Disclaimer: I don't own the rights, sound, or lyrics to Terrible Things, nor the members of Mayday Parade.

Rating: T for sadness and mentions of strippers and death.

(A/N: This is slightly AU, an AU where Castiel didn't come back after the Leviathans ripped him apart. Sorry guys, not a happy fic.)

Dean Winchester sat with his thirteen-year-old son, Bobby, on the peeling leather couch in their two bedroom apartment on the anniversary of Castiel's death. He had lost track of the number of years, since he had usually dropped Bobby off with Sam and then attempted to drown himself in liquor on this day. But he had been avoiding this conversation for so long. Too long. Bobby had started to take an interest in girls, and Dean had to warn him before it was too late.

If only someone had been there to warn me. He thought to himself.

You knew you couldn't have a family. That's why it didn't work with Cassie, Lisa. . . Or Castiel. His subconscious sneered.

If only I had listened.

"You know, Bobby, I used to think the answer to everything was love. My love for Sammy, my love for my parents, it kept me going, ya know? I remember when I fell in love with your Daddy. Everyone I had loved had died, except for Sam. But even that doesn't count because I had watched him die a few times. But Cas? Cas was everything. He gave me a push in the right direction and put me in my place when my mouth got the best of me."

*Flash Back*

Castiel crowded in on Dean, invading his personal space. Dean ignored the way his heart raced and the way Castiel's lips looked pink and soft in the dim yellow lighting of the motel bathroom.

"Dean." Castiel said, studying Dean's features. He had that intrigued look on his face (that Dean did not find adorable) that made Dean feel like he was observing his soul, decoding it like a Rubik's cube.

"What?" Dean snapped, fighting the instinct to melt into a puddle of girl at the way Castiel gruffly stated his name.

"Your vital signs match those of people who claim to be in love, and I can't help but notice it is only when you look at me." He stated bluntly.

*End Flash Back*

"Dad, why are you telling me this?" Bobby asked.

"Because sometimes life doesn't go the way you plan. Sometimes the plans get shredded and thrown away and life leaves you laying in a dirty motel room with the fate of the world on your shoulders and people save."

*Flash Back*

Dean clutches his stomach as his body shakes in laughter, closing the door to the brothel.

"What's so funny?" Castiel asks.

"Oh, nothing. Whoo. It's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. It's been more than a long time. Years."

Dean is mindlessly driving down some stretch of pavement on the road to nowhere, Castiel riding shotgun. It's a little strange to have Castiel in that seat instead of Sam, but somehow. . . It just feels right.

"You okay?" Dean asks timidly.

Castiel doesn't respond. They just discovered God has checked out, might even be dead. Hell, Dean knows better than anyone how hard that is to swallow.

"Look, I'll be the first to tell you that this little crusade of yours is nuts, but I do know a little something about missing fathers."

"What do you mean?" Castiel finally speaks.

"I mean every time I was looking for my dad when all logic said that he was dead, but I knew in my heart he was still alive. Who cares what some ninja turtle says, Cas, what do you believe?"

"I believe he's out there." Castiel replies with confidence.

"Good. Go find him." Dean encourages.

"What about you?"

"What about me? I don't know. Honestly, I'm good. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I am, I'm really good." Dean says, shrugging off Castiel's concern.

"Even without your brother?" Castiel asks doubtfully. He always seemed to know Dean better than anyone, and at this point Dean is starting to believe that little head tilt thing Cas does is peering into his soul.

"Especially without my brother. I mean, I spent so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I've had more fun with you in the past twenty-four hours than I've had with Sam in years, and you're not that much fun. It's funny, you know, I've been so chained to my family, but now that I'm alone, hell, I'm happy."

*Two Years Later*

Dean finally broke. He couldn't take this back and forth bullshit anymore. He leaned into Castiel and kissed his pink lips.

When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against Castiel's. "What do you say we get out of here, huh? Just the two of us? Find a nice place with a picket fence and maybe an adopted baby?"

*Pause in Flash Back*

"Dad. . ." Bobby said, shifting uneasily.

"No! You need to hear this. You need to know how shitty it can get before you dive in too deep. Even when you think it can't get any worse, it can. It always gets worse. And I hope to God, if he's even listening anymore, that you don't have to go through what I went through."

*Continuation of Flash Back*

"Dean. . ." Castiel said gently.

Dean pulled back. He knew that tone. He used it on every person he'd ever cared for, right before he snuck out the back door and hit the road.

"No, wait. I need to show you something." Castiel said, grabbing his wrist. Once he knew Dean wouldn't run, he began unbuttoning his shirt.

At first, Dean was confused, then he was excited. But as he looked on in horror while Leviathans stretched and tore at Castiel's skin, he knew Castiel wouldn't be able to run away with him.

"Cas. . . What have you done?" He said brokenly.

"Listen to me, Dean. I don't know how much longer I have. But I love you. I have since the first stitch I made in repairing your soul. I didn't know it was love at the time, of course. But you taught me free will, and the importance of Humanity. You changed me for the better. And I will always be grateful."

Dean dropped to his knees before Castiel, hugging his legs, only a single tear he allowed to fall.

He knew this would happen, because it always does. So he doesn't allow himself to cry more than he already has. Because he brought this pain upon himself when he fell in love with Castiel, the day this strong willed, brave angel of the lord stormed into his life and crowded his personal space.

*End of Flash Back*

"So listen. You're growing up. I see the way you look at some of these girls. But you gotta take my word for it. It's not worth the risk. I took the risk, and every day I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning I regret it. It's not too late to stop it. You can stop it! Take that chance! The chance to end it before it starts."

Bobby looks visibly shaken, and slightly frightened by what Dean has told him.

"I wish we didn't have to have this conversation. I really do. But life is shitty, man. And you always get dealt a bad hand. Always."