Session 2

We went straight to the precinct. The squad room was silent as we walked in, eerie. I was going to just collapse in my desk chair but Fin and Munch led me into Cragen's office.

They sat me down on the couch and they sat either side of me with one hand each in theirs held tight.

Don sunk into his desk chair and that's when we all finally realised exactly what had happened. Munch took off his glasses, he didn't want to hide his tears which surprised me a lot at the time but I guess he didn't want any of us to think it wasn't affecting him as much as it was affecting the rest of us.

We were all crying silently. None of us knew what to say or what to do other than cry.

A part of me wanted to run. I didn't want to sit there facing the harsh reality that my partner had just died, I was supposed to have his back but at that point I didn't, when he needed me most I wasn't there.

We sat there silently crying for a good half an hour before the chief and the commander showed up. When they walked into the room we all stood up as expected.

"Captain Cragen, Detectives, we are very sorry for your loss." He said stoically and I just wanted to scream at him but instead I just sunk into Fin's side and he held me upright while the bastard continued with his speech. "We know that this is a tough time for all of you, all of your cases have been transferred over to other units for the time being and the family notification has been made. Uh Detective Benson, they're asking when you're ready would you please join them at home…" That's when I completely lost it.

We hadn't told anyone we were living together, the only people who knew were Kathy and the kids and that was only because it was need to know, I hadn't given up my apartment and so I didn't need to request a change of address… but hearing him say home… the home I shared with Elliot, the apartment we chose together… It ripped my heart out because I knew then I couldn't go back there.

"Baby Girl?" Fin asked as he and Munch lowered me back to the couch.

"I can't…" Was all I could muster before breaking out in cold hard sobs again.

I think it hurt the others more. If I'd have been able to hold it together a little maybe they wouldn't have been so bad but I couldn't, I was dying piece by piece and it was painful, it was excruciating pain.

"You don't have to." Munch said as he embraced me with one arm. He and Fin cocooned me, like they were trying to protect me as much as they could.

"As we said we understand this is a difficult time for your squad Captain." The Chief said before hurrying out, they couldn't stand the scene.

No other unit compares to SVU, they don't have the same bond the same reliance because without that bond and that reliance we couldn't do what we do on a daily basis and unless you work SVU then you couldn't even begin to understand it.

After the chief and commissioner left we sat there for another hour or so. Some rookie uniform cop, bless his soul, brought in coffee for everyone. He just walked in, put them on the desk and walked out without a word, without even looking at any of us. That was the kindest and most thoughtful thing anyone could have done at that point.

Once we were all sat with our coffee's I knew I had to say something, I had a feeling that no one else would say anything until I did and the silence was deadly.

"I'm sorry." It came out in a whisper and that alone had been painful to say.

The three men in the room glared at me, telling me with their eyes that I had nothing to be sorry about but I did, like I've said before, I was his partner it was my job, my duty to protect him and make sure he went home to his kids at the end of every shift and I failed.

We fell straight back into silence after that. I don't know why but I couldn't find anything to say. A good ten minutes had passed before Cragen's phone rang pulling us all out of our thoughts.

"Cragen." He didn't sound anything like his usual confident self and for some reason it made me feel worse.

He covered the mouth piece with his hand and looked at me and I knew before he told me who it was and I shook my head.

"Olivia, they're asking for you."

"Who is it?" I asked my voice barely making any noise.

"Kathleen." He replied and I managed to get up and walk to the phone my legs trembling with every step. "Hi Kathleen."

Olivia! Please come home!

"I can't Kath, not… not yet." I knew it was selfish, they needed me but at that moment I wasn't able to be the person they needed.

Ok we understand Olivia… were you there?

"Till the very end." I managed to say with tears gushing down my face again.

Fin rushed to my side and Munch brought a chair over for me to sit, I don't understand why my body was reacting in such a way but there was no hope for me to keep my weight up.

"Kathleen, he said to tell you all that he loves you." I said, I didn't know if it was the right time to tell them because I knew I was on speaker but the sooner I got it out of me the better.

We knew he would. Please come home soon Olivia.

"As soon as I can." I said and for the first time ever I meant 'can' as in emotionally face it because home was the last place I wanted to go.

We love you Olivia.

"I love you guys too." I said before passing the phone over to Don, I couldn't speak to them anymore, Kathleen sounded so hurt and it was like being stabbed repeatedly.

