PPOV
As Emily sat down on my bed I tried to figure out how to word this so it doesn't come across as her fault or that I'm doing this for her. I start pacing back and forth and I can see it getting to her so I stop in the middle of my room and turn to her
"A lot of things I've done in my life, I've done because of you. Some good things, some horrible but ultimately it comes down to you. I came out because I wanted to be with you, I was mean and did something I still regret to this day because I didn't know how to process my feelings for you, I dressed up in suits for parties because you like me in them, I even became friends with Spencer, something I thought would never happen, because she's your friend and I know how much she means to you. I've done stupid stuff like try and kiss you when you were upset over Maya, the whole Nate/ Lyndon horror, I put up with your friends thinking I was A, I gave the letter to the police, I even forgave Alison, a bit for myself but ultimately for you." I take a breath and look back up at her, at some point during my speech I started pacing again and she's looking at me with a bit of confusion, fear and sadness "I'm saying all this because what I have to tell you next has nothing to do with you, this is something that I'm doing for myself and as much as I know that this is something you want for me, I'm doing this because I want this for me" I twist the letter in my hand, debating whether to explain first or just hand it to her
"Paige, your confusing and kind of scaring me, is everything ok?" she asks and moves back on the bed, patting the spot next to her. I take a deep breath and move over next to her
"I'm not going to Stanford next year" I blurt out
"WHAT?! Paige that's your dream, why aren't you going? You got a full ride, your truly lucky, swimming for Stanford is what you always wanted to do" she half yells half scolds
"No, it's not. It was my father's dream for me then it was our dream but never mine on my own. I've been thinking about this for a while, even before we broke up, but I didn't do anything about it until we did"
"Why didn't you tell me?" she says softly in a tone that breaks my heart because she looks hurt
"You were dealing with a lot, I didn't want to add to that"
"You could've told me Paige"
"Anyway" I didn't really want to get into it, at the time she had just gotten back from Ravenswood and she had been distant, knowing now that its because she was almost sawn in half and that they found out Alison was alive. I didn't want her to hurt more by telling her this so I decide to move on "after we broke up I realised that a lot of my life revolved around you. I didn't have any friends except the team, Caleb was in Ravenswood and was acting real weird and I usually got along with Toby because he was your friend, so I had to figure out who I, Paige McCullers is. I spent the first 3 days of our break up in bed either crying or worrying. I'm not sure if you knew this but the cops interviewed me the night you all left, one of your neighbours saw us talking and they wanted to know if I knew where you went. So just hours after we had broken up I was sitting in an interrogation room being asked hundreds of questions"
"I'm so sorry Paige, I didn't know that" she looks like she's about to start crying so I continue on hoping the next part will stop that
"It's ok, don't cry it gets better. So the next couple of days I was really worried that something had happened, didn't help that none of you answered your phones but soon word got around that you were all back, safe and unharmed, except for Ezra but so was Alison. I was sure that from then on that you would be with her, wanting her. I know what a first love is like, how hard it is to get over them, if you can at all, so I decided it was time to focus on me. See what things I like except swimming and well, you. So I tried a bunch of new things, see what I'm good at, what I like, what I don't. Turns out I'm no MasterChef but I'm an alright Cake Boss, I'm a bit of a nerd, am loving comic books at the moment, I don't like romance or western books but I love crime, drama and sci fi. I'm not a big tennis fan and I'm really getting into soccer. Turns out I'm a really good drawer but the thing that has changed my mind on everything is I'm a really good graphic artist, not just comic book style but I made up these cartoon characters and have them doing adventures or just playing around making something boring look extremely cool, here I'll show you" I got up and grabbed a folder off my desk, recently I've started printing out all my stuff and putting them here, like a portfolio. I hand it to her and sit back and wait while she looks at it
"Wow, these are really good. So what did you do next?" she says, still looking at the folder and I can't help but a bit of pride runs through my body, loving that she likes them
"I decided it was time to talk to my dad" her head snaps up and I laugh at the shocked look on her face "I sat him down, told him what I'd been thinking, and showed him that folder and we had an actual alright chat. I told him that I just want to be happy and being at Stanford won't make me happy and that even though I love swimming I don't want to do it for the next 4 years, he was surprisingly ok with it"
"Why won't you be happy at Stanford?" I think she knows the answer but just needs me to confirm it
"Mainly for 3 reasons, 1 it was our dream, I don't think I could go there without you it would just feel wrong and probably break my heart even more, 2 its too far away from home, my grandma is sick and Scranton is a lot closer to here then it is to Cali and 3 I'd be all alone, no one I know is going there and I suck at making friends so it'd be 4 years of lonesomeness, heart break and home sickness so I decided to apply for a few other colleges closer to home"
"Did you get into anywhere?"
"I did" I hand her the piece of paper, holding my breath while waiting for her reaction. Now that I've found out where she's applied, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, maybe a bit of our dream from Stanford can happen again. I release my breath when I see a massive smile on her face and she jumps into my arms.