Iris: Hey people, guess who it is!
Artemis: Is there really much point in asking that? After all, our names are at the side and the top of the page.
Iris: Fair point.
Artemis: As promised, Chapter Two has arrived!
Iris: Yay! Before anyone asks, no, Santa didn't bring us Yu-gi-oh, or coal, suprisingly. So, no, we don't own Yu-gi-oh nor the Abridged Series, They belong to Kazuki Takahashi and Little Kuriboh respectively. We merely own the plot.
Artemis: And some awesome Christmas presents.
A(s)N: (Anything in italics and brackets, like this is additional. Putting them in made the story funnier, but not having them makes it flow better. Your choice, flow or humour. I know which one I'd pick...)
Furthermore, encase you haven't guessed yet, the Yami's have their own bodies.
Another AN/s: We don't in fact have anything against the gay community, we just think that Marik would... After all, have you seen how much puzzleshipping oneshots Iris has read??? Or check Artemis's separate profile. :P
*****
"Izishu," Marik said slowly, watching the sea waves as the boat skimmed over them, "Why exactly are we going to Domino?"
"Because shut up."
Marik decided to try a different approach. "Odion, I command you to tell me why the hell we're going to Domino again."
Odion shook his head slowly. It was Marik's idea after all.
"It's the biggest city nearby, Master Marik." Odion replied. Inwardly, his temper flared. It was the sixth time Marik had asked that question in the last hour.
"But that's where the Pharaoh's at. Why are we going anywhere near him?"
"Because, Marik, shut up."
"But why...?"
"They're the only people who know you actually exist and they might be able to help you. Now Marik," Ishizu smiled dangerously, "ask that question again and so help me, I will take that Sennen Rod of yours and stuff it so far up your backside so that the only thing you'll be able to send to the Shadow Realm will be tapeworms."
Izishu had always been one for creative threats.
Odion groaned almost silently. That was always closely followed with... 3, 2, 1...
"Odion, are we there yet?"
"No." If Odion's eyes had rolled any more, they would have got stuck.
"How much longer am I going to have to sit in this sorry excuse for a boat staring at nothing but bloody water?"
Odion glanced at the navigation screen. "Four hours, Master Marik." Damn it! How on earth was Odion supposed to stand another four hours of questioning? He'd been through two already and he was ready to push Marik overboard just to get him to shut up. He loved his little adopted brother, but by the gods there was a limit.
*****
Once in Domino, Marik realised that he didn't actually have a plan as to how to find the Steves he was looking for. So far, he'd been searching for over two hours and all he'd gotten was some very funny looks, a slap from some middle-aged lady (Marik thought this was quite unfair, after all, he'd only asked if she was called Steve. When he complained about it, Izishu merely shook her head, sighed, and slapped him again saying, "Now both sides of your face match"), a telling off from the police (How was he supposed to know that it was a woman's toilet? The sign on the door was incredibly misleading. To him it looked like a picture of someone wearing a robe. How was he supposed to know it was a dress?) and a phone number from a guy Marik didn't like the look of.
Finally, giving into temptation, Marik demanded that Odion bring him the number of 'that baka-Pharaoh and his runt of a hikari.'
"Why?" Odion smiled slightly, knowing Marik would never want to admit that he needed help.
"Because I want to invite them round for tea." Marik said sarcastically, "Why the hell do you think, binky boy?"
*****
"Hey Yugi." Over the phone, Marik sounded completely different. Apparently the Pharaoh didn't have his own phone line yet. That went to prove just how baka he was.
"Marik?!" It sounded as if Yugi was in the middle of a concert, or a fight, or something similar.
"If you're in the middle of something, I'll just call you back later." Please say you're busy, please say you're busy .Marik prayed to every god he believed in, and several he didn't.
"We're at school." Yugi replied, "Of course I'm not. We're trying to teach Tristan how to duel." Yugi's voice lowered conspirtually, "Joey finally has someone he can beat."
" Gods, he must suck."
