Identity Theft is a Serious Problem

Yo. Second Chapter. Sweet. Man, Gintama is so damn awesome. That's all I want to say here.

Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Sorachi-sensei. Naruto is the property of...that dude with the twin.

Chapter 2: Sometimes Children Can Be Smarter Than Adults

After finishing his ramen (and finding a pair of sandals) Naruto led his addle-brained sensei towards the training grounds. But as they got closer, Naruto felt an ominous, foreboding atmosphere that grew stronger with each step he took. He gulped and tried to stop the shivers that ran down his spine. The blond boy found himself unconsciously cowering behind his sensei, who was either immune or oblivious to the bloodlust emanating from the area.

"Careful, Kaka-sensei," Naruto cautioned in fear, "Sakura has a wicked right hook, and Sasuke-teme is a pyromaniac."

"Oi, just what the hell do I teach you guys?" Kaka-sensei glanced back at him rather nervously. Naruto shushed him and they carefully made their way towards the clearing.

"Hey, they're not here!" Naruto exclaimed in relief once he glanced around the deserted glade. "Man, did we catch a lucky break-?"

WHAM!

A fist caught him in the face and sent him flying halfway across the field. Kaka-sensei watched flabbergasted as his student lay twitching on the ground. He slowly turned, and saw an enraged pink-haired girl with a raised smoking fist, and an equally enraged black-haired boy standing next to her. His vision blurred a bit, and he imagined the girl with a brown ponytail. He shook his head and the vision disappeared. Huh.

"Naruto, you idiot," the violent girl ground out, storming over to the fallen boy, "I sent you to find Sensei THREE HOURS AGO! What were you doing? Did he rub off on you?" She began stomping on his head, which was quickly making an indent in the ground.

"Hey! We're not done with you!" Kaka-sensei halted in his attempt to flee when the black-haired boy addressed him. Both he and the girl drew in a big breath, and shouted,

"'YOU'RE LATE, SENSEI!'"

Oh dear, there goes his eardrums.

"What's your excuse this time?" The black-haired boy asked condescendingly. "'Helped an old lady cross the street'? 'Busy getting a perm? 'Had temporary amnesia'?"

"Oi, these curls are natural." When the feeling of bloodlust flared up again, the silver-haired man held his hands up in surrender. "Hey, that little lady just Falcon Punched the brat to Neverland. There isn't anything I can say other than, 'Parley?'…What the hell's a 'Falcon Punch'?"

"Sensei fell down (ouch) the stairs and (ow) lost his memories." Naruto explained as Sakura patched up the injuries she inflicted on him. "I was trying (tch, ow!) to help him remember. (YE-OUCH!)"

"Is this true, Kaka-sensei?" Sakura asked, somehow able to convey both concern and menace through her words. The man nodded fervently.

"But I am getting bits and pieces. There's the obnoxious bottomless pit," He pointed at Naruto, "The homicidal she-gorilla-er, sweet, gentle young lady," He corrected himself when the 'gorilla' cracked her knuckles threateningly, "and the straight man." he nodded at Sasuke, "Although…I can't help but think that something's missing, some sort of eyewear...Contact lens, maybe?"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "You mean these?" He activated his Sharingan. The man's eyes widened in surprised.

"Whoa. How did you…? Never mind."

"Well, how are you feeling after seeing your team together, Sensei?" Naruto and the others gathered around Kaka-sensei. "Are your memories back?"

The amnesiac furrowed his brow in deep concentration. "I remember…something. I remember…Ah!" His eyes lit up with realization and the kids grinned with excitement. Their sensei was back! "I remember; you're Beruto, Bakara and Biscuit of Team Shitty!"

No one said a word as their sensei stood before them, with his hands on his hips and a proud expression on his face. However, the silence didn't last as the kids unleashed their frustration on their teacher.

"IT'S NOT 'BERUTO', IT'S NARUTO, BAKA-SENSEI!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING BAKA, BAKA-SENSEI?"

"WHAT THE HELL'S 'BISCUIT'? IT'S NOT EVEN IN CONTEXT WITH THE REST!"

