Part II
"I'm
sorry that I was so bitchy earlier," Sarah admitted soft-spoken. It
took her a lot of effort not to turn her head and nuzzle the
terminator's neck. Cameron smelled so inviting.
This was bittersweet torture and Sarah decided that it was okay to enjoy it a little bit longer.
Sarah realized that she'd apologized to the terminator for the first time. It had never occurred to her before to make an excuse to Cameron, because she didn't believe that it would make a difference to the terminator whether she said sorry or not. Sarah had thought that she didn't owe it to her, to a bucket of bolts and she hardly apologized to anyone in general.
But their previous conversation, Cameron's explanation of how she was able to feel, didn't let it seem like a waste of words and the intention in which Sarah had said them was honestly.
"You always react… bitchy when you feel intimidated by me," replied Cameron and shared her observation with Sarah unconcerned, lacking the ability to sense when it might be better to keep her thoughts to herself.
It wasn't the response Sarah had hoped for. Anger flared up inside of her immediately, her hands lost their grip on the girl and she instinctively backed off one step, crossing her arms across her chest in a protective manner.
"I'm not intimidated by you," Sarah told her consequentially and snorted amused to show that it was totally far-fetched, the mere thought of it ridiculous. "Why should I be? I know what you are and I'm aware of the fact that you can go off at any time, but I'm not scared of you. I won't let you scare me."
And that was the point. She wasn't scared when she should be scared or at least be very cautious. Sarah always pretended to be skeptic and acted like she didn't trust Cameron in front of the others, but it was just that, an act.
The girl's statement had a grain of truth and this was what actually disturbed her. Only the reasons, why she was daunted by her, were probably different to what Cameron was thinking. Likely Cameron assumed that she was intimidated by the metal under her skin, which wasn't the case at all.
Her life was such a mess, the prospect of normalcy as far away as the end of the galaxy.
Cameron reacted almost instantly to the loss of Sarah's touch. She turned around, her head tilted to the side and her eyes searching her face curiously. If Sarah didn't know it better, she would say that the terminator was pouting, her bottom lip pushed forward and a sad shadow clouding her eyes. Cameron was fighting with unfair weapons, but Sarah didn't want to give in so easily. She was right for being mad at Cameron.
So they just stood there, staring at each other. One was fuming and the other one confused.
"You've misunderstood me. It's my fault, I didn't make myself clear enough," Cameron said in an apologetic tone. "You're not intimidated by me, you're intimidated by the physical reactions I provoke in you." The girl looked at her expectantly and innocent, thinking that rephrasing her words would make it better. When Sarah didn't respond instantly she added: "That's why you yell at me at every opportunity."
"What the hell…?" was all Sarah could mumble, disbelieving, retreating with another step as Cameron made one in her direction, trying to resume the body contact. She couldn't have the girl too close right now; it would make her anger evaporate quickly.
Cameron knew. She could see right through her.
The realization hit Sarah like a punch in the stomach and she felt the colour drain from her face. It made her speechless and she hated the fact that she didn't have had a smart, sarcastic reply. Instead, she stared at the terminator wide-eyed, her mouth slightly hanging open in shock. The only reaction she could think of was to shout, "That's bullshit! You're out of your fucking mind!" and stalk away.
It would have been a typical reaction for her and she could feel the urge to just do so pulling at her, but it also would have proved that Cameron was right with the interpretation of her behaviour and probably mostly of her biochemical signals. It was an impasse. Whatever she did, leaving and sulk or staying and talk, would reveal what all of their interactions and conversations, how she treated her, truly meant.
It was Sarah's secret code and Cameron was never supposed to figure it out.
"If you mean, that you agitate and annoy me, that you cause my blood pressure to rise in fury, then you're damn right," Sarah finally responded through gritted teeth, holding eye contact with the girl even though it made it difficult to stay mad and to try to wiggle herself out of the situation like that. For a second it crossed her mind, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she just told Cameron everything.
To Sarah's surprise the girl didn't disagree and corrected her, but she thought that she could see it in the terminator's eyes that she was considering it for several moments.
They both knew that Sarah was prevaricating, denying the truth behind Cameron's statement, but this was not the night she would tell her and admit it to the girl. It might happen at some point in the future; she had already accepted the reality of it to herself and had enjoyed it in a sensual dream. It also might never happen at all.
Why did it all have to be so difficult?
"I understand," said the terminator, nodding once in agreement. "It was an inappropriate remark."
