight's son."

"Have we met," I asked, "He doesn't look familiar."

"Is this a joke," Kendall smiled awkwardly, "Because it's not funny."

"No," Logan sighed, "James, you have not met Kendall. You were raised in California, we were raised in Minnesota. Sorry, Kendall. James has been having some memory problems."

"He doesn't know who I am," Kendall looked really hurt.

"Logie," I cried and ran to Logan, who put his arms around me, "Who is this guy? He's making me uncomfortable."

"It's fine baby," Logan comforted me like no other, "I'll talk to him."

"Baby," Kendall glared, "You two are dating? What the hell!"

"Does our love bother you," I sneered, finally finding myself, "Are you a homophobe?"

"Not at all," Kendall replied calmly, "It just surprised me. See, the thing is, I didn't know Logan was gay, or whatever. It's cool."

I shrugged, and decided he was okay. I grabbed Logan's hand and lead him upstairs. On top of therapy, and this Kendall guy, I needed some release!

Logan POV

James was kissing me, and pawing me, in a passionate way he had never done before. We had kissed, and made out, but never like this. It was like something had changed inside him and got him all riled up. I didn't want to admit this, but I was pretty sure I knew what it was. See, I've always thought that his love for me was actually misplaced love for Kendall. Because of the ECT, he didn't remember Kendall and so I happened to be the next best thing. Honestly, I loved James so much that I was willing to take second place instead of no place at all.

"Take your clothes off," he ordered and I jumped a little.

"W-What," I stammered, "James, I don't think we should do this."

"Sorry," he paused, "I just got this overwhelming feeling and I can't control it. I know something is missing, Logan. Please, tell me what it is? I know you know."

"I don't" I lied, "If you don't believe me, ask your mother. She will back me up on this. You know everything I know."

"Okay," he sighed, "I just have this feeling like there is something on the edge of my mind. Damn it! Thank God that ECT therapy is over, or I think I'd have a breakdown. Logan, I hate feeling like this."

"Let me get your mother," I said, "Or call Dr. Stavros."

"No," James exploded, "Jesus Christ, can't I just feel something for once? I'm not losing my mind just because I feel an emotion!"

"Calm down," I whispered soothingly, "It's going to be okay. Lets just go downstairs."

"I'm not having a breakdown," James yelled, "I am fine! You know what, you win. I'm going downstairs. Maybe I can find someone who is willing to actually listen to me, and not assume they know what's going on."

He stormed out of the room, and I winced as I heard him stomp down the stairs. I was just trying to be careful. His first suicide attempt was bad, but it was nothing compared to his second one.

"James," I smiled, "It's okay, you can talk to me."

"What is there to say," he droned absently, "He's gone. It's fine. I'll be fine."

I will never forget what I saw

He hung so still from the ceiling, an extension cord around his neck. I could see he was still breathing, but it was labored and forced. On a nearby table, I noticed at least ten empty pill bottles, each with different names. His wrists were bleeding. It was the most beautiful mess I had ever seen. I called 911, while simultaneously cutting his cord down. I could have done CPR, but I opted for mouth to mouth. His lips were the sweetest thing I ever tasted and before I knew what I was doing, mouth to mouth involved roaming hands and I started kissing him all over. I barely had time to pull away when the paramedics entered the room.

The memory made me sick to my stomach. The whole situation did. If anyone ever found out what I had done, they would have hated me.

"I don't know you," James sighed, "I'm so sorry. We've met, though, right?"

"Of course," I smiled and took his hand, "You and I have known each other for years."

"We're dating," James asked, "We're lovers."

"Yes," and I kissed him. For a moment he seemed unsure, but eventually decided I was telling him the truth and began kissing me back. When his mother, or Kendall's mother asked, I told them James and I started secretly dating before the ECT. They all agreed that I would be good for him.

And that is how I finally got James Diamond. God, I hated myself. When his mother, or Kendall's mother asked, I told them James and I started secretly dating before the ECT. They all agreed that I would be good for him. I had been carrying on this deception for months, and it was going fine...or at least it was until Kendall came back. I laid back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling, with one thought repeating in my mind over and over again.

FUCKKKKKKKKKK