A\N: Hi everybody. First of all, thanks for all the wonderful feedback. Your reviews,messages,favorites and follows really made my day. This chapter deals with Blaine's side of things. Fair warning, it contains MAJOR Blangst vibes.
"I wanted to be his life preserver, the thing that would keep him afloat. Instead, he became my anchor. And I'm tired of drowning"
Amanda Grace, But I love Him
Blaine sighed in frustration as the argument going on around him heated up. The New Directions had been going at it for a while now. Actually, Kitty had been going at it for a while now, and everyone was at the end of their rope.
It all started with Mr. Shue informing them of his impending nuptials. The old members erupted in cheers, not unlike those they made upon discovering his plans to propose the previous year, while the new ones offered their congratulations politely. He asked them to perform at the wedding and they agreed readily. It's not like the request was a surprise, they all knew from the second he proposed that they would be performing at the wedding.
Kitty seemed to disagree though. Thankfully, she managed to keep her opinion to herself until the teacher left the choir room, and then threw a hissy fit. She told them that she didn't want to be "the entertainment" and that their choir director shouldn't expect them to be at "his beck and call".
All of them were taken back by her comments. That was the same girl who was Sue Sylvester's personal lapdog but she refused to sing as a favor to two of the most kind-hearted teachers in Mckinley? Tina jumped to her feet, telling Kitty that she wouldn't even be invited to the wedding if she wasn't a member of the New Directions, who were basically Mr. Shue's family. Kitty didn't take the comment too kindly and before anyone knew it, World War III had broken out.
Blaine pressed his palms to his eyes in annoyance. He really didn't need the catfight this whole thing was turning out to be. He had too many things on his plate right now; the most prominent one being the situation with Kurt.
Blaine leant his head back, toning out everyone around him and allowed his mind to wander. Memories rushed to the forefront of his mind and he closed his eyes in resignation, waiting for the usual deep ache to sweep over him. His mind had been torturing him ever since the fateful night that cost him everything. The expression on Kurt's face when Blaine confessed to his cheating was forever burned in his memory. Even patching things up with Kurt didn't ease the feeling of unworthiness that had been his constant companion for the last couple of months.
Blaine still couldn't believe that Kurt was making an effort to allow him back into his life. Kurt had initially cut him off completely, not even giving him a chance to explain. Blaine knew that he deserved that and more for hurting the one person who loved him without any reservations, the gracious soul that loved him for his flaws before his merits. But it still hurt like hell. Blaine was drowning in his grief and he only had himself to blame.
The phone call at Sectionals had been his saving grace. He thanked his lucky stars that Kurt was finally allowing him closer. Just knowing that Kurt was only a phone call away, that he would pick up if Blaine called made him breathe a little easier. He didn't care that Kurt didn't promise forgiveness, didn't hint at them getting back together, he was giving Blaine a second chance, an opportunity to regain his trust and that's all that mattered to Blaine. He would take whatever Kurt offered him, will be whoever Kurt needed him to be.
They were doing so well. Blaine had feared that his visit at Christmas would upset Kurt but it turned out to be just what they needed. They didn't have the mature heart to heart that they agreed on in Thanksgiving, Kurt was still reeling from the news about his father after all, but they did talk. Neither wanted their friendship to end and they agreed on taking things slow. They called each other frequently, each leaning on the other in his time of need. Kurt was the one Blaine called when he had gotten terrified over going to another Sadie Hawkins dance, and Blaine was the one Kurt turned to after his mini-fight with Rachel over the NYADA Glee club. They were falling back to their old habits and Blaine felt that every phone call brought him closer to earning Kurt's trust back.
But it all came tumbling down so fast. The New Directions had a "Diva" assignment in which they were supposed to act out their inner divas. Blaine toyed with a few ideas but he wanted a second opinion, and who was a better person to ask than his diva ex boyfriend-turned-best friend?
