Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
With commentary by Lynn and Bunbun
Once upon a time in mid winter, when the snowflakes were falling like feathers from heaven, the beautiful queen Ira sat sewing at her window, which had a frame of black ebony wood. As she sewed, she looked up at the snow and pricked her finger with her needle. Three drops of blood fell into the snow. The red on the white looked so beautiful, that she thought, "If only I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as this frame." Soon afterward she had a little son that had hair as white as snow, and she was content. They called the child the Joker.
"Oh bugger. He'd better stay the Joker!" Lynn said warningly.
Now the queen was the most fabulous woman in all the land, and very proud of her fabulousness. She had a mirror, which she stood in front of every morning, and asked:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"
And the mirror always said:
"You, my queen, are most fabulous of all."
And then she knew for certain that no one in the world was more fabulous than she.
Now the Joker grew up, and when he was seven years old, he found a mysterious ring, with a long cord attatched to it. He put the cord about his neck, and felt himself change. Here was the red and the black the queen had wished for; a longing for red blood, and a black heart and soul. This instantly made him so fabulous, that he surpassed even the queen herself. Now when Queen Ira asked her mirror:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"
The mirror said:
"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.
But the Joker with white hair is still
A thousand times more fabulous than you."
"Wait a second, I thought it was going to be me. Why is he still called the Joker?"
"Do you want to be in the story, Fluffy?"
"No, but for a second there I was worried…and don't call me Fluffy!"
When the queen heard the mirror say this, she became pale with envy, and from that hour on, she hated the Joker. Whenever she looked at him, she thought that the Joker was to blame that she was no longer the most fabulous queen in the world. This turned her heart around. Her jealousy gave her no peace. Finally she summoned a thief and said to him, "Take the Joker out into the woods to a remote spot, and stab him to death. As proof that he is dead bring his lungs and her liver back to me. I shall cook them with salt and eat them."
"Now that's just revolting." Bunbun complained. Lynn looked over at her and grinned.
"Oh I don't know…the lungs are a bit unorthodox, but I could quite happily eat my opponent's liver."
Zazu the thief took the Joker into the woods. When he took out his hunting knife to stab the boy, a strange power came over the Joker. Zazu found himself powerless as Lynn seized his knife and stabbed him with it, laughing evilly.
"Yes, finally, a bit of action in this stupid story!" Lynn cheered.
Suddenly, the Joker was horrified at what he had done. He ran away, deep into the woods, and the huntsman was too afraid to chase after him. Just then a young boar came running by where the huntsman stood. Zazu killed it, cut out its lungs and liver, and took them back to Queen Pegasus as proof of the Joker's death. She cooked them with salt and ate them, supposing that she had eaten the Joker's lungs and liver.
The Joker was now all alone in the great forest. He was terribly afraid, and began to run. He ran over sharp stones and through thorns the entire day. Finally, just as the sun was about to set, he came to a little house, belonging to five dwarfs. They were working in a mine, and not at home. The Joker went inside and found everything to be small, but neat and orderly. There was a little table with five little plates, five little spoons, five little knives and forks, five little mugs, and against the wall there were five little beds, all freshly made.
The Joker was hungry and thirsty, so he ate a few vegetables and a little bread from each little plate, and from each little glass he drank a drop of wine. Because he was so tired, he wanted to lie down and go to sleep. He tried each of the five little beds, one after the other, but none felt right until he came to the fifth one, and he lay down in it and fell asleep.
When night came, the five dwarfs returned home from the work. They lit their five little candles, and saw that someone had been in their house.
The first one said, "Who has been sitting in my chair?"
The second one, "Who has been eating from my plate?"
The third one, "Who has been eating my bread?"
The fourth one, "Who has been eating my vegetables?"
The fifth one, "Who has been sticking with my fork?"
The first one, "Who has been cutting with my knife?"
The second one, "Who has been drinking from my glass?"
Then the first one said, "Who stepped on my bed?"
The second one, "And someone has been lying in my bed."
And so on until the fifth one, and when he looked at his bed, he found The Joker lying there, fast asleep. The other four dwarfs all came running, and they cried out with amazement. They fetched their five candles and looked at The Joker. "Good heavens! Good heavens!" they cried. "He is so hot!" They liked him very much. They did not wake him up, but let him lie there in the bed. The fifth dwarf had to share a bed with the fourth.
When The Joker woke up, they asked him who he was and how he had found his way to their house. He told them how his mother had tried to kill him, but pretended that the rare hunter had spared his life. The dwarfs pitied him and said,
"If you will keep house for us, and cook, sew, make beds, wash, and knit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay here, and you'll have everything that you want. We come home in the evening, and supper must be ready by then, but we spend the days digging for gold in the mine. You will be alone then. Watch out for the queen, and do not let anyone in." They also introduced themselves to the Joker, who found that the dwarves' names were Tori, SH, Yuri, Moribana and Nefermaat.
"Tell them to cook their own shit."
The queen thought that she was again the most fabulous person in the land, and the next morning she stepped before the mirror and asked:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"
The mirror answered once again:
"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.
But The Joker beyond the five mountains
Is a thousand times more fabulous than you."
It startled the queen to hear this, and she knew that she had been deceived, that the thief had not killed The Joker. Because only the five dwarfs lived in the five mountains, she knew at once that they must have rescued him. She began to plan immediately how she might kill the Joker, because she would have no peace until the mirror once again said that she was the most fabulous woman in the land. At last she thought of something to do. She disguised herself as an old peddler woman and coloured her face, so that no one would recognize her, and went to the dwarf's house. Knocking on the door she called out, "Open up. Open up. I'm the old peddler woman with good wares for sale."
