Why do we write? Is it so we can inspire someone, is it to prove ourselves, it is to become famous, is it to paint an image within someone's mind, or is it so a piece of us is not forgotten? There is no wrong answer here, but why am I here? I am no writer, heck I probably already made some grammar and spelling mistakes here and in the last chapter. So why am I here? I couldn't tell you the reason; maybe it's because I want to do all that and more, or maybe this is just my way of relieving some stress being able to say the words within my mind that I couldn't say out loud. I have trouble expressing how I really feel out in the real world, words don't come easy on the spot, but soon come to me when it is already too late. If you ever seen "Your lie in April", maybe you can relate to words I'm about to say. I just finished it and it is like some part of my soul has reawaken, something that was lost. Maybe that is why I am here, trying to make sense of this journey I am on, hoping that the words will inspire a change in me and help me understand what I have lost.
Who really am I? My mom gave me the name _, but it's funny how I can't even hear it. It feel like a name that got lost in time, a name of the person I was before I lost who I am. At a time I was so sure about myself, knew what I wanted to do. That started to change as I grew; I was whatever my mother wanted, what my sisters' needed, what my friends were, and what others desire. I started from being me, to there being more than one me. I had acquired too many masks, personas, identities that the person I saw in the mirror was a stranger. Which one is who I wanted to be and which one is who I really am? The answer to that question seems so close, but yet it seems like I can't reach you. To other people it seems so easy, then why, just why is it so hard for me to see it? Why can't I hear my name?
I never would have guess my life would ended up like this, I thought I would be ready for the real world, it didn't seem so scary at the time going through school. As soon as that ended life seemed to hit me like a brick wall, me mister 3.8 GPA, me the guy that was friends with everyone, me the one that never seemed to be afraid with whatever came his way, me who seemed to have his life together. During that time I was sure that I knew where I wanted to go, where I should end up in life. At the time I didn't care about my happiness, just wanted to get through life and just look back at it. I seemed to have lost my way as soon as high school was over, I was in a dark place for awhile, no soul, no reason to do anything. What happened to my plans they seemed so foolproof. Was there nothing I could do that would act like high school for me? Maybe give me more time? The service was the answer I came up with; that filled my heart with such ambition, pride, and longing that I was missing. I was part of something much bigger than myself, I was part of a family. One thing that I never had when I was in school was a girl friend, I never had the confidence since I was getting rejected left and right, that I lost all hope in myself. I fell farther and farther into the dark abyss that I worked so hard to get out from. When all seemed lost, I found you. You were like a light that pierced through the darkness. I can remember the first day I met you, so random so free, the winter months were cold, but you seemed to warm everything up. I can still hear you now calling my name now "A_" .
To tell you the truth I don't even know if this story will go on for long, will I succumb to madness, will I forget about you, will the muse that has taken over me leave, will I not find the words to fill these pages, or will you reject what I have wrote? This is not a story that I have a ending to, this is my life still unraveling that I wish to share, not knowing when I shall feel like continuing again. Tell me, will my words reach you?