"How could a team be called 'Team Shitty'?"

"You had us all excited for nothing!"

"You didn't remember anything!"

"Oi oi, I swear to God that's really what I remember." Kaka-sensei tried to reason with his irritated students. "Blame it on the amnesia. That bump on the head probably scrambled some things in there. Heck, I don't even know what I'm saying half the time."

"Sensei, we should really get you to the hospital," Sakura suggested, "It could be dangerous for you if you're not careful."

"How?" The only dangerous thing I see is you.

"Well, what if an enemy ambushes you? Or if we accidentally hurt you during training? If you don't remember your skills, you won't be able to defend yourself."

"Some jōnin he'd be then," Sasuke scoffed, "His skills should be so ingrained that he'd react out of reflex. Muscle memory alone should be enough to fend off any attacks."

"But we don't know if he does," Naruto pointed out, "Right now, he could be a brain-damaged moron who couldn't even fend off a fly."

"Oi, just because Sensei's a little drain-bamaged doesn't mean you can insult him," Kaka-sensei retorted.

"Oh yeah?" Sasuke challenged him. "Wanna test to see if you do remember?" He drew out a few pairs of kunai and was poised to strike.

"Sasuke-kun, maybe you shouldn't-" Sakura began, but was cut off by her sensei.

"Bring it, Biscuit." And fell into a fighting stance.

With an irritated growl, Sasuke flung his kunai towards the man as Naruto and Sakura quickly jumped out of the way. There was no way a jōnin of Kakashi's calibre would get hit by a genin's attack, amnesiac or not. He'll instinctively pull one of his tricks out of his sleeve and get out of harm's way. However, Sasuke couldn't help but wince when the sound of metal-on-flesh reached his ears. He looked and saw that his sensei had gotten every single one of his kunai stuck in some body part.

"Tch, I knew it. Substitution jutsu. Don't you have any other skills besides that one?" It was going to pop into a log any second and Kakashi would appear somewhere else-

"E-Eh…W-Warn me n-next t-t-time when you t-t-throw these things…" The 'log' said, and toppled over.

The Uchiha stood with his mouth open in shock, until Sakura's scream and Naruto's yelling knocked him out of it.

"GAH! Sasuke, you bastard! You killed Kaka-sensei!"

"I-I didn't think he'd just stand there like an idiot!" Came Sasuke's flustered reply. "He could've at least tried to dodge!"

Unfortunately, the blond ninja was panicking too much to care for an explanation.

"You killed our sensei, you team-killing retard! Sasuke's a murderer! A murderer! I'm in league with a murderer! What are we gonna do? Grandma-Tsunade's gonna kill me! I won't survive in jail!"

"Calm down, moron! There's no way he'd die from that! We just need to get him to the hospital-"

"You also said he'd be able to dodge those kunai, and look how well that turned out! No, we just need to hide the evidence of your horrendous deed…"

"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun," Sakura whispered, "I'll protect you from getting gang-raped in jail."

"He's not dead!" The black haired boy sputtered. "He can't be dead! I don't want to go to jail for this! Hell no!-"

"Geez, all that racket you're making is loud enough to wake the dead."

All three genin whipped their heads around to see their sensei sitting up with a cascade of kunai falling from him. Although he was bleeding slightly from some of the wounds, he looked no worse for the wear.

"Sensei!" Naruto exclaimed jubilantly, either for the return of his teacher or for not going to jail. "You're alive! It was all Sasuke-teme's fault. He was always pissed at you for kicking his ass the first day and he used this underhanded scheme to get you back! You should totally kick him off the team!"

The silver-haired man stared blankly at the boy and blinked a couple of times, then said, "Eh? Who are you? Do I know you? Should I be beating you up?"

"…"

"…"

"…Naruto-kun, I think we'd better take sensei to Tsunade-sama." Sakura suggested in light of her teammate's exasperated expressions.

"G-Good idea."

After a recap of what transpired up until now, Kaka-sensei seemed to regain a bit of his memories, but the majority was still lost to him.

