("Okay, so after my dad saw another one of his evil schemes blow up in his face, I gained notoriety soon after by saving a baby from a carriage that was barreling towards a busy intersection. More than I was comfortable with. Unfortunately, it seemed to be enough to draw the attention of an old weirdo, who has intentions of hiring me. For what, I don't really know...")
Vanessa and another girl her age that she had never met before were sitting inside an office that they had been whisked into against their will. In front of them was a large desk, and behind that desk sat an old man in his 50s, who was bald and was wearing a navy blue uniform that suggested that he had a military background. And he had just told them that they were now his newest employees.
"Could you say that again?" the other girl asked. "I didn't quite catch it the first time."
Vanessa rolled her eyes as she glanced over at her probable fellow kidnappee. She had blonde hair, which was tied up in pigtails that would be more appropriate on a child. She was wearing a baby blue top that showed off not only her belly button, but also an ample amount of cleavage, as well as a pair of bright orange booty shorts that left very little to the imagination. The outfit was topped off with some plain white sneakers that had a crocodile drawn on them with permanent marker, and a gold chain on her right wrist that had a charm in the shape of the state of Florida attached to it.
"Where'd they find you?" Vanessa asked her. "Florida?"
The girl gasped. "Yes! How did you know? It's... it's like you can read my mind!"
"Yeah, uh huh," Vanessa nodded, with a sarcastic tone in her voice. "Let's go with that."
Vanessa then turned back to look at James Stuart, the old man who had brought the two of them here.
"What do you mean we're now working for you?" she questioned him, getting back to the issue at hand.
"I'm glad you asked," James said with a smile.
James got out of his seat to answer this one. With a small remote in hand, he aimed it at the big-screen TV behind the girls. It turned on, and it displayed on-screen a logo made up of the organization's initials.
"Ladies... welcome to the Juvenile Association In Love with Busting Antagonists Instigating Trouble!"
Which spelled out, as Vanessa saw on the screen, JAILBAIT. The blonde beside her applauded with glee, loving the sound of the name. Vanessa, on the other hand...
("And I thought my dad had the market on horrible acronyms...")
Doofy and Doofus
Story Written by Freedom Fighter
Okay, on that note, a friendly reminder that this is a T-rated fic...
Time for the second half of the 'origin story.' Let's get to it!
Disclaimer: The characters of 'Phineas and Ferb' belong to Disney.
-
Chapter Two - I'm a Spy! [Don't Tell Anyone!], Part 2 (10.07.10)
-
"Okay," Vanessa looked at her new employer, "so what exactly does the Juvenile Association In Love with..."
"Ahem!" Jimmy cut her off. "Say it right!"
"Are you... fine! What exactly does JAILBAIT..."
"That's better."
"...do? And how do Florida Blondie and I fit in?"
"Well," Jimmy explained, "JAILBAIT is a secret spy organization that employs teenagers to help fight against the forces of evil. We look for the best and brightest your generation has in order to kick the collective asses of those who would wish destruction upon the world. You two have been selected to become our newest agents, because you both personify what we like to see in our staff. Beauty, brains, and a knack for saving the day through a series of punches, kicks, flips, and other flashy acts of female strength and independence!"
"Can I stop you right there?" Vanessa asked, before pointing over to the other girl. "Her? Have all of those things?"
"Of course," Jimmy responded to Vanessa's objection.
Jimmy then played side-by-side video of Vanessa and the blonde saving a baby in a carriage from being mauled by rush hour traffic.
"You two were the only ones in a group of about a dozen young people we were watching that actually passed our final recruitment test. I have to say, both of your moves were funky fresh! Teens still say that, right?"
"Wow!" the girl gasped. "The camera really DOES add ten pounds! I look so fat!"
"That was a test? You mean I didn't save a REAL baby?"
"Of course not! You really think we'd put the lives of a dozen babies on the line carelessly?"
"Yeah, and that makes it okay to put ours up instead?"
"But you two turned out fine."
"That's not the point! You could've gotten someone killed!"
"Nonsense! All of you recruits were skilled enough to pull that final test off without it resulting in any bodily injury. But you two were the only ones who had the courage to do it. And that's why you're here."
"So we're spies now?" the blonde spoke up. "I'm gonna tell all my friends!"
She pulled out her phone, but before she could even start dialing, it was snatched from her hands. In a flash, each of Jerry's hands went from being empty to having a cell phone in them.
"What?" Vanessa gasped, realizing he had taken hers as well. "How?"
"Rule number one! When I say you're secret agents, that means you have to keep that fact a secret! No one outside of this room is to know that! Understood?"
