Thanks for the great feedback! You all inspired me so much, that I wrote the second chapter yesterday! Enjoy!

My Dearest Jax,

It's very frightening to think that in one second you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.

I'm trying. It's been two months, and I'm still trying.

It's easier with school- it keeps my mind focused. It's harder than I thought it would be, but it's nothing I can't handle. I just want you to be proud of me, Jax.

Sometimes, the pain isn't so bad. Sometimes it's bearable. I just want you to know Jackson, leaving you and our future behind, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It wasn't easy for me.

Leaving you was hard, but loving you was the easiest thing I've ever done.

Always yours,

Tara

Coming home from a 14 hour shift at the hospital, I was exhausted. I showered and then started to organize my closet since I had yet to do that since the move back home. And that's when I came across the box of unsent letters to Jax.

That was the second letter I wrote, two months since I left Charming.

I ran my hand over the paper, tears stained the black ink. I remember writing that letter two months after leaving Charming. My freshman classes at UCSD were in full swing, and every time I walked to class I imagined Jax walking with me, holding my hand. But I always knew, as I was walking to class, Jax was walking into a gunfight.

We came from two different worlds. And how I wished that for once, our worlds didn't have to be so different.

"Hey babe, what dress do you think looks better with the gown?" I walked out of his bathroom and made my way into his room at the clubhouse. "The white one or the red one?"

He was nose deep in Jack Kerouac, too interested to look up. My heart almost leaped out of its chest when I saw the paradox of Jax Teller. To everyone else he would always be this careful, fearless biker, but not to me. To me, he was my boyfriend, my first love, he wasn't a killer or a thug, he was the guy who secretly stole my books after I finished reading them and held the door open for me everywhere we went and a boy who never let me go to bed angry, and a boy who always makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

"Jax? Hello? I need your help." I called again.

"Oh what babe?" He said, annoyed I was taking him away from his travels with Kerouac.

"Which would look better with my gown? White or red?"

"You'd look even better without any of them." He gave me his infamous smirk that instantly made me crave his touch.

"I know what you want, but I can't show up to graduation naked."

"Oh, please do. Make every man jealous." He put the book down.

"So you'd be okay with every guy there looking at my boobs and my ass? If you're cool with it.." I said, knowing how protective he is.

"Better yet, you should wear a turtleneck. Might be cold." I love him.

"Jax, it's the middle of summer in California, it doesn't get cold. White or red?"

"You look great in both of them." Always playing it safe.

"Okay, which one would you rather tear off of me after I make my speech while we hook up in the school bathroom?" I cocked my eyebrow, knowing this would work.

His head shot up. "Babe, seriously?" I nodded, licking my lips. "White. Definitely white."

I laughed at how quickly he could become so horny.

Graduation was in two days and I had to keep myself focused. Even though I wasn't going away for school, I still had to make sure my valedictorian speech was perfect. I worked for that moment since freshman year, it had to be perfect. Even though Dad wasn't coming, Jax would still be there to support me along with Gemma, Clay, Opie and Piney. I didn't need Dad, I had all the family I needed.

I was disappointed Jax wouldn't be graduating with me, he was so smart; if only he recognized his potential. The day he told me he was done with school almost turned into our biggest fights. I didn't understand why he couldn't stay another year and get his diploma, and he didn't see why he should stay. I then realized it wasn't place to make his decisions, he had to make his own decisions and live with the consequences. I couldn't control his decisions, all I could do was support him. Him saying he would get his GED helped the sting. When I realized Opie was dropping out too, it wasn't a surprise. Jax and Opie did everything together. It was Donna and I trying to save our boys against the whole MC world.

"You're gonna be there, right?"

"Be where?"

"On Saturday, my graduation?"

"Oh sorry babe, I got club stuff all day. Can't make it."

"Jackson Teller, how could you do this? Are you serious? You're seriously going to miss my graduation?" I screamed.

"Babe, I'm kidding. You know I wouldn't miss my old lady's speech for anything. You're gonna kill it." He kissed my cheek. "Clay gave Opie and I the whole day off to celebrate. Thought we'd go out to dinner, and hook up in a public bathroom for dessert."