The Joker peered out the window, "What do you have?"
"Hair combs, dear child," said the old woman, and held one up. It glittered in the sunlight. "Would you like this one?"
"Oh, yes," said The Joker, thinking, "I can let the old woman come in. She means well." He opened the door, and bought the comb from the old woman.
"Come, let me comb your hair," she said. She had barely stuck the comb into Lynn's hair, before the boy fell down and was dead, as she had poisoned it. "That will keep you lying there," said the queen. And she went home with a light heart.
The dwarfs came home just in time. They saw what had happened and pulled the poisoned comb from The Joker's hair. He opened his eyes and came back to life, promising the dwarfs he would not let anyone in again.
The queen stepped before her mirror:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"
The mirror answered:
"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.
But The Joker with the five dwarfs
Is a thousand times more fabulous than you."
When Queen Ira heard this, she shook and trembled with anger, "The Joker will die, if it costs me my life!" Then she went into her most secret room - no one else was allowed inside - and she made a poisoned, poisoned apple.
"What, she poisoned it twice?" Bunbun asked, puzzled.
"No you fool, it's repetition."
"There's no need to be mean, Lynn."
"You do know who you're talking to, right?"
"I'm not a complete idiot, you know!"
"Could have fooled me" Lynn muttered.
"I heard that, Fluffy!"
From the outside it was red and beautiful, and anyone who saw it would want it. Then she disguised herself as a peasant woman, went to the dwarfs' house and knocked on the door.
The Joker peeped out and said, "I'm not allowed to let anyone in. The dwarfs have forbidden it most severely."
"If you don't want to, I can't force you," said the peasant woman. "I am selling these apples, and I will give you one to taste."
"No, I can't accept anything. The dwarfs don't want me to."
"If you are afraid, then I will cut the apple in two and eat half of it-" She began when Lynn interrupted.
"I'm not afraid of your apple! Give it here!" Lynn grabbed the apple and bit into it, but he barely had the bite in his mouth when he fell to the ground dead.
"Aha! Who is the idiot now, fluffy?"
"Bunbun, be quiet or I will hurt you."
The queen was happy, went home, and asked her mirror:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"
And it answered:
"You, my queen, are most fabulous of all."
"Now I'll have some peace," she said, "because once again I'm the most fabulous woman in the land. The Joker will remain dead this time."
That evening the dwarfs returned home from the mines. Lynn was lying on the floor, and he was dead. They loosened his clothes and looked around for something poisonous, but nothing helped. They could not bring him back to life. They laid him on a bier,
"Why would that help?" Bunbun interrupted again.
"Bier you idiot, not beer! They think I-he is dead."
"Hah! You said I! You said I!" Bunbun taunted
"I will hurt you quite happily if you don't shut up. Now."
and all five sat next to him and cried and cried for three days. They were going to bury him, but they saw that he remained fresh. He did not look at all like a dead person, and his hair seemed to be growing. They had a glass coffin made for him, and laid him inside, so that he could be seen easily. They wrote his name and her ancestry on it in silver letters, and one of them always stayed at home and kept watch over him.
Lynn lay there in the coffin a long, long time, and he did not decay. He was still dark and his hair kept on slowly growing, and if he had been able to open his eyes, they still would have been as dark as ebony wood. He lay there as if merely asleep.
One day a young prince came to the dwarfs' house and wanted shelter for the night. When he came into their parlour and saw Lynn lying there in a glass coffin, illuminated so beautifully by five little candles, he could not get enough of his beauty. He read the silver inscription and saw that Lynn was the son of a king. He asked the dwarfs to sell him the coffin with the dead Lynn, but they would not do this for any amount of gold. Then he asked them to give Lynn to him, for he could not live without being able to see him, and he would keep him, and honour him as his most cherished thing on earth. Then the dwarfs took pity on him and gave him the coffin.
"Good to know your friends'll give up your dead body to a random prince." Lynn commented.
"You know," Bunbun said, "people who have an obsession with dead bodies are called necrophiliacs."
The prince had it carried to his castle, and had it placed in a room where he sat by it the whole day, never taking his eyes from it. Whenever he had to go out and was unable to see Lynn, he became sad. And he could not eat a bite, unless the coffin was standing next to him. Now the servants who always had to carry the coffin to and fro became angry about this. One time one of them opened the coffin, lifted Lynn upright, and said, "We are plagued the whole day long, just because of such a dead boy," and he hit him in the back with his hand. Then the terrible piece of apple that he had bitten off came out of his throat, and Lynn came back to life. After punishing the servant that had woken him, he walked up to the prince, who was beside himself with joy to see his beloved Lynn alive. They sat down together at the table and ate.
Their wedding was set for the next day, and Lynn's mother Queen Ira was invited as well. That morning she stepped before the mirror and said:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"
The mirror answered:
"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.
But the young queen
Is a thousand times more fabulous than you."
"Wait, I have to be a queen too?" Lynn demanded. "I can understand Ira being a queen, but – and you stop laughing, Rapunzel!" He snapped at Bunbun.
She was horrified to hear this, and so overtaken with fear that she could not say anything. Still, her jealousy drove her to go to the wedding and see the young queen. When she arrived she saw that it was Lynn, who had the idea of putting a pair of iron shoes into the fire until they glowed, and forcing Queen Ira to put them on and dance in them. Her feet were terribly burned, and she could not stop until she had danced herself to death.
"Wait, but who was the prince? It doesn't say!" Lynn objected.
"It was me!" A deep voice came from the doorway of the room, making Lynn fall off of his chair.
"Afekia!"