The blonde nodded. Vanessa didn't, but she continued to pay attention anyway.
"Rule number two! Even though we've chosen you, you're still not officially part of the organization until you've completed 20 hours of spy training!"
"20?" the other gal raised her hand. "Can we cut that down to, like, none? I get sweaty really easy, and that kills my complexion!"
"Do you even think before you open your mouth?" Vanessa growled at her.
"Rule number three! You respect your fellow teammates at ALL TIMES! Is that clear?"
That regulation seemed to be directed at Vanessa, if Jimmy's glare at her was any indication. Vanessa crossed her legs as she nodded once in agreement, albeit reluctantly.
"That being said..."
Jimmy tossed a manila folder at Vanessa, and she caught it with ease. She opened it, and noticed the first page had a name at the top of it that wasn't her...
"Uh, my name isn't Carly..."
"Hey!" Carly shouted. "That's my name!"
"Speaking of which," Jimmy led on, "HEADS UP!"
Jimmy threw a different folder at Carly. But this toss was a little high. Luckily, Carly had the sense to reach up above her head and catch it with one hand... and without the contents spilling out of it.
"Your first training exercise is to study the dossier of your partner, which I've just given you. You two will be working as a team, and it's important that before you can entrust each other with your lives, you have to know everything about yourselves!"
Vanessa immediately found something she didn't agree with in Carly's dossier, as she pulled a page out labeled 'Guys of Romantic Interest.'
"I don't see how the fact that Carly's been with enough guys to go out with each of them exactly once a month is relevant to being a spy!"
"And you've only gone out with one," Carly pointed out to Vanessa. "I guess you just don't have the gift, like I do!"
"It's important that you know everyone your partner's associated with," Jimmy told them. "In the spy biz, you can never be too careful."
"I doubt my boyfriend Johnny is suddenly gonna want me dead."
"He's right," Carly begged to differ. "Number 20, Greg? He tried to run me over with his car after I told him his hair looked like a bird's nest on our first date."
"Will you STOP siding with him?"
"Why? He's our boss!"
"Yours, maybe!" Vanessa shouted as she stood up. "But this secret agent stuff isn't me! Besides, I didn't ask to be a spy, and you can't make me be one!"
"I beg to differ. You've already signed a contract stating that includes you waiving your right to voluntary leaving the organization at any time."
"What? When?"
Jimmy provided video proof, in the form of Vanessa being shown signing off on the police report after the incident.
"That form was actually written in code. Spy code! You weren't filling out an incident report, young lady. You were signing your contract of employment with us!"
"That's neat-o!" squealed Carly. "I would've never guessed!"
"The two of you belong to JAILBAIT for as long as we require your services," Jimmy said to them.
"You can't do that!"
"We can. We're spies. The rules don't apply to us."
"I'm gonna find a way out of this!" Vanessa said. "Trust me, I will!"
"In the meantime," Jimmy interjected as he ignored her threat, "study your partner's dossier well. You will be tested in the morning! Until then, ladies..."
Jimmy snapped his fingers, and two small square holes appeared beneath the girls' feet, one for each of them. Vanessa and Carly both screamed as they plummeted downwards and out of the office.
"Remember," he shouted, "this is all a secret!"
Vanessa was sitting on her bed, contemplating what her next move should be, even as she pulled the manila folder out of her leather jacket. She placed it down on the bed next to her, opened it, and pulled out the top page.
"'Carly Adams-Chrysanthemum-Montgomery-Ward,'" Vanessa read it aloud. "'Age, 16. Height, 5 feet, 9 inches. Weight, 129 pounds. Bust size...' I don't care, and don't want to."
("Yeah, I know. I don't even want to be part of this spy organization. I don't want anything to do with it! And yet, here I am, doing exactly what I was told to do! Reading up on my 'partner.' I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. All of that praise from saving that baby must be cutting off the circulation to my brain.")
"Let's see...," Vanessa continued, "'Born in the town of Trenton, Florida. Lives with her mom and her third and current husband, John Ward. Also has an older step-brother named William, currently an undergraduate student at the University of Florida.'"
Vanessa's voice trailed off, as she started to read the rest of the page silently to herself. She then did the same with all of the other files in the folder, which took her the better part of an hour to go through completely...
The next morning, Vanessa was whisked away to the JAILBAIT Agent Training Facility, getting there by way of a supersonic jet that had picked her up at her house. But to keep the location of the facility a secret, Vanessa was given a blindfold to cover her eyes the whole way there.