Blaine, however, was in for an unpleasant surprise when it was Rachel who answered the phone. He had been wary of Rachel since she came with Kurt to watch Grease. He would never forget the scathing look she threw him as she steered Kurt outside. Rachel had been his friend, she had been one of the few people he got close to the previous year and now, she was treating him like the devil incarnate. Coming from Rachel-I-kissed-my-boyfriend's-best friend-to-get-back-at him-Berry, Blaine thought it was a little hypocritical.
But he couldn't fault her. She was Kurt's best friend first and foremost, and Blaine was so immensely grateful that Kurt had her during those hellish few months. He didn't care how she treated him as long as she was there for Kurt. So she could shun him, patronize him or even trash talk him, he would still be grateful to her.
In true Rachel fashion, she didn't even give him a chance to talk. She briskly informed him that she only picked up because the phone had been ringing for a long time, and that Kurt was in the shower. Blaine opted not to prolong the call by having a meaningless small conversation with Rachel. He asked her to tell Kurt to give him a call and was about to hang up when her next words sent him reeling back. "Blaine, hold on. I need a favor, would you please talk to Kurt about quitting the Glee club? I know he's dating Adam now and all that, but all the club is doing is hindering him and he has enough things on his plate"
Rachel's words knocked the breath out of Blaine. An overwhelming feeling of devastation hit him like a tidal wave. He tried to speak but the words seemed stuck in his throat. He had heard of Adam before, Kurt had told him all about Adam's Apples but he never said anything about dating the guy. But why would he? Kurt had every right to keep whatever he wanted from him and Blaine certainly had no reason to expect Kurt to give him updates concerning his love life.
Rachel noticed by this point that Blaine had gone completely silent and connected the dots. She stammered, trying to come up with a way to soften the blow but it was no use. Blaine put her out of her misery, biding her farewell and hanging up before she could stop him. He stared at his phone unseeingly for a few seconds before turning it off. He was in no condition to talk to anyone and frankly, he had no desire to. His eyes swept over his room, coming to rest on Margret Thatcher's dog that was sitting on his nightstand. And something inside him just shattered.
He sat on the edge of his bed, trying to get his bearings. He felt like he was falling down a bottomless pit and he had no idea how to make it stop. Was this what Kurt felt that night in Battery Park?
"No", his mind supplied. "This is nothing compared to what you put Kurt through. He didn't betray you, didn't cheat on you. You are the one who messed it all up. You are the reason he's gone"
Blaine flung himself back on the bed, shaking uncontrollably. It was over, it was truly over now and there was nothing he could do. Kurt had moved on and that was it. Blaine had fooled himself, thinking that there might be a chance that Kurt still wanted him as a boyfriend. He had convinced himself that if he just managed to earn Kurt's trust back, he would be able to win him over again. He had been so hopeful; encouraged by the fact that Kurt had returned his "I love you" during their phone call in Thanksgiving.
But the truth was that Kurt never promised a thing. He didn't tell him he would forgive him or that he would take him back, he just said that he was trying and that he missed him, missed his best friend. That was what they were now, that was what Kurt wanted them to be now, and Blaine had to accept that. He couldn't ask for more from Kurt. If he wanted to be in Kurt's life, it would be on Kurt's terms and right now, Kurt wanted his best friend.
Blaine's eyes brimmed with tears when the heartbreaking realization hit him. That was his only place in Kurt's life now and he knew that he wouldn't give it up for the world. He had promised Kurt to always be there for him even if they weren't together, and he was going to keep his promise this time, even if he died a little inside every time Kurt mentioned his new boyfriend, even if his heart broke at the fact that his soul mate only saw him as a friend, he would still do it.
However, all his reasoning went flying out of the window the second he turned his phone back on. It started ringing almost immediately and he braced himself when he saw Kurt's name on the screen. He had no doubt that Rachel had told Kurt about his call and no amount of preparing was going to help Blaine with the conversation he was about to have with the man he loved. He didn't even know what Kurt's reaction would be and he was almost afraid to find out.
But whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn't a frantic Kurt, tone laced with worry and fear, trying to explain why he kept his relationship status from Blaine. Blaine was astounded that Kurt actually felt the need to give him an excuse to why he never told him about dating Adam, which was technically none of his business. Blaine's love for Kurt grew even more and he swallowed thickly before interrupting the string of excuses that were falling from Kurt's lips. "There's nothing to explain, Kurt. You don't owe me anything"
"But Blaine….." Kurt tried to interject but Blaine didn't give the chance. Kurt shouldn't feel guilty for not telling him, Blaine wouldn't stand for it.
"But nothing" he insisted. "It's your life and you have every right to live it in any way you want" he took a deep breath, praying to a God he didn't believe in that his voice wouldn't break. "I'm happy for you"
It sounded so forced, so hollow, even to his own ears and he had no doubt that Kurt didn't buy it. This was proved when Kurt tried repeatedly to go back to the same subject until Blaine practically begged him to let it go, and Kurt finally relented.
After that night, Blaine immersed himself in school work and the thousand after school clubs he was a member of. He had never been so grateful to Couch Sylvester's brutal routines as he was at that moment. He also took more responsibility in the New Directions, offering help to the new members in anything they wanted. He was working himself into a frenzy and he knew that he would draw attention sooner or later. He was aware of the worried glances Sam and Tina kept shooting him. He just hoped that nobody would call him out on it.
Luck wasn't on his side though. He had wandered into the auditorium one day, wanting to just lose himself in the music for a little while before going home, and he nearly collided with Sam who was just leaving. He smiled briefly at Sam, thinking that the other boy would just go on his way but was sorely disappointed when Sam turned around and followed him back into the auditorium. He sat at the piano, letting his fingers caress the keys before starting to play. Sam sat passively in one of the seats, just watching him. Blaine tried to ignore his presence, knowing for sure what Sam wanted to talk about and wanting desperately to avoid it. But as the minutes paused, he realized that Sam wasn't going anywhere. His fingers stilled and he turned around to face him.
Sam regarded him coolly for a few seconds then heaved a deep sigh when he realized that Blaine wasn't going to start the conversation. "You want to tell me what's going on with you?"
Blaine considered playing dumb for a moment then disregarded it quickly. He didn't want to lie to Sam, they had gotten close over the course of the last few months and Blaine felt like he could trust the blond with anything. He really had no desire to talk about his issues with Kurt but he didn't want to push his best friend away.
Sam had said nothing during the time it took Blaine to answer. He waited patiently for the curly haired boy to gather his thoughts, wanting Blaine to know that he was there for him. He was worried sick that his newly acquired friend was slipping back to the dark hole he had been living in ever since the break up.
Blaine finally met his eyes, muttering "Kurt is seeing someone" in the smallest voice Sam had ever heard from the tenor.
Sam frowned at the piece of information. He had a vague idea that Kurt and Blaine had been mending their relationship lately but he didn't know the specifics. He honestly thought that they were on their way to getting back together judging by the number of times they called each other and the fact that Blaine had been going to the Hummel-Hudson household a lot recently to check up on Burt. Apparently, he was mistaken.
He watched with a heavy heart as Blaine spaced out with an unreadable expression on his face. Blaine had always worn his heart on his sleeve and he was basically radiating pain now.
"Blaine" Sam began softly. "What happened? I thought you guys were doing okay"
"We were" Blaine mumbled. "It's just…." he trailed off, getting choked up. Suddenly, he was overcome with a feeling of rage. Hot burning fury coursed through his veins and he stood up abruptly, knocking over the piano stool. He didn't want to talk anymore. Talking hadn't helped him before, had it? It didn't help when he was drowning in his loneliness and tried to reach out to Kurt, it didn't help when he tried to apologize for what he had done, and it certainly wouldn't help now that Kurt had found someone else. Why did everyone act like talking would solve his problems? Didn't Kurt take him to couple's therapy last year so they could talk? And look where it had gotten them.
Just as suddenly as it came, all Blaine's anger evaporated in a second. He deflated, sliding to sit on the floor and burying his head in his hands. He heard Sam get up and approach him slowly, laying a comforting hand on his back. He struggled to get his breathing under control, whispering a quiet "I don't want to talk about it"
Sam could feel Blaine's body trembling beneath his hand and he nodded. The last he wanted was to upset Blaine even further, but he needed to get his point across. He moved so he was facing Blaine, gently addressing the distraught boy.
