Hey guys, sorry for the long wait. I've been struggling with part two of this story for a long time. But, I've finally gotten around to finishing it, so here you go. :) Hopefully it's okay. I feel like it's awful but that might just be me.
Logan Mitchel is having trouble finding the words he needs to say. There's so many things he feels he needs to say about James Diamond, but he just doesn't know how. So, he simply stands there at the podium, blinking back tears as the crowd of people at the funeral stare at him. Clearing his throat, he turns his attention to Kendall and Carlos in the front row, who in turn nod at him, offering encouraging smiles. He can do this. He has to.
"James was an amazing person," Logan starts, feeling a bit self-conscious from all the eyes on him. His eyes fall upon his husband, Spencer, and he feels a bit guilty. But Spencer knows how much James meant to him, and Logan knows that everything will be fine between them, no matter what he says about the hazel-eyed man. "He was...so much more than just "the face." He was my best friend, and on the inside, he was one of the sweetest, most caring guys I've ever met. But not many people got to see that side of him. In fact, I may have been the only one." Logan's throat feels tight, and he has to stop talking. He's aware that he probably just gave the worst speech ever, but it's too hard to talk about James in the past tense. It's too hard to accept that he's dead. His cheeks are a light pink as he steps away from the podium. There's so much more he wants to say, but he just can't hold it together anymore. It doesn't matter that James broke his heart ten years ago. It doesn't matter that he left shortly after. Logan loved him despite all that, no matter how much he hated himself for it.
As he takes his place between Kendall and Spencer, the blonde wraps an arm around his shoulders. But the gesture gives little comfort, and the brown-eyed man let's a few tears break free, leaning against Kendall as he lets grief wash over him. It means the world to him that all these people came to say goodbye to such a wonderful man. James deserved to be loved, no matter how badly he messed up. Logan lifts his head to gaze at the casket that contains his ex-boyfriend, his vision starting to become blurred. He'd lived without James for so long. He just wanted to see him one last time, and he'd gotten his wish. But Logan would rather have went the rest of his life not seeing the sandy-haired man, because watching the man he loved die in his arms was too much. After James had closed his eyes, and his breathing had stopped, Logan had freaked. He had screamed James's name over and over again until the ambulance arrived. He knew that James was gone; he just didn't want to believe it.
Logan feels a hand touch his shoulder gently from behind, and turns to see Camille, tears in her eyes. Suddenly, James's words come flooding back to him. Camille knows the truth. She knows what Logan does not.
"I'm so sorry, Logan," Camille whispers, and Logan can only nod in response as he turns back around, watching as the lid of James's casket is closed. It's time for him to be taken to the cemetery to be buried. Taking a deep breath, Logan stands, following behind the men carrying out the casket. His heart is pounding painfully. The raven-haired man can't stand the thought of James being buried, feet below the ground. He can't stand the thought of never seeing him again. Spencer stops him as he's about to get into the car, gently pulling him to the passenger side.
"Let me drive," his husband says gently, and Logan simply nods in agreement. He wouldn't be able to see clearly through his tears, anyway. As Spencer joins the funeral procession, the raven-haired man places his head in his hands, trying to stop the tears pouring from his eyes. The ride to the cemetery is a blur, and Logan is only partially aware of his husband trying to comfort him. His heart is aching, his eyes are burning, and he's fairly certain he's going to die any second now. His heart is going to shatter and stop beating. He's going to drown in his tears.
Logan doesn't even look up until he feels the car come to a stop, and when he does, he tries to look anywhere but at the rows of headstones. There's no way he'll be able to get through these next minutes without completely breaking down. He already feels sick to his stomach, and he's struggling to get enough oxygen into his lungs. He's quite certain that he's hyperventilating, the anticipation too much.
"I can't do this," he whispers, turning to his husband. "I can't." He's shaking, his hands gripping the edge of the seat tightly. Spencer places a hand over Logan's, giving him a soft smile.
