Yup, I guess that I was late with this…so anyway, the second chapter is here and as you're seeing this, it means all the chapters for both the family guy and American Dad fics have been posted. Sometime in the future I'll try to post the American Guy crossover.

Also, in the fic I use "Connie's dad" as a character, even though on the show itself, he's dead. On with it!

[XXXXXXX]

[EXT: The Griffin House]
[INT: The whole Family except for Lois and Meg, is watching T.V]

T.V. Voice: We now return to "Dancing with the Stars"

-(Cutaway to T.V)-
(Three contestants in space suits are experiencing zero gravity in a space shuttle with a host in a tux floating by them)
Contestant: Uh, Mr. Host, are you sure this is safe? I thought the shows name implied that we'd be dancing with celebrities.
Host: Well, you're obviously illiterate, Marsha. Now you're waltz with Betelgeuse…either it goes well and you get to knock either Peter or Tiffany off, or your molecules are superheated into a plasma gas. Good luck.
-(End cutaway to T.V)-

(Lois and Meg come in)
Peter: Hey Lois, where you been?
Lois: Oh my God, Peter back off, it's like you're suffocating me.
Peter: What?
Lois: We were out buying Meg new glasses.
Peter: (Sarcastically) Oh, way to go Lois. Yeah, that's a great use of our taxpayer's money.
Lois: Peter, I'm gonna need you to distract Connie's parents while Meg and I break into her room tonight.
Meg: Actually Mom, I've been having second thoughts about this. I mean, do we have to commit a crime?
Lois: No, no, no, it's ok if you don't wanna do it, sweetie. I understand. It's perfectly OK to be a little bitch.
Meg: Mom!
Lois: Oh, does the little bitch want pity? Does she want some compassion? (Meg starts to cry) Awww, look, the little bitch is crying. That's right, go ahead and cry. Cry and give up. It's what you wanna do right?
Meg: (Angrily) No!
Lois: So, what're you gonna do about it?
Meg: Get Connie!
Lois: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Meg: GET CONNIE! (She runs upstairs)
Brian: …Well, that was good parenting.
Stewie: I for one, conclude that this whole ordeal is doomed to fail, for reasons ranging from Meg's fragile mental status to Lois questionable experience. It's going to go as well as the Fatman's attempt to become a pediatrician.

-(Cutaway)-
(A concerned mother and her little son are in a clinic room with Peter as the doctor examining him)
Peter: (Looking at a chart) Yeah…mm-hmm, yeah… OK, I'm pretty sure that the rash and tummy ache…are an indication of Syphilis.
Mother: …What?
Peter: That'll be $189.95…plus tip.
-(End Cutaway)-

Brian: Yeah, I remember that. Turned out the babysitter gave it to him, right?
Stewie: Awww, c'mon man, did you have to include that? Seriously, there's a reason I didn't put that part in the cutaway!
Lois: So Brian…you in or out?
Brian: OK, am I the only one who thinks that this is bad idea?
Peter: No, Brian, a bad idea would be deciding to air more reality T.V shows, going out with Lindsay Lohan, or giving out more movie roles to that gay looking kid who played Harry Potter. But this is me sticking up for my daughter and solving her problems with possible violence and theft. What could go wrong?
Brian: (Sighs) Fine, I'm in. But if I do this, then I get to lick my junk without you all staring at me disapprovingly.
Peter: Deal. To the Peter-glider! (He runs outside to a hovercraft that has his face on the front. He gets it into the air only for Joe to come out of his house and shoot it down with a bazooka, causing Peter to fall into the yard with his skin scorched) Joe, goddammit, what the hell?!
Joe: Sorry, Peter, I couldn't take that chance.
Peter: You blew up my hovercraft! I paid $300,000 for that, you jerk! I saved that money up for years and I still had to get a freakin loan! What is your problem?!
Joe: Sorry Peter.
Peter: The bank's probably gonna foreclose on my house and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I hope you're happy. (He storms inside his house)

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

[EXT: The D'Amico's residence]
[INT: A van parked nearby the house has Griffin family inside it]

Lois: So Peter, you, Brian and Chris will go and keep them occupied, while Meg and I break into Connie's room. Meg, are you sure that Connie's not at home?
Meg: Yeah. (Sadly) She went for a party that I wasn't invited to.
Stewie: Oh, what was the theme; "being attractive"? Hahahaha-ahhh, you got jacked bitch!
Lois: Peter, you sure that you can do this?
Peter: Come on Lois, we Griffins are amongst some of the most trustworthy people on the planet. Like my ancestor Caesar Griffin.