"I know that you're hurting right now, Blaine, and I can't imagine what you feel. It's okay that you don't want to talk about it but…" he pulled at Blaine's arms till he met his eyes.
"You can't keep doing this. You're killing yourself, Blaine. I don't know what the future holds for you and Kurt but you can't make your entire life revolve around that. You have your NYADA audition coming up so you have to get your act together soon."
He stood up, offering Blaine a small smile before pulling him up. "So here's what we're going to do. You're going to go home and have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow we're going to start anew. You'll quit some of those insane clubs that you have joined and you're going to take it easy with the rest of them. We're going to start working on your NYADA piece and you're going to kill it. Any complaints?"
He knew that he was basically telling Blaine what to do but judging from the weak smile tugging at Blaine's lips, the other boy didn't mind. Sam sighed inwardly in relief as he received a tiny nod from Blaine. He bumped his shoulder against the other boy's playfully before pulling him out of the auditorium. "Come on then. I'll give you a ride home"
Blaine lay in bed that night, thinking about what Sam said. He knew that he was right but his heart ached every time the thought of Kurt being with someone else. However, he had to push through. He really couldn't afford getting distracted with the date for the NYADA call backs looming near. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about Kurt but he would have to learn how to function again despite his heartache.
His phone ringing brought him out of his musing and he glanced at the clock, wondering who would be calling him that late. His heart plummeted in his chest when he discovered it was Kurt. Fear swept over him in an instant. He was hoping that Kurt just needed advice about something but he knew this couldn't be the case. Their conversations now involved more uncomfortable silence than it actually involved talking. So Kurt calling him this late meant only one thing, there was something wrong with him.
Kurt's voice just confirmed Blaine's theory. There was something wrong, that was clear, but Blaine couldn't for the life of him pinpoint what was it that was upsetting Kurt. Not that Kurt gave a chance anyway, he totally blindsided Blaine with a simple statement. "I'm not over you"
Blaine choked on his breath as Kurt launched into a lengthily explanation. Blaine felt lighter when Kurt told him that he was no longer with Adam but he felt like he was unable to understand Kurt. He could tell that Kurt was having just as much trouble as him by the way he kept pausing and over explaining things. His struggle was almost palpable and Blaine sunk lower in bed as he willed himself not to hope. It was obvious that Kurt still hadn't figured out what he felt towards him and needed more time, time that Blaine was more than willing to give. But he didn't want to fool himself into believing that Kurt would take him back, because what if Kurt decided that he would never be able to trust him again? What if he figured out that he couldn't love the person Blaine had changed into? What if he discovered that the boy he had fallen in love with two years ago was long gone? No, Blaine couldn't bear the mere thought of it. He can't let himself get closer, he had to keep his distance until Kurt made up his mind, and maybe, just maybe Kurt would find it in himself to forgive him.
Blaine was startled out of his torturous thoughts by Finn's voice. It seemed that Finn had had enough of the pointless argument going on and put his foot down. He said that since it was a favor, Kitty didn't have to perform at the wedding. However, he made sure to inform Kitty that she wouldn't be exactly welcome in the New Directions if she chose not to perform. The dirty looks she received from the other members seemed to sway the cheerleader and she huffed out an agreement. They settled down trying to come up with some ideas for the wedding. Everything was going fine and Blaine was actually starting to lose himself in all the wedding talk until Finn suggested duets for the old members to perform. He tensed in alarm, knowing that Finn's obliviousness had a tendency to kick in at the worst possible moment. Just as he had anticipated, Finn paired him and Kurt and he bit his lip so hard, knowing that he wouldn't be able to say no. The two of them usually dueted together that it became the norm. He couldn't blame Finn for putting him in this situation, he suspected that Finn had no idea about what was going on between him and Kurt, but the taller boy had accidentally put him in a tight spot. He was now expected to sing a love song to his ex boyfriend whom he was still head over heels in love with.
How on earth was he supposed to survive that?