"Basic idea. So Marik, please, please tell me you have some vaguely evil plan to take over the world and you need me and Yami there to stop you."
Even Marik couldn't resist the pleading tone in Yugi's voice. "Sweet Ra! Is he really that bad?"
Yugi didn't bother replying. Instead, he held out the phone towards the table the 'duel' was going on at.
"I activate the spell card, Summon Barney."
"Honda, you can't make up your own spell cards." Anzu tried to explain calmly. Jou had lost his patience earlier.
"Why not?"
"Because that's Pegsaus' job! And this looks more like you than Barney anyway."
"Tea, I don't know how you can see anything in the scribble." Ryou interjected.
"Shut up, you albino cream puff" (Sorry, couldn't resist. Much as I love Ryou, I also love that insult.)
"See?" Yugi asked, bringing the phone back to his ear.
"Right," Marik said slowly, wondering why the runt would hang out with that bunch of complete idiots. He lived in a hole in the ground and even he could duel. "Is that kisame of a Pharaoh there?"
"Yeah," Marik nearly dropped the phone when Yami replied, "and don't think I didn't hear that."
"Okay Pharaoh, keep your damn crown on." Marik backtracked, "Oh sorry, you can't, you don't have one anymore."
"Tomb Keeper, I'm going to take that Sennen Rod of yours and shove it sooo far..."
Yugi took the mobile off him again before he could finish that threat.
"Yami, calm down." Yugi covered the speaker on the phone, an odd tone in his voice
"Sorry, aibou."
"Marik, what do you need?" Yugi asked quickly before Yami mind crushed the nearest sentient being.
"Both of you need to listen..."
*****
"So, why are we helping you again?"
Yami had to raise his voice over the sounds of the busy street.
"Because..." Marik quickly tried to think of an answer, "if you don't, the show's ratings will drop and they'll give your screen-time to Bakura and Ryou."
Yami and Yugi glanced at each other. They'd reached the same conclusion within spilt seconds of each other.
"We'll do it." they said simultaneously.
Marik decided to try and figure out which way around the map went.
"Besides, mou hitori no boko," Yugi quietly to his doppelganger, "you still owe him for blowing up his not-so-secret base."
"Shh..." Yami placed a finger on Yugi's lips "What he doesn't know can't hurt him." Yami replied, equally quietly and glad for the opportunity to get closer to Yugi. "Well, not much."
"Didn't you guys bring Anzu?" he asked, surprised to see that the Pharaoh's little cheerleader wasn't with them, "She's supposed to be good at this whole 'meeting new people' thing."
"Oh, we ditched her at the first DDR machine we came across." Yami shrugged, "Did you really want to listen to friendship speeches all day?"
"Where was it?"
"No idea."
*****
Deciding to retrace their steps, Marik, Yami and Yugi followed the route they'd taken. It wasn't long before they came across Anzu, in the middle of a brawl. Apparently bikers don't like friendship rants and incessant cheering...
Yugi poked his head from behind the wall they'd taken refuge behind. Yami and Marik followed suit.
The heads where hastily withdrawn as a rather large 5 inch dagger thudded into the wall, barely 3 centimetres from the space Yugi's head had previously occupied. Yami physically pulled his aibou off the ground and flipped him before slamming him into the wall again.
"Sorry" he murmured apologetically, catching his breath and assessing the damage he'd caused.
"Hey!" Marik complained, "Why didn't you pull me back?!"
He was promptly ignored. "Are you sure you're alright?"
"Of course, mou hitori no boku. It's just a bump." Yugi rubbed at the spot on the back of his head with a bright smile.
"But still..."
Marik noted Yami's protective stance. His mind recalled how Yami had practically caught the midget when he stumbled earlier in the street, how the pair seemed to be getting constantly closer as the day moved on. How Yami seemed to treat his hikari like he was made of porcelain, almost as if Yugi was a child, or even a...
Realisation dawned... slowly... very slowly.
"Ewh..." Marik's voice cut through Yami's fussing. "If you've gotta be a fag, don't make it so bloody obvious."