-(Cutaway)-
(A group of Roman politicians are talking to Caesar Griffin near the temple)
Politician 1: So, Caesar, that's the plan. You'll fight for us cuz we appointed you to, and then you'll come back victorious from war—
Politician 2: Without overthrowing the government and setting yourself up as King.
Politician 3: Yeah that part is imperative. No overthrowy, okay Caesar?
Caesar Griffin: Yeah no problem.
Politician 1: We're serious man! You can't overthrow the government no matter how many awesome movies, history lessons, and documentaries that it would probably lead to in the future.
Politician 2: Yeah, and hurry the hell back man, because I heard that Clarinus is planning that slammin orgy!
Caesar Griffin: Oh yeah, those are great! I'm gonna plan way more orgies when I'm crowned Emperor.
Politician 2: What?
Caesar Griffin: Nothing.
-(End Cutaway)-

(Brian, Peter and Chris are walking up to the D'Amico front porch)
Peter: Hey Lois, can you hear me okay? Is your earpiece working?
Lois: (Over the headphones) Uh huh, I can hear you just fine, sweetie.
Brian: Wow, I gotta say Peter; you really splurged on this breaking and entering thing.
Peter: Well I had to, Brian. And I made sure I bought things that are inconspicuous, like the van, which is custom made.
Brian: "Inconspicuous?" The van says "Peter's breaking and entering vehicle" on the side.
Peter: …So?
Brian: …The slogan underneath it says, "If you see me near your house, then I'm probably breaking into it"
Peter … (Pulls out a remote control, presses a button which makes the van self destruct)
Brian: Was that really necessary?
Peter: I had to destroy the evidence. (Grimly) Now, there never was a van!
Brian: Why'd you even have a self destruct mechanism put in the van?
Peter: How long have you known me, Brian?

(Meg and Lois—who has Stewie in similar get up and strapped to her stomach—are slowly making their way into the upper floor of the house when Meg rattles something)
Lois: (Whispering) Meg, be careful!
Meg: I'm trying!
Stewie: You probably would've been more limber if you hadn't spent the last decade stuffing your face and training for an imaginary Miss Pudgy contest.
(They enter Connie's room and look around a bit)
Lois: Wow, for a popular girl, Connie's room is really a bit empty. No pictures of friends, signs of other peoples stuff…
Meg: That's because she really doesn't have any true friends. People are just sucking up to her cuz she's popular.
Lois: …I was gonna say, "which kind of makes it like your room" and then do the bazinga dance, but yours is a much nicer thing to say, sweetie.

(Peter, Chris and Brian get to the front and ring the doorbell)
Peter: Alright, everyone just act natural (He knocks and Connie's Dad, Mr. D'Amico opens the door) Aaaaahhhhh!
Connie's Dad: Aaaaaahhh!
Peter: Aaaaaahhhh!
Chris: Oh dear God, I think I wet myself!
Connie's Dad: Oh great; Jehovah's Witnesses (Shouting to his wife) Get the shotgun, honey!
Peter: Hey, wait wait wait, we're not Jehovah's Witnesses; we're strangers who want to come into your house with possible malicious intent.
Mr. D'Amico: Well, I don't know what 'malicious' means but it sure sounds noble and good. Y'know, all the things that are the opposite of evil. So, what brings you to my house, Mr.…?
Peter: Griffin. Peter Theodore Griffin. The 'Theodore' is silent.
Brian: Uh, we're here to, uh, talk about your daughter, Connie.
Mr. D'Amico: You are?
(To everyone's surprise, Mrs. D'Amico comes to the door with the shotgun)
Mrs. D'Amico: If you have to shoot them, honey, please don't almost kill them like you did last time.
Chris: I think I'm gonna wet myself again…oh wait, that was number two.