"Yes, you can," he says gently. "I know you can." Spencer gives his hand a squeeze before opening his door and getting out, moving around the car to the passenger door. He opens the door for Logan, pulling the raven-haired man out of his seat. The ground feels too soft under Logan's feet. It had been raining almost non-stop for the past few days, and the dirt had turned to mud. But, this was to be expected. It was spring here in Minnesota, and spring meant rain. Though, Logan didn't think he'd ever seen so much rain at one time. It was almost as if he heavens were crying for James, for Logan.
"Logan!" The grief-stricken man turns at the sound of his name, and then he's being crushed in a tight hug. "This must be so hard for you, but I'm here. There's so much I need to tell you." Logan pulls away, meeting Camille's eyes.
"I know," he mutters. "James told me...he told me you know the truth, whatever that means." Camille nods, trying to smile but failing quite miserably. She gives Logan a sympathetic look before grabbing onto his arm and gently pulling him to where the others are gathered, getting ready to say their final goodbyes. Spencer trails behind, wanting to comfort his husband but not knowing how. Nothing he says seems to bring him any comfort, and he feels so useless.
Atop James's casket is a large bouquet of red roses. Logan picked them out, knowing they were a favorite of the hazel-eyed man. And now, each guest comes forward and takes a rose, and Logan clutches his close to his chest, tears still falling freely. He wants to stop crying, but he can't. James is dead and it's jut not fair, it's not right. He looks away as James's casket is being lowered into the hole dug deep into the ground. He can't stand to watch him disappear from sight. The crowd falls silent, and the silence rips Logan to shreds. He stares at the rose in his hands, trying to find meaning in its deep red petals. A priest comes forward and says a few prayers, and the chocolate-eyed man finds himself drifting closer to the hole dug deep in the earth. He has only moments left, and he wants to be as close to James as possible before there is feet of dirt separating them. The priest asks if anyone would like to say a few final words, and Logan finds himself at the very edge of James's grave. There are no words to describe what he's feeling, and so, with a deep breath, Logan brings the rose up to his lips, kissing the petals before letting go of his grip on the stem. Time seems to freeze for a moment as the flower falls, and Logan cringes slightly as it hits the casket. There is a moment of mutual understanding, where every single person present stares at the rose and sees it as the promise that it is. No one comes forward to speak. No one needs to. Logan's message is clear; James will forever be in their hearts.
One by one people begin to leave, and soft conversations fill the silence. Logan stays where he is, his eyes glued to the flower he just dropped. He feels arms wrap around him from behind, and then Camille is at his side, and Kendall and Carlos appear on his other side. They all watch in silence as the first shovel-full of dirt is thrown into the hole. Camille then turns Logan away, and Spencer trails behind with Kendall and Carlos. The brunette leads them to the top of a small hill, and then she takes a deep breath before addressing them all.
"There's something you guys have to know," she says softly, and Logan meets her gaze, his heart pounding. Spencer squeezes his hand before heading back down the hill, giving them all some space. He never knew James, but he can tell that this is important, and he knows that it's really none of his business. He could never fully understand.
The other three listen as Camille begins her story, telling of how she ran into James two weeks ago on her way to the store. James had been looking for Logan for almost a month, but he wasn't having any luck. He had been just about to give up when he saw Camille. Camille had been angry at first; she knew James had broken Logan's heart and wanted nothing to do with him. But James begged her to hear him out, and so she did. The truth is, James never wanted to hurt Logan like he did, but he was scared. He had somehow managed to get a stalker, and he was slowly going insane with fear. He kept seeing the man who was stalking him more and more, and he feared not only for his own life, but for his friends' lives as well. The fear clouded his mind. It consumed him, and the only thing he could think of to do was to leave. He figured if he left, his friends wouldn't get hurt. Logan wouldn't get hurt. But he didn't want Logan to miss him, and so he confronted him and lied before leaving.
Logan falls to his knees at this point, his heart shattering all over again. He should have seen how much James was hurting, how scared he was. He should have pulled the pretty boy aside the second he noticed James was acting strange and demanded to know what was wrong. This was all his fault. He was his boyfriend. He should have known. Logan remembers the night James left with perfect clarity. The moment is burned into the back of his mind.