Marik continued yapping, providing an unwanted commentary on the brawl. "Now they're trying to gouge her eyes out." Yugi winced and buried his head in Yami's arm.
Yami made a quick mental note to send Marik to the Shadow Realm as soon as Yugi couldn't see.
"Well," Marik continued, oblivious to Yami's plans, "we don't need that Disney-obsessed, friendship loving, whore-gestive of a stalker. We can do this on our own, right?"
The response was less than enthusiastic. That is, if you could call it a response at all. Amethyst eyes met ruby, drawing closer, and closer. Yugi reached up and draped his arms around Yami's neck as Yami's hands found their way to the younger's waist. Yugi pulled the taller downwards and tilted his head to the side, his eyes half-closed. Their lips mere millimetres apart...
Marik pushed the pair apart rather quickly. "Steves first," he stated, "gay-boy, puke worthy making out later."
Yami shot the other Egyptian a death glare. Perhaps Yugi wouldn't have to be out of sight after all, Maybe a blindfold would do.
Yami recalled the last time he sent someone to the Shadow Realm. It was two weeks ago, a guy two years above Yugi in Domino High who had been looking at his aibou in entirely the wrong way. Ra, that guy could scream.
Yami glanced back at Yugi again.
Maybe a pair of earplugs too...
*****
"Yugi..." Marik started, staring at the new object, "I think I speak for me and the Pharaoh here when I ask 'What the hell is that?' I mean, is it some kind of weapon? I imagine you could certainly split quite a few skulls with it, and dropped from a height..."
Yugi heaved a sigh. Why he and Yami had agreed to this was beyond him. He thought back to Honda's duelling 'skills' and shuddered internally. That was why.
"This is what's known as a phonebook ." The 3 inch book lay on the kitchen table of the Game shop. Thankfully, Grandpa had gone over to Duke's store, so they had the house to themselves. Marik's face was a picture of confusion and Yami's didn't look much better. "This book has the name and address of almost everyone in Domino."
Marik tried to pick the book up and found it to be surprisingly difficult. "It's heavy!" he exclaimed. How the hell did the shrimp make it look so easy?
"There are a lot of people in Domino, Tomb Keeper." Yami replied, feeling rather superior to the other, rather backward, Egyptian.
"But this many?" Marik opened the 'phonebook', "Geez, the writings tiny."
Something about the Tomb Keeper got on Yami's nerves in a way no-one else could. The man made his skin tingle, and certainly not in a good way. Not the way a certain tri-coloured, star-haired...
"Yes this many."
"Can't we go and kill some?" Marik whined, "That way, there'd be a lot less of them."
"Marik!" Yami's temper flared, "Do you want aibou's help or not?"
"Did you just call you hikari 'aibou'?" Marik smirked, "Awh, Pharaoh, I didn't know you where such a touchy-feely, sentimental..."
Yugi's eyes widened, alarm bells ringing in his head. "Marik, you really should stop now," he warned. Needless to say, the blonde-haired maniac didn't hear him. Marik was too busy describing the former spirit of the Sennen Puzzle as colourfully as his vocabulary would allow.
"... poofter. I didn't think you'd bat for the other team, Your Oh-So-Mightily-Camp Pharoahness, but I guess I should have figured with all that S + M gear you dress yourself in. Are you the seme or..."
"Marik," Yami said slowly, his voice sounding oddly curious while picking up a knife Yugi had carelessly left lying nearby after cutting cake for the three of them earlier. "How do you think your intestines would look as streamers?"
Yugi was already on his feet. After disarming Yami and placing the knife somewhere Marik couldn't easily get at, Yugi pushed his darker half out of the kitchen door, into the hallway and closed the door, ramming a chair in under the handlebar. After a few seconds thought, he locked the back door as well. He wouldn't put it past his Yami to run the full way around the block and the last thing he needed was someone messing up the floor again. He'd only just got it clean after Jou and Honda's 'food-fight' closely followed by Bakura's visit last week. Like hell was he going to clean it again.