"Are you okay with those wounds, Sensei?" Sakura asked him on their way to the Hokage Tower. She had bandaged most of the cuts up, but she was still worried for her teacher's health.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm fine," He waved her off, "In fact, I think that attack even jogged my memory a little. I remember someone, a stick-up-her-ass ninja prostitute with horrible aim. You guys know anything about that?" He turned to address his students, only to find that they had backed up a few yards away from him.

"Sensei, please keep your personal life separate from your job." Sakura said, deadpan.

"We know you've lost your memory, but there are some things that kids just don't want to know." Added Naruto.

"Even you should have enough sense left to be discrete." Said Sasuke.

"What? What the hell are you talking about? You think I, that I- do that, with…you sick little monkeys. Kids shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that."

"Whatever, Sensei," Naruto said, absent-mindedly picking his nose. "You're the one who always has his nose stuck in a porno book. You're a bad influence on us."

"Well, then it looks like I'll need to educate you brats to make up for it" The man said with a devious grin.

And thus, the trip to the Tower was accompanied by a lesson from Kaka-sensei on the wonders of the human reproductive system. Needless to say, Team Seven remained scarred for the duration of their childhood.

"Oh god, THAT'S what it's for?"

"No more, no more, no more…"

"You can't remember your own name, but you can remember this?"

The group drew quite a few stares from the shinobi in the building as they walked through the halls; a teacher with a satisfied smirk on his face followed by students that staggered behind him with hands covering their ears and horrified eyes. Thankfully, they recovered somewhat by the time they reached the Hokage's office.

Naruto, as per his usual, barged in unannounced and yelled "Oi! Grandma-Tsunade! We've got a prob-"

WHACK!

"Mind your manners, boy!"

Kaka-sensei entered the room, and saw Naruto clutching his head in pain with a hot blonde in a green robe seethed over him.

"Oi," he whispered to Sasuke, "who's the hot chick with the pigtails? Is she the secretary? Does she have a boyfriend?"

For some reason, the Uchiha stared at him with disgust and disbelief.

"What? You got dibs on her or something? You're a bit too young for her; unless that's the sort of thing she's into…"

"You idiot, that's the Hokage!" Sasuke exclaimed, cheeks flushing red. "And if anything, you're too young for her! She's like, 50-something!"

Kaka-sensei took a step back in surprise. Now that he looked closely, he saw that it was her face carved on the Mount Rushmore. So this is the leader of the Snail Cult. "Are you serious? That's some wrinkle cream that she uses."

"Oi, brat, what the hell are you still doing here?" The lady was now addressing him. "I just sent you on a mission that takes weeks to complete. What are you doing, dawdling around? If you've got time to get a perm, then you've got time to get your ass in gear!"

"Tsunade-sama, we came here because Kaka-sensei was injured," Sakura explained. "He damaged his head somehow and seemed to have lost his memories. We were hoping you could fix him up."

"Wha-memory loss? You?" Tsunade shook her head in disbelief. "Unbelievable. How the hell did a Jōnin of your calibre get an injury like that?"

"He fell down the stairs," Said Naruto. "But you will be able to heal him though, right, Grandma-Tsunade?"

Tsunade sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "The brain is the hardest part of the body to treat. Even with the medical jutsu we've developed, we still don't have a solid grasp on the mind. There's little I can do. We can only hope he recovers eventually on his own. God, the troubles you bring me, brat."

"Well hey, we've already made some progress, haven't we, Kaka-sensei?"

The man nodded in agreement. "Mmm-hmm. I feel it slowly coming back to me, piece-by-piece."

"That's swell and all," said Tsunade, crossing her arms, "but this could prove dangerous for you. You may not remember, but you've made quite a few enemies throughout your career. I'll need to keep you under protection. Can't risk losing you. Konoha might be safe, but I can't guarantee we can keep them all out. If you don't remember your skills, you will die."

"That's what we're here for!" Naruto cut in. "We can protect Sensei and re-teach the basics, and hope that his body remembers!"

"Didn't work out so well last time," muttered Sasuke, feeling just a little bit guilty.

"No, Naruto; it's much too dangerous for him to be around you. His enemies are deadly. If he can't remember his skills, he can't be your teacher anymore."