(Meg and Lois are in Connie's room looking at her autographed Britney Spears poster)
Meg: Here it is.
Lois: Huh. I wonder how she got it autographed in the first place.

-(Cutaway)-
(Backstage at a concert, an excited Connie is holding the poster as she walks up to Britney Spears)
Connie: Oh my God, Britney Spears! I absolutely love your music! You are definitely the sexiest woman I know and you were a shoo-in for sexiest man when you shaved your head.
Britney: Thank you.
Connie: Uhh, could you please autograph this poster?
Britney: Sure. But first, you have to do something for me.
Connie: What is it?
(Scene cut to Britney and Connie coming out of a supply closet, putting their shirts back on)
Connie: Okay, umm…wow, that was…new. Can I have the autograph now?
Britney: Yeah, sure (She takes the poster and starts to sign it)
Connie: I gotta admit, that was a strange thing to ask for.
Britney: What? I just asked you to go with me into a supply closet, come out ten seconds later with our shirts off, after which you'd say, "okay, umm…wow, that was…new". What's so strange about that?
Connie: (Dryly) You're right; that's perfectly normal.
-(End Cutaway)-

(Stewie walks over to Connie's bed)
Stewie: If horny teenage boys keep porn under their beds, let's see what happens on the other side of the gender coin. (He reaches under and pulls out a magazine) What the…? "Demure and Gentle Lady Magazine?" I did not see that coming.
(Meg and Lois succeed in taking down the poster)
Lois: Well, that's it. How does it feel, sweetie?
Meg: (Cheerfully) Great, Mom! And it's less stressful than my recurring idea of getting a gun, shooting Connie and her posse then offing myself!
Lois: See? What'd I tell ya?!
(Stewie is walking over to Lois)
Stewie: Hey Lois? I found this thing called a diaphragm and I need permission from you to put it in my mouth since I don't know what it's for and—(He trips, stumbles and lands in Connie's closet) Aaagghhhhhhhh!
Lois: (Quickly goes to the closet)(Worriedly) Oh God, Stewie my baby! Are you okay?!
Stewie: Of course I'm not you crimson haired hag! Someone please help me come out of this closet! (Lois looks behind her to see Brian laughing)
Lois: Brian? What the—how'd you even get here?
Brian: I'm sorry but I could just not miss Stewie's statement! Well, it was actually more of a pun, so—(Lois glares at him)—okay, I'll get outta you're hair. (He leaves)
Lois: Hold on Stewie; Mommy will get you out!
Stewie: Oh God Lois, hurry up! I'm more scared than that time I was caught in an argument between Bruce and the Kool-Aid guy.

-(Cutaway)-
(Stewie is at a dinner party and Bruce and the Kool-Aid guy are staring daggers at each other)
Stewie: Okay, c'mon guys, just-just stop. There's no need for—
Bruce: No! He's wrong! Having it in your name is not the same thing as what happens to us!
Kool Aid guy: Oh yeah!
Bruce: Oh no!
Kool Aid guy: Oh yeah!
Bruce: Oh no!
Kool Aid guy: (Angrily) Oh yeah!
Bruce: (Angrily) Oh no!
Stewie: (Fearfully) Oh God, this could go on forever!
-(End Cutaway)-

(Meg rushes over to where Lois is, by the closet)
Meg: Oh my God, what happened?
Lois: It's Stewie (She takes him out of the closet) Oh my baby; are you alright?
Stewie: (Pouting) No! I saw a scarf in there that I want! So now I'm jealous!
Lois: Thank God you're not hurt. That would've…oh my God, Meg, look!
Meg: Where?
Lois: (Pointing into the closet) Past all the hilarious things that could momentarily distract me from showing you-that! (She shines her torch to reveal a door at the back of closet)
Stewie: Wow. A secret door. Maybe it leads to somewhere special, like Narnia.

