A/N: Chapter two! And don't mind the hookers, they like to sneak their way into my stories.
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."-The Man in Black
"…and she has a child already." Iroh hung his head.
"Well," Bumi slurred, "If she didn't want the responsibilities that go with being the Fire Lord's wife, you need to respect that."
"I know, I know," Iroh muttered, "I just…it hurts. I feel like a failure."
"I know rejection hurts," Bumi said as he refilled both their glasses with rum, "But life hurts sometimes. It grabs you by the nay-nays and reminds you that you're alive!"
A bewildered look passed Iroh's face, and he looked over at Bumi to make sure what he just heard wasn't the rum. The old man just grinned, then continued, "You know, this reminds me of one of my past conquests. I loved a woman as hot as the sun, as cunning as a wolf tiger, and as slippery as an elephant koi."
"Can I ask what happened?" Iroh asked as he took a sip of rum.
"She died…" Bumi said nonchalantly.
"Oh," Iroh said, looking into his drink. "I'm sorry."
"Well, she was older than me." Bumi paused while he drained his drink, then said cheerily, "Which just proves you're never too old to start again! Look at me, I'm 76 and on the prowl."
"Then why are you traveling with that jackass?" Iroh asked bitterly.
"Now that you mention it, he's probably gotten himself into trouble," Bumi said, staggering to his feet, "I better go get him."
"I should come with you," Iroh said, getting up.
"Why?" Bumi raised an eyebrow.
"I don't want you Earth Bending into a tree." Iroh smiled.
"Oh, right." Bumi laughed, then started for the door, "Let's go, I know exactly where to find him."
"Where would that be?" Iroh asked.
"Where men like him go when they have a broken heart," Bumi grinned as they lurched into the street, "The cheapest brothel in town."
"Broken heart?" Iroh questioned, "And he was harassing me?"
"Like I said," Bumi shrugged, "He's an angry, bitter old man."
Once they arrived at the nearest brothel, Bumi barged through the door and went straight to the empty front desk. Bumi rang the desk-bell continuously until a disheveled woman came out from behind the curtain. Despite Bumi's behavior, she smiled warmly.
"What can I do for you gentlemen?"
"Hello," Bumi said, "I'm looking for my friend...yay high, unapologetic scowl, wreaks of cheap booze."
She palmed her face and sighed, "Him. Get him out of here before another one of my girls quits. Last time I saw him, he was upstairs, third door on the left." She disappeared behind the curtain again as the duo headed upstairs.
When they reached their destination, Bumi lifted his leg to kick the door in, but Iroh stopped him.
"Wait," Iroh said, "how do we know this is the right room? We don't want to go barging in, he might have left."
"Quick lesson in neutral jing, young man," Bumi said, reluctantly lowering his leg. "Close your eyes and listen."
"Now?" Iroh asked, and Bumi nodded. Iroh took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. "I hear hookers at work," Iroh said as he opened his eyes again.
"Close enough. Now look down the hall," They both looked up and down the hallway. "What do you see?"
"All the quiet rooms have their door open…?" Iroh said, unsure.
"Great observation. What about this one?" Bumi said as he pointed to the closed door in front of them.
"It's…" Iroh leaned towards the door, "it's quiet too."
"Exactly." Bumi said as he kicked down the door. "Pakku! Get your tiny dick out of that poor woman!"
The young woman quickly covered herself and ran out of the room, scared. Pakku reached for his pants and bellowed, "I don't believe you!" As he pulled his pants on, he noticed Iroh, "And why is he here?"
"He's our new apprentice," Bumi said.
"What?" Iroh and Pakku asked at the same time.
"You old fool," Pakku had a vein bulging in his head as he walked up to Bumi, "This is all the proof I need that you've finally cracked."
"That maybe so, but that doesn't change the fact that we're helping him," Bumi said as he threw a shirt at Pakku, "How you stay warm with a concave ass is beyond me."
"High blood pressure, from dealing with you!" Pakku said, pulling on his shirt. "I refuse to help anyone from the Fire Nation."
"Why don't we get some rum in you," Bumi said, "Looks like you need something other than cheap beer."
"Smells like you've had enough," Pakku said, wrinkling his nose, "You stink like rum and burnt sanity."
Bumi sniffed at his shirt, "Nope, no sanity here…"
Late the next morning Iroh slipped out of his hotel room. He saw Mayor Oda yelling at the girl behind the counter.
"…don't know? What do you mean, don't know? He is your Prince now, you better damn well know where he is!" Oda pounded his fist on the desk, and the poor girl flinched-neither of the men noticed as she did so her hand instinctively went to her small stomach.
"Don't hurt yourself, Oda" Iroh said walking up.
"Oh, there you are," Oda said, straightening up. "I was not aware of how many Earth Nationers were lordless peasants!"
"And I was not aware how many of my subjects were so very respectful to our gracious hosts." Iroh gave a huge smile, and the smaller man shrunk where he stood.
