Chapter 1: Merry Christmas Uncle Lex
It was Christmas Eve, about two years back, and the people in the streets of Metropolis were singing.
An old fashioned Christmas,
With snow falling hard.
On scenery looking like,
A pretty Christmas Card.
Inside, Chloe, the personal aid of Lex Luthor, was talking with Lex's clerk, Clark Kent, while the music was going on.
An old fashioned angel,
On top of a tree.
And candlelight shining down,
On friends surrounding me.
Chloe did a little dance as Clark smiled when Lex burst in. Clark was a tall lean man with glasses over his blue eyes with black hair.
"Kent!" Lex called out as the blonde aid stopped, and Clark stood at attention. "A pretty way to be wasting my time. 'An old fashioned Christmas.' You'll be an old fashioned pauper if you don't attend to your work."
"You wouldn't discharge me, sir." Clark said nervously. "Not on Christmas Eve."
"Oh, wouldn't I?" Lex asked when a lump of coal fell out of Clark's jacket pocket. "What's this? Stealing my coal, are we?"
"For the stove, sir." Clark said meekly. "It's so damp and chilly in here."
Clark had to sneak the coal in lump by lump when Lex's back was turned; luckily, he was never severely punished for it, especially since the office was actually a little refreshing in the summers.
"Next thing, you'll be picking my pockets." Lex said with a sneer.
"Oh look, sir." Clark said as he saw a figure in a purple button up shirt and black vest pass the window. "Your nephew Alex is coming to pay you a visit."
"What's that fool want?" Lex asked just as Alex popped in.
"I like him, sir." Clark said. "His smile warms my heart."
Alex was a young man with red hair and green eyes like his mother.
"Merry Christmas, Uncle Lex!" Alex called out.
"Humbug!" Lex called back dismissively.
"Oh, be merry, Uncle Lex." Alex persisted.
"Ha-ha-ha." Lex said in a lackluster way.
What's so merry on Christmas Day?
The merry money you throw away?
The merry bills you have to pay?
When you say 'Merry Christmas',
I say bah!
Clark shrugged at Chloe, neither of them really knew why Lex was so cold and unfeeling.
"Here's a present, Uncle Lex." Alex said as he handed a box to Lex.
"Humbug!" Lex called out as he opened the present to reveal, as he suspected, a tie.
I think you are a fool to waste your cash.
What's the present you always buy?
A handkerchief or an awful tie.
Look at this tie, and you'll know why,
When I get Christmas presents,
I say trash!
Lex tossed the tie away as it ended up wrapped around Clark's neck.
"It's you." Lex said encouragingly.
"But everything at Christmas is so jolly and lively." Alex continued. "The Christmas trees and wreaths of holly."
"Poison ivy." Lex scoffed.
"The girls and boys who dream about St. Nicholas." Alex went on.
"St. Nicholas?" Lex asked. "Ridiculous."
"Don't you like him, Uncle Lex?" Alex asked.
"Humbug!" Lex called out.
'Good old, Nicholas.'
That's a lot of slosh!
I abominate old St. Nick.
His reckless spending makes me sick.
I think St. Nick's a lunatic.
When you say 'Old St. Nicholas',
I say bosh!
"Oh, don't be so cross, Uncle." Alex insisted. "Come, dine with us tomorrow."
"Christmas dinner?" Lex scoffed. "What a revolting, repugnant institution."
"Oh don't you like a juicy Christmas turkey?" Alex asked.
"Detest it." Lex argued.
"Plum pudding with a brandy sauce?" Alex went on.
"Can't digest it." Lex said airily.
"You'll get a mellow feeling for humanity." Alex went on.
"'Humanity?' Insanity!" Lex called out again.
At this, Clark had to hold Chloe back at Lex's pure ire for life.
"You'll enjoy it, Uncle Lex." Alex assured him.
"Humbug!" Lex said once more.
It may be fun for you, but not for me.
I'm not happy on Christmas Day.
I'm never cheerful. I'm never gay.
If you think I could feel that way,
Then you are just as stupid as can be.
Lex then backed Alex back to the door.
If you think I'd be merry,
And chirp like a canary,
Then you are even dumber than a dumb bug!
When you say 'Merry Christmas',
I say fiddlesticks! Poppycock!
And just plain humbug! Humbug!
Humbug, humbug, HUMBUG!
"I pity you, Uncle." Alex said calmly. "Maybe I'll never be as rich as you, but I'll go to my grave still believing in a merry Christmas."
"Good afternoon." Lex said as he opened the door for Alex.
"A wonderful Christmas!" Alex went on.
"Good afternoon!" Lex said a bit more forcefully.
"A magnificent Christmas!" Alex finished.
"GOOD AFTERNOON!" Lex shouted as he kicked Alex out of the house.
()()()()()
Alex picked himself up, brushed himself down and began walking, joining the carolers in song.
An old fashioned Christmas.
With snow falling hard.
On scenery looking like
A pretty Christmas card.
An old fashioned angel,
On top of a tree.
With candlelight dancing down
On friends surrounding me.
Man, that kid is a rock!