Logan was asleep on the couch, the ending credits of a movie playing on the TV. He had fallen asleep waiting for James to get home. His boyfriend had been at a birthday party all day, and though Logan had been invited, he didn't know anyone there and decided he'd rather not go. He wouldn't have had much fun, anyway. James gently shook him awake, and Logan smiled sleepily. "Hey," he murmured. "How was the party?" "It was fine," James replied, but he wouldn't meet Logan's eyes, and this bothered the shorter boy. "What's wrong, babe?" he asked, frowning slightly. "You okay?" James was silent for a moment. "No," he said finally with a soft sigh. "I'm not okay, Logan." The brown-eyed boy sat up, concerned. "What happened?" Logan was quick to question. But James didn't answer, and Logan was quickly becoming worried. "This isn't working," James finally blurted out, and he still wouldn't meet Logan's eyes. The shorter boy was confused. "What isn't working, Jamie?" "Us," the sandy-haired man sighed, and Logan stood up to stand before his boyfriend. "We're not working." "Why would you say that? Did I do something? Are you mad at me?" The raven-haired boy was hopelessly confused. He had thought the two of them had a wonderful relationship. Sure, James had been a bit more reserved these past few weeks, but Logan had just passed it off as stress from the long hours they spent recording with Gustavo. Now, he wasn't so sure. "No, it's not you, Logan," James said softly, and finally he meets his boyfriend's eyes. Logan can see the sadness and regret in those eyes, and his stomach twists into a knot. "I...I haven't been honest with you." "James-" "I don't love you, Logan," James cut in, and Logan's jaw dropped open. "What?" he whispered in disbelief, his heart pounding. This couldn't be happening. "I've never really loved you," James continued. "Not like that. But you loved me so much, and I didn't want to make you upset. I didn't want to lose you, so I pretended to love you back." Logan fell silent, his eyes stinging as tears started to roll down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Logan. I never should have strung you along like that. I shouldn't have lied to you, or pretended to love you. I see now that by trying to make you happy, I just made things worse." James kissed his forehead before turning on his heel and walking away towards the door. "James, wait!" Logan called out, his voice breaking. James doesn't look back. He keeps on going, closing the door gently behind himself. Logan collapsed to his knees, sobbing.
Now Logan knows that James said all that so that he wouldn't miss him. He knows that every word was a lie. James loved him up until the end, and Logan loved him. The raven-haired man can't help but think that James's plan kind if backfired. Logan had still missed James after he left, and it had hurt so much to be left there, sobbing in the living room. It had hurt to think James didn't love him.
Camille continues, explaining how James had ran away to New York, trying to escape his stalker. But he had been unsuccessful, and he had been tormented day after day until the day his stalker was hit by a bus while attempting to follow James across the street. James had almost immediately flown out to LA, hoping to find Logan and tell him the truth, hoping to be forgiven. This takes them back to the point when James ran into Camille, who, after hearing the story, gave James directions to Logan's house.
The brown-eyed man forces himself to his feet and hurries down the hill, unable to hear any more of Camille's story. He was so stupid! He should have seen through James's lie. Then none of this would have happened, and Logan would be living the rest of his life with the tall man. The last few shovel-fulls of dirt are being thrown over the grave, and Logan crosses his arms tightly as he sobs, trying to keep himself from falling apart. The grave-diggers finish and leave, and the broken-hearted man places himself atop the soft pile of newly-placed dirt. He doesn't say anything for a while, trying to calm down. No one comes after him, and he's glad. He needs some time alone to think and say goodbye. Logan digs his fingers into the dirt, unsure of what he is going to say. What do you say to a gravestone and a pile of dirt?