"I, I was hoping you would join me for an early lunch," Oda said nervously.
"I'm sorry," Iroh said, trying to feign regret, "I have a previous engagement."
"Oh," Oda's face fell, "how about dinner tonight? General Denji and I need to discuss certain policies with you."
"Maybe tonight," Iroh sighed. Oda bowed and left as Iroh leaned on the counter. "Sorry about him."
She averted her eyes, her hand still on her stomach, and asked as politely as she could, "Do you need anything, sir?"
Iroh looked her up and down. Light brown hair pulled back in a bun, good features, but short for an Earth Nation native. "Your name, maybe?"
"Zhi…" She said quietly. He smiled.
"Well, Zhi, if anyone else comes calling for the prince, you can tell them I've gone out to train and I will be gone all day." He tried his best to smile in his hung-over state.
Her face brightened, and she smiled as she nodded. He nodded back and left. Soon he was at a familiar, cheaper inn. Bumi and Pakku were waiting for him outside.
"We have a campsite picked out," Bumi said, then stuck out a basket, "I hope you like jenamite, I packed lots for our picnic."
"Remind me why I'm doing this?" Iroh said
"You get to punch him in the face," Bumi stuck his thumb at Pakku.
"If he could land the punch," Pakku scoffed before starting down the road. "Let's go before I sober up."
Once they were out well of the city they cut a path through the woods, and walked further until they reached a small clearing. Bumi set down his basket and turned to Iroh.
"Alright, the first thing you need to know is how important your jing is." Bumi said, thumbing his nose.
"You mentioned jing last night. What is it?" Iroh asked.
"Jing is energy. There are 85 different types of jing, but we'll focus on the three most important ones for now." Bumi said as he used his earth bending to make a large fighting ring.
"I'm not even 30, I've got plenty of energy." Iroh said.
"Not that kind of energy, idiot," Pakku said, "this is linked to the way you fight."
"He does use positive jing quite effectively." Bumi said, then turned to Iroh, "Do you meditate?"
"I've tried," Iroh said, "I can't seem to focus."
"That's because you're constipated." Bumi stated. Pakku laughed while Iroh turned red. Bumi continued, "Emotionally, I can tell. Don't worry, emotional constipation is actually quite a common problem."
"Hold on," Pakku said as he started to rummage through Bumi's basket, "I brought along something that might actually help with that."
"I thought you brought that moonshine for yourself," Bumi said as Pakku pulled out a large bottle of clear liquid.
"No more drinking," Iroh said, "I'm still hungover from last night."
"Trust me," Pakku said, "This is no ordinary moonshine. It's guaranteed to get you to the spirit world in style."
"Will I get back here in one piece?" Iroh asked.
"It's his 'Spirit Juice'," Bumi said as Pakku took drank straight from the bottle. "He started drinking after his woman ditched him and hasn't stopped. He is never fully sober, and that makes him a master."
"I thought that made him a drunk," Iroh said, eyeing Pakku.
"Scoff," Pakku said, passing the bottle to Bumi,"I still handed your ass to you last night."
"Fair enough," Iroh sighed as Bumi took a swig. He then passed the bottle to Iroh, who asked, "Straight?"
"That's the way a man does it," Pakku said as he nodded. A mouthful was more than enough for the prince.
"How do you drink that?" Iroh gasped through clinched teeth, "It's so strong."
"Practice doesn't hurt," Pakku said, taking the bottle back. "Let it do its job."
"Feel relaxed yet?" Bumi asked, "If your movement and jie are hindered, your fighting becomes rigid and predictable."
"Drink more," Pakku handed the bottle back to Iroh.
"Only you people," Iroh took the bottle and drank, "Is liver damage common in your culture?"
Pakku sighed, "You must learn to flow from jing to jing, like the moonshine flows from the bottle. Drink until you're relaxed, then we'll start."
Later than evening, Iroh stumbled through the door of his hotel with a split lip and the half-empty bottle of moonshine. He lurched up to the empty front desk and leaned on it heavily.
"Anybody here?" He yelled, "Hey!"
Zhi shot up from under the desk, clutching her stomach, and gave a slight bow, "I'm sorry."
"Oh it's you," He smiled, then asked "You alright? You look a little flush."
She nodded and bowed again before saying, "Mayor Oda came back looking for you, maybe an hour ago."
"Yeah?" Iroh mused, taking a swig from the bottle, "What did that war-mongering plunger want?"
"He said he wanted you to meet him for dinner at the Velvet Sash, down the street."
"I forgot about dinner." Iroh sighed, still leaning on the desk. "Do you have any good news for me?"
"You have mail." She disappeared under the desk again and brought up a single letter. He held it close to his face.
"I have had way too much to drink." He groaned, then handed the letter back to her. "Does that say Avatar Kyoshi?"
"No sir," She laughed, "It says Jeong Jeong."
"So I didn't get a letter from a beautiful woman?" He sighed. "At least I got another one to laugh."