"Yes, it was," agreed Sarah, who was still exasperated a little. Now that she had made it clear that she was the one in charge and that it was her who set the pace, she could already feel the anger lifting. She was slowly relaxing again.
"I've upset you. I don't want you to be upset because of me. I want…" Cameron continued, but was cut off by Sarah, who pointed a warning finger at her.
"Don't. Just don't. Please," she simply said and hoped that the girl wouldn't speak out loud whatever it was she wanted. Everything was already too complicated, even overwhelming sometimes. Sarah didn't need another straightforward comment that would probably throw her off balance once more. It was hard enough to deal with the things she wanted, but couldn't allow herself to have.
"Can we now resume to our previous activity?" Cameron asked, sounding unsure and careful, afraid to tick Sarah off again, her eyes shimmering hopeful. "We were hugging," she explained as Sarah arched an eyebrow, currently not getting what the terminator was referring to.
Amusement was tugging at the corners of Sarah's lips as she tried not to grin. It was fascinating how persistent Cameron could be and how she never lost track of things. It was also interesting how easy she could forgive Cameron, knowing that the girl didn't intend to be rude, and that she could let go of her anger so quickly. She simply needed to push the terminator away occasionally, when it got too emotional and too alluring, otherwise she would jettison all her concerns and give in her longings.
"And we were also arguing just a second ago," Sarah reminded her, her heart melting without wanting it to. It was actually rather sweet that Cameron wanted to continue their hug.
"But I'm not comforted yet," Cameron objected, obviously not ready to give up that easily too.
"I thought you don't need a person or a thing that brings ease?" Sarah asked in return, repeating the terminator's exact words, the timid smile constantly growing.
The terminator looked at her puzzled, not understanding what the reason was for the preceding improvement of the other woman's mood, but definitely wasn't going to complain about it. She was of the opinion that Sarah Connor couldn't be more beautiful as when she was smiling. Cameron decided that the emotion, which was triggered somewhere deep inside her, was satisfaction. She was pleased that she seemed to be the cause of Sarah's smile and she made it her goal to try to excite it as often as possible.
"People hug each other after a confrontation. It's a normal social behaviour. It shows that the argument is settled and that all is forgiven," The terminator continued to plea her case, ignoring Sarah's question. "Or people have making up sex, that would also be a possibility and it's supposed to be the best kind of sex one could have."
Cameron's gaze was resolute, totally serious. At first Sarah was baffled, and then it brought tears of laughter to her eyes as she bit down on her lip to hold herself back from laughing out loud. It was really hard not to burst into broad laughter, especially because of Cameron's obviously unawareness that it might be weird to offer Sarah to have making up sex.
"Did I say something funny?" The terminator wanted to know with furrowed brows, tilting her head from side to side as if this would help her to understand the other woman's reaction.
"It's just that… well, it's nothing. Forget it," Sarah told her, wiping away the tears of joy she was about to spill. She didn't want to have to talk about Cameron's suggestion of having sex. It would lead to Cameron asking more questions and her stumbling over her words, searching awkwardly for a loophole. "Let's settle it with a hug… this time," she said winking, bringing a smile to the girl's lips.
Sarah opened her arms, showing that she indeed had forgiven Cameron for her comment and that she was ready to move on. These weren't the only reasons, she wished she could be so selfless, but she was yearning the feeling of Cameron's body. She needed to hold her again if only briefly.
"Sweet," the terminator said using one of the words she had saved under the category of teenage slang. Cameron stepped into the circle of Sarah's arms, pressing her body softly against her and letting the other woman engulf her in a hug. She brought her own arms around Sarah's waist, pulling her as close as possible. Her perfect hearing allowed her to pick up a small sigh of contentment from the other woman when they made contact and the final giggles had subsided.
Once more they fell into a comfortable silence, eyes closed and with their breathing shallow.
Bit by bit Sarah molded further into the terminator. Her hands were stroking over Cameron's back in a constant rhythm and her head dropped automatically back onto her shoulder.
"That's… nice," Cameron whispered as if she could break the spell of the moment by speaking any louder. It was true that she wasn't programmed to need anyone or anything to comfort her; it would be ridiculous for a terminator, and nevertheless she wanted to touch Sarah. If it was due to a hidden subroutine or not didn't matter, it didn't change the fact that being close to her filled something inside Cameron she couldn't quite describe.
"Yeah, it is," Sarah agreed, still snuggling a little bit closer and inhaling deeply. The girl was flooding her senses, the warmth surrounding her made her feel like the outside world didn't exist. It was a nice change and exactly what she needed. The impression that she was falling apart, breaking into pieces, faded into nothingness, because Cameron's strong arms around her held her together. "Can I ask you something?"