Upon given the command to finally take the blindfold off, Vanessa did so without haste... and found herself standing next to Carly...
In the middle of a jungle.
"It's you!" Carly pointed at Vanessa. "Vanessa, right?"
"Yeah... Carly, was it?"
"Uh huh!" Carly nodded. "Carly Adams-Chrysanthemum-Montgomery-Ward, from Gainesville! And you're Vanessa Doofablatz, from Danville!"
"Actually," Vanessa raised a finger to correct her. "It's pronounced Doofenshmirtz."
"Really? Because that's too hard to say."
Carly thought for a minute, and came up with an idea.
"I know! I'll call you Doofy for short!"
Vanessa frowned.
"Please tell me you're not serious."
"Doofy it is, then! I think we're gonna be good friends, Doofy!"
"And I want to use my blindfold to gag your mouth," mumbled Vanessa.
"Whoa!" Carly took a step back after hearing that. "We just met. No need to get THAT friendly!"
Fed up with hearing words coming out of Carly's mouth, she pleaded loudly to hear someone else's.
"WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?"
"I'm glad you asked, Vanessa."
Both girls turned around and saw a small, eyeball-shaped surveillance pod floating towards them. And in the pod's iris was a live picture of Jimmy, communicating to them from somewhere else.
"Welcome to the JAILBAIT Training Facility!" Jimmy greeted them. "Here, you'll learn everything you need to know to make it as a spy."
A small map was ejected from the top of the pod, and it flew up in the air and back down, landing safely in Vanessa's hands.
"About four miles northeast of your current location is a hidden satellite station that belongs to an enemy organization. They are using it to relay secret information pertaining to future attacks on American military installations. Your mission is to infiltrate the station, disable all of their communications and render them inoperable."
"Sounds dangerous!" observed Carly.
"I agree," added Vanessa. "Isn't this a bit much for a training mission?"
"I assure you," Jimmy said to them. "The two of you are more than up to the task! Except..."
"Except?"
"You two stand out way too much in those outfits. They simply won't do if you're to sneak in undetected. I've got something better!"
"You went shopping and didn't tell us?" Carly looked at Jimmy sadly.
Vanessa scanned the area, looking for these new outfits.
"So... where are they?"
"There should be a cherry bark oak tree in front of you. There's a secret panel embedded in the trunk which will drop the chest containing your spy outfits to the ground."
Carly had already wandered off to the nearest tree, and was gently knocking on it. Almost instantly, she found the secret panel, which lifted up to reveal a big red button underneath.
"And make sure to jump back after pressing the button," warned Jimmy.
"Carly!" Vanessa shouted, at the exact moment she saw the blonde press the button.
"What?"
Vanessa ran over and grabbed Carly by the arm. She looked up and saw a giant wooden chest falling from above. Vanessa pulled Carly backwards and out of harm's way in the nick of time, as the chest hit the ground with a loud thud.
"That was close," Vanessa sighed with relief.
"I'll say," added Carly.
The two walked back over and opened the chest, which was unlocked. Inside were two spandex catsuits. One was carnation pink, the other was apricot. Carly immediately grabbed the pink one and squealed in delight.
"EEEEE! Carnation pink is, like, totally my color!"
"Are you serious?" grumbled Vanessa as she grabbed the apricot one. "These are too bright! We'll stick out like sore thumbs!"
Vanessa then tugged at the suit's material.
"And to top it off, these suits look way too small!"
"Looks can be deceiving," Jimmy assured her. "They are designed to fit you perfectly. After all, we got both of your measurements down to the nearest sixteenth-of-an-inch!"
Vanessa and Carly changed into their spy outfits, and sure enough, they fit them perfectly. Maybe too much so, as they showed off every single one of the curves in their bodies.
"Never worn anything this snug!" gasped Carly, running her hands up and down the front of the body. "Great support, too!"
Carly was about to prove her point as she reached up to grab her breasts. But Vanessa slapped Carly's curious hands away, to the blonde's disgust.
"What was THAT for?"
Vanessa eyed her angrily.
"Are you SURE you're only 16?"
"Time's a-wastin'!" Jimmy cut in. "You must complete this mission by sunset, or you fail!"
"Don't worry!" Carly shouted. "We won't fail!"
"Good... because from this point on, you're on your own."
With that, the surveillance pod went dead... literally. All of its systems immediately shut down, and the pod fell to the ground, shattering into dozens of pieces upon impact.
"You heard him, Doofy!" Carly exclaimed as she started walking off. "We've got a mission to complete."
