This chapter had a mind of its own so I just let it take me. I personally really enjoyed writing this one, and I hope you enjoy it. This is Ziva's POV during the second to last scene in Aliyah. Once again, the lyrics are there to influence my muse and just set the tone for the chapter; not necessarily important to read through.

I know I mentioned this so some readers, but this story will now span from Aliyah to post-Reunion and the bathroom conversation.

Disclaimer: No ties to CBS, NCIS or Darius Rucker.

I left out in a cloud of taillights and dust
Swore I wasn't coming back, said I'd had enough
Saw you in the rear view standing, fading from my life
But I wasn't turnin' 'round
No not this time

But don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it

-"Don't Think I Don't Think About It" by Darius Rucker

Hurt

She has been through a lot in her four years at NCIS. She has shot her brother, while proving her loyalty to Gibbs; been accused of murdering a drug dealer; been scarred by a close call with sexual assault; lost one of her best friends; and now her boyfriend and lover has been shot by the man she knows as her partner.

However, in four years, she has learned far more than she could ever have been through. It is easier to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. Saying sorry is a sign of weakness. Never take things for granted. Never be unreachable. She had learned that there is a specific spot on the right side of the vending machine that yields free snacks. Some things are inevitable and soul mates do exist. Gibbs doesn't like to be called Sir, and Abby had a soft spot for classical music.

But amongst all this new found knowledge, she has just failed to follow through on the biggest lesson learned: choose your words carefully, and think before you speak.

X

Her slender, yet calloused hands grip the steering wheel tightly. The sand-crusted, middle-eastern wind whips sharply against her toned skin as she speeds fast, moving father from the tarmac. She wills herself not to look in the rear-view mirror, afraid to face the reality of what she just walked away from. Only giving in to the pull when she knows she will no longer be able to see their plane, no longer able to witness the last four years of what had been her life fade into the distance.

She is angry; she has every right to be. The one person she had come to trust with her life, and maybe even her heart, had shot and killed her childhood friend. And they hadn't even hit the forty-eight hour mark yet. Grieving is a process and she is still in the middle of it. She has every right to be angry, mad, frustrated, and pissed at the world.

The problem is she isn't any of those things. More than anything, she is hurt. Hurt that she has suddenly lost the only person remaining from her past. It burns that Michael's life had been take by someone just as close to her. To know that Tony hadn't trusted her enough, that hurt. The fact that he didn't have a good enough explanation for his actions, made the hurt worse. Knowing that not only did she lose Michael as her lover, but losing Tony as her best friend was unbearable.

Instead of confessing to the damage done to her heart and emotions, she feigned anger to deal with the hurt. To make herself feel better she lashed out at him directly and indirectly. Never before had she imagined pinning a gun to his chest, but she did; and although, she regretted it instantly, he would never know that. Never before had she thought she'd utter the words that said she could not trust him, but she did.

In that moment she spoke without thinking, defying the number one lesson she had learned in four years. And that moment is one she fears she may always regret, as she watched the airport fade from view. It's not that she doesn't trust Anthony DiNozzo. She simply cannot trust herself to trust him.

Next Up: Chapters 3 and 4 will be post-Truth and Consequences