-(Cutaway)-
(Two goat legged men are standing in the snowy forests that are in Narnia)
Paul: Y'know, I gotta tell you, Tom—I am so sick of kids walking through their closet doors into Narnia.
Tom: I don't get why you're so mad about them coming here. You know that—
Paul: No no no, it's not the coming to Narnia that I hate; it's the people that keep finding their way here. I mean, why don't porn stars ever stumble into Narnia? Seriously, why doesn't Jenna Jameson ever come here? You telling me she ain't got no closet?
Tom: Wow, you have been pissed about everything the last few days. I gotta ask-does the white Queen declaring war on Aslan have anything to do with it?
Paul: Well, a little. What is her problem anyway?
Tom: Don't have any idea, but get this—I heard from one of my friends that she and Aslan used to go out.
Paul: Get out! Seriously?
Tom: Swear to God, they used to be an item. Apparently that's why she hates him. He broke up with her.
Paul: No wonder why her heart has gone colder than these God-forsaken plains. Speaking of which, why is it always snowing here?
Tom: Honestly, it's like we're living on freakin Hoth, man.
Paul: Heh, totally.
-(End Cutaway)-

(Connie comes back home while her parents are in the living room sitting with Peter, Brian and Chris)
Connie: Mom, Dad, I'm back from… (She sees the Griffins) What's going on?
Mr. D'Amico: Hey honey, come have seat. You know that unpopular girl that you keep saying you wish you could kill? Her family's come to visit!
Connie: Chris, Mr. Griffin, Brian, what're you guys doing here?
Peter: Well, we're certainly not distracting you and your parents while someone breaks into your room.
Mrs. D'Amico: He's been saying stuff like that all night. It just makes me feel so safe and secure.
Mr. D'Amico: But she's right, Mr. Griffin; you haven't told us the real reason why you're here.
Peter: Oh. Well…um…we are here…to-to ask for Connie's hand in marriage to Chris! Yeah, that!
Connie: WHAT!
Mr. D'Amico: Wow, that is surprising. But I've never really cared for my wife's or my daughter's opinion, so I'm just gonna go right ahead and ask Chris if he's sure about this.
Peter: Well, whaddya say, Chris? Would you wike to mawwy Connie? ...I said it in a cute way to allude to the fact that you're still a kid and that this situation is slightly ridiculous.
Chris: Sorry but I already have a girlfriend. We're going out tomorrow night and she's gonna dress up and everything. Speaking on totally unrelated note, do you have a fancy diamond studded glove for my right hand?
Brian: (To himself) Hahaaaaa…masturbation joke.
Mr. D'Amico: Mr. Griffin, your son appears to have changed his mind at the last-
Peter: Oh my God, Meg would quiet down your heavy breathing? It sounds like listening to Matthew Fox's character from Lost having sex!...(He sees that everyone is staring at him)…um, sorry about that. My daughter was breaking radio silence. Please continue.
Connie: …I'm outta here (She starts to go to her room).
Brian: My god, this is more uncomfortable than making out with a cow.

-(Cutaway)-
(A guy is sitting on a couch in apartment with a cow, watching T.V)
Cow: (Seductively) Hey honey, how about we…y'know, make out a bit before I go to work?
Jason: Yeah, about that… You're an amazing girl and all and I love spending time with you, sweetie, but it's just that…well, whenever we kiss, you, uh, keep throwing up in my mouth.
Cow: Yeah, it's my cud, Jason. You know I can't help it.
Jason: Yeah, I know, but it doesn't stop it from being disgusting, so-
Cow: (Angrily) Come on, you act like I don't have to put up with some of the stuff that you do!
Jason: Like what?
Cow: Oh, I don't know, like the fact that you're not a vegetarian?! Huh? And the fact that you might've eaten one of my sisters and… (She starts crying)
Jason: (Defensively) Hey, if I had known that she was in that sloppy joe, I wouldn't have eaten it! And besides, if I clearly remember, you had a bite yourself!
Cow: That's not the point Jason! That's not the point!
-(End Cutaway)-