"Remember the day we first met?" he starts, smiling slightly at the memory. "The first day of kindergarten. It was playtime, and you were in the corner playing dolls with a bunch of girls. All the other boys were making fun of you, but I thought you were incredibly smart. It didn't matter that you were surrounded by girls. You had friends. And I had no one. So, I decided to go over there and play with you guys. If you could make friends playing with dolls, then so could I. But when I sat down, none of the girls talked to me or included me. You, however, simply gave me a doll to play with and continued on with your game like it was no big deal. You just accepted me, right then and there. Your Ken doll liked my Barbie doll, remember? They drove around in Barbie's car, going to the zoo, the store, the park. They bought everything from cookies to elephants."
"And then at nap time you placed your mat next to mine, and we got in trouble for whispering to each other after lights out. But we didn't care, and we ended up having to stay inside during recess, but it was okay because we had each other, and we were instantly best friend after that." Logan wipes at his eyes, and takes a deep breath.
"Then a week later, we met Kendall and Carlos and the four of us became inseparable. We all slept together during nap time, curled around each other like puppies. We played tag at recess. Every weekend we slept over at one of our houses."
"Those days when we first fell in love, those were the best days of my life. We had no idea what the future had in store for us, but everything felt magical and we were together and-" He pauses to let out a harsh sob, pressing his palms into his eyes in an attempt to stop his tears. "And w-we had our f-first k-ki-iss and it was filled with so m-much love. I c-can't believe I let myself believe that you d-didn't love me. I knew you did, I'd felt it so many times. I was just scared, I guess. I'd always been afraid to lose you because you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't live without you." His hands fall back to the dirt below him, and be rests his palms over the area he thinks James's heart is.
"You've always had my heart, James. I suppose I've always had yours, too. I just didn't know it." Another sob escapes, and he has to stop talking for a few minutes to calm himself. He feels dumb talking to James's gravestone. It's not like the hazel-eyed man can hear him, but saying all this out loud soothes his broken heart. Everything he's kept inside for years comes spilling past his lips, and once he's started he can't seem to stop.
"I wish I could hate you. I wish I could walk away from here and not feel a thing. But I can't. I love you and I will always love you." He thinks briefly of Spencer and pushes away the guilt he feels at these words. "Why did you leave me, Jamie? Why did you go? I need you. I want to hold you in my arms every single day and tell you how beautiful you are to me. I just got you back and now you've left again, and now I have no chance of seeing you again. Do you know what you do to me, James? Do you know how long I was searching for you before I let myself love again? You've ruined me. And yet I still love you with all the broken pieces of my heart."
"I love you. I love you so much it hurts." Logan falls silent, his heart thumping painfully as his body shakes with sobs. He's rooted to the spot where he sits. He doesn't want to go home. He never wants to leave. He'll do whatever it takes to feel James with him again. He'll wait here forever if he has to.
The wind picks up, snatching up fallen petals and spinning them around briefly before setting them back down. Logan's tears feel cold on his cheeks, and he wipes them away with the back of his hand, taking several deep breaths. Spencer will probably come to take him home soon, and Logan doesn't think he'll ever be ready for that moment. Leaving James after the years they spent apart feels so wrong. They were always meant to be together, never apart, but now Logan has Spencer, and he couldn't feel farther away from the sandy-haired man. He doesn't know anything about James anymore. He doesn't know what he did for a living or if he ever thought of coming back to Logan or if he ever found happiness on his own. The wind picks up again, and as Logan closes his eyes, he swears he feels the faint press of a hand upon his cheek, as gentle as a caress from the wind. No, he thinks. I do know something. I know James loved me, and I know he loves me now. He opens his eyes and pushes himself to his feet.
"Goodbye, James," he whispers, but he knows it's not really goodbye. James will always be a part of him, and he will always be watching over him. That much Logan is sure of. "You were all I ever needed, you know. As long as I had you, I was happy." He takes a deep breath and stares at the headstone, bringing a hand up to his lips and blowing a kiss. As he finally turns away, and sees Spencer coming towards him, he looks to the sky, and this time when the wind picks up, he hears its whisper, so quiet he almost misses it.
"I love you," it says, and Logan smiles.
So, there you go. :) Review, please?