"And there's the Jackson Teller I know." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, I love when you say my name." He whispered into my ear and as he pulled my body onto his. And suddenly I no longer cared which dress looked better, all I could focus on was his erection pressing against my sex.

(reality)

I would've given anything for graduation to pass that smoothly. The whole month of May Jax and I fought. We fought over everything, which restaurant to eat at, my graduation speech, him not graduating, him getting deeper in the club, and me wanting to go to school. It was a month from hell. The only time we got along was when he went on runs with the club, we'd have "I miss you" sex and then go back to fighting. That whole month I was wondering why we were even together, neither of us were happy. I remember we didn't say "I love you" that whole month, my graduation and valedictorian speech being the only exception.

If only Clay had actually given Jax that day off, maybe I would have sweeter memories of graduation day- the most significant day of my young life.

Jax took me out to dinner to celebrate to the most elegant restaurant in town. He whispered the sweetest things into my ear, "I'm so proud of you." and "You deserve every great thing you achieve." and "I'm so lucky to have you."

We were in the middle of eating when he got a buzz on his pager – the club. They needed him, and the club was more important. "Babe, we gotta go. I'm so sorry. I told them not to call me."

"You're serious? You're really doing this right now? You're really picking the club over me right now, at my graduation dinner? I can't believe you."

"I didn't want this to happen. I told them not to call me tonight. I know how much this means to you. This isn't my fault."

"No, it's never your fault. Take some damn responsibility, Jax. You constantly put the club before me, and silly me thought things would be different for one night. I can't even expect that. I guess things are never going to be different." I chugged champagne.

"Tara-"

"Let's go home. I'm so pissed at you I can't even look at you. If you expect me to put your club before myself, and my needs, you're fucking high."

"Tara, wait-"

"I'm dating you, not the club. And I know the club is important. And if I love you I have to love the club and all that bullshit, but damn it Jax, it's like you expect me to okay with the club ruining every important moment in my life. I'm so sick of this fucking club."

"You knew this was who I was when we first started dating. You knew I was going to prospect, and you knew the club was my life. Don't act like you didn't know this would happen. Don't be pissed at me because you can't handle the club."

"Yeah, you're right. I did know who you were when we started dating- an arrogant, selfish asshole who always puts himself first. You forget Jax, I wasn't raised in this club. Sorry I'm still getting used to you being shot at and disappearing all the time. Forgive me. Take me home, asshole." We stood up and walked away from the table.

I stole a flute of champagne from a random table. "Cheers to me graduating and being valedictorian and to my asshole of a boyfriend! Cheers!" I yelled before chugging the alcohol.

He rolled his eyes as the whole restaurant began to stare at us. As I stole another glass, he walked out of the building.

"You can send the bill to SAMCRO." I yelled, following Jax outside.

We rode on his motorcycle in silence. I didn't want to hold on to him, but knew I needed to live. I couldn't stand to be near him, curse his motorcycle.

He dropped me off at my house. I was walking to my door when he called out for me.

"Oh, here ya go. Happy graduation. Your asshole boyfriend bought you a gift." He threw to me a small velvet box.

"I'll call you when we're back from the run." And he was gone into the night.

Worst graduation ever.

I remember crying – not because of Jax, I knew we would make up, but because when I looked back on my high school graduation I wouldn't remember my speech, or getting my diploma, or hearing my biology teacher telling me I was destined for greatness, no. When looking back on my high school graduation, I would remember my fight with Jax, getting drunk in a restaurant and him throwing a present at me. There were no happy endings and congratulations that night- just tears and booze.

I also remember getting really drunk after I got home, courtesy of my dad being an alcoholic. I remember throwing the gift box across the room and hearing it bounce against the wall.

I remember calling Donna, knowing Opie was called too, and asked her to come over and drink with me. She threw her high heel at his face, leaving his face bloody. I remember being proud and jealous of her at the same time.