Don closed up the conversation and then hung up the phone. He then turned to me slowly like he wasn't sure if what he was about to say was appropriate.

"Why don't you go and get cleaned up Liv?" He suggested softly.

I looked down and for the first time realised I was caked in blood, his blood. It probably sounds really gross and strange but I didn't want to go and get washed, I had his blood on me… on my hands, how appropriate.

I agreed though, it wasn't fair to anyone else in the room that I was sat there covered in his blood.

When I was in the shower I did a heck of a lot more crying. I used things from his locker instead of my own, his shower gel, his shampoo and then I changed into his sweats and NYPD t-shirt and it brought me very little comfort.

I went back to the office and a fresh mug of coffee was handed to me. I accepted it gratefully.

"Warner's finished with the…" I stopped him, I couldn't face hearing Elliot being referred to like just another victim.

"I want to go down there." I said and Don nodded.

"We'll all go but you're listed as his next of kin so it's up to you to make the ID." Don told her and I nodded, even though I'd been there at the moment he took his last breath I still had to officially ID the body.

We went down to the morgue together and I clung tight to Don and Fin's hands as we walked into the cold dank building. The thousands of times I'd been there before was nothing compared to being there then.

Rather than going to the window where we take families to ID vics we went straight inside. My hands were sweating even though my body was trembling and I felt so cold.

Melinda looked at me and I could see that she'd done her fair share of crying. I nodded to her to draw back to sheet and as he came into my sight I felt the bile rising in my throat. Luckily, I'd been in the morgue often enough to know there was a sink right behind me.

"You're ok baby girl." Fin whispered as he pulled back my hair and stroked my back.

"It can't be him." I said even though, like I said before I watched him take his last breath.

Seeing him on the mortuary slab was hard. He didn't look like Elliot anymore, it was just his shell, his cold, blue shell and it was horrible, the only times I had ever seen him like that was in my scariest of nightmares often enough when he'd gotten close to being dead.

"Cover him up." Don said but I shook my head and stepped back towards the body.

"Can I have a minute?" I asked and everyone left the room, I knew Don would have gone straight to the intercom to listen but I didn't care.

I stared for a moment and then I dropped my hand to his cheek.

"I'm so sorry." I said, even though I knew it was hopeless I mean it wasn't like he could hear me. "I'm so sorry Elliot. God this is all my fault if… If we'd just waited for back up, or put on our vests you'd be alive now… oh my God I'm so sorry." I leant over and kissed his head and he felt like stone against my lips. "I will always love you Elliot Stabler, I will no matter what there will never be anyone like you in my life." It was a bit late to be telling him this but it didn't matter in my heart I'm sure he knew this before we hopped into bed together that first time. "I'll do what I can for your kids El but Jesus it's not going to be easy, they look so much like you… especially Richard. But I love you El and that is something that will never change." I kissed him once last time before hurrying out.

If felt like someone was wrapping something around my lungs and squeezing tight because I couldn't breathe. I was desperately scratching for oxygen but it was no good. Melinda came over and helped me through that panic attack before we all headed off back to the precinct.

When we arrived back I rushed to my desk, grabbed one of the photos of myself and Elliot from it and rushed off to the cribs. I climbed into the cot that… that he and I first made love but when George Huang came upstairs and saw me having a second panic attack he gave me a sedative so I could at least have some form of sleep, even if it was drug induced.

When I woke up the next morning I first thought it had all been a dream. Actually, I might have wished it was a dream but as the silence surrounded me and not the usual echo of the hustle and bustle of the squad room I knew that it had really happened.

At first I didn't want to leave the confines of the cribs but I knew the longer I put it off the harder it would be. I left and made my way downstairs not caring about my appearance which I knew was bad, I knew that my hair was a mess and Elliot's clothes on me were five sizes to big and extremely rumpled and I also knew that my eyes were bloodshot and my cheeks were tearstained but I really didn't care.

The first thing I was faced with was Elliot's locker. A table stood in front of it with candles and some other mementos but none of it had been set up because I knew as his partner that was my job. I was grateful that whoever had gathered the objects had been respectful enough to appreciate that I would want to do this for him.

Munch and Fin had both been sitting at their respective desks when I came down and they instantly joined me at the table.

"I'll get Don." Munch said as I began to move things to be where they should be.

There were five candles, one for each of us leads and our superior. I lit my own and then passed the matches around before they came back to me to light Elliot's candle, the white one in the middle.