(Lois, Meg and Stewie are looking at the door in Connie's closet)
Lois: I wonder what's inside? Hopefully something worth more than a Britney Spears poster.
Meg: Like the complete season one DVD of 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta'?
Lois: I said "worth more", Meg. "Worth more."
Stewie: (Amusedly) What if it's a secret lab filled with high tech weapons and gadgetry dedicated to matriarchal tyranny? I mean, you never see one of those? Right? ...Right? (Meg and Lois just stare at him blankly for a long time) (Offended)) You know, if you knew me at all, you'd find that statement to be ironic and its humor wouldn't be lost on you! (To himself) Damn family, not ever reading my MySpace page.
(Suddenly, they hear Peter's voice comes through the earpieces)
Peter: Lois, you guys gotta get out of there! We just left to get Chris some new pants but Connie's coming up!...Oh and, if you happen to go by the supermarket later on, could you pick up some whipped cream? I don't know, I just suddenly got a craving for pie and whipped cream…and lasagna. Could you make lasagna for dinner when we get home? Gee, I hope we still have some pasta for that. Maybe you should pick some up at the store too. Y'know, just in case, even though I'm…I'm pretty sure there should be some at home. I'm like eighty percent sure, but—no, no, y'know what? Just pick some up any way…to be safe… Over.
Lois: (Worriedly) Uh oh, Connie's coming! It's now or never Meg!
(Meg looks on, unsure of herself but then gets grim with determination)
Meg: Let's do this. (Meg opens the door and is shocked to see—that it's a dimly candle lit room with paraphernalia that Connie has amassed that's dedicated to her in some way; some of her old pink hats, pictures of her and tons of other stuff) Oh. My. God.
Stewie: Good Lord, this is the most disturbing room that I've seen since that time that I stayed with the X-Men.

-(Cutaway)-
(Stewie is walking down the Xavier Institute halls with Professor Xavier himself who is in his wheelchair, showing Stewie around)
Xavier: -and there's the danger room, a room that I built to run combat simulations. And that one over there is Cerebra.
Stewie: Oh, what's that one for?
Xavier: It houses a machine that I built which I use to lock onto mutants so I can track them and get a good look at them, using my telepathy to visualize being actually there with them.
Stewie: (Uncomfortably) Oh. So…um, that room that we saw a while back; Peniserebra, is for…?
Xavier: (Nervously) Oh no, no, that's, uh, a filing room.
-(End Cutaway)-

(Lois, Meg and Stewie are all stupefied, looking at the shrine dedicated to Meg when Connie bursts in)
Connie: (Shocked) Oh my God, who the hell are…Meg? Oh no! OH NO! You found it!
Meg: Connie…what-what is this?
Connie: (Sighs) Well, now that you've seen it, I guess there's no hiding or denying it.
Meg: What're you talking about?
Connie: Meg, you've always thought that I hate you and I don't—I've just been afraid of what would happen if I showed you the truth about how I really feel. So, I bottled it up and hid my feelings for you behind my cruelty when the truth is…I love you more than anything in the whole world. I always have.
Meg: Why…why didn't you say anything?
Connie: I was scared. Scared of what you would think of me. Of what others would think. But now that you know, there's no use pretending. All this while I couldn't be with you and now I finally get to say…I love you, Meg Griffin.
Meg: (Confused) I don't…I don't know what to say.
Connie: You don't have to say anything. But I want you to know that this is no joke. This room has been a symbol of my unrequited love that I hoped would one day be free.
Lois: Oh, well, I guess that's not so bad. You don't have a say when it comes to who you fall in love with.
Connie: It's also the room where I keep my season one DVD of 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta'.
Lois: (Angrily) Jesus Christ, what the f%$# is wrong with you?!

[XXXXXXX]

See the twist?! I'm finally back after a long ass hiatus; it's been years, hasn't it? I couldn't afford to even write a teeny bit all this while but hopefully I won't wander off like before. I'm going to try and get all my fics moving once again.