I vaguely remember us yelling about our boyfriends after we down multiple drinks and took multiple shots of my dad's Jack Daniels. I remember us blaring Pearl Jam, Guns N Roses and Journey and dancing in my living room for hours. I remember us calling the clubhouse and leaving rude voicemails for our boys while we were intoxicated. Even though we were more than furious at the boys and the club, I remember laughing my ass off with Donna. And even though we were way past drunk, I clearly remembering teller her about the fight and gift box.

"I got inside and threw it against the wall. I haven't opened it."

"What if it's a ring?"

"You mean an eng-, an engag-, a wedding ring?" I stuttered.

"Yeah, that boy loooooooooves you. I bet it's a ring." She clearly wanted a ring from Opie.

"No it's not!" I took another shot.

"I'm gonna look and see if it's a ring."

"Promise not to tell me."

"Only if it's a ring!"

I remember it took her ten minutes of drunkly crawling on my living room floor trying to find the box. And I remember that she started to cry as she opened the box.

And then she tried to stand up and somehow hit her head- that was the end of our night. We called Gemma to take us to St. Thomas. And somehow during the night the boys showed up with confused, comical and insincere faces. They loved seeing us drunk.

The night at the hospital was blurry, and I don't remember much. But I remember the next day- somehow I had gotten home and in bed (probably Jax being overbearing, even during a fight) and into a tshirt (it was SAMCRO, so obviously Jax helped me home) and had a glass of water and Advil on my nightstand. Jax wasn't there, that I remember, probably giving me space.

And sitting next to the Advil and water, was the gift box.

I remember feeling heartbroken that Jax had to find his gift to me thrown on the floor, unopened. On the other hand, did he expect me to open it and suddenly come fleeing back into his arms as if our fight never happened?

I remember trying to avoid the gift- but it was taunting me.

I remember opening it and instantly starting to cry. He had given me a silver ring that intertwined. On the inside was an engraved message that read,

Destined For Greatness

and the date of graduation 6/10/1997.

Him believing that I had greatness in me was all that I needed. When I didn't believe in me, I knew that he did. I know when I began to doubt myself, he didn't- he knew what I was capable of.

I remember wanting to drive over to the clubhouse and cry and beg him to forgive me and to thank him for such a thoughtful gift. But that wouldn't solve any of our problems. If he wanted to make things right, he would come to me.

I remember setting the ring back into the box and starting my day.

The letter brought me back to that awful night. That was the night I decided I was officially leaving. I knew Jax would never put me before the club and I knew nothing was going to change. I remember thinking that if Jax doesn't come with me that I was going to leave without him and be fine; that it was time to think for myself, to put myself first.

Jax and I are barely speaking, Josh Kohn had mysteriously followed me back home, the shifts at St. Thomas were excruciating, Gemma inhabited me from the club and I had no friends. Why did I come home? I'm so depressed here. Nothing is the same, there is no happiness left here.

I poured myself a glass of wine and started the bath. Maybe a relaxing hot bath would cure me of my nightly depressing thoughts.

I was relaxing in the tub when someone knocked door. "Ugh damn you." I cursed to myself.

Answering the door in my robe, "Is that how you always answer the door?"

"Do I know you?"

"No, but I know you. I need you to come with us."

"You expect me to come with you in the middle of the night, even though I don't know you? Bull shit. Good night." I tried to close the door, but his foot stopped me.

"Jax is hurt- real bad. He said Tara would help. You're Tara, right?"

"How do you know my name?"

"Oh, honey, you're famous. Jax's Old Lady who left and stole his heart. We all know about you. You became a doctor right?"

"I'm a doctor, yes. What happened to Jax?"

"Put some clothes on and come with us."

He talks about me? Are these some of his new brothers? What does he say about me? Or is it Gemma spreading lies about me? Does he still love me? Why am I famous? It was a high school fling! …that I never got over. Damn it, I need answers! Would he be happy to see me? Of course, he requested to see me. What will Gemma say when she sees me in her clubhouse patching up her son? Oh Lord, help me.

Suddenly, within minutes of putting clothes on and grabbing my home medical kit, I was put into the back of a black van, making my way back to my old safe haven. A place I promised I wouldn't go back into.

And just like that, I was thrown back into the club and into Jax's life.