Cameron didn't reply right away, like she usually did. It was something Sarah had noticed more and more often during the last couple of weeks. Sometimes she even had the impression that the terminator was daydreaming, staring at the table top or out of a window without actually seeing anything.
"Yes," The girl finally answered, gripping the hem of Sarah's shirt in a possessive way. She wanted her to stay and not to start fighting again.
"Why weren't you in the mood to watch TV?" Sarah had to keep talking; it didn't really matter what they were talking about as long as she had something to focus her mind on, before she got too lost in touching Cameron and the feeling of her soft curves pushed against her. When she had felt Cameron grabbing her shirt, her pulse had quickened and not because of fear.
"Because I was processing and I didn't want to divide my processing capacity by an additional task."
"About what were you processing?" Sarah wanted to know, truly interested what the terminator was thinking about when she had come into the living room. She expected that it had been something like fighting strategies, learning from previous fights with other terminators to be better prepared for the next one.
"You," Came another direct reply. Cameron felt her stiffen, so she strengthened her grip. "I want to understand you. It is not easy to always make sense out of your actions, they're contradictory. You shout at me and say mean things, but your bioelectric signals are leading to a different conclusion. I was processing the errors I must have done to make you perform opposing so that I won't do them another time." She paused. "Please don't get mad at me again."
It took Sarah some effort to stay calm and not to tell Cameron once more that she was misinterpreting her. They already had had this conversation merely minutes ago; they both didn't need a rerun.
"I've asked you and you answered my question." Sarah squeezed the girl reassuringly. "I'm not mad. It's okay." And it was. She felt bad, because Cameron was blaming herself for the way Sarah treated her, when it was all her own fault.
More minutes passed and none of them spoke, only the faint rustling of clothes could be heard, when Sarah continued to rub the girl's back. Her thoughts were going round in circles, her emotions conflicted and raw. She had no idea where they were standing now. Though it was clearly what she should do. It would be the right decision to end the hug, to go back to her room and to never let Cameron come this close again. What she really wanted to do was to act consistent with her feeling for once, to show the terminator what these bioelectric signals implied and that the girl didn't do anything wrong. She had to let her know.
"I can't change the way I behave," Sarah said after a while in a low voice. "Especially when John and Derek are around. They can never find out." She had no strength left to resist any longer and finally gave in the craving, slowly turning her head so that her lips barely grazed the soft skin of Cameron's neck. "But I can't change the way I feel either."
Cameron held completely still, trying to sort out the data her sensors gathered. Like the exact pressure of Sarah's lips against her neck, the increasing heart rate of the other woman and the hands on her back, slipping under her shirt, touching bare skin. This was really happening; it wasn't one of her reveries, where she had pictured a situation like this countless times before. Her systems felt like overloading at any second, not able to comprehend what Sarah was stirring inside of her with these light touches.
"I won't tell anyone, it will be our secret," The terminator promised, turning a little to whisper into Sarah's ear. Her sensors picked up that the other woman was trembling somewhat and that she had goose bumps. "Are you cold?"
"No, I'm definitely not." Sarah grinned when she pressed her lips more firmly against Cameron's neck and felt the girl's pulse speed up. She had never thought that it was possible and had suspected that the fake and unnecessary pulse of a terminator would always be the same. It delighted her more than she would admit it, encouraging her to explore it further.
"Tell me what you feel." Sarah started to nibble at her pulse point, brushing her fingertips along the waistband of Cameron's shorts at the same time. "How does it feel, when I do this?" Too weak to withstand, she let the tip of her tongue sweep over the girl's skin, before she sucked it briefly between her lips. When she heard Cameron taking in a sharp breath, tingles settled in Sarah's lower abdomen. She had to end this soon, otherwise her desire would take over, leaving every rational thought behind and making the erotic dream, from which she had woken up, come true.
"My body reacts to sexual stimulation similar to any human female body," Cameron answered, still not daring to move. She wanted to do the same to Sarah, to mimic the more skilled woman's actions, but feared that it would freak out the raven haired woman and make her stop completely.
"That wasn't my question. You're evading." Sarah enjoyed it to accuse the terminator of avoiding answering her, because Cameron had imputed it to her almost on a regular basis, when they were talking. "I want to know what it feels like for you when I touch you." She brought one of her hands between them, slipping her thumb under the waistband of Cameron's shorts and stroking along her hip bone. Out of the corner of her eye Sarah could see that the girl's lips were slightly parted, her eyes blinking and her breathing short. It was intoxicating to watch Cameron's reactions.