As Carly headed off, Vanessa picked up the rolled-up map from the ground, unfurled, and studied it for a few seconds. She then quickly got her bearings and figured out the correct direction to go... was in the direction opposite of the one Carly had left in. So Vanessa started heading the correct way...
To be followed by Carly ten seconds later, after realizing her partner wasn't behind her.
"Wait up, Doofy! Wait up!"
After a couple hours of walking, Vanessa and Carly began to notice the jungle thin out, especially when they came across a small clearing that had a small paved road pass through the center of it going east-west. And on the other side of the road was a small, gray-brick one-story building that happened to have two satellite dishes on its roof. It had a chain-link fence surrounding its perimeter. Vanessa looked at the map to confirm they were in the right place.
"This is definitely it," Vanessa said as she rolled the map back up. "Though it looks low-security. And by that, I mean there's no security. At all."
Sure enough, they weren't any visible guards in sight.
"So empty," Carly observed. "Reminds me of my date with Charlie. Uh huh. He told me to meet him at a dance at an abandoned plantation. He never showed up. Neither did anyone else. I don't know why."
"Maybe it has to deal with the fact that it was abandoned?"
"Oh! And then there was that date with Chester. He brought me to this water treatment facility, tied me to a series of pipes, and left me there overnight! The outside of this place looks just like the building I was in! Ah, memories."
"Enough stories," Vanessa said to Carly. "If we're forced to be spies and have to start dressing like spies... somewhat, then it's time we start acting like spies. Follow me, stay out of sight, and keep quiet!"
Vanessa ran across the paved street, her heels clicking and clacking against the pavement, and Carly followed suit. They ran for the door, but Vanessa didn't immediately reach for the knob. Instead, she pressed her back flat against the wall next to the entrance. Carly looked oddly at her as she walked up to the door and stopped.
"What are you doing?" Carly asked.
"Me?" Vanessa questioned in return. "What are you doing? Get against the wall!"
"Y'know, it's probably unlocked."
Carly grabbed the doorknob and turned it counter-clockwise. It swung open, making a creaking sound as it did.
"See?"
Carly took two steps inside, and her right foot cut off an infrared beam that was only visible to the human eye from six inches away or less. Doing so tripped an audible alarm, as a siren started sounding off and white and red lights flashed throughout the innards of the building.
"Ooh!" Carly suddenly recalled as Vanessa stuck her head in the doorway, "This reminds me of the time I dated this boy named Junior. He used to tell me stories of how he'd sneak into museums and jewelry stores and the like. Then he told me of the only time he ever got caught, and it unfolded just like this! Say... you think he's a spy, just like us?"
"I can't believe you'd try to walk into a secret facility so carelessly!" Vanessa shouted at her, having ignored the story.
"So... that's a no?"
"HANDS UP IN THE AIR!"
Vanessa turned around and saw two uniformed police officers pointing their guns at her.
"THAT MEANS YOU TOO, MISSY!"
That voice came from inside the building, as a third officer, the facility's security guard, had drawn his gun and had it pointed at Carly.
"What's going on?" Vanessa asked.
"You're trespassing on private government property!" one of the officers told her. "Care to explain?"
"Private government property? As in, American government property?"
"But America's not the enemy!" Carly stated as she was motioned to walk back outside.
"And what's up with the outfits? Aren't you two a bit too young to be dancers?"
"What?" Carly replied. "No one's ever too young to dance!"
"That's not what he..." Vanessa tried to correct her, before stopping. "Look, we're spies, okay?"
"Spies? What kind of self-respecting spy would dress like the two of you?"
"Only the most stylish spies in the world!" exclaimed Carly, putting a hand on her hip and posing as if she was a fashion model.
"I've heard enough," the lead officer decided. "Book 'em."
The other two officers each pulled out a pair of handcuffs and advanced on the girls.
("And THAT'S how we ended up here...")
Vanessa's arms were hanging outside the jail cell bars, and she stood there, sulking. She also heard Carly crying behind her on the bench.
("Some spies we turned out to be. Doofy and Doofus, that's what we are.")
Suddenly, the door into the prison area opened again. Vanessa looked to see who it was... and brightened up when he saw that it was Jimmy.
"Looks like someone needs a bailout," Jimmy said with a smile.
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
So the first training mission is a bust. It looks like Vanessa's career as a spy is going to be short-lived. Or is it?
Carly is... special, to put it mildly. Can she really make it as a spy? Next time, Vanessa's gonna hopefully see the potential that Jimmy apparently sees in her. Otherwise, this spy nonsense may cost the both of them their lives!