Five minutes past quickly, in which Yugi taught Marik how to use a phonebook, and later, after a minor incident involving the Sennen Rod and a telecommunications operator, a telephone as well.
It all seemed to be going rather well until a call came from the living room.
"Yugi..." Yami didn't sound confident and collected as normal, "Are there supposed to be small, white stars when you turned the TV on?"
"That's when you change the channel, Yami."
"Even if they're landing on the sofa?"
Yugi swore explosively. Marik's jaw dropped. The runt could swear? What was next, the Pharaoh robbing a bank?
"Damn it! Marik, I'm going to have to leave you alone here. Do you think you've got the hang of it?"
"Of course". Marik gave the Pharaoh's hikari the sweetest smile he could muster, and failed miserably.
"Good. Now I'm gonna have to find some kind of way to stop this house from going up in flames." Yugi quickly found a jug, filled it with water and hurried out of the room. After cursing at the door and kicking the chair out of the road.
"Right..." Marik said, quickly flipping open the page on the phonebook.
*****
Marik stared at the paper... then stared some more. He sighed, turning his attention to the window, then let his gaze drift back to the book. Then, there was a lightbulb.
In a single, illuminating flash, Marik discovered the tiny, practically insignificant flaw with Yugi's masterplan.
Very simply, Marik couldn't read Japanese. Especially these weird little symbols.
"Yugi!" Marik shouted into the Living room. "We have a bit of a problem! How the hell am I supposed to read this chicken-scratch?!"
Marik received no reply, so he tried again in a much more colourful way. At least if Yugi didn't hear him, that Pharaoh-baka would and possible come in to pulverise him. Then he would have a good excuse to blow something up.
Once again, there wasn't a reply, and no angry tri-coloured faggot coming to wipe him off the face of the Earth. Marik decided to investigate matters further.
Slamming the phonebook shut, Marik stamped over to the door and flung it open before marching into the living room.
"OH MY DEAR SWEET HOLY RA!" Marik stopped dead in the doorway before beating a hasty retreat back into the relatively safe confines of the kitchen. Marik rapidly searched through the cupboards for bleach. Yugi came into the room, looking more than slightly dishevelled.
"Marik, what are you doing?"
Marik put his hands over his eyes. "Are you actually wearing clothes now?" he asked, sounding terrified.
Yami's deep voice sounded across the room as it's owner leaned, half-dressed, against the doorframe. "What's this? Shadow Games aren't a problem, sending souls to the Shadow Realm don't bother you in the slightest, but one little..."
"La la la la la la la!" Marik covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut again.
"Well, you asked if I was the seme, now you know. Don't let it ever be said that I don't enlighten those around me."
"I DIDN'T WANT TO BLOODY WELL KNOW! STUFF YOUR FUCKING ENLIGHTENMENT! IF YOU CAN'T STAY OUT OF YOUR DAMN HIKARI LONG ENOUGH TO LET HIM HELP WELL..."
Yami smirked, "well..."
Marik breathed deeply, "At least get a fucking room."
"We had one until you came bursting in." Yugi interrupted. Yami's features lit with a cruel smile.
"So aibou, where were we?" The predatory gleam in Yami's eyes was enough to send shivers down his hikari's spine. Marik seemed rooted to the spot.
"Do you want to watch?" Yami offered.
"I'm going!!!" Marik shouted, running through the back door. He predicted he'd need several years of therapy to get rid of those mental images.
In summary, option one = a massive FAIL.
*****
(Iris: Guess what peoples??? It's Artemis' birthday. *starts singing as coloured paper falls* Thanks to everyone who reviewed. We hope this doesn't disappoint you guys.
Artemis: *looking around* You set this up?
Iris: Yup
Artemis: You can't even organise to get your homework in on time.
Iris: *hastily pays people behind her back and ushers them out of the room* I know. Strange, isn't it?)
In response to the question from Eri-chan, no, LK hasn't done an episode where Marik runs out of Steves, but hey, wouldn't it be funny if he did? :D