Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives
Irritating Male Youkai attempts to form religion!
Yet another tragic day has struck the human village. On the twenty-fourth of December, a most heinous act was performed. Yet again, a despicable youkai has launched an attack against the human village like a bully.
Although most uncivilised youkai attack humans physically, a cowardly act indeed given the frail nature of the creatures, this youkai seemed to be bold enough to attempt an attack on one of the human animal's more fortuitous aspects: their faith.
Humans are well-known for their beliefs being highly influential in Gensokyo, and therefore, gaining faith from the creatures is a general aim of many a person, however, most attempt this through established religions, such as Shintoism, Buddhism, or Taoism. However, a mimicking youkai by the name of Dawitsu, best known in the village as an incompetent teacher, attempted the implausible by trying to force an absurd outside-world custom upon the human village, in a dastardly scheme to steal their faith from established religious authorities Reimu Hakurei, Byakuren Hijiri, and Toyosatomimi no Miko.
On the fateful night of the twenty-fourth, the villain was seen dressing up in a red and white outfit- the same colours as the Hakurei Shrine Maiden. This was most likely far from a coincidence, however, he had altered the outfit so that it was thick and fluffy, and more well-suited for the harsh winter elements. He donned a horrific false beard as white as the snow itself, most likely to encourage worship of Yuki-onna, and proceeded to do a crime most heinous... breaking and entering!
The miscreant broke into any houses of the human village that contained children, placed boxes that no doubt contained dastardly religious paraphernalia, and ate conspicuously placed food that no doubt he had indoctrinated the impressionable children in his classes to leave for him.
However, I, the intrepid Aya Shameimaru, could not simply let this corruption take place, and the next day, I confronted the admittedly handsome scoundrel and interrogated him about his reprehensible attempts to take over the human village. The following is a slightly paraphrased account of what the man said:
Aya: Stop, Dawitsu! What do you have to say about your activities last night? You may have thought you were unseen, but I was watching you the entire time! Explain yourself!
Dawitsu: You... were watching me? Okay, Aya, this is just getting creepy, I told you I didn't want you to get into the habit of following me.
Aya: Stop trying to change the subject! Why did you dress up like a Yuki-onna Shinto Priest and break into children's houses?
Dawitsu: Look, I was just pretending to be Santa Claus for the kids... I had recently taught them a little about the holiday 'Christmas'. Don't you remember going on holiday with me and a load of others to the outside world to celebrate it?
Aya: Ah, so you were spreading an outside-world tradition! No doubt an attempt to convert them to a religion from there!
Dawitsu: Huh? Converting religion? No, I just wanted to give the kids presents for doing so well in their exams, and used Santa Claus as an excuse!
Aya: Oh, you're smart! Feigning guilt and the cover-up of one crime to hide your true crime!
Dawitsu: Since when was giving children gifts a crime?
Aya: Don't try to deceive me! I know your evil plan! You intend to steal all the faith of the human village for yourself with your good deeds! That disguise was the likeness of the God of the outside world!
Dawitsu: Santa Claus has nothing to do with religion! He's a commercial character very loosely based on Saint Nicholas, he has little to nothing to do with Christianity, and that's the only religion he's vaguely associated with at all!
Aya: AH! So you admit that he's associated with a religion! And you wish to convert the human village to your own twisted version of this religion, making your own from the vague connection!
Dawitsu: Aya, for pity's sake, I just wanted to be nice to some kids!
Aya: LIES! HEINOUS LIES!
Dawitsu: And here's me thinking that we were friends...
Aya: You... you consider me a friend?
Dawitsu: Well, yeah, I dunno, we've sort of associated with each other long enough that I kinda thought we were pals. Plus, I sorta have a rapport with you Tengu, know what I'm saying?
Aya: Oh... you're... you're so kind...
Dawitsu: Now, I'll be going...
Aya: HOLD IT! You were just playing the friendship card to trick me into leaving you alone! That's it! I'm going to tell the whole world your dirty little secret!
Dawitsu: Ugh, fine. Tell everyone. What's the headline gonna be? 'Youkai Mimicker gives presents to human children, he must be hanged'?
Aya: We all know those weren't really presents! They were religious items that give faith to your twisted cult of evil!
Dawitsu: Just leave me alone... oh, and if you dare put any words in my mouth when you type up this interview, I'll personally go up to your house and destroy your press. Again. Oh, by the way, you're looking particularly ravishing and I want you to have my mimicking parrot tengu babies...
As you can see, the man is clearly both infatuated with this intrepid reporter and is also heading an evil fourth religion, and so I rejected his strong advances nobly and am now bringing this article of vital importance.
It is imperative that if you are a human, and you are reading this, that you do not convert to this youkai's religion, as his nefarious schemes are no doubt damaging to Gensokyo as a whole, and not in any way altruistic or kind-hearted.
This is Pure and Honest Shameimaru, looking out for weak and confused humans everywhere for the good of Gensokyo. There's no need to thank me, it's my civilian duty...
Article written by Aya Shameimaru.
Present-day hindsight: Like, Aya was really excited about this article when she told me about it, and she, like, totally insisted on typing it up and everything. I like, totally felt like a third wheel, it was, like, a nightmare!
Alls I did was sit there while she typed away on the typewriter and got all worked up! She, like, turned red for some reason towards the end, like she was fantasising about something, but, like, I can't imagine what...
...although, I think she may have, like, slightly exaggerated some of the story. I mean, like, that tengu mimicker guy totally wouldn't go for Aya. It's obvious that if he was into tengu, he'd go for me, 'cos I'm, like, so much prettier than her. Not that I'm into him, I'm just, like, being realistic. I mean, I have twin-tails and long socks and everything! I am the definition of cute, while Aya's the definition of tacky.
Not that, we like, argue. Honestly, we're like, the best of friends, really!