DISCLAIMER

All characters from theIt Ain't Half Hot Mumseries belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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What Do You Go For

(set at any pointduring the first four series of It Ain't Half Hot Mum)

I. DhobiDay

(Royal Artillery Depot Deolali, outside on the parade ground; Rumzan the punkah-wallah is sitting outside the officers' quarters, punkah-ing, and Muhammed the char-wallah is polishing his char urn. Then Rangi the bearer arrives.)

Muhammed: "Salaam, Rangi!"

Rangi: "Ah, salaam, Muhammed! Ohohoho! Oh, deary me!"

(Rangi wiggles his head worriedly.)

Muhammed: "What is the matter Rangi? And why are you so late?"

Rangi: "I will tell you all about it." (clears his throat very disgustingly) "I was on my way to work, which is here, on my bicycle, isn't it? But then, some damn native was crossing road with his herd. Ohohoho! Whole road was blocked with cows, isn't it? So, I say to this man: 'What you think you are doing, you ignorant coolie!' And you know what he say?"

Muhammed: "He say: 'I am crossing road with my herd?'"

Rangi: "Aah, no. He say 'I am working.' So I say: 'How dare you! I am on my way to work for Royal Artillery Concert Party, which is most top-hole job in world!'"

Muhammed: "And what did he say then, Rangi?"

Rangi: "He say: 'You are no better than the British,' which made me very proud."

(Rangi wiggles his head contently.)

Muhammed: "But why are you so worried, Rangi?"

Rangi: "Aah. Because I am late, isn't it?"

Rumzan: (speaks a few sentences in Urdu) "…Sgt. Major sahib, guts for garters!"

Rangi: "Don't be Nosey Parker! And sit up straight when you are punkah-ing!" (to Muhammed again) "What is our glorious British Empire coming to with fellows like him?"

Sgt. Major: (very loudly) "BEARER!"

Rangi: "Oh, blimey."

(Sergeant Major Williams is standing in the middle of the parade ground, looking extremely angry. Ragi gazes at him, frightenedly.)

Sgt. Major: "Get over 'ere, bearer!"

Muhammed: (patting Rangi on the back) "Good luck, Rangi."

Sgt. Major: "I is waiting for you, bearer! Move yourself!"

Rangi: (whispering) "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib…"

(Rangi walks over to the Sgt. Major, who is positively red in the face with rage.)

Sgt. Major: "Bearer!"

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP!"

Rangi: "But sahib, you said…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! Bearer, you is late!"

Rangi: "Yes, sahib, but I can explain. There was this damn native…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! I does not want to hear no explanations! You is late, bearer! And you is not just late."

Rangi: "No, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "No, bearer. You is late on dhobi day!"

Rangi: (relieved) "Oh, but Sgt. Major sahib, dhobi-wallah is gone!"

Sgt. Major: (puzzled) "Gone?"

Rangi: "Yes, sahib. Dhobi-wallah stopped doing his dhobi here and went to place where business is better, in native village."

Sgt. Major: "What do you mean, where business is better!"

Rangi: "Sgt. Major sahib, people in native village want their dhobi washed more often than concert party, isn't it? So more work for dhobi-wallah there."

Sgt. Major: "Is you suggestin' the natives are more clean than the British (h)army!"

Rangi: (staring at the huge sweat marks all over the Sgt. Major's uniform) "Oh, no, sahib! Is just what dhobi-wallah told me, that ignorant coolie!"

Sgt. Major: "Bearer."

Rangi: "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib?"

Sgt. Major: "Find me a new dhobi-wallah! Jaldi, jaldi!"

Rangi: (running away through the parade ground gates) "Yes, Sgt. Major sahib!"

(The Sgt. Major turns towards the concert party's quarters and takes a deep breath.)

Sgt. Major: "CONCERT PARTY! GET ON PARADE!"

(The concert party comes stumbling out onto the parade ground, one by one with their arms full of green and kaki coloured laundry. They line up in front of the Sgt. Major.)

Sgt. Major: "At the double, at the double, move yourselves, move yourselves! I is waiting for you! Jaldi, jaldi! Left, right, left, right, halt! Stand at ease."

Graham: "Where are we supposed to put our laundry Sgt. Major?"

Sgt. Major: (mimicking Graham's posh accent) "Where are we supposed to put our laundry Sgt. Major?" (normal again) "Shut up! You is not supposed to put your laundry (h)anywhere, Mr La-di-da Gunner Graham!"

Sugden: "But it's dhobi day today, Sgt. Major…"

Sgt. Major: "Shut up! Very clever, lovely boy, but dhobi day is no dhobi day without no dhobi-wallah!"

Beaumont: (panicking) "There is no dhobi-wallah! How am I supposed to get the dress for my Ginger Rogers act clean by this evening? I'm a sensitive artist! How am I supposed to perform in this green hell!"

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! The bearer is out to find a new dhobi-wallah, so in the meantime, you can put your uniforms there, on the veranda, and we will do our morning drill."

Graham: "Drill? But we have nothing to wear, Sgt. Major. Do you expect us to do the drill dressed in nothing but our underwear?"

Sgt. Major: (mimicking Graham's posh accent) "Nothing to wear, Sgt. Major." (normal again) "Yes, lovely boys, you is doing the drill in your (h)underwear. What is the matter with you, Mr La-di-da Gunner Graham? Afraid you'll catch a cold?"

Graham:"No, Sgt. Major, but it's not appropriate, and it's the sun you see, we might get burned."

Sgt. Major: "SHUT UP! At the double! Left, right, left, right, left, right…"

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...to be continued.