"If it'll help Sensei, we'll even take on D-rank missions to help him remember." Sakura ignored the agony on her teammates' faces when she suggested it. She felt a hand on her head and looked up at her white-haired sensei.

"Look guys; you've helped me quite a bit, and I'm grateful. Really. But if me being around you guys means that you'll be in danger, then I can't take that risk. The Boss-Kage is right; I can't teach you guys anything while I'm in this state, let alone protect you. Just go find yourselves a new sensei. Besides, what kind of teacher would I be if I make my students protect me?" Kaka-sensei gave his signature eye-smile to the trio.

"You hear the man," Lady Tsunade said, "This is for your own good. I'll assign you all a new instructor by the end of the week. Now go, I need to make the necessary arrangements."

"But, but, Grandma-Tsunade-" Naruto started to protest, but was cut off.

"No buts, Naruto!" She slammed her fist on the desk hard enough to make a dent. "My decision is final."

Sakura turned to Kaka-sensei, feeling tears welling up in her eyes, "Sensei…"

"Hey, it'll be alright." He comforted her. "I'm sure you guys will learn plenty from another sensei. And I'll come visit you guys often. Be sure to treat me to some strawberry parfaits."

"We don't want another sensei!" Naruto objected hotly. "We want you as our sensei! Sure, you were always late, and had your nose in a dirty book, and kept ticking us off with your stupid mask fetish, but you're the coolest sensei we've ever had! The only sensei we'll have! You can't just dump us on another guy! Take some responsibility, Baka-sensei!"

"It's not Baka-sensei; it's Kaka-sensei."

"You guys are making this harder than it needs to be," Tsunade groaned. "Don't make me restrain you; I don't want to be the bad guy. But this is for your own good-"

"But is confining and restraining the great Copy-Nin really what's best for the village?" Sasuke suddenly spoke up. All eyes turned to him. It was surprising enough that he even spoke, let alone interrupt the Hokage.

"What are you getting at?" Tsunade asked.

"Think about it, Hokage-sama," Sasuke began, "Why are you are going to spend a lot of time and resources on trying to revive a single Jōnin, which will produce very little, if any, results, when you can achieve the same thing with a fraction of the time and no detrimental effects on the village's resources? It's been proven that our sensei recovers the most by spending time with us in an environment that is familiar to him. So why not use it? Leave him to us. Give us D and C-rank missions. Let us help him, and I guarantee that you'll have the Copy-Nin back in no time. If there really is a danger, have a Jōnin or even a Chūnin accompany us just in case. This way, he can still do missions and earn money for the village whilst recovering his skills." Sasuke finished his proposal and waited for the Hokage to answer.

Lady Tsunade said nothing at first but then looked at the Uchiha and the others with a piercing stare. "Are you sure you guys can do this? Are you aware of the danger you're putting yourselves in? Because it won't just be your own lives at risk, but also that of your sensei's. Can you bear that responsibility? The responsibility of another person's life?"

All three members of Team Seven nodded in sync with a fiery determination in their eyes.

"Oi, come on guys, no more fooling around. This is adult stuff." Kaka-sensei started to protest, but faltered when he saw the resolve in the genin. He turned to the Hokage for help. "Boss-Lady, you can't possibly be agreeing to this."

"It's their decision as adults, and I can't stop them if they choose to do this willingly. And since you're not of sound mind, you have no authority over them." Lady Tsunade smirked. "Congratulations, brat; Meet your new guardians."

The genin's faces lit up with joy, as their teacher buried his head in his hands.

"Alright, fine." He said, defeated, "If this is what you want, then I'll go with it. But just one question: What exactly do we do in the Snail Cult?"

Notes: Ah...uh...um...I...can't really think of anything to say here. It's daytime, and my spazz-o-meter doesn't work in sunlight. Um, I need a topic...what to do, what to do...kumquats...garden gnomes...Ooh! TOBUSCUS! Is a funny little man. A panicky, attention-defunct little man, but funny. Go watch him play Dead Space 2. Ge'head, you know you want to. Peace.

- Chindu, Prince of Darkness