"I miss you already El." I whispered stroking a finger down the picture in his dress blues.

I felt a comforting hand on each shoulder and one on my back and I allowed the presiding tears to fall silently as I closed my eyes praying that wherever he was that he was at peace.

The three men around me all gathered round me in a tight embrace. I knew we were all crying and I tried to give them as much comfort as they were giving me because the truth was if they weren't there for me… I'd have really done something stupid.

"Did you contemplate it?"

Every time I had a quiet moment, I thought just how easy it would be to end it all and be with him again but then I remembered that in Catholicism suicide is a sin and if I did that, he wouldn't want me then.

Once we'd gathered ourselves enough to move we made our way to Don's office and the same uni from the previous night brought in coffees. I stopped him by grabbing his arm softly and he looked at me almost fearful.

"Thank you." I said and he just nodded at me before walking out, I don't think he realised how much a simple gesture really meant to the four of us.

"It's going to be really different now isn't it?" I asked after a while and I knew that it was the opening that the other's needed to say something.

"It is baby girl, but we've still got each other." Fin said pulling me into him so I was lying against him and he played with my hair softly and I enjoyed the comfort.

"Just because he's gone Olivia, he'll never be forgotten, he's always going to fill that squad room." Don said and I nodded in agreement, I didn't realise then how right he was because even now I still walk into the squad room and feel like he's still close.

After that we went silent again, it was awkward in so many ways but in another way it was nice because we were all left to our own thoughts and memories.

An hour or so later there was a knock at the door.

"Detective Stabler's children are here Sir." The uni said and my stomach lurched, I wanted to see them of course I did but I was also scared that they'd blame me, me blaming me was one thing but having them blaming me and hating me… I couldn't have lived with it.

I slowly made my way out of the office followed by the men but I barely made it a foot into the bullpen before four arms were around me.

I cried harder at that point than I had at all since … well since it happened. The kids were sobbing and I was near hysterical, I couldn't cope with it.

Desperately I looked over at Don because I needed to get away, I couldn't handle being there with his kids all so hurt because it made me feel worse, I should have been the one to take that bullet not him I didn't have a family like he did.

"Kids come through here." Don said to them and the all slowly let go of me and as soon as the last arm was off me I bolted upstairs to the cribs, I just had to get away.

I couldn't face them, seeing them all so hurt it was like more and more of my heart breaking and I couldn't stand it. I threw myself back onto the crib I'd slept in that night and curled up and sobbed hard.

I didn't expect George Huang to be the person coming into the cribs but he was. He sat down and took my hand before dropping two white pills into them. I looked at him and he shrugged.

"Many people when they lose someone close to them need something to help them through the first few hours, they're a mild anti-anxiety." He said and I nodded before popping both pills into my mouth and swallowing them dry.

I don't know why I did it. I mean he'd offered me drugs in the past for a variety of reasons but I'd always rejected them and fought him on his reasons for offering them but this time I didn't even think twice before swallowing the pills.

What I didn't know was that these specific anti-anxieties had a sedative effect. I didn't even care if I'm honest because every hour I slept was one hour less I was hurting, dying from the grief.

I was very surprised when I woke up with a pair of arms around me. Again at first I thought everything had been a dream and I thought I was back in my bed with Elliot's arms wrapped around me, that was until I heard a voice.

"Olivia?"

I rolled over as much as I could on the small cot to make sure I was definitely not hearing things.

"Maureen." I whispered before pulling the eldest Stabler into my arms.

She cried softly against my chest and I cried a little too.

"Daddy really loved you." She said after a while and my heart broke even more.

"I love him too Maureen, more than I've ever loved anyone." I told her, she knew how special my relationship with her father was, it was her that had encouraged him to make a move on me when he and Kathy finally divorced.

"We all understand you're hurting too Liv, we're not expecting you to be there for us this time." Maureen continued and again it hurt to hear her say such a thing but I was grateful.

"We just want you to remember that none of us are blaming you for what happened to him and we're really glad you were there for him when… when he died."

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't talk. I really thought I was having a heart attack or something but when Maureen realised something was up and ran to get help I found out it was just another panic attack and George gave me another shot of a sedative and informed the kids that they were better off coming back because I'd be out for a few hours.

I think I was sleeping more during those first few days because between the anti-anxiety and the sedative George kept me doped up on I was out like a light every time but now when I look back on it I know it's the best thing he could have done because I wasn't coping in the few hours I was awake as it was.