"It is… very pleasant. I feel warm, my heart beat is erratic and I can't process about anything else except you and what you do," The girl said, sounding surprised. She was used to multitasking on many different levels, running several programs at the same time, but now it seemed impossible to focus on anything else. "I'm aroused," She concluded.
Sarah's eyes fluttered closed and a tremor ran through her body, feeling her own arousal prickling between her legs. This was too much for her; she couldn't stand it any longer without crossing the line for good. She had already gone too far and was sure that she would regret it tomorrow.
"Cameron." She had never said the terminator's name like that, with a need and a tenderness that amazed and shocked her. "This shouldn't go any further. I can't. Not right now." It wasn't easy to detach her lips from Cameron's neck and to lift her head so that she could make eye contact. Sarah took her face in between her hands, hoping that the gesture would prove to the girl that they were still good, that she wasn't going to push her away. "It's going too fast. I need a little more time." She kissed the girl on the cheek, lingered there shortly and saying: "I'm sorry."
"I understand. You need time to accommodate. I will wait," Cameron assured her. "You make me feel weird, amazing, new things. It will be worth to wait for a continuation and investigate it in more detail." She knew that it would make no sense to compel Sarah, when she wanted to stop it had to, even though it disappointed her.
The statement made Sarah's imagination running wild. She could quite picture the scene where she would explore the effects she was able to provoke in the girl more closely. Suddenly her mouth felt very dry and she had to gulp. And was there an amused twinkle in Cameron's eyes? Had she said it with the knowledge what it would stir in her? Obviously there was a lot more to learn about the terminator. Ever since she found out that Cameron was capable of having feelings and just didn't know how and when to show them, it seemed easier to interpret the girl's expressions. She stopped asking herself constantly whether she was just imagining things, because now she was certain that they were there.
"Okay," Agreed Sarah, the only thing she was able to do in her current slightly fuzzy state. Unwillingly, she broke the contact. Cameron made no resistance and so she finally let go of her.
Sarah had almost reached the door when she turned around and practically ran back to the terminator, crushing their bodies together once more and pressing her lips firmly against Cameron's. She buried her fingers in the long curls of the girl's hair and kissed her hungrily. As Cameron responded with enthusiasm and even deepened the kiss by slipping her tongue into Sarah's mouth, she couldn't suppress a moan.
But as suddenly as the kiss had started, it ended. Sarah forced herself to stop it and pushed Cameron softly away.
"Good night," She breathed heavily, her mind felt enjoyable hazy. The confusion was obvious on the girl's face, but Sarah hoped that she wouldn't ask her why she had kissed her. Sarah didn't know the answer; she had even surprised herself and had acted only on impulse. Consequences be damned.
"Good night, Sarah," Cameron replied hesitantly, trying to process what just had happened. "This was unexpected."
"Yeah, even for me." Sarah smiled, embarrassed by her actions. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Cameron watched her leave. She had wanted to ask her why she had kissed her so suddenly, she had wanted to know whether they would kiss again and if yes, then when. Hopefully very soon. Sensing that Sarah wasn't ready to answer such questions or to even start to think about it, Cameron left it at that, getting better at interpreting the other woman.
Ten minutes later the terminator was still standing at the same spot in the living room, a small part of her hoping that Sarah would return.
Twenty minutes later, all of Sarah's bioelectric signals indicated that she was asleep after an outburst that made her body shake, her body temperature rose and her pulse was alarmingly high. Cameron thought that the other woman might be damaged and needed help, but when she arrived at Sarah's door all of her systems were functioning normal again. After several skeptical checks, the terminator went back to the living room and resumed her usual position at the window, spending only one third of her processing capacity on surveillance. The rest of it was busy with images and emotions, which had nothing to do with the mission.
When Sarah woke up the next morning she wondered at first whether it all had been a dream, but then she realized that it really did take place. She closed her eyes and let the pictures of last night wash over her. The tingles were back instantly when she was thinking about the kiss. She waited patiently for the regret to settle in, for the acknowledgement that she had made a terrible mistake. Nothing happened. She had been worried and been in doubts about it long enough. After all she deserved a little bit of happiness. Or at least be as close as possible to being happy and if Cameron was the cause of it, she wouldn't object it any longer. So Sarah couldn't find herself feeling guilty for what she had done. Instead she allowed her thoughts drifting to the prospect of exploring Cameron's reactions and feelings when she would touch her the next time, a constantly growing smile on her lips